Friend advice/experiences

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  • 2 Post By Fifi.G
  • 1 Post By cympreni

I posted a couple of months ago about my best friends dad passing away. Well, her mom has now passed.
When her dad passed, I went over, brought food etc. This time, she didn't really want to be around anyone. Her mothers illness has been bad the last month or so, and I have barely seen her because he never had time for me (which I totally understand). However, she managed to have time for other friends. Three days ago I called and she was out with someone. I knew she was having a bad day, and volunteered to bring over supper and a movie and she said no, that she didn't want to see anyone for the last few days. I knew she had been out with the other friend but wasn't going to call her on it!

Now tonight, (her mom passed yesterday), another mutual friend said she's on her way to go shopping with my best friend.

These are just a couple examples, and I would never, ever say anything to her, but I'm starting to take it a bit personally. I know it sounds horribly selfish, and it really really isn't my focus when it comes to her and this awful situation.

I know she feels isolated, she has told me this, as none of our friends have lost both parents. She said its hard to see people and she doesn't know how she feels etc etc.

But this is supposed to be my closest friend I feel like there is nothing I can do for her and she is not wanting me to help either.
Has anyone felt like this when a friend has gone through something horrible?


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"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
I haven't, but a good friend in college went through something very similar to this. Her best friend cut her off completely when that friend's mom died. We would see her going or hanging out with her other friends but she never had time for her supposed best friend. We couldn't figure it out. I think grief affects people in all kinds of different ways. Ironically enough this same friend that got cut off cut me and another of our mutual friends off after college for no apparent reason. Difference between she, when her friend stopped dealing with her and I and our other friend is that we didn't care.

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I have not gone through this with a friend myself, but there have been times that things have happened in my life and I've not been able to see a specific friend. My closest friend. I knew that if I did, I lose it, and I was not ready for this yet. I needed time to feel nothing and if I talked to anyone it was people I didn't have a big emotional tie to.

People do grieve in different ways. Grief can do incredibly strange things and completely change the way a person thinks and feels for varying time periods. With the loss of both her parents, in a shorter time frame That's got to be rough.

I'm sure it's hard, because you want to be there to support her, but I would try to not take it personally. I know that's not easy either. Just give her the space she asks for right now. Hopefully she will come to you soon. If she still has not, after a graceful time period, I would speak with her about it.
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When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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Last edited by cympreni; 06-06-2014 at 09:58 PM.
Sometimes you just want to be around your more "superficial" friends and not get involved in deep conversations. Maybe being around you triggers her to talk more intimately and she's not ready for that. Just let her know you are there or maybe try planning a busy activity. Shopping requires less conversation than dinner and movie rental IMO.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I'm having the same issue with one of my closest friends. I was there for her before her father passed but once it happend it was like I ceased to exist. She cancels plans with me yet makes time for new friends.

I'm choosing not to take it personally. I'm there for her when she's ready. It's hard not sometimes to get mad when she cancels on me last minute and I certainly have been guilty of expressing my annoyance but I figure we're both doing the best we can and that's good enough for me.
Thanks ladies.
It's tough because around her dad, like I said, I was there and she was calling etc. This time I know it was harder for her, and she expressed that she is scared of how she will feel once her mom actually passes. Two days before it happened she had said to me "I'll contact you when I need you." And the next call was bam, she passed.

She knows and I have reiterated that I am here, and that I'm here for the next 5, 10, + years. I told her grieve how she needs, I will always know its not personal. But I still feel like it is . Also my heart is breaking for her. 25 is too young to have been through the last few years that she has had.

I want to take her pain, I just feel kid of helpless. At risk of doing the wrong thing, I'm doing less than I did with her dad.


Anyways I'm rambling now, but thanks for the kind words.


Sent from my "smart" phone, 'scuse crazy typos.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
I'm wondering if this is some kind of defense mechanism. Because a person is suffering such a devastating loss they push away those closest to them out of fear they'll lose them too. They're trying to protect themselves from feeling that type of pain again. Of course it's irrational but but I don't think they're thinking with their minds but with their hearts. For this similar occurrence to happen to different people leads me to wonder that.

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Thanks ladies.
It's tough because around her dad, like I said, I was there and she was calling etc. This time I know it was harder for her, and she expressed that she is scared of how she will feel once her mom actually passes. Two days before it happened she had said to me "I'll contact you when I need you." And the next call was bam, she passed.

She knows and I have reiterated that I am here, and that I'm here for the next 5, 10, + years. I told her grieve how she needs, I will always know its not personal. But I still feel like it is . Also my heart is breaking for her. 25 is too young to have been through the last few years that she has had.

I want to take her pain, I just feel kid of helpless. At risk of doing the wrong thing, I'm doing less than I did with her dad.


Anyways I'm rambling now, but thanks for the kind words.


Sent from my "smart" phone, 'scuse crazy typos.
Originally Posted by Narnia
It's hard and I understand. I'm going through my own personal issues and I totally feel abandoned by my friend. It's hard because I'm being told I'm selfish, but I don't think it's that simple. I need a friend right now too and I am completely sympathetic and understanding that right now she can't be there for me. I'm not going to hold it against her and am doing it on my own.

That said I'm also calling her on her ish and it's starting to cause conflict. I definitiely feel like this is driving us apart and I don't know what to do. I can be both understanding and annoyed when I'm waiting for her to show up and have been cancelled on for the billionth time.

Just trying to say I empathize and understand.
Just a thought and it might not be the case here I don't know

Is it possible your being too helpful or reminding her too much of her loss? Sometimes people want or need a break from their problems.
Originally Posted by cympreni
This
idk...for me, different people require more energy to be around, or a different kind of energy. And I agree with Cymp.
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