Words of encouragement for a friend-childbirth related

Jess the Mess · 06-10-2012, 07:21 PM

My close friend gave birth on Friday. It was 2 weeks before her due date and she was rushed into being induced because of very high blood pressure and the level of protein in her urine was too high. They induced with pitocin on Thursday afternoon and everything was going alright until she stopped progressing at 7 cm. It seems that the magnesium she was given for her BP was counteracting the pit. After many hours her DR advised her to have a c-section. Surgery went smoothly and baby and mom have no complications. Everyone is doing good. I went to visit yesterday and my friend was in high spirits, even standing and walking alright.

I went back to visit today and T looked tired as can be. She was apparently up all night because they wanted her to nurse so often. They were concerned because baby hadn't urinated after his circumcision. He would root and latch on but immediately reject. Her milk still hasn't come in (which I know is normal in the first few days) so she was concerned he just wasn't getting enough liquid. On top of all that the pain from the c-section really kicked in. They are giving her pain meds but she is having trouble walking, sitting, or standing on her own. I know this is a familiar to story to many of you.

T asked me if I would take her outside for a little walk. She hadn't been outside the hospital in 3 days. So of course I did. Baby was perfectly fine being left with our SOs. He had just nursed before we got there. Anyway as we're walking she starts to tell me she is having a really hard time. Dealing with the pain, the disappointment of having to have a c-section, trouble nursing, etc. I listened and listened and validated her feelings. I told her it was ok to be upset that it didn't go the way she had imagined it. I encouraged her to be honest about those feelings, even if she only wanted to share them with me.

The reason I'm asking for more adivice on what to say is I don't feel like that for either of my births. I delivered vaginally with no complications. Not that mine were perfect by any means but the difference I see in her after having a c-section and my births is huge.

So here is my question (if you're still reading). If you were disappointed in how one or more of your births had gone what do you wish the people around you had done or said to try and help? I mean, she's obviously already reaching out to me but I want to give her what she needs. Also advice for her on what to say to her SO. He just doesn't seem to understand. He's just happy they're fine and healthy. He's just ready to take them home. T said he's driving her nuts. I'm sure 4 nights in the hospital hasn't helped that.

Anyway I plan on taking dinner to them a few nights this week and probably next week too so any advice or words of encouragement, or even any stories you want to share so I have a better understanding would be greatly appreciated. I realize this was long so TIA.

Nej · 06-10-2012, 07:51 PM

No advice since I have never given birth but I just wanted to say you sound like a great friend. I can only imagine how hard it must be for her and to know that whatever she is feeling is okay.

RedCatWaves · 06-10-2012, 08:33 PM

Familiar story, indeed. I lived through that scenario.

The thing that would have helped me is exactly what you are doing...listen to her talking about not having the birth she wanted. That's a very hard thing for people to hear...and they generally just want to say something about "just-be-grateful-baby-and-you-are-OK" which is very invalidating. So, just continue doing what you're doing. And give her time. She's going to need a long time to process this and will probably need to discuss this many times in the next year or three...if you can be that person, then she'll have at least one person who will let her express herself. A stolen childbirth is very much like a rape, especially if she was really invested in giving birth under her own steam.

PLUS...surgery really f***ing hurts, so she's going to need validation that it's OK to care for herself as well as the baby.

crimsonshedemon · 06-10-2012, 09:17 PM

I agree with RCW. Just listen and validate her feelings. I was so disappointed in my c-section that I had a vbac and delivered a bigger baby. I was also induced and failed to dilate past 3, then my cervix swelled (supposedly). Then told my pelvis was too small. I had no problems nursing. She needs to rest, take pain meds around the clock, nurse as often as possible and rest some more. Walking a little at a time helped.

If you can take her food, that would be helpful or watch the baby so she can nap.
You're a good friend!

CurlyCanadian · 06-10-2012, 09:24 PM

Nothing to add, but just wanted to say what a great friend you are Jess! She is very lucky to have you

Jess the Mess · 06-10-2012, 09:55 PM

Thanks. I want to be there as much as I can. She doesn't have much family around and they aren't the most sympathetic or supporting people at times. It's her first baby and I just want to help as much as I can in whatever way possible.

I told her and her SO today not to hesitate to ask if they need anything. And food is at the top of that list. I cook anyway so making extra isn't a problem. Plus T loves my cooking. She got really excited when i offered dinner for the week. I'm glad that it comes at a time when my kids won't be in school and since I'm a SAHM with older kids I can be available if/when she needs me.

I remember all the emotions I felt after my first and how tired and lonely I became. Everyone had a been-there-done-that attitude with me and when I expressed my frustrations they shrugged them off. No one ever talked to me about post-partum depression or other feelings along those lines. I was just supposed to be over the moon about my baby. I also lived on the opposite end of the country and had no help. I just want her to know she isn't alone.

I've also made it a point to ask her how she is, talk with her, sit with her, before I hold the baby. I remember feeling, after both my kids were born, that everyone wanted baby and I was put on the back burner. I want her to know how important she is to me.

I am really happy that she trusts me enough to share her feelings so soon after the birth.

And in case you wanted to see my precious new "nephew", here is me with Baby Logan.

My fat thumb will make mistakes.

FieryCurls · 06-10-2012, 10:15 PM

He's a cute baby. He doesn't look like a newborn at all.

mcheryce · 06-10-2012, 10:17 PM

I went through that same thing and had post partum depression with my 1st. Definitely remind her that he's hers and he loves her no matter how he came in this world. When he's pooping all over her church clothes in a couple months she won't be thinking about c sections and latching. Lol! Make sure to get her referred to the post partum groups that the hospital offers.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-11-2012, 09:24 AM

What concerns me is the reaction of her husband...his apparent oblivion to her discomfort/disappointment/stress/whatever.

Is he normally oblivious to her feelings? If this is out of character, then a nice little talk might clue him in.

But if he is always insensitive, then I doubt it will do much good.

My exhusband was very insensitive, albeit well meaning. And the time that insensitivity showed most clearly was during my pregnancies, deliveries, early days w/ the babies. And it turned out to really be nails in the coffin of our marriage. So I think if someone can quickly buy this guy a clue, it could make a world of difference to her/them.

About the delivery itself...well, it is what is. Some are easy and some are not. Nothing you can do or really say about it now except to be as supportive as possible while gently pushing her forward into the next phase.

webjockey · 06-11-2012, 10:45 AM

Definitely listening without trying to diagnose or suggest remedies.

For example I remember getting a strong feeling of sadness when breastfeeding with my first. When I would share this, the first thing people would ask me if if I was suicidal and to get immediate help for PPD etc. etc. That made me not want to share anything I was feeling because I didn't want to be labeled or have to explain that I was not suicidal.

Also meeting her where she is with the type of help she is open and willing to receive. Some have trouble accepting help around the house like cleaning/laundry. It sounds like you have found a nice balance with the food stuff.

inheritedcurls · 06-11-2012, 12:31 PM

I think you handled it wonderfully. Just listening, offering help...not judging or telling her she should just be happy to be healhy and have a healthy baby. I was mentally prepared for a c-section both times...but not the pain. I will say motrin helped me a lot more than the pain pills.

She's had major unexpected surgery which can do a lot mentally to a person...besides just becoming a new mom.

Jess the Mess · 06-11-2012, 12:53 PM

I posted this big reply that got lost. Grrr.

Jess the Mess · 06-12-2012, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

What concerns me is the reaction of her husband...his apparent oblivion to her discomfort/disappointment/stress/whatever.

Is he normally oblivious to her feelings? If this is out of character, then a nice little talk might clue him in.

But if he is always insensitive, then I doubt it will do much good.

My exhusband was very insensitive, albeit well meaning. And the time that insensitivity showed most clearly was during my pregnancies, deliveries, early days w/ the babies. And it turned out to really be nails in the coffin of our marriage. So I think if someone can quickly buy this guy a clue, it could make a world of difference to her/them.

About the delivery itself...well, it is what is. Some are easy and some are not. Nothing you can do or really say about it now except to be as supportive as possible while gently pushing her forward into the next phase.

My reply got lost so I was waiting until the boards started working again.

Her SO is very sensitive to her and her feelings. He has been great through all of it and he's really trying to be there for her. It's just that he doesn't understand what she is feeling. He is just glad that they are healthy, etc. He isn't let down by how things went the way she is. And 4 days in the hospital had made them both stir-crazy. They both told me so.

Her SO talked to my SO and admitted that part of the problem at the time was he felt so helpless. He sees her in pain and can't take it away. There's problems nursing and with baby having to urinate by a certain time and there's nothing he can do. So he tends to hover which just annoys T.

They went home yesterday and while everyone is tired they are certainly happy to be in their own place instead of the hospital. I'm just going to keep letting her know I'm here for her when she needs it. Thanks everyone. I appreciate the words of encouragement both for her and me.