Thoughts on this...

spiderlashes5000 · 06-13-2012, 11:24 AM

One of my fav bloggers wrote this today.

Not trying to pass this off as some novel idea; I've heard it a million times.

I just don't really agree.

Curious what you think. Explain your POV.

Sometimes, we let someone else's words take over our lives. If someone tells us our outfit is ugly, some of us would never wear it again. If someone tells us our teeth are crooked, some of us would never smile fully again. We'd change and hide to please them, because we want to fit in. But fitting in is cliche and overrated. Be who you truly are because that's originality…and that will always work for you.

If you subscribe to her, too, don't say who it is and put her on blast. It's not really meant to be about her. Just the thought. Thnx

Like.Australia · 06-13-2012, 11:28 AM

I'm not sure which part you disagree with, but fitting in has never really been important to me. I've had a pretty good run so far. :shrug:

The New Black · 06-13-2012, 11:53 AM

Sounds like a pretty good take on things to me.

Krayt · 06-13-2012, 11:54 AM

I agree with what she said.

Be yourself.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-13-2012, 01:07 PM

What about the concept of self improvement or constructive criticism?

What if your clothes really are fugly and/or inappropriate? What if your teeth really are jacked?

Just continue on, looking crazy and snaggle-toothed, saying mmhmmm, that's right, better recognize!?

"At some point in all this self acceptance, do we miss out on a healthy dose of introspection?" (doing my best Carrie Bradshaw - SATC impersonation)

SCG · 06-13-2012, 01:14 PM

I think there's a huge difference between constructive criticism, and flat out criticism.

For example, what can someone possibly gain from being told their teeth are crooked? I realize that was just an example given... But still, what good is it going to do them? I'm sure they're well aware.

I used to get made fun of non-stop when I was younger, because I was so bad at sports. I knew it. I didn't need anyone to remind me... But because they did, it sure as heck kept me from playing sports (even for fun) for a long, long time. And actually, to this day, it takes a heck of a lot of coercing, and the promise of an ice cream cone, to even get me thinking about playing sports for fun.

Saria · 06-13-2012, 01:19 PM

You're not really channeling Carrie Bradshaw in a discussion about outward appearance and self-acceptance, are you?

Fugly is subjective. I find a lot of what fashion/style experts recommend to be fugly.
Inappropriate, yes, depending on the occasion, and particularly in a job situation, people should dress accordingly because that affects their livelihood and well, people do have to make money to support themselves.

As for teeth, I actually hate that society puts so much pressure to have perfect teeth. There are people who quite simply can't afford to get their teeth fixed. They have no choice but to live with that. The onus should be on society to get the hell over it instead of making someone feel bad for something they can't fix.
Now, if you have really funky breath, you should take care of that because it affects others.

Like.Australia · 06-13-2012, 01:22 PM

I think most people are aware of their own shortcomings. Having someone point them out isn't doing anything to help them. I grew up in a household where I was constantly criticized by the older women in my family (mom, grandma on her side) about weight, clothing, what I ate or didn't eat, etc. It did nothing but make me feel bad and resent them, even to this day.

The clothing example is ridiculous, IMO. Who cares? Maybe someone just has a different style -- to each their own.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-13-2012, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SCG

I think there's a huge difference between constructive criticism, and flat out criticism.

For example, what can someone possibly gain from being told their teeth are crooked? I realize that was just an example given... But still, what good is it going to do them? I'm sure they're well aware.

I used to get made fun of non-stop when I was younger, because I was so bad at sports. I knew it. I didn't need anyone to remind me... But because they did, it sure as heck kept me from playing sports (even for fun) for a long, long time. And actually, to this day, it takes a heck of a lot of coercing, and the promise of an ice cream cone, to even get me thinking about playing sports for fun.

But say you had messed up teeth and came from a family of people who had messed up teeth. No one in your family said anything to you about your teeth bc they all had similar and no one thought anything about it. But now you are leaving home and going out on your own, and you are entering the workforce where you will be judged based on your appearance and grooming and whether you are a "good fit" etc.

I'm not saying someone should berate you or tease you bc of your teeth. But if they are clearly detract from your appearance and present you in an unfavorable way, wouldn't you want to know? Rather than wait 20 years to figure out why you felt so "different?"

IDK...just using the teeth example bc that's what she used.

It could be your loud, obnoxious laugh, your overtly sexual way of dressing, the shyness that gets mistaken for aloof detachment, the bad grammar that makes you eeem ignorant, whatever...

No?

eta -- I didn't read Saria's post prior to typing this. Yes, if you can't afford to fix the issue (assuming you have an issue), that is frustrating.

And I'm not sure I even mean "perfect teeth." But what if you have some that are rotten or missing or broken, and your parents never said anything bc they, themelves, are toothless?

But maybe something to strive for if/when the opportunity presents itself?

The teeth thing isn't a great example. Just using that bc she did. I was thinking this theory could be applied to certain personality/behavior traits...

ttlolla · 06-13-2012, 01:24 PM

I agree with her. If others think your dress is ugly and you think 'its not that bad ' ... Then don't stop wearing it .

Of course, thinking your opinion of yourself or choices is superior to others all the time has its drawbacks; but I'd still rather be this person than be the one who is constantly seeking approval from the rest of the world .

People should never give others power to put them down. So what my teeth is distracting??? How is that affecting MY life ?

Like.Australia · 06-13-2012, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

But say you had messed up teeth and came from a family of people who had messed up teeth. No one in your family said anything to you about your teeth bc they all had similar and no one thought anything about it. But now you are leaving home and going out on your own, and you are entering the workforce where you wil be judged based on your appearance and grooming and whether you are a "good fit" etc.

I'm ot saying someone should berate you or tease you bc of your teeth. But if they are clearly detract from your appearance and present you in an unfavorable way, wouldn't you want to know? Rather than wait 20 years to figure out why you felt so "different?"

IDK...just using the teeth example bc that's what she used.

It could be your loud, obnoxious laugh, your overtly sexual way of dressing, the shyness that gets mistaken for aloof detachment, the bad grammar that makes you eeem ignorant, whatever...

No?

No. People should be themselves, especially when it comes to personality or other little quirks. Why would you want to "fit in" with people who didn't like your laugh? Honestly, who cares.

jeepcurlygurl · 06-13-2012, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saria

Fugly is subjective. I find a lot of what fashion/style experts recommend to be fugly.
Inappropriate, yes, depending on the occasion, and particularly in a job situation, people should dress accordingly because that affects their livelihood and well, people do have to make money to support themselves.

As for teeth, I actually hate that society puts so much pressure to have perfect teeth. There are people who quite simply can't afford to get their teeth fixed. They have no choice but to live with that. The onus should be on society to get the hell over it instead of making someone feel bad for something they can't fix.
Now, if you have really funky breath, you should take care of that because it affects others.

ditto times a million. I'm tired of hearing how every kid now has to have braces and every adult has to have their teeth bleached and crowned.
I dislike conformity just because someone says we should conform. My sister always had slightly crooked front teeth. They were certainly not ugly and made her look like 'her'. A few years ago one of her jerk boyfriends told her all the things she had wrong with her. She had a face lift, got braces, and now only wears her hair straight. She looks like everyone else, nothing special now. I think that sucks.

Saria · 06-13-2012, 01:36 PM

I think if your teeth are rotting, you should take care of that because they're unhealthy, not because other people are put off by your teeth.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-13-2012, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Like.Australia

No. People should be themselves, especially when it comes to personality or other little quirks. Why would you want to "fit in" with people who didn't like your laugh? Honestly, who cares.

Maybe an employer cares? Maybe an admissions board at a university you want to attend cares? Maybe the neighborhood watch member who thinks you're trying to break into someone's house cares? Maybe your kids bc they are tired of their classmates calling you names care?

Does all of this unqualified self acceptance ever become a problem?

Like.Australia · 06-13-2012, 01:45 PM

I'm not even sure what you're looking for here. I would never change myself to "fit in." Period.

People do all kinds of things to get a job or get into a school. Maybe they're more conservative or reserved in a professional atmosphere. That doesn't mean they're changing who they are or don't have self-acceptance or high self esteem.

I have no idea why a neighbor would think I'm breaking in because of my personality or whatever, unless part of my personality included peaking into their windows or jiggling their door handle or something. That would be trespassing and some kind of odd issue that needs to be addressed, not so that I would fit in, but because it's causing some life issue.

And I'd tell my kids that they should get over it. Kids need to learn that fitting in isn't the be-all.

KookyCurl · 06-13-2012, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Maybe an employer cares? Maybe an admissions board at a university you want to attend cares? Maybe the neighborhood watch member who thinks you're trying to break into someone's house cares? Maybe your kids bc they are tired of their classmates calling you names care?

Does all of this unqualified self acceptance ever become a problem?

Does it effect how I do my job? or how qualified I am to attend their college? No. Then it's not my problem, it's theirs.

Why would some neighborhood watch person think I'm breaking in? Am I jiggling windows on random houses?

For my kids, it's a lesson in what is acceptable behavior. It is unacceptable to make fun of someone for things they cannot help. It is also impolite. I might think twice if it is truly bothering my children themselves, but not for others.

Many people don't like my big hair or think my large boobs make everything I wear inappropriate. I'm not changing either unless I want to. Not for anyone else.

LadyV69 · 06-13-2012, 02:34 PM

I don't have any issues with the blogger's statement at all. Sure, in certain environments, we do have to behave a certain way, conform to a dress code or whatever, but that doesn't mean we've changed who or what we are once we step outside those environments. If anything, sometimes my bending over backwards in order to fit in caused me more grief in the long run. An example of this would be my hair (well, this is a hair board, after all). From practically the cradle, it was implied and flat out said that I had nappy hair and that it was ugly. In order for me to be deemed acceptable, my hair had to be straightened. I started getting perms in high school and they took my edges and my crown out. Did I stop then? No. Because the people around me believed that if I wore my hair the way it grew out of my scalp, that I'd never get a job, have a man, etc. Many of us on this board have heard the spiel. Over the years, my hair got damaged even more. Eventually, in an attempt to hide the damage, I got extensions and weaves, but guess what? They only damaged my hair even further. My edges are still extremely thin nearly three years after I went fully natural. I don't know how I still have any hair, really. If I hadn't been so eager to fit in and gone natural years ago, my hair would have sustained less damage.

jeepcurlygurl · 06-13-2012, 02:57 PM

If someone cares about how I laugh (I do sound like a crazy hyena) or if my teeth are perfectly straight or if my hair is straight or how much I weigh or if my heels are high enough - I would never ever want to be their friend or work for them or belong to their organization.
I really like being myself. I hang around with/work for/belong to organizations with people who like me just as I am. And vice versa.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-13-2012, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeepcurlygurl

If someone cares about how I laugh (I do sound like a crazy hyena) or if my teeth are perfectly straight or if my hair is straight or how much I weigh or if my heels are high enough - I would never ever want to be their friend or work for them or belong to their organization.
I really like being myself. I hang around with/work for/belong to organizations with people who like me just as I am. And vice versa.

You never feel pressured to or forced to conform? You never feel a push to better yourself, even when it means changing aspects of yourself?

macluan · 06-13-2012, 03:17 PM

I agree with the blogger. Judgement is our egos. There is no perfect way.