I'm enraged - Is this divorce-worthy to you? UPDATE-post 71 - Page 4

xcptnl · 06-17-2012, 06:41 PM

Is there any reason why you have not talked to him yet? (I am assuming you have not but if I am mistaken I apologize).

The New Black · 06-17-2012, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs

what does smokytym mean?

were things feeling good and right in your marriage before this latest bombshell?

I assume smokytym means she's getting ready to smoke some weed. They've been exchanging messages saying, "I'm so stoned," etc.

As for the state of our marriage, I've posted about our sex life (or lack thereof). I'll see if I can find the link.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xcptnl

Is there any reason why you have not talked to him yet? (I am assuming you have not but if I am mistaken I apologize).

Nope, we haven't talked yet. I don't know how to bring it up and I'm not sure I can handle the ensuing conversation or what happens afterward. I also wonder if I should wait to get more info. I casually brought up the "friend's" name and asked her last name. And he acted like he wasnt even sure, like he didnt know her that well.

xcptnl · 06-17-2012, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

I assume smokytym means she's getting ready to smoke some weed. They've been exchanging messages saying, "I'm so stoned," etc.

As for the state of our marriage, I've posted about our sex life (or lack thereof). I'll see if I can find the link.

Nope, we haven't talked yet. I don't know how to bring it up and I'm not sure I can handle the ensuing conversation or what happens afterward. I also wonder if I should wait to get more info. I casually brought up the "friend's" name and asked her last name. And he acted like he wasnt even sure, like he didnt know her that well.

I totally understand that. I am sure you feel once you take that step there is no turning back. Take care of yourself and I am so sorry you are going through this.

The New Black · 06-17-2012, 07:12 PM

^^Thank you, x.

Here's a link to a post about our history: My husband - impotent for about 8 yrs. What to do? (longish)

claudine19 · 06-17-2012, 07:17 PM

Oh, TNB.

I wish I was there to give you a hug, a cookie, and something great from a makeup brand you love.

luvmylocs · 06-17-2012, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

Here's a link to a post about our history: My husband - impotent for about 8 yrs. What to do? (longish)

yep i remember that time and your posts. almost 4 years ago, i commented on the post a few times. what i wasn't clear on is if when you guys reconnected was the sex and everything else was good. it seems it's not.

i haven't read anything to support why you reconnected with your husband and/or why you wish to stay with him now. not judging at all i'm just wondering why you wish to stay. is it spiritual reasons only? do you still feel like divorcing is against God's will and He wants you to be married and celibate?

sorry you're going through this.

Fifi.G · 06-18-2012, 02:14 AM

I've read this thread, and your older link. I am so very sorry. I have never been married, but I would take it incredibly serious if I were. With that said, I hope you don't mind if I share something. I can relate, in ways, and want you to know the how and why.

In my 20's I spent 3 years with a man who had intimacy issues. He went from lower than average to non existent sex drive, within a year. I questioned physical and mental conditions (family history of depression), had constant and reasonable suspicions he was gay, and discovered he had a porn addiction. He was always more comfortable with talking about or viewing, rather than actually doing. I know exactly what that does to you and how it makes you think & feel. I felt that way until I discovered it was common in ALL of his past relationships. It had nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me at all. I stayed with this guy (I'd been friends with since HS) out of a seemingly deep platonic comfort, and because of a family tragedy that I couldn't leave him alone in. In reality, start to finish, there was nothing comfortable about it. I ended up insecure and full of resentment toward him. I am truly sorry, woman to woman, that you have been going through this. It comes with a gambit of incredibly heavy thoughts and emotions.

With your current situation, which I agree is inappropriate at the very least, I can only say... You have to do what you feel is best for yourself and your marriage, when you feel it is right. I know the idea of confronting is hard, but the longer you wait the harder it will become. As you know from the past (and I assume still on going) issue, resentment will build. I do think it's wise that you have taken some time to think and further explore the messages BUT I sincerely hope you find the words you need, and can speak to him sometime soon. You have valid questions and concerns. You deserve some answers, and you truly deserve some peace and clarity of mind.

iroc · 06-18-2012, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

This sort of things hits you like a sock to the stomach, doesn't it? Saw more messages today from him to her: "Thinking bout you."

And from her back: "xoxox" and "smokytym."

eye rolling...

Yes. I remember seeing email after email. When I was done, I ran to the bathroom because I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I was hysterical, and for half of that day I thought I would lose my mind. I printed out all the emails and left them for him to see when he came home.

It was hard being that hurt because of him because normally if I was hurt, the person I'd seek comfort from was him.

I was in a bad place after that, and unfortunately got wrapped up with my ex husband too soon after. Which kind of put me in a bad place for 10 years.

Funny, it was my now, wonderful fantastic boyfriend who alerted me that there was goings on at the time. Come to find out, many people knew, but no one wanted to tell me.

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Josephine · 06-18-2012, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iroc

Yes. I remember seeing email after email. When I was done, I ran to the bathroom because I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I was hysterical, and for half of that day I thought I would lose my mind. I printed out all the emails and left them for him to see when he came home.

It was hard being that hurt because of him because normally if I was hurt, the person I'd seek comfort from was him.

Yes, I know the feeling. And because of the bolded I still did seek comfort from him as weird as it sounds. It's so strange. It did and still feels like I don't even know this person. And everything we did together didn't count, that it was a lie because he wasn't who I thought he was.

iroc · 06-18-2012, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine

Yes, I know the feeling. And because of the bolded I still did seek comfort from him as weird as it sounds. It's so strange. It did and still feels like I don't even know this person. And everything we did together didn't count, that it was a lie because he wasn't who I thought he was.

I did too. I kicked him out, but then went to see him because I was so upset, and I'd spent so many years with him I didn't know where else to turn. Its a terrible position to be put in.

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The New Black · 06-28-2012, 07:55 AM

A few days ago I found out that hubs has been on some sex websites like F***book.com, marriedbutlonely.com and others. I asked him about it today and he said it was spam email. I generally don't think he's a liar, but I don't know. Anyway I then mustered up the guts to ask him about the texts. He said, "that's Jennifer's thing. She likes those, since she's lesbian." I also asked about the "I love you" messages and he said he does love her but not like he loves me. And he said she was a really good friend while he and I were separated.

I then asked about the messages where he said he was stoned, but he played them off like they weren't true but just something to say. He admitted that in the 4 years we were separated they did get high together a lot. He also said they got drunk a lot, to the point where he thought he might lose his job because he was coming to work drunk. I didn't know any of this.

He went on about how horrible the separation was for him and how he thinks, if it weren't for his friends and needing to take care of his dying mother at the time, he would've ended up dead. He also said a few times how he didn't need to explain himself because he's grown and I shouldn't invade his privacy. That's true, although I do think sometimes people need to explain themselves. He really laid a guilt trip on me about the separation, which bothers me a lot. I don't want him to be that needy, especially when I'm unhappy in the relationship. It's like he wants to keep me from leaving but he doesn't want me to be happy if I stay. It's a catch-22. I don't want to be responsible for him falling into a deep depression, getting addicted to something, or possibly killing himself.

poisonivy · 06-28-2012, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

A few days ago I found out that hubs has been on some sex websites like F***book.com, marriedbutlonely.com and others. I asked him about it today and he said it was spam email. I generally don't think he's a liar, but I don't know. Anyway I then mustered up the guts to ask him about the texts. He said, "that's Jennifer's thing. She likes those, since she's lesbian." I also asked about the "I love you" messages and he said he does love her but not like he loves me. And he said she was a really good friend while he and I were separated.

I then asked about the messages where he said he was stoned, but he played them off like they weren't true but just something to say. He admitted that in the 4 years we were separated they did get high together a lot. He also said they got drunk a lot, to the point where he thought he might lose his job because he was coming to work drunk. I didn't know any of this.

He went on about how horrible the separation was for him and how he thinks, if it weren't for his friends and needing to take care of his dying mother at the time, he would've ended up dead. He also said a few times how he didn't need to explain himself because he's grown and I shouldn't invade his privacy. That's true, although I do think sometimes people need to explain themselves. He really laid a guilt trip on me about the separation, which bothers me a lot. I don't want him to be that needy, especially when I'm unhappy in the relationship. It's like he wants to keep me from leaving but he doesn't want me to be happy if I stay. It's a catch-22. I don't want to be responsible for him falling into a deep depression, getting addicted to something, or possibly killing himself.

He has you right where he wants you. You cannot put your happiness on the back burner because you fear he will hurt himself. Its a tough position to be in I know. He's obviously self destructive and there really isn't anything you can do to help him. He has to help himself. Guilt is no reason to stay in a relationship.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-28-2012, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

A few days ago I found out that hubs has been on some sex websites like F***book.com, marriedbutlonely.com and others. I asked him about it today and he said it was spam email. I generally don't think he's a liar, but I don't know. Anyway I then mustered up the guts to ask him about the texts. He said, "that's Jennifer's thing. She likes those, since she's lesbian." I also asked about the "I love you" messages and he said he does love her but not like he loves me. And he said she was a really good friend while he and I were separated.

I then asked about the messages where he said he was stoned, but he played them off like they weren't true but just something to say. He admitted that in the 4 years we were separated they did get high together a lot. He also said they got drunk a lot, to the point where he thought he might lose his job because he was coming to work drunk. I didn't know any of this.

He went on about how horrible the separation was for him and how he thinks, if it weren't for his friends and needing to take care of his dying mother at the time, he would've ended up dead. He also said a few times how he didn't need to explain himself because he's grown and I shouldn't invade his privacy. That's true, although I do think sometimes people need to explain themselves. He really laid a guilt trip on me about the separation, which bothers me a lot. I don't want him to be that needy, especially when I'm unhappy in the relationship. It's like he wants to keep me from leaving but he doesn't want me to be happy if I stay. It's a catch-22. I don't want to be responsible for him falling into a deep depression, getting addicted to something, or possibly killing himself.

Sorry but this is BS. He can dance around this stuff and make up these excuses and explanations but it is still BS. (You know no straight, married man texts a lesbian friend to even a fraction of the extent he has been texting her! You would have to be a total state-certified imbecile to believe that. Sorry but he is not being honest w/ you.)

Neither one of you is happy and the marriage is lacking in many critical ways. Not just these texts...but the whole picture when you put all the pieces together.

I would never try to talk anyone into a divorce for moral reasons.

But what's going on here isn't moral either.

Biblically speaking, husbands are expected to conduct themseves in certain ways and fullfil certain obligations, and he's not.

If you are looking to get out of your marriage (secularly), you've got your reasons. Even, Biblically, you could make a strong case. But why not use his supposedly strong desire to continue the marriage in presenting him with an ultimatum to GET PROFESSIONAL HELP?

When something is (supposedly) important to you, you will go to great lengths to hold on to it. Let's see how important the marriage is to him. Is it more important than the discomfort he will feel talking to a counselor? The hassle of initiating sex w/ you? Or the awkwardness of ending this fling with the...ahem...lesbian friend? Or the other stuff?

IMO some of his behavior is a subtle form of abuse and you owe it to yourself to demand better.

But I am so glad you finally confronted him.

eta - HIV/STI test before sex w/ him!

missbanjo · 06-28-2012, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

A few days ago I found out that hubs has been on some sex websites like F***book.com, marriedbutlonely.com and others. I asked him about it today and he said it was spam email. I generally don't think he's a liar, but I don't know. Anyway I then mustered up the guts to ask him about the texts. He said, "that's Jennifer's thing. She likes those, since she's lesbian." I also asked about the "I love you" messages and he said he does love her but not like he loves me. And he said she was a really good friend while he and I were separated.

I then asked about the messages where he said he was stoned, but he played them off like they weren't true but just something to say. He admitted that in the 4 years we were separated they did get high together a lot. He also said they got drunk a lot, to the point where he thought he might lose his job because he was coming to work drunk. I didn't know any of this.

He went on about how horrible the separation was for him and how he thinks, if it weren't for his friends and needing to take care of his dying mother at the time, he would've ended up dead. He also said a few times how he didn't need to explain himself because he's grown and I shouldn't invade his privacy. That's true, although I do think sometimes people need to explain themselves. He really laid a guilt trip on me about the separation, which bothers me a lot. I don't want him to be that needy, especially when I'm unhappy in the relationship. It's like he wants to keep me from leaving but he doesn't want me to be happy if I stay. It's a catch-22. I don't want to be responsible for him falling into a deep depression, getting addicted to something, or possibly killing himself.

Yea guilt trip alright, and he knows it. You can't be responsibile for an adult that doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions. These are his issues and he obviously needs some professional help to get through them.

Josephine · 06-28-2012, 08:20 AM

My first ex went to the hospital when we broke up and tried to blame it on me. He claimed he was suicidal but I wasn't happy with him. It's very selfish and I learned to ignore it after being unhappy for years.

My last ex joined ashley affairs or something(website for people who want to have secret affairs) the last few months we were together. The day after he moved out he joined hookup websites, hornybrasilians, etc.

I'm sorry but that stuff in your husband's inbox is not spam. I wanted to believe it was something else too but it was not. There are too many things going on that are not right.

LAwoman · 06-28-2012, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Neither one of you is happy and the marriage is lacking in many critical ways. Not just these texts...but the whole picture when you put all the pieces together.

Bingo.

And I'm sorry, but how old is this man? Flirty texts with lesbians (if she really even is one)... going to work DRUNK (and possibly stoned) ?? Geesh, even if he isn't having an out-and-out affair, these things alone add up to a man who is completely emotionally stunted and not equipped to deal with reality and his problems in a mature, mentally healthy way.

Sorry, I just think you deserve way better.

Saria · 06-28-2012, 08:25 AM

Yeah, it's such a convenient excuse to say it's spam. He's trying to play you like a fiddle.

The New Black · 06-28-2012, 08:32 AM

You're all right. If another woman came to me with this same situation, I could spot her husband's BS a mile away.

scrills · 06-28-2012, 08:38 AM

Im so sorry you are going through this. His story is just that, a story.

His destructive behavior is not your fault (and take that from someone who has lost someone to suicide).

Please do what's best for you right now. I have this book called the 30 day breakup cure. I havent read the whole thing, but one of the first rules is to treat yourself and give yourself advice as if you were your own best friend. What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Is he willing to discontinue his interaction with this person all together for the sake of the marriage? For me, that would be one if my first questions and his reaction would tell me a lot

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geeky · 06-28-2012, 09:21 AM

What a load of BS. I am so angry on your behalf. How dare he offer a bunch of excuses (and not even remotely believable ones) and then try to pin the blame on you.
I agree with Spiderlashes 100%! What you are in is not a real marriage, it is an enabling system for his BS. If he really hates the idea of separating then he needs to admit that he has huge problems and start working on them and turn this into a real marriage.
I wish you strength and peace.