I'm enraged - Is this divorce-worthy to you? UPDATE-post 71 - Page 6

wild_sasparilla · 06-29-2012, 01:52 AM

I have no experience to stand on to offer anything but a hug and my apologies that you're going through this. I just want to reiterate that we're all here for you. And it's a big hug!

(((((((((TNB))))))))

Spider · 06-29-2012, 03:44 AM

So sorry - this sucks! But I think you really have to think about your quality of life and happiness; clearly he is not.

His actions speak louder than words, and I wouldn't be surprised if he changes his password so he can continue his games. He is a grown man and is doing what he wants to do. Now you have to get the courage to take control.

BlackAngelPlayah · 06-29-2012, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black

A few days ago I found out that hubs has been on some sex websites like F***book.com, marriedbutlonely.com and others. I asked him about it today and he said it was spam email. I generally don't think he's a liar, but I don't know. Anyway I then mustered up the guts to ask him about the texts. He said, "that's Jennifer's thing. She likes those, since she's lesbian." I also asked about the "I love you" messages and he said he does love her but not like he loves me. And he said she was a really good friend while he and I were separated.

I then asked about the messages where he said he was stoned, but he played them off like they weren't true but just something to say. He admitted that in the 4 years we were separated they did get high together a lot. He also said they got drunk a lot, to the point where he thought he might lose his job because he was coming to work drunk. I didn't know any of this.

He went on about how horrible the separation was for him and how he thinks, if it weren't for his friends and needing to take care of his dying mother at the time, he would've ended up dead. He also said a few times how he didn't need to explain himself because he's grown and I shouldn't invade his privacy. That's true, although I do think sometimes people need to explain themselves. He really laid a guilt trip on me about the separation, which bothers me a lot. I don't want him to be that needy, especially when I'm unhappy in the relationship. It's like he wants to keep me from leaving but he doesn't want me to be happy if I stay. It's a catch-22. I don't want to be responsible for him falling into a deep depression, getting addicted to something, or possibly killing himself.

I'd let the b*tch die.

Needless to say I'm not that cold hearted for real, but I'm going through the same thing right now. Worst part is, mine ain't suicidal, but feels totally justified. But if I was on some site with dudes wanting to get nasty and freaky- in that order- he'd have a canipption fit! Seems everyone is suffering as of late.

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Amazinnatural · 06-29-2012, 04:20 AM

@TNB, PLEASE DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT FOR YOU! We all can tell you anything under the sun, but ultimately it's up to you to make your decision. No matter what we support you! Even though some of us has never met in person, this bond we have on NC is very strong. Please keep your head up and smile even though you feel like crying sometimes. Your faux husband doesn't deserve your love and the effort you've put into this tumultuous relationship. He continues to deny you of some very vital things that are needed for all successful marriages: love, respect, and honesty. If you allow him, he will continue to pump you head up with lies and be deceitful. He says that "he loves you! well. If that's how he shows his love then i don't know what love is. You are strong and very intelligent, you know what is right for you.
I pray that God gives you the strength and insight to move forward in your life. *hugs*

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thelio · 06-29-2012, 06:02 AM

You know how when you are out in public and you overheard peoples conversation. I heard some pearls of wisdom yesterday from a young man.

"I rather be happy with a goldfish, than miserable with a human being."

The New Black · 06-29-2012, 06:49 AM

^^^LOL

Thanks everyone for the support and kind words.

BlackAngelPlayah · 06-30-2012, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelio

You know how when you are out in public and you overheard peoples conversation. I heard some pearls of wisdom yesterday from a young man.

"I rather be happy with a goldfish, than miserable with a human being."

Great advice. The getting there is difficult for some though.

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SusieSuze · 06-30-2012, 01:45 PM

Love all the kind and thoughtful words here.

I do think there are a couple of things you should do before deciding anything or revealing any more of your suspicions.

Talk to a counsellor about the whole thing, and talk to a lawyer about how to protect yourself in a divorce, before you talk to him about anything further. If you can get her number, do so.. google it! You may find out more interesting information.

It is pretty obvious to us that this man you are with, no matter how much you've tried, will never be the loving caring person you make him out to be in your mind. Why does he lie and not admit it's over? I think this kind of man does this because he needs a woman to take care of the mundane crap in his life. he wants a nice home and clean clothes and food prepared for him. Is it me only or aren't all men like this? We take care of it all, don't we? The bills, the house, the everything? He can't live without 'mommy' to do it all. I'm guessing here, but psychologically I think he knows deep down inside how horrible he really has been to you. He is like a guilty 2 year old. When it comes to intimacy, he is so guilty he ends up impotent and gets his needs met elsewhere, with a woman he has not used. Don't worry, she will be the one who he uses soon enough. As soon as you leave him, he will find another 'mommy'.

Although it is you who is very hurt, the reality is that he is actually the one who is the tragedy. What a waste of a life.. to not be able to be honest and open and real with the person in his life who is supposed to be his one and only. A real shame to not have that connection in life! I am sure his girlfriend thinks he is in this loveless marriage and he has told her you are the one who is frigid, or she doesn't even know he is married.. He lives a LIE every day of his life-- Truly pathetic!!

So.. anyone can say DTMFA (dump the MF already) but you can also look at your life from way far away and decide that you want a relationship that includes real intimacy (not just sex, but honesty). You may decide that just being married to a lying 2 year old adult is okay and better than being alone. Being alone is scary. 2 year olds can be lovely and fun too. I know, I raised 2 of them. I would not think poorly of you if you did stay with him, but you would have to change yourself to do so and maintain any sense of happiness. You would have to decide that its okay to be used as mommy, that it's okay that your husband is finding sex elsewhere while he lies to you. There are LOTS of women who are fine with this kind of arrangement!!! REALLY there ARE!!! But if you are going to be miserable because you can't accept it, then see the truth in that. You can choose your response to any kind of stressful situation. You can decide to be different than what your ideals were in the past. You don't have to be what you think is expected of you. Decide what is right for you.

For example, I have friends in polyamorous relationships and see them still in love but having sex with other people, with everyone agreeing it's all okay. Not right for many people but right for them. I will not forget French President Mitterand's funeral. http://iconicphotos.wordpress.com/20...rands-funeral/ The wife knew all about the mistress and other family... it's almost normal in France to accept this. Some wives don't want to know, but deep down they do, but the lifestyle is too good to leave.

Crossing my fingers for you in this horrible situation. Get out for walks if you can, and see the big picture of your life, and what you need to change to get it to where you want it to be. Walking can be so therapeutic. Good luck!

The New Black · 06-30-2012, 05:22 PM

Wow, thanks so much for writing that. I appreciate it.

goldy · 08-14-2012, 07:33 AM

How are you doing TNB?

luvmylocs · 08-14-2012, 01:31 PM

i was wondering about you and how things were with this too.

coilynapp · 08-14-2012, 01:34 PM

Me too. I hope you are doing better and things have been resolved (whatever that means)

The New Black · 08-14-2012, 02:00 PM

Hi, guys! Thanks so much for the follow-up. Truth is, I just want out!! But, unfortunately, things haven't changed at all. It's mostly for financial reasons. The emotional piece is a big factor too. Hubs was sobbing last night, but he wouldn't say why. IDK if this situation has anything to do with it. But it did make me feel pretty bad (maybe I'm a sucker). Still, I can't see myself in this situation indefinitely. So I've got to find a way to make it (the dissolution of our marriage) happen. I'm having lunch on Thursday with a good friend who's a pastor. Maybe he can give me some spiritual guidance. The male POV should help too.

coilynapp · 08-14-2012, 02:24 PM

Is his sobbing a guilt trip attempt? Smells like it. If he didn't want to tell you about it, he knows that you will probably assume it's about your marriage and it will make you feel bad. You're not a sucker--you can't stop yourself from feeling how you feel.

I don't mean to be be negative, but I've been through this kind of guilt tripping before and I can smell it a mile away.

ETA: good luck with your pastor friend. Hope you gain some insight, clarity or whatever else you want to get out of the meeting.

luvmylocs · 08-14-2012, 02:59 PM

yes and protect yourself. all the things you've said about the situation, i'd hate for you to be physically harmed by someone who seems very unstable. i don't want to scare you but the number of people that harm their partner and then themselves seems to be so high now. if you don't feel safe or things seem too whacky on any given day...LEAVE. your health and safety is the absolute most important thing.

ss40 · 08-14-2012, 03:25 PM

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I'm happy you know you want out of the marriage. I think you should suggest that he go to a therapist regardless of the outcome of your relationship. I know it sounds crazy but you can still be his friend when you get divorced. He needs it. Maybe then you can find out why he did what he did. Wish you the best.

I'm cashing out

spiderlashes5000 · 08-15-2012, 09:12 AM

Infidelity can be rough...on the part of the victim and the perpetrator...though people don't usually think that. So can the feeling that your marriage, no matter how unsatisfying and ishy, is ending, no matter the reason. And when you carry lots of guilt around, it seems that you break down crying a lot more easily than if you had a clear conscience. A lot of reason for tears. I hope you get some good counsel from the friend.

Amneris · 08-15-2012, 09:20 AM

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I think your situation has been "divorce worthy" for a long time. I don't see anything positive you're getting out of it, other than maybe the status and comfort of being married, and there's no kids tying you down to stay, so if I were you, I'd leave him, but as others have said, only you can make that choice.
We're here to listen and support you.

emthefantastical · 08-15-2012, 09:47 AM

TNB, I've never gone through a divorce, but I've watched my mom go through divorce twice. The second marriage, she really wanted things to work out, and at first, everything seemed to be fine. As a side note, my mom is religious, and took her marriage vows very seriously. Infidelity was never an issue for her. She dealt with alcoholism, mental abuse from him, as well as trying to deal with his mental issues which included eating disorders, anger issues, and what could be considered mild bipolar disorder, but he refused any sort of help in any of these categories. My mom started seeing a therapist, which was a huge turning point for her, because she was finally able to stop blaming herself for his issues. If you aren't seeing a therapist, I recommend it. Even if you don't blame yourself, being able to have support from a completely outside source can be incredibly helpful, and give you lots of peace of mind in your decision making. Most churches can recommend therapists, in fact, my mom saw her therapist at her church.

My mom stayed in that marriage for almost 12 years, the last two or so years they stayed married for purely financial reasons. I know you take your marriage vows very seriously, and you are religious, but my mom, nor myself can ever imagine God wanting anyone to stay in a relationship that was toxic to them in any way shape or form. Any God I would want to believe in wants his/her children to be happy and fulfilled in their lives. Any God I would want to believe in wants his/her children to share their lives with people who respect them and see them as equals.

iroc · 08-15-2012, 10:18 AM

I'm going through a divorce. I was unhappy for a long time and stayed BC I thought I had to, was supposed to, and thar it was better for the kids.

It wasn't my depression, or complete loss of self worth and self esteem that made me leave. It was when I was so fed up thar we were constantly fighting and my kids were being effected.

My point is, sometimes we will let ourselves fall apart before we give up. I think women are embarrassed, don't want people to talk about them, think they didn't try hard enough, don't want people to know they had a bad marriage ....

Its definitely a feeling of failure. I wish my ex would fall off the face of the planet. He disgusts me. And I still have shed tears about it.

Its tough, I know.

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