The New Black

So I snooped on hubs' phone because he is so protective of his cell. He goes to sleep with it, to the bathroom with it and comes snatching it back if he forgets it. I found some questionable texts recently, but they weren't definitely evidence of cheating. THEN, today I saw pics he sent of naked women, vagina shots, women on women, boobs...ugh. The person he is texting is supposedly a lesbian, which I doubt now. I assume they're having an affair. Shouldn't I assume that? What do I do now? I'm trying to imagine what I'd tell a friend if she came to me with this, but it's hard at this moment. My mind is all a-jumble.

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No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"HIV is a complex mother. Trust me I've written multiple papers and even a rap song about it." Murrcat aka Turtles

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

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scrills

Phoenix, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really don't know that to say. (((hugs)))

scrills

you are going to have to talk to him. But first, you may need some time to yourself to think about what you want and what's acceptable. Again. so sorry

CGNYC

The only thing you can do is tell him directly what happened and don't get derailed by some stupid conversation about you violating his privacy. Apologize for that and get it out of the way and then tell him how you feel about it and ask him what's up. *I* would tell him I promise not to get all crazy if he will just be honest...in other words, don't tell me whatever bs you think I want to hear, tell me the truth and we can work on it.

At the VERY least, it sounds like he is engaged in some pretty heavy flirting and IMO, that energy is better spent on your WIFE. Other couples can make their own rules, but in my relationship that would be crossing a line.

Good luck and it sucks.

Josephine

I agree. I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a similar situation with my ex. I tried to forgive him since I knew nothing physical happened or so I'm pretty sure. And even that was very hard and thought I would never do that but I was so invested and it was too hard to let go. But I never trusted him or saw him the same way again.... so yes I think it's divorce worthy for me I know now that it is. I spent a year never trusting him and thinking about his every move. It was horrible. And yes, it is cheating.

poisonivy

First let me say I'm sorry you have to go through this. IMO, even if he hasn't had any physical contact with this woman, he is still having an affair. It is completely innappropriate for a married man to be sending pictures of his private areas to a woman that is not his wife! He has lusted in his heart, and that makes it cheating.

But has this ever happened before?

The New Black

Not to my knowledge. But now I wonder.

Before we separated about 5.5 years ago, I caught him masturbating once to porn. Then I checked our cable bill and saw he was spending hundreds per month on TV porn. All the while our sex life was nonexistent. I didn't feel that was cheating, per se, but still an(other) obvious attempt to "get off" without me.

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No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"HIV is a complex mother. Trust me I've written multiple papers and even a rap song about it." Murrcat aka Turtles

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

ursula

First of all, like everyone else, I am so sorry you are going through this, TNB. I agree with you that it is a betrayal, and I completely understand thinking that it is grounds for divorce. I would probably, too. But, to give another perspective (not one I agree with, but just throwing it out there as a possibility)--

This isn't true, right? You didn't mention if he was sending pictures of his penis. If he is sending pictures of random vaginas to a lesbian, is that different from two men exchanging pornographic pictures? Not saying I believe this necessarily, but it is a possible argument he could make.

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curlypearl

I find it confusing that he's sending pictures of naked women to someone - are you sure he's sending them to a woman? Regardless of what gender or sexual orientation is on the receiving end, it's totally inappropriate. In the strongest possible terms - it's wrong!!!

At the very least he needs to tell you the truth, the whole truth, etc.

I'm so very sorry you are in this situation, New Black. You must be in a state. I hope you have a friend you really trust IRL who can support you through this. You do have friends here in virtual land (or whatever it is called). We do care about you, we are shocked and saddened for you - I'm sure I am speaking for many.

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medussa

I'm sorry you're going through this.

curlysue21

Even if it was true that she is a lesbian, the situation is inappropriate due to the fact that he is married to YOU. I don't think you'll really understand why though until you talk to him.

Honestly the clingy-ness to his phone would've raised bells with me.

I'm sorry you are going through this though. ((hugs))

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poisonivy

[QUOTE=The New Black;1974114]Not to my knowledge. But now I wonder.

Before we separated about 5.5 years ago, I caught him masturbating once to porn. Then I checked our cable bill and saw he was spending hundreds per month on TV porn. All the while our sex life was nonexistent. I didn't feel that was cheating, per se, but still an(other) obvious attempt to "get off" without me.[/QUOTe

Thats cheating too. You know first hand how porn can cause a lot of heartache in a marriage! A lot of men don't get it, but their wives do. It hurts! I'm so sorry!

The New Black

I didn't see any pictures of himself. But I could've missed them, as I didn't have time to go through every single text. I'm not even sure where/how he could've gotten the pictures that I did see. He's not very tech savvy (he always asks me to turn on the computer for him because he hasn't learned how), so I doubt he'd go seeking pics like that to send to someone. I assume someone else sent them to him and he's forwarding them along.

Even if he were sending another man pictures, I'd be very bothered by it. Do guys do that?

Thanks, CP. But truth is, no, I'm not sure he's texting a woman. The person is listed as "Jennifer" and he's mentioned her as his friend before. But who knows? She could be a guy.

Yep, it did, which is why I just had to look.

__________________
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"HIV is a complex mother. Trust me I've written multiple papers and even a rap song about it." Murrcat aka Turtles

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

iroc

I'm sorry. That sucks. I would need to remove myself from the emotional feelings I would have in that situation before I'd be able to discuss it rationally. Feelings that come from being mislead, and the distrust, and the fact that you had to find these yourself.

I do not believe that porn is cheating. That's like saying masturbation is cheating. But if other things are going on, or its excessive and other needs aren't being met, that's different.

Regardless of her sexual orientation, its something that makes you uncomfortable, and clearly he knows that he's doing something wrong or else he wouldn't be hiding it.

This particular instance I wouldn't think would be something to divorce over, but only you know what goes on intimately in your relationship. Good luck.

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Eilonwy

I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this, Phoenix.

To my knowledge, it's very common for guys to send each other porn photos.

I'm wondering if it would help to write down the questions you want answered, before talking to him about this. That might make it easier to keep the conversation on track.

geeky

I'm sorry you are going through this too.

Guys do send pornographic pictures to other guys (or possibly to lesbians, I guess). If he is forwarding pictures of random female genitals to someone, my gut feeling is he is not having an affair, but I could be wrong. But if you are very opposed to porn (especially given his history abusing it) then you are justified in being upset. I am generally OK with porn but spending hundreds on it while sexually neglecting your partner is not cool at all.

The not letting you near his phone would raise huge red flags for me.

I think you should take a little time to calm down and think about what your boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable are before you talk to him. That way you know where you stand. Then I think CGNYC gave good advice. talk to him, you need to know the truth about what is going on before you decide what to do. If he tries to blame you or denies it or tries to bullsh*t you, then that is telling you something about him too.

As for divorce or not, only you can decide. I think it may be helpful to talk to a counselor (on your own) in order to sort out your feelings and figure out what you want to do.

Again, I am sorry.

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The New Black

Thanks, everyone. Lots of food for thought here.

One other thing: he also sent her a text that said, "I love you more!" (Obviously, she'd said she loved him first and he replied.) AND he also sent a picture of three little animated candles with "I Heart You" written on them and his accompanying text was, "I love you times a bajillion. See that tops yours."

This sounds like a relationship to me, not just friends or phone-flirting, buddies random sexting each other, or even *just* a sexual relationship but a full-blown one.

__________________
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"HIV is a complex mother. Trust me I've written multiple papers and even a rap song about it." Murrcat aka Turtles

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

roseannadana

How awful! You have every reason to be mad. So sorry you have to deal with this.

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Eilonwy

nm, this isn't relevant anymore

goldy

I'm sorry you're going through this.

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