My teen is depressed, again

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 12:06 PM

I'm at a loss. Everything is a power play. He doesn't want to go to the movies or go to the water park or do anything for that matter. When he's at my house, he doesn't come out of his room. When he's at his dad's house he plays an online game with his best buddy. This best buddy is the only person he has any connection with at all! (Btw this is not some online dude. Its his real friend who has spent the majority of the last 8 years hanging out with my boys at their dad's house). We went around and around yesterday because I asked him to vacuum his room before his dad picked him up. A big big power play ensued. He ignored me for 3 hours and when his dad got here he went out to the car and said he would do it the next time he was here. Fortunately his dad had my back (this time) and he made him come back in the house and do it.

I've posted about this before but just a reminder he says if I make him go see a doctor he will just look at the floor and say absolutely nothing. He has no intentions of taking an anti-depressant. He is VERY stubborn.

Food is another big issue. He refuses to eat anything that isn't healthy and natural, but he also refuses to learn how to make anything for himself! He lives on Kashi. He will choose to not eat if its not something he approves of. Help!!!!!

He's 15. Desperate here.

Springcurl · 06-27-2012, 12:09 PM

he sounds pretty severely depressed. Make him go to the shrink (as I think people have said before) and eventually he'll talk.

Amathias · 06-27-2012, 12:35 PM

Maybe since the friend is the only one who can get to him why not see if there's anything he can tell you or a way he can talk to your son to at least get him to change his mind about seeing someone.

sleepymeko · 06-27-2012, 12:49 PM

Are you sure he's depressed?

When I was around that age I found my family annoying so I would camp out in my room and do my own thing. I also played some online games, but it was mainly something to do. I didn't want to go to waterparks or whatever either because I didn't want to do it with my family.

Why not suggest that he do something with just his friend? Drive them to the movie theater and leave them there?

I think disruptive behavior, ignoring a parents request, not spending any time with them is pretty normal behavior. A lot of teens I knew (myself included) would roll our eyes when our parents asked us to do something. I think it's kind of like challenging authority and discovering yourself. IDK?

I don't think I came around until I was twenty-one.

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 01:15 PM

I probably just did a bad thing. I went over to his dad's to bring him to my house and of course he said he didn't want to go. We had a brief discussion and I said "ok, how about you call me when you want to see me?" Then I left with some really hurt feelings. There was some door slamming involved.

Springcurl · 06-27-2012, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poisonivy

I probably just did a bad thing. I went over to his dad's to bring him to my house and of course he said he didn't want to go. We had a brief discussion and I said "ok, how about you call me when you want to see me?" Then I left with some really hurt feelings. There was some door slamming involved.

Why are you taking his depression personally? If it truly is depression than it's a medical condition. Would you take a broken arm personally?

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Springcurl

Quote:

Originally Posted by poisonivy

I probably just did a bad thing. I went over to his dad's to bring him to my house and of course he said he didn't want to go. We had a brief discussion and I said "ok, how about you call me when you want to see me?" Then I left with some really hurt feelings. There was some door slamming involved.

Why are you taking his depression personally? If it truly is depression than it's a medical condition. Would you take a broken arm personally?

Its just something in his demeanor. He's much taller than me and he looks down at me and talks with this authoritarian tone. Big chip on his shoulder. Soooo much like his dad. I suppose that accounts for my emotion.

I know emotion has no place in this sort of situation. I bend over backwards for my kids though, and I feel like I'm being spit at. It hurts, because he's perfectly happy when his friend is there. I feel like he hates me. And I have no idea how to help him.

*Marah* · 06-27-2012, 01:54 PM

Does his father say he's depressed when he's over there ? Because I really wonder if this boy is actually depressed or if he's just a typical teenager that thinks his mom is getting on his nerves with her nagging and what he perceives as going ballistic over nothing.

Because I really don't see anything in this thread that suggests he's actually depressed. Perhaps he just doesn't want to see movies or go to the water park. So what. A lot of teens like video games and would rather do that...rather than go outside and do things.

I also don't see the big deal in how he eats. If he likes all natural and healthy things.. good for him. I'd simply buy him natural and healthy foods. I'd even find cool nutrious meals I could make with his natural and healthy foods. Might help get him more engaged with you. A lot of parents would love the fact that their child (especially a teenager) is a healthy eater instead of being stuck on junk food.

I'm not minimizing your feelings but I think sometimes parents read way to much into less significant things that is typical teen behavior and not enough into actual IMPORTANT signs that point to real trouble.

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 02:18 PM

I'm not really a nagger. I do expect my kids to help me when I need help around the house though. But I'm not constantly saying hey do this, did you do it yet, did you do it yet, did you do it yet, lol. I ask very little of them as far as housework goes. But it wasn't about that, it was a power play.

Now he pretty much treats his dad the same way he treats me. He doesn't speak to him in the car or at home. He just puts off a bad vibe. And believe me his dad asks them to do NOTHING around the house. Maybe he's not depressed, but I sure was at his age.

juanab · 06-27-2012, 02:20 PM

I don't know the history, but his behavior doesn't seem like depression to me. It seems more like a typical teenager.

Their friends become more important than their parents. You (gy) are a royal pain in the butt, you (gy) don't know anything, etc. I have been there with my daughter who is now 20. Unfortunately, you may get your feelings hurt a few more times, but don't let him know that.

They tend to grow out of it.

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 02:25 PM

Should I make him go out and do things with the family he doesn't want to do? Like go to the movies etc.

damsel_fly · 06-27-2012, 02:32 PM

To me, his behaviour seems fairly normal for a teen. He is breaking the apron strings and wants his "space." He probably doesn't want to be coddled by mom.

If you think he needs to see a therapist, send him for a few sessions. Therapists are good at drawing out people, I think. But even if he doesn't say anything, at least you tried.

Maybe you could find a parents' group where you could get support. From talking to other parents, you may be able to gauge his behaviour.

luvmylocs · 06-27-2012, 02:37 PM

i might have missed something from before are you and his dad not together? is he the only child in his dads house? do you think you having other, younger children makes him them you're more "into" them than him? i know you posted recently about your other children having an illness. i'm just trying to piece together some more of the picture.

wild~hair · 06-27-2012, 02:53 PM

Sounds like typical teen behavior to me.

I would make sure he has food he likes, since he's just eating Kashi. Not eating much protein can actually worsen depression, if that is a concern. So I would try to work with him on that. It might be a common area you can connect on.

A wise woman once told me when kids get to be teenagers, they go away for a while. Some just for a short time, others for longer and in the meantime there is a stranger in their place. But eventually your kid will come back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by poisonivy

Should I make him go out and do things with the family he doesn't want to do? Like go to the movies etc.

I don't think you should. What I would do is help him make plans with his friend and offer to give rides, etc.

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 03:01 PM

I have been divorced from my teenagers dad for 10 years. The one in question has a full brother 15 months older than him. My current husband and I have 4 children. There is a 6 year gap. So 16 & 15 with my x, 9, 8, 5 & 2 with husband #2.

My x and I get along great and he has a very strong relationship with my 4 little ones.

Wiregirl · 06-27-2012, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poisonivy

Should I make him go out and do things with the family he doesn't want to do? Like go to the movies etc.

Since you asked...NO, just get off his back for a while, let him chill out, and get him sone good healthy food that he likes when he is at your house!

I don't think he sounds depressed at all!

Amathias · 06-27-2012, 03:53 PM

How is his relationship with your current husband?

It is true that teens do act out, but none of us know the whole story and we can't see how he acts. Feelings are going to be hurt. When we were all teens we hurt our parents feelings and they hurt ours. To what extent is the only issue.

I think maybe you should talk to a professional and see where you should go from there. All we can do is provide you with support but at the end of the day we are not licensed to give you correct advice. I hope you guys figure it out as a family. Maybe you, your ex and son can sit down and talk and comfort him. Maybe he's going through somethin he doesn't understand or can't handle alone and is scared. Good luck!

poisonivy · 06-27-2012, 04:01 PM

I know. I think I will leave him alone for a while. I'm just going to let him stay with his for a couple of weeks.

Springcurl · 06-27-2012, 04:03 PM

You said he's depressed again. And I remember your first post about his depression. Truthfully, I think you should trust your instincts. I don't think you should leave the situation alone, I think you should try to talk to a doctor or shrink. It would be horrible if he tried to harm himself.

ETA: Just a reminder of the last thread.

Depressed teen...

He may just be being a teenage jerk, but your first instinct was depression.

spiderlashes5000 · 06-27-2012, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Marah*

Does his father say he's depressed when he's over there ? Because I really wonder if this boy is actually depressed or if he's just a typical teenager that thinks his mom is getting on his nerves with her nagging and what he perceives as going ballistic over nothing.

Because I really don't see anything in this thread that suggests he's actually depressed. Perhaps he just doesn't want to see movies or go to the water park. So what. A lot of teens like video games and would rather do that...rather than go outside and do things.

I also don't see the big deal in how he eats. If he likes all natural and healthy things.. good for him. I'd simply buy him natural and healthy foods. I'd even find cool nutrious meals I could make with his natural and healthy foods. Might help get him more engaged with you. A lot of parents would love the fact that their child (especially a teenager) is a healthy eater instead of being stuck on junk food.

I'm not minimizing your feelings but I think sometimes parents read way to much into less significant things that is typical teen behavior and not enough into actual IMPORTANT signs that point to real trouble.

I would agree w all of this and conclude she's making too much of it except that he is being disrespectful when she asks him to do a chore and he refuses. I would draw the line there. Personally, I think your husband and his father need to get in his asz in a serious way the next time he is disrespectful to you. When that surge of testosterone hits (and it clearly has) some boys try to flex on their parents, esp their mother. And you gotta put your foot down (on his throat! LOL)