Is ok to be friends with exes

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Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
Here.

Most of my exes are from long term relationships. If my long term relationship ended, it ended badly. I stay in relationships until I've drained the life out of them. Afterwards there's nothing left but contempt.

I've stayed friends with guys I've 'dated', but only superficially.

I did stay friends with one guy I was with for a long time in high school. But I felt the relationship tended to be one sided and it wasn't worth the slight disrespect I felt it was towards my current bf to continue the friendship.

To the OP, if an ex of my boyfriend came up out of the blue and wanted them to be friends, yes, I'd take issue with that.

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Originally Posted by iroc
I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

I really don't have interest in being friends with them. Whatever we had, it was what it was and I feel like for me, I cannot move on if they're still hanging around me. I need to disconnect myself from that person.

I even go as far to delete all contact with them (including FB). I just don't want to SEE what it is they're doing. And I think I'm smart for doing this because so many of my friends get upset or feel weird when they see that their ex has found someone else. I don't go through that because I don't see it. Nor do I go looking for info on them.

All of this helps me to completely get over the person 100%, to the point when I am finally "fine" I don't see the point of being friends with them anyway.

The best way to describe how I feel about my exes is indifference. I have disconnected myself so much from them that I don't care what they do, who they're dating, nothing. And in a way it makes me feel empowered. Because all that time away has made me realize they weren't the best person for me and I'm better w/o them in my life.
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Last edited by sleepymeko; 07-03-2012 at 05:36 PM.
I can't be friends with exes. We broke up for a reason and once I'm done with someone, I'm DONE. I hate it when they come out of the woodwork to wish me a happy birthday, Merry Christmas or whatever... It's like they think they are making my day better and the reality of is they are pissing me off!!

Nope, no friends of exes for me. I don't want to know when they start dating someone else or anything like that. I'm not friends in real life or on facebook with exes.
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I'm really good friends with my x but we have 2 kids together. A lot of people think its weird but he is even super close to my 4 younger kids who are not his. My 9 year old spends a lot of entire weekends at his house! I know it's rare but it's definitely the rrbest thing when kids are involved.
I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

I really don't have interest in being friends with them.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

I really don't have interest in being friends with them.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I'm like this. Most of my relationships didn't end because of anger, but just because they were stagnant or we lost that kind of interest or didn't have the same life goals. I don't blame them or myself for that. Sometimes relationships don't work out for reasons other than someone doing something "wrong."

I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

I really don't have interest in being friends with them.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Nope. Because the friendship would be a reminder that this relationship was a failure. Also, I may still have romantic feelings for them so I still cut them off. Cutting them off is me getting over someone.

Like I said, I have plenty of friends. I don't need more. If the relationship was just the wrong timing, that's fine and everything but I still wouldn't keep in contact with you and it has happened before. Actually, I still get kind of pissed off because I wasted my valuable time with someone when either I or he knew it wasn't right.

I'm OK being friends with someone if I haven't invested anything in the relationship. But that isn't a relationship, we were just "seeing" each other. Going on a few dates and deciding this isn't going to work out is perfectly fine with me and I'm OK being friends with them. Since mainly, we were not in a relationship in the first place.

But if I was actually in a relationship with a guy and he randomly tells me this isn't the perf timing, I would be pissed off since he should've told me sooner. And yup, I still wouldn't be friends.
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Last edited by sleepymeko; 07-05-2012 at 03:17 PM.
I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

I really don't have interest in being friends with them.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000


Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.
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I'm the same way. When I am in a relationship, I give them my SOUL. I love them with every fiber of my being. If we broke up, it's because I feel like someone did something that I cannot forgive them for. Whether this is infidelity or I feel as though they have been disrespectful towards me. Either way, once I get to that point, I want absolutely nothing to do with the other person. I basically disappear off the face of the earth for years at a time.

I really don't have interest in being friends with them.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000


Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.
Originally Posted by iroc
I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000


Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.
Originally Posted by iroc
I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Rationally, yes. But matters of the heart are not rational. And once you have feelings for someone, (i'm talking a relationship, not just a couple of dates) somewhere those feelings are going to be there.

I think what you're proposing is a nice idea, but it kind of seems like playing with fire to me To 'trust yourself' that you are going to be trustworthy to your current partner, while you're doing things that continues establishing a relationship with someone you once loved.
Nope. Because the friendship would be a reminder that this relationship was a failure...Actually, I still get kind of pissed off because I wasted my valuable time with someone when either I or he knew it wasn't right.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
But would it realy be a failure or a waste of time if you got a great, lifelong friend out of the deal?

Who is to say, yrs later after the feelings have died down, etc., he wouldn't be the one to introduce you to your future spouse or something?

I get that you already have a lot of friends but it's kinda cool to be friends w/ someone who knows you...differently than your other friends know you. Not in a freaky way (LOL) but just that he might have some special insight into your personality that other people don't...esp in the area of dating.

Not trying to argue w/ you personally, just making conversation on the topic.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Nope. Because the friendship would be a reminder that this relationship was a failure...Actually, I still get kind of pissed off because I wasted my valuable time with someone when either I or he knew it wasn't right.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
But would it realy be a failure or a waste of time if you got a great, lifelong friend out of the deal?

Who is to say, yrs later after the feelings have died down, etc., he wouldn't be the one to introduce you to your future spouse or something?

I get that you already have a lot of friends but it's kinda cool to be friends w/ someone who knows you...differently than your other friends know you. Not in a freaky way (LOL) but just that he might have some special insight into your personality that other people don't...esp in the area of dating.

Not trying to argue w/ you personally, just making conversation on the topic.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I already have several great lifetime friends, I don't need more. And I do NOT like having males as friends. Every male friend I have ever had has tried to make a move on me. IMHO a man will sleep with you as long as you give him the "OK". Men think differently than women do and I think a 100% platonic friendship is impossible.

I do have male "friends" (more as acquaintances) but I never spend time with them. I spend my free time with my girlfriends.

Also, I am exactly the same person that I am in a relationship and with friends. There is no "different" person. If anything, I avoid men who I find myself behaving strangely or differently around because I know I'm not being myself. I don't like being set up either.

IDK. I think it works for some people but it's just not something I do. I have my girlfriends. If I have close male friends they are typically gay. I keep straight men at an arms length after from my past experiences, them one day getting too drunk and trying to makeout with me, etc. Did you know my first kiss was by a male friend?! Actually, most of my kisses have been by male friends who have made a move on me. I just don't like to keep them around too much.
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It might not be the norm but it's certainly possible to be platonic friends with a man. I've been divorced from my first husband for 25 years and we have been platonic friends for all that time.
And I don't consider any of my past relationships to be failures, so maybe that makes it easier for me to be friends with my exes, even when it didn't end easily.
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What if it wasn't a betrayal or disrespectful behavior? What if you just realized you wanted different things or were in pdifferent places in your respective lives? Could you (general you) be friends/friendly with them then?

I realize that maybe a hypothetical question for you bc people your age tend to mostly want the same things and be in similar places in their lives...but was asking more generally.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000


Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.
Originally Posted by iroc
I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
The thing with me is that I don't think I ever completely lose feelings for a person. I just can't. If I've loved you then there will always be a part of me that will. Whether I want to or not or whether it's good feelings or not. I can't just be that close to someone and then drop them completely, even years later. If my 2 exes ever seriously needed my help in the future I don't think I could say no, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't either.



Then that leaves it open to start back up again, or the chance of something happening together.

If I was still okay with this person, still though they were a good person, still found them attractive, what would stop me from maybe making a mistake again and getting involved with them? If feelings were there once, who's to say they couldn't be there again?

That to me is even more reason to not stay friends with an ex. Or why I wouldn't want a current boyfriend to be friends with their ex.
Originally Posted by iroc
I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
The thing with me is that I don't think I ever completely lose feelings for a person. I just can't. If I've loved you then there will always be a part of me that will. Whether I want to or not or whether it's good feelings or not. I can't just be that close to someone and then drop them completely, even years later. If my 2 exes ever seriously needed my help in the future I don't think I could say no, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't either.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Yeah, I stay fond of them but the sexual attraction goes away.

That is, once it's ~over~. Not necessarily once we break up.

Sometimes it's over before we break up. But sometimes we've long since broken up and it's still not over.

But once it's over it's gone and it ain't coming back! LOL
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I guess bc you would see their limitations/inappropriateness as a partner and also bc you would have moved onto someone else romantically and lost your feelings for the original person.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
The thing with me is that I don't think I ever completely lose feelings for a person. I just can't. If I've loved you then there will always be a part of me that will. Whether I want to or not or whether it's good feelings or not. I can't just be that close to someone and then drop them completely, even years later. If my 2 exes ever seriously needed my help in the future I don't think I could say no, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't either.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Yeah, I stay fond of them but the sexual attraction goes away.

That is, once it's ~over~. Not necessarily once we break up.

Sometimes it's over before we break up. But sometimes we've long since broken up and it's still not over.

But once it's over it's gone and it ain't coming back! LOL
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yea the sexual attraction with my first ex is definitely gone but the fondness is still an emotional connection that I find inappropriate to continue if I am in a relationship. And with me I suppose the sexual attraction could come back? I don't know and I don't want to know, lol!
Yeah, I stay fond of them but the sexual attraction goes away.

That is, once it's ~over~. Not necessarily once we break up.

Sometimes it's over before we break up. But sometimes we've long since broken up and it's still not over.

But once it's over it's gone and it ain't coming back! LOL
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Same here. I can't imagine having sex with (most) of my exes, so maybe that's why we're still friends.

Maybe it really is about how much you put into the relationship. I don't put much of myself into a relationship so I don't care much when it stops...I can also be friends with them down the road...hmm...

Yea the sexual attraction with my first ex is definitely gone but the fondness is still an emotional connection that I find inappropriate to continue if I am in a relationship. And with me I suppose the sexual attraction could come back? I don't know and I don't want to know, lol!
Originally Posted by Josephine
I see what you're all saying.

My first ex and I are still friendly, but we only see each other when we're both in the same town, and we're not dating anyone (read between the lines). We still have a connection and it's emotional, sexual, and will likely always be there - if I could ever imagine having a "soul mate," it would be him, and he's shared a similar sentiment. I put A LOT of myself into that relationship and I understand that it isn't something we can pursue unless our situations change dramatically, so I doubt we will ever be together in a traditional sense.

Yeah, I stay fond of them but the sexual attraction goes away.

That is, once it's ~over~. Not necessarily once we break up.

Sometimes it's over before we break up. But sometimes we've long since broken up and it's still not over.

But once it's over it's gone and it ain't coming back! LOL
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Same here. I can't imagine having sex with (most) of my exes, so maybe that's why we're still friends.

Maybe it really is about how much you put into the relationship. I don't put much of myself into a relationship so I don't care much when it stops...I can also be friends with them down the road...hmm...
Originally Posted by Munchy
I actually do put a lot into my relationships. But when it's time to call it quits, I know I did all I could do (and probably more). So I'm ready to move on.

For me, it's like when we make the decision to end things, I am clearly able to see all his flaws and all the reasons why he would not be a good match for me. The rose colored glasses come off, my prince is gone and I'm looking at a toad.

I can be friends w/ a toad but I don't wanna have sex w/ one. LOL
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Yea the sexual attraction with my first ex is definitely gone but the fondness is still an emotional connection that I find inappropriate to continue if I am in a relationship. And with me I suppose the sexual attraction could come back? I don't know and I don't want to know, lol!
Originally Posted by Josephine
I see what you're all saying.

My first ex and I are still friendly, but we only see each other when we're both in the same town, and we're not dating anyone (read between the lines). We still have a connection and it's emotional, sexual, and will likely always be there - if I could ever imagine having a "soul mate," it would be him, and he's shared a similar sentiment. I put A LOT of myself into that relationship and I understand that it isn't something we can pursue unless our situations change dramatically, so I doubt we will ever be together in a traditional sense.
Originally Posted by Munchy
Yea same with my ex except no sexual attraction. As spiderlashes mentioned before, the friendship has been nice(just talking on the phone) because he knew me the longest and closest and as I was growing up from late teens to late 20s. He told me a lot about myself that I didn't realize and helped me pick myself up after I my last relationship blew up in my face. And he was honest with me, told me when I was being unreasonable and when I shouldn't compromise. I never talked to him while I was dating my recent ex though.

I put all myself times 2 when I'm in a relationship, but I don't think I will and can next time. It's not worth the pain if it doesn't work out. And I know my last ex did not(which is probably why I never felt close to him and he didnt meet my expectations) so why should I? Plus I dont think i have the room or capacity to do that anymore. I think it's not perfect nor ideal in my eyes but it is what it is now.
I put all myself times 2 when I'm in a relationship, but I don't think I will and can next time. It's not worth the pain if it doesn't work out. And I know my last ex did not(which is probably why I never felt close to him and he didnt meet my expectations) so why should I? Plus I dont think i have the room or capacity to do that anymore. I think it's not perfect nor ideal in my eyes but it is what it is now.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Yeah, I date for fun. I have no intention of being in a real relationship with a purpose. I just want to go out to eat, have someone to bring with me when I'm invited somewhere, and share physical intimacy. I don't need a lot of phone calls and texts, and I want to be free to do whatever I want - just like they are with me.

I'm always upfront with my desires, and I've had hurt and angry men in the end. For the past five guys I've dated, I could say how casual we were until I was blue in the face, but it still ended up dramatic on their end.

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