Go Back   CurlTalk > Life > Non-hair discussion

Like Tree19Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-02-2012, 05:49 PM   #1
 
anagray's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 12
Default Is ok to be friends with exes

Curious to know your opinion on your significant other establishing a friendship with their ex after the fact that the two of you have been together for a year? Is it ok? Not ok? Would you be wary?
anagray is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 06:11 PM   #2
 
NaeShelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 49
Default

Eh. I've always had the position that, if we're in a relationship, we were in it because we were great friends - at least, I don't find myself in a relationship if the other person and I weren't great friends first.
That being said, if we were such great friends (or friends period) and dating didn't work out, it's OK. Because, we were friends first, meaning we can be friends again.
Of course, it's not going to be easy just jumping back into a friendship; in a relationship, there are obviously different feelings than there were when you two were dating.
Still, I'd be OK with it. If we were good friends in the first place, our relationship (platonic or otherwise) should be able to withstand the trials (and, in this case, ultimate dismantlement) of a romantic relationship.

Then again, I don't find myself in too many relationships because of the above "friend" reason. So, maybe I'm not the best fount of knowledge...

*And please note that this is coming from a teenager. So, as much "relationship" experience as I could have possibly had in my lifetime. Still, I think mine is a view point one could have at nearly any age...
__________________
December 21, 2011 - Last Relaxer
April 1, 2012 - Transitioning Began
March 30, 2013 - Big Chopped

High Density. Medium-Low Porosity. Kinky. Shoulder Length.

*Excuse my Texas.
NaeShelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 06:12 PM   #3
 
sleepymeko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,001
Default

Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.
__________________
Check out my personal blog




sleepymeko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 07:50 PM   #4
 
geeky's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 10,191
Default

It depends.

If one of the exes is still carrying a torch for the other, then it is not OK. If one of the exes is trying to pull some shady stuff and undermine the current relationship, not OK.

Otherwise, why not.
__________________
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
geeky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 08:01 PM   #5
 
Fifi.G's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 7,278
Default

I agree with Geeky. If we mutually have no romantic feelings toward each other, I'm 200% fine with it. If I still have feelings for him, or vice versa, it's a huge no.

Worn out iPhone. Need I say more?
__________________
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

Fifi.G is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 08:46 PM   #6
 
rouquinne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 17,487
Send a message via ICQ to rouquinne Send a message via MSN to rouquinne
Default

if children are involved - yes. i've heard it helps.

otherwise, no.

i am NOT friends with any ex.

and i say this because i saw one of my best friends remain friends with an ex of hers in the hopes that he'd "come around".

eventually... he did.

unfortunately, she was living with someone else at the time. when The Ex "declared himself" the day after xmas 2010, she went home and threw her live-in boyfriend out, even though they had a great and stable relationship. and The Ex had broken my friend's heart TWICE before, by dumping her at the slightest provocation.

my friend and The Ex are now married, but another person was badly hurt in the process. i will never think the same of her again because of that.

so ... no, it's NOT okay to be friends with an Ex. to move forward with your life, you have to be free of all encumbrances.
sleepymeko likes this.
__________________
My blog:

http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

Little Mother of all the Roaches, President-for-Life of the MAC Harlots!
rouquinne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 08:49 PM   #7
SCG
 
SCG's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,109
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepymeko View Post
Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.
Yeah, that's generally where I fall on this topic, as well...
__________________

"And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance
But you are not alone in this"

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” - Tina Fey
SCG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 10:11 PM   #8
 
spiderlashes5000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 19,332
Default

I'm friends w several of my exes. Why not?

If the current SO objected, I would tone down the friendship, out of respect. But I would still have friendly feelings toward the ex, even if we didn't still hang out or talk much.

I don't understand the problem...
__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

spiderlashes5000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2012, 10:15 PM   #9
 
spiderlashes5000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 19,332
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rouquinne View Post
if children are involved - yes. i've heard it helps.

otherwise, no.

i am NOT friends with any ex.

and i say this because i saw one of my best friends remain friends with an ex of hers in the hopes that he'd "come around".

eventually... he did.

unfortunately, she was living with someone else at the time. when The Ex "declared himself" the day after xmas 2010, she went home and threw her live-in boyfriend out, even though they had a great and stable relationship. and The Ex had broken my friend's heart TWICE before, by dumping her at the slightest provocation.

my friend and The Ex are now married, but another person was badly hurt in the process. i will never think the same of her again because of that.

so ... no, it's NOT okay to be friends with an Ex. to move forward with your life, you have to be free of all encumbrances.
Based on this one bizarre incident??

But people get dumped all the time, ex or no ex.
__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

spiderlashes5000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 01:06 AM   #10
 
kimmidawn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 884
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
I'm friends w several of my exes. Why not?

If the current SO objected, I would tone down the friendship, out of respect. But I would still have friendly feelings toward the ex, even if we didn't still hang out or talk much.
I'm of this frame of mind as well. My best guy friend, L, is a guy I dated for six months way back when and the guy I dated after him, E, wasn't completely comfortable with us being friends (he was of the mind exes should not be friends), so I cut back on how often and how much L and I talked (L lived a few states away so when E wanted to talk to him on the phone, I was more than happy to put them on the phone and they talked for a few minutes), but I would not have completely cut L out of my life.

The way I think, I would have no problem compromising for a significant other, but I would not give up a friend for a significant other (assuming there's no disrespectfulness going on).
__________________
2b, fine texture, normal porosity & elasticity (CG as of 12/2011)

Low-poo: UFD Rich & Funky
Cowash: VO5 Kiwi Lime
RO: Tresemme Naturals, Aubrey Organics GPB, Ion Effective Care, MillCreek Keratin
PT/DT: IAgirl's PT, GVP CB
LI: KCKT, Cure Care, CJ CCCC Lite
Styling: Curl Keeper, As I Am Jelly, UFD Curly Magic, CJ Curl Queen, TIGI Strong Hold Mousse


http://public.fotki.com/kdawn12/


^^ day 1 of going CG; avatar = 6 months later
kimmidawn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 07:09 AM   #11
 
rouquinne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 17,487
Send a message via ICQ to rouquinne Send a message via MSN to rouquinne
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
Based on this one bizarre incident??
not just this one time - i`ve seen it happen before, with men as well as women. this just happens to be the most extreme example i`ve recently had experience with...
__________________
My blog:

http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

Little Mother of all the Roaches, President-for-Life of the MAC Harlots!
rouquinne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 07:23 AM   #12
 
LadyV69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,442
Default

In general, it hasn't been possible for me to remain friends with most of my exes. One or both of you often still have residual feelings and it's hard to dial a relationship back after you've been intimate. Hanging on to someone like that can keep you from moving on. Recently, I was friends with one of my exes (although not particularly close), but a few months ago, I ended up hiding him from my news feed on FB as I found him extremely annoying. I realized he probably always was that way but I willfully ignored it until I was able to get enough distance from the relationship.
sleepymeko likes this.
__________________
Fine haired, low density, highly porous curly kinky lady
Last relaxer: Not sure. 3/08 or 4/08
BC'd: 9/18/09
Co-wash: Suave Naturals, HEHH, Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle, CJ Daily Fix
Leave-In: KCKT, Giovanni Direct Leave-In, CJ Smoothing Lotion
Stylers: ORS Twist and Loc Gel, KCCC, Ecostyler, SheaMoisture Deep Treatment Masque
Deep Conditioner: DevaCurl Heaven In Hair, CJ Deep Fix

http://confessionsofladyv69.wordpress.com/
LadyV69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 08:37 AM   #13
 
Munchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 6,850
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
I'm friends w several of my exes. Why not?

If the current SO objected, I would tone down the friendship, out of respect. But I would still have friendly feelings toward the ex, even if we didn't still hang out or talk much.

I don't understand the problem...
Me too. There are very few exes I have that I'm not friends with anymore. I actually think there is only one that I wouldn't be friends with because I never liked him as a friend in the first place, we just fell into a relationship.
__________________

Munchy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 09:01 AM   #14
 
Josephine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 16,553
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SCG View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepymeko View Post
Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.
Yeah, that's generally where I fall on this topic, as well...
Same here. I guess if I wasn't totally in love about to marry the guy and we were just dating I could see myself being friends. But I only date seriously and have two exes. I'm kind of friends with one ex and it's odd but I keep in touch since we both deeply love and care for each other. It would get weird if we lived in the same city and actually saw each other. I haven't seen him since we broke up. My last ex, still working on getting rid of him completely. I'm bad at breakups.
Josephine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 09:16 AM   #15
Nej
 
Nej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,107
Default

I stay in touch with exes but as long as there are feelings you can never be friends in the true sense of the word.

Once I meet someone else I think it's best to cut ties out of respect Unless its a truly platonic friendship.


Eta: I have zero contact with the ex I was going to marry. The only ones I am friendly with now are the ones where the transition from lover to friend was easy.



Sent from my iPhone - blame autocorrect for everything strange
__________________
Nej is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 09:25 AM   #16
 
iroc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,371
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepymeko View Post
Why would I want to be friends with my exes?

I like to keep the past in the past. I have tons of friends, I don't need friends that used to be my lover. I am civil to them, but that's where it ends. I have no desire to be anything but an acquaintance after our relationship is over.
Here.

Most of my exes are from long term relationships. If my long term relationship ended, it ended badly. I stay in relationships until I've drained the life out of them. Afterwards there's nothing left but contempt.

I've stayed friends with guys I've 'dated', but only superficially.

I did stay friends with one guy I was with for a long time in high school. But I felt the relationship tended to be one sided and it wasn't worth the slight disrespect I felt it was towards my current bf to continue the friendship.

To the OP, if an ex of my boyfriend came up out of the blue and wanted them to be friends, yes, I'd take issue with that.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I997 using CurlTalk App
sleepymeko likes this.
__________________
iroc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 10:45 AM   #17
 
jeepcurlygurl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 14,681
Default

I am friends with 3 exes (I was with them 10+ years each). I have drinks with ex#1 when he comes to town and we email every few weeks. I see ex#2 occasionally and we text or talk on the phone every few months. I see or talk/text/email ex#3 a couple times a week. He is my best friend.
I can't see myself giving up my friendships for any reason, so any current boyfriends are told of them and have to choose how they deal with it.
__________________
In Western PA
Found NC in 2004. CG since 2-05, going grey since 9-05. 3B with some 3A.
Hair texture-medium/fine, porosity-normal, elasticity-normal.
Suave & VO5 cond, LA Looks Sport Gel, Ojon Restorative Treatment, oils, honey, vinegar.
http://public.fotki.com/jeepcurlygurl/ password jeepy **updated Feb 2014**
https://www.facebook.com/lifetheuniverseandtodd
jeepcurlygurl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 11:46 AM   #18
 
LAwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,945
Default

I feel amicably towards all of my exes (except the most recent one) and am even "Friends" with a few of them on Facebook.

But "friends" in the sense of calling, texting, getting together every so often- NO! Definitely not.

However that's my stance on the matter. To each her own!
LAwoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 11:58 AM   #19
 
iroc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,371
Default

I'm also against friends with exes in Facebook. Why is it necessary to keep tabs on someone you used to have sex with? (Unless you're actually hang-out-with type friends)

But I think Facebook is the devil anyway. ;p

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I997 using CurlTalk App
Josephine and sleepymeko like this.
__________________
iroc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2012, 03:55 PM   #20
 
Trenell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 5,295
Default

I have no problem with it. Even after my boyfriend left me (and wound up marrying) this chick I knew had a crush on him. (They were not exes, though. Still wouldn't matter)

The was I look at it (now), if he wants to be with me, he'll be with me.

I'm facebook friends with my first BF. Haven't seen him since college. I've only had three other actual boyfriends and I'm not friend with them, I don't count the men I just dated and/or slept with. I'm still friends with most of them.
__________________


Blog
Trenell is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Trending Topics[-]hide

Thread Tools
Display Modes



Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:31 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com