To call or not to call? - Page 6

spiderlashes5000 · 07-20-2012, 10:54 AM

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Originally Posted by LadyV69

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Originally Posted by Amneris

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Originally Posted by LadyV69

IDK, I just thought it was weird because I've never been asked that before. It would have been easier for me if he'd asked, "What do your friends say about you?" but then, they'd be too biased.

ETA: I'm also wondering why he'd care what other men could possibly think about me. I'm not with any of them anymore, what would it matter?

Asking about current friends is less interesting or revealing than asking about exes. With exes, you can learn about why a person believes their relationships ended and therefore what they do and don't want in a relationship, how they handle difference and conflict, how they shake off adversity etc. Friendships may or may not involve that. Asking about exes, you are more likely to find out if a person is vindictive, or self-centred, or thinks they can do no wrong, or can't move on, or if they are forgiving, mature able to see their own faults, able to laugh at themself, etc.

So... what did you say when he asked that?

I was extremely flustered and had no idea how to answer the question. I just stated that they'd consider me quiet and intense. I didn't want to say anything too negative since he might get turned off or too positive because they it would be unbelievable or it might have come off like I have an overinflated ego. I have no idea how to answer this should somebody else ask in the future.

I guess how you answer will depend on what really happened in those relationships and how you actually were...and how honest you want to be.

But I think one useful piece of advice is to keep it LIGHT on the first date, esp when talking about this stuff.

"Intense" may not have been the best thing to say. I read a lot of men's online dating profiles and just about all of them say, "she should be easy going, fun and not sweat the small stuff."

Men don't want "intense" in a relationship.

And don't ever you are still bitter or sad about a previous relationship or that you generally don't trust men. Baggage!

Saria · 07-20-2012, 11:00 AM

^But all of that is just ridiculous arbitrary rules that somehow women are supposed to follow. Men don't have nearly so many rules to think about so they don't come off the wrong way.
If someone asks me a question about myself, more times than not, the simple truth will come out of my mouth. If you don't like it, too bad, now keep it moving. I'm not going to give some stock answer so as not to scare him off. A man is no more of a prize than I am.

Josephine · 07-20-2012, 11:05 AM

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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

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Originally Posted by Josephine

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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

I think it probably happens more w/ folks on dating sites and other "contrived" ways of mtg people bc you are suddenly in a conversation or on a date w/ someone you don't know at all. You want to figure out as quickly as possible if the other person is "undatable."

Possibly, but in her case they met in person first. Either way this is one of the reasons dating sites and similar methods of meeting people are last resorts for me.

No, I believe they met on a singles cruise...which I would include in the "contrived ways of meeting' category.

The unspoken belief oftentimes is that some people go these dating activities bc they can't find someone IRL. Maybe there is something wrong w/ him/her? Or is she just a serial dater? Etc.

Personally, I don't dislike those questions at all...so they are not necesarily a turn off to me.

I don't mind questions at all either, the guy im sorta seeing now, I've talked to him a lot about why he got divorced. He hasn't asked me many questions though. I've never had anyone ask what my ex would say about me though, that just seems strange for some reason.

spiderlashes5000 · 07-20-2012, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saria

^But all of that is just ridiculous arbitrary rules that somehow women are supposed to follow. Men don't have nearly so many rules to think about so they don't come off the wrong way.
If someone asks me a question about myself, more times than not, the simple truth will come out of my mouth. If you don't like it, too bad, now keep it moving. I'm not going to give some stock answer so as not to scare him off. A man is no more of a prize than I am.

Personally, I think it's just common sense. You don't hit people over the head w/ all kinds of heavy, negative info when you first met them or reveal all sorts of deeply personal things to a practical stranger.

And it's TOTALLY not just about women.

Haha, I recently went out w/ a guy and on the second date he told me that he had this huge paternity issue where a woman who had been dating his close friend got pregnant and named him (guy I was on a date with) as the baby's father...and he admitted for several months he did not know if he was or wasn't the father bc yes, they had screwed once or twice when she and his friend weren't speaking. But then the court-ordered test revealed that he wasn't...blahblah

And frankly, I was appalled and turned off but glad he didn't have common sense enough to try to conceal this bc now I knew how trifling he was!

eta - we all have skeletons but why disclose all of them during the first couple of conversations before the other person has had a chance to see your good qualities? It's just asking them to make a negative snap judgment that could kill things before they start.

B-wavy · 07-20-2012, 11:45 AM

I don't think saying you're quiet and intense qualifies as heavy, negative or deeply personal OR as a skeleton. It's a statement of fact.....said the person who is also generally quiet and intense and always got bashed for it. Those aren't "negative" qualities. They simply are who she is, and there's nothing wrong with that. If he's not into quiet and intense, she just saved herself a lot of time.

rouquinne · 07-20-2012, 11:54 AM

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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Personally, I think it's just common sense. You don't hit people over the head w/ all kinds of heavy, negative info when you first met them or reveal all sorts of deeply personal things to a practical stranger.

sometimes you're really glad they do, though. like the example you gave.

the last date i went on, he almost IMMEDIATELY told me he was in the middle of bankruptcy proceedings. and yes, it was a total turn-off and it was one of the two reasons there was no second date. the other being that he talked AT me for the entire time.

LAwoman · 07-20-2012, 12:36 PM

I have to be honest and say that if a guy described himself as "intense" on the first date, there would not likely be a second.

Intense, in my mind, equates to drama.

But that's just me.

B-wavy · 07-20-2012, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LAwoman

I have to be honest and say that if a guy described himself as "intense" on the first date, there would not likely be a second.

Intense, in my mind, equates to drama.

But that's just me.

I'm thinking some of this may have to do with the Introvert / Extravert thing. I'm an Introvert (and I believe LadyV is as well), and when I was younger, I was constantly being told by guys "You're really intense" and "You're really deep" - and most definitely not in a complimentary sense. It was a real hit to my self-esteem since those qualities are a huge part of who I am at my essence. Over the years, things evened out and I was able to teach myself to become more extraverted in social settings.

So if someone described themselves to me as being quiet and intense, I'd think "Cool!" I definitely wouldn't think "drama". But I do understand how someone else could have a different reaction. I'm with Saria though - if someone asks me a question, I'll simply tell the truth. It's so much....simpler.

spiderlashes5000 · 07-20-2012, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LAwoman

I have to be honest and say that if a guy described himself as "intense" on the first date, there would not likely be a second.

Intense, in my mind, equates to drama.

But that's just me.

My last bf was "intense." I mean, he just was. I didn't really assign any judgment to it at first but every time I described him to my gfs that way, they told me to run.

I agree; intense just doesn't have a good connotation.

But if someone feels she must disclose this, there are plenty of less "loaded" synonyms. Maybe cerebral, analytical, serious-minded, driven...or whatever depending on the exact meaning intended.

multicultcurly · 07-20-2012, 01:59 PM

Intense isn't a bad quality. Usually if someone is intense, I can tell right away. Like other qualities not everyone is attracted to intense. Being honest about who you are is much different than talking about being arrested, owing back child support or what other skeletons might be in someone's closet.

And I prefer calls, especially if we've met in person and he initiated the date.

LadyV69 · 07-20-2012, 02:01 PM

Well, I did answer the guy truthfully. If that's going to scare all other guys off, then I may as well never date again because I'm not about to change. I've tried to in the past and I wasn't comfortable or happy. I'm done trying to fit into some damn box.

Nej · 07-20-2012, 02:16 PM

If he can't handle who you are at your core and vice versa it will never be a relationship that makes you happy.

All those "rules" are silly. I can be an intense person but I want someone who enjoys that side of me not tries to keep my and my opinions in my place. It takes awhile to get to know someone and there are always boundaries when meeting new people but I wouldn't keep integral parts of who I am hidden when making friends so why would I when meeting potential romantic partners?

Rant over.

I've been told by well meaning people to not be so silly or opinionated when meeting new people. It's who I am y'all and I am willing to wait for someone who sees that and thinks its fantastic.

Sent from my iPhone - blame autocorrect for everything strange

spiderlashes5000 · 07-20-2012, 02:28 PM

I think there are just better ways and worse ways to say the same thing.

And that there are certain details better left unsaid until a general comfort level has been established.

Like in the above example I gave of my date telling me that he had possibly impregnated his roommate's girfriend 20 yrs earlier might have no bearing on what kind of man he is today. But the fact he revealed it so soon into our "relationship" unnecessarily inflated its importance and as I knew little else about him, I didn't have much w/ which to counteract that negative first impression.

Nej · 07-20-2012, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

I think there are just better ways and worse ways to say the same thing.

And that there are certain details better left unsaid until a general comfort level has been established.

Like in the above example I gave of my date telling me that he had possibly impregnated his roommate's girfriend 20 yrs earlier might have no bearing on what kind of man he is today. But the fact he revealed it so soon into our "relationship" unnecessarily inflated its importance and as I knew little else about him, I didn't have much w/ which to counteract that negative first impression.

I think that had more to do with him having bad boundaries than having to hide parts of who he is.

I'm probably not going to go into detail about my medical issues until later but I'm certainly not going to hide my sense of humor or pretend I don't think certain things.

Sent from my iPhone - blame autocorrect for everything strange

Saria · 07-20-2012, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by B-wavy

Quote:

Originally Posted by LAwoman

I have to be honest and say that if a guy described himself as "intense" on the first date, there would not likely be a second.

Intense, in my mind, equates to drama.

But that's just me.

I'm thinking some of this may have to do with the Introvert / Extravert thing. I'm an Introvert (and I believe LadyV is as well), and when I was younger, I was constantly being told by guys "You're really intense" and "You're really deep" - and most definitely not in a complimentary sense. It was a real hit to my self-esteem since those qualities are a huge part of who I am at my essence. Over the years, things evened out and I was able to teach myself to become more extraverted in social settings.

So if someone described themselves to me as being quiet and intense, I'd think "Cool!" I definitely wouldn't think "drama". But I do understand how someone else could have a different reaction. I'm with Saria though - if someone asks me a question, I'll simply tell the truth. It's so much....simpler.

Yup, and this is exactly what is meant by introversion generally being treated as a problem versus extroversion which is prized.

cailin · 07-20-2012, 07:01 PM

On an episode of the "new adventures of old chirstine" a man said to Christine (as a compliment) "You're always you. Even when maybe you shouldn't be" I identified with that a lot. I can't help being me. I can't help the cracking wise or weird (to some) observations that come tumbling out of my mouth. It's who I am.

After one of my impromptu office dance breaks one of my coworkers looked at me and said "you're one of a kind. I didn't know people like you existed....I'm so glad we met" Best.compliment.ever.

scrills · 07-21-2012, 07:36 AM

ITA with SpiderLashes. We can say what we want, but at the end of the day there are some rules and guidelines when it comes to dating. Some are very stupid or annoying but they exist. They exist for men. They exist for woman. Not liking them is not going to make them go away.

Yes, if they don't like you for who you are, its not going to work out bur I think a lot of this falls under you never get a second change to make a first impression.

But, I'm an extrovert and love meeting people. The things people reveal me to are very revealing, LOL

LadyV, i didn't make it. I'm in DC but I may be in Nyc either today or in two weeks, LOL (I know, i need to get my life together). One of these days we will meet :-)

LadyV69 · 07-21-2012, 10:21 AM

^Cool. PM me when you know for sure.

scrills · 07-21-2012, 09:24 PM

Im here. Its a short visit so Im only here until Sunday afternoon. I just sent you a pm

Sent from my SPH-D710 using CurlTalk App

Amneris · 07-22-2012, 01:05 AM

I think ladyv's answer was OK.

I think I fall between the two points argued. Yes, I think you should be yourself/be honest when dating, but I also agree that there are some rules and having to somewhat censor yourself in the beginning isn't a bad thing, and isn't being dishonest.

I also don't think "intense" = introvert and I don't think it = "bad." I would describe myself that way and I am extremely extroverted. Maybe it's how I define "intense" - I define it as driven/passionate/committed to a particular thing or things/emotional etc. and I don't have a problem with that. There are people who like to be approach life in a more relaxed or laissez-faire fashion, and that's not a bad thing either, and they may or may not complement an "intense" person. My husband is certainly of that variety and we balance each other - two intense people would in my view be too much, but it all depends on the people.

I also think sometimes in dating people overthink or second-guess things too much, which is the sense I'm getting here - maybe that's being too "intense" about dating, LOL! A first date doesn't have to be a perfectly sublime smoothly orchestrated evening with Prince Charming for there to be a future. To me, it's like round 1 of a job interview - is there enough potential there to continue to explore it, and are there any obvious red flags? If not, on to round 2 - there's no commitment and you can still pull the plug. If the worst thing this guy did is send an excited late text and ask about exes and he seems otherwise attractive and nice, what's to lose in going out again?