Overly-macho fathers. What to do?

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Dad sounds like he's repressing his own homosexuality to me. Is he very religious by any chance?
Blood relative or not, it isn't your place to tell a parent how to treat their child. If you do decide to talk to the father then prepare to be told off.


My father is overly macho and he also has a bit of the little man syndrome (5'4). He used to tell my siblings and I that if any one of us was gay he'd kill us...he meant it. Over the years I've learned that my father is a very insecure and often ignorant man. Unfortunately for me he is mostly set in his ways.
Blood relative or not, it isn't your place to tell a parent how to treat their child. If you do decide to talk to the father then prepare to be told off.


My father is overly macho and he also has a bit of the little man syndrome (5'4). He used to tell my siblings and I that if any one of us was gay he'd kill us...he meant it. Over the years I've learned that my father is a very insecure and often ignorant man. Unfortunately for me he is mostly set in his ways.
Originally Posted by Parissy198907
This isn't geared towards you, but a lot of people say this. And to an extent I agree. But where do we draw the line? Abuse? What constitutes abuse? To me, calling a child a sissy is abusive.

I tend to be upfront about my feelings or perceptions, and I haven't been told off yet *knock on wood* but I often wonder where that line is.
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^^^If a child is in imminent danger, that's different.
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^^^If a child is in imminent danger, that's different.
Originally Posted by The New Black
I think we all agree on that. If a child is being physically or sexually abused or is being neglected I think (hope? Penn State?) we all know to intervene.

But what about emotional or verbal abuse? Do people feel comfortable intervening? Should one say something? What's the proper way to handle that?
3c/4a
[QUOTE=Po;1999309]

This isn't geared towards you, but a lot of people say this. And to an extent I agree. But where do we draw the line? Abuse? What constitutes abuse? To me, calling a child a sissy is abusive.

I tend to be upfront about my feelings or perceptions, and I haven't been told off yet *knock on wood* but I often wonder where that line is.[/

Good question. I think emotional abuse is hard to prove, especially in young children. For me it would be one of those I know it when I see it scenarios. While I think calling a child a sissy is damaging I can't say for sure if it falls into the abuse category. Tone, context, and past exchanges with the parents all need to be taken into account and since, from the outside in, that is incredibly hard to do, talking with the child as a neutral party about their feelings and what goes on at home is the best way to gauge the situation before slapping an abuse label on it.
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^^ good point about pink originally being the color for boys.

I would say something, but that's who I am and I have a "knack" for saying it in non-attacking way.

but I've also said something to a perfect strange. Some guy was in Target telling his son no to the "girl toys". I jokingly asked him why he was pushing gender stereotypes on his son. It was very non-confortational. We joked and went on out merry way

Yeah. I get that it isn't your child yadda yadda yadda, but I come from the mindset that it takes a village to raise a child. People get too sensative these days (and yes, I don't have kids). I am quick to lightly discipline a child when they are in my house and then ask their mom if it's ok. It just comes out before I can even help myself. but then again, I am also fun auntie Scrills, so if they are doing something wrong it has to be big for me to speak up.
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This is a hard one and I really can't tell you what to do here. I would just stick up for my own belief system in front of the boys and try not to argue with the dad about how he's raising them. You're most likely not going to change his mind about how he's raising them, but standing up for what you believe in isn't wrong and shouldn't be a problem.

I used to really think my family would flip wigs if someone in our family announced they were gay. They would still probably counsel and try to change our minds because my family is deeply religious and believes that it is a lifestyle choice. But...in the past couple years, I've seen a lot more open minded natures coming out in my family. They're a lot more apt to discuss than argue and a lot more accepting of everything to do with things that are "outside the realm of normal." I never thought that would happen and it seemed to happen first simply by me standing up for my own belief's and making them think more and causing more discussion within the family.

All the males in my immediate family are hyper-masculine, though not what I would call overly-macho. We also suffer from an over-abundance of stubbornness in our family. That led to a lot of stubborn belief systems and seriously outdated thought processes that I'm still fighting. Recently, they've all realized how much their stubbornness has stunted family closeness and have started to relax how stoic they thought they needed to be and relaxed into a much softer, accepting unit overall. And it seemed to happen all at the same time. It's amazing the difference...so it can happen, but it takes the realization in themselves and sometimes the realization at how much they're damaging their family to make that change. Sadly.
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I actually have the reverse situation. My nephew's dad says he forbids his son from playing any sports. his dad has admitted to being bicurious adn would love a gay son; he feels they would have more in common . I have bought my nephew saints attire and say all the time he is a saints fan for life. I also call him my little linebacker. His dad laughs and says, "my son will never play football. i rather see him on american idol." i respond back with, "oh so he can sell his soul adn then spit out when they are done with him?" My nephew's godfather also buys him sports stuff and we joke that we will teach him the to be a sports fanatic just to piss his dad off.

I know my nephew's dad will love him no matter what. But if he decides to play sports, there is no guarantee he will support him. I just know he will have his auntie and godfather there for him.
I actually have the reverse situation. My nephew's dad says he forbids his son from playing any sports. his dad has admitted to being bicurious adn would love a gay son; he feels they would have more in common . I have bought my nephew saints attire and say all the time he is a saints fan for life. I also call him my little linebacker. His dad laughs and says, "my son will never play football. i rather see him on american idol." i respond back with, "oh so he can sell his soul adn then spit out when they are done with him?" My nephew's godfather also buys him sports stuff and we joke that we will teach him the to be a sports fanatic just to piss his dad off.

I know my nephew's dad will love him no matter what. But if he decides to play sports, there is no guarantee he will support him. I just know he will have his auntie and godfather there for him.
Originally Posted by thelio
I actually have the reverse situation. My nephew's dad says he forbids his son from playing any sports. his dad has admitted to being bicurious adn would love a gay son; he feels they would have more in common . I have bought my nephew saints attire and say all the time he is a saints fan for life. I also call him my little linebacker. His dad laughs and says, "my son will never play football. i rather see him on american idol." i respond back with, "oh so he can sell his soul adn then spit out when they are done with him?" My nephew's godfather also buys him sports stuff and we joke that we will teach him the to be a sports fanatic just to piss his dad off.

I know my nephew's dad will love him no matter what. But if he decides to play sports, there is no guarantee he will support him. I just know he will have his auntie and godfather there for him.
Originally Posted by thelio
Originally Posted by scrills
I know.
I don't think about my children having sex.

It's strange to me that people put so much thought into their kids' furture sex lives, sexual orientations, sex partners...and apparently, singing careers.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I have two little boys I am very close to (baby and a 3-year-old.)

From day one, their dad has always said things like, "If he turns-out to be gay, you'll find me hanging in garage" and actually was "calculating" the chances of the kids being gay (by how many gay family members each has...like there's a formula?)

The older boy plays with a lot of things he considers "girly", and says that his favorite color is pink. This REALLY upsets the dad. I was playing with little animals with him and the little boy suddenly started taking dresses off of all of the one that were wearing dresses because he wasn't allowed to play with dolls that wear dresses. He told me his favorite color is pink, but that he's not allowed to say that.

The father is already saying he's a "sissy". The other day, the dad commented that, "I'm going to have one football players and one baton twirler."

I'm also not to expose them to showtunes in anyway (my dad was a HUGE Broadway fan and a masculine man, so I don't get why the two are mutually exclusive?)

Are a lot of dads like this? I've never seen one so blatant about it. He's not even kidding. He really think the worst thing in the entire world would be to have a gay son (and not even because it would mean the boy's life would be harder.)

Do I bother really standing-up to this guy (it doesn't seem like his wife does much) or is my job to just be as supportive as possible for the kids?

I'm upset about this...I don't want the kids to have a lifetime of not pleasing their father and feeling good enough.
Originally Posted by CanItBeChristine
How often do you see these kids, do you nanny for them or just babysit? Not that it matters to the rest of my reply, but I am curious.

I don't know that the dad is covering up for his own sexuality or whatever, but I think a lot of men these days feel as though they are demasculinized at every turn, and some men have a hard time with this. He probably wants his boys to grow up and be more of the stereotypical man; likes sports, drinks beer, lvoes football, etc.

Are a lot of dads like this?
I dont' think so. You can't base this one man's actions and apply it to every other father out there.

Do I bother really standing-up to this guy (it doesn't seem like his wife does much) or is my job to just be as supportive as possible for the kids?
Honestly, it's not your place. Granted if the children were being beaten because they like pink, then that may be different. You can't stand up to every parent you disagree with because you know that it's not good for the kids. It doesn't matter if his wife is standing up to him or not either, it's not your marriage. For all you know, she says things when you aren't around and they have HUGE fights over it.
Personally, I would be incredibly offended if someone who watches my children proceeded to tell me how horrible my husband is...chances are she all ready KNOWS that he says this junk to the kids.

Millions of children grow up hating their fathers, mothers, siblings, grandparents...it hurts to see it happening, but you can't just tell people how to raise their kids, or that they are doing it 'wrong.'
I don't think about my children having sex.

It's strange to me that people put so much thought into their kids' furture sex lives, sexual orientations, sex partners...and apparently, singing careers.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I don't get this either.

The extent of my children and sex goes to hoping that they are responsible and protect themselves from diseases and pregnancy.
W
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Last edited by CanItBeChristine; 08-30-2012 at 11:04 PM.
I actually have the reverse situation. My nephew's dad says he forbids his son from playing any sports. his dad has admitted to being bicurious adn would love a gay son; he feels they would have more in common . I have bought my nephew saints attire and say all the time he is a saints fan for life. I also call him my little linebacker. His dad laughs and says, "my son will never play football. i rather see him on american idol." i respond back with, "oh so he can sell his soul adn then spit out when they are done with him?" My nephew's godfather also buys him sports stuff and we joke that we will teach him the to be a sports fanatic just to piss his dad off.

I know my nephew's dad will love him no matter what. But if he decides to play sports, there is no guarantee he will support him. I just know he will have his auntie and godfather there for him.
Originally Posted by thelio
WTF??????

When will people get that it's not what you play with and what kinds of activities you participate in that make you gay??????
I really would not discuss it w/ the mother/wife. She will feel her kids are being attacked, her husband is being attacked, her role as mother is being attacked, everything.

Just take it up w/ him. Yeah, he'll be annoyed, but something might sink in.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Where did I ever say I was a babysitter for these children?

I also wasn't applying this to "every father out there." "A lot" isn't the same as "every."

And I never said I would tell her how horrible her husband was. Seriously? I might say, "Hey, hearing that stuff might have an impact on the kids, and wouldn't you rather your kid just grow-up to be a happy, healthy person no matter what?" I mean, would he rather his kid grow-up to be the guy in Colorado? Obviously not. So just pray and hope that your children will grow-up to be healthy, happy, good people, no matter what they want to do with their lives.
Originally Posted by CanItBeChristine
You said you are close to these children. You didn't clarify how you know them, hence the reason I asked if you babysit or you nanny for them or something. I will assume that you are friends with the parents, and see how the dad treats the children. You asked if your job was just to be supportive of the kids...but you never really define how you know these kids. I guess you could say that it's your job to support them, but at the same time, it could be your job to just sit back and allow the parents to raise their own children, regardless of how wrong you think they are doing it.

You asked if a lot of dads out there are like this. I realize you didn't say "every." I wouldn't even say that "a lot" of dads are like this. Some are. Some aren't.

You said that the wife/mom gets incredibly defensive when someone tells her about her husband. I am sure that both of them DO want their kids to grow up happy and not like the guy in Colorado. And I am on your side that hcildren should just be able to grow up, be themselves and be happy. I really just don't think it's your place to say these things to them.

Tell the dad whatever your want, tell his wife whatever you want. Just be prepared to receive some backlash, and perhaps never see the kids again, depending on their reaction.
I really would not discuss it w/ the mother/wife. She will feel her kids are being attacked, her husband is being attacked, her role as mother is being attacked, everything.

Just take it up w/ him. Yeah, he'll be annoyed, but something might sink in.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yes, this is what I was trying to say.

You've allready said that 'other people' have told you that she gets defensive when they tell her about her husband...of course she does.

If you do say something to him, you probably need to do it in a way that he doesn't feel attacked either.

It might sink in, but it also might backfire in your face.

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