Overly-macho fathers. What to do?

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Last edited by CanItBeChristine; 08-30-2012 at 11:03 PM.
I think it's more prevalent in certain ethnic groups; I think much of it is posturing and not to be taken totally literally. (Yes, he will still most likely love his kids if they are gay.)

Yes, you should talk to him about tolerance, etc., but not by calling him out in front of the kids.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

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Last edited by CanItBeChristine; 08-30-2012 at 11:03 PM.
That's disgusting! Those poor babies. Dad sounds like a real d!ck.

Are these relatives?
3c/4a
When I see/hear things like this, I make really good friends with the kid. I let them know they can tell me anything. I'd rather be in the kids life then get into a fight with the dad and never see them again.

I'd still say something to the dad. And if the kid asked if I thought liking pink or playing with dolls was wrong, I would say no. I would in no way support the dad's assertions.
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3c/4a
Oh, I know it's not to be taken totally literally...he won't be hanging himself in the garage...but it can't be good for the kids to hear this attitude.
Originally Posted by CanItBeChristine
Right. You should def remind him of that. But chances are, if the father is saying it, the kids in the neighborhood will be, too. You can't shield them from it competely but you can remind him that he'll be raising much healthier kids if they know they can count on mom and dad's love and support, no matter what.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I might say something like, "What's wrong with pink for a boy." "Baton twirling requires talent." As he's making those comments. It really isn't your place (don't know how close you are to the family) as it is their beliefs and dynamic but certainly trying to uncover the depths of his fear might be something for everyone around to be more familiar with. Bringing it up in a group setting to me will allow that more so than a one-on-one discussion about his perceived prejudice.
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~Two friends, one soul inspired~ anonymous
I think it's more prevalent in certain ethnic groups; I think much of it is posturing and not to be taken totally literally. (Yes, he will still most likely love his kids if they are gay.)

Yes, you should talk to him about tolerance, etc., but not by calling him out in front of the kids.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I think it's an age thing within certain ethnicities, too. I don't know many young AA men, for example, who feel THAT strongly about their children being gay. But I know it's a bigger deal for older AA men.
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3c/4a
Sounds to me like the dad isn't comfortable with his own sexuality.

Not to say he's gay, but he might have a latent attraction to other men on some level or some other sexual "road not taken." Or, perhaps, he's unable to express himself freely and envies that in his children.

I've noticed parents are particularly fixated on a [clearly made-up and inconsequential] "problem" with their child when it's really an issue for them.

Personal example: my mom is continually harassing me about a mole on my neck. Her own mother had a similar mole. The two of them had a very difficult relationship. I think my mole is a constant reminder of my grandma to my mom, and so she's always suggesting I have it removed and calling attention to it. I don't mind my mole at all, and there is nothing medically wrong with it. It really doesn't require I do anything about it. Still, she brings it up all. the. time. The last time she brought it up, I told her it only bothers me when other people talk about it — which is true! That shut her down pretty fast!
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Sounds to me like the dad isn't comfortable with his own sexuality.

Not to say he's gay, but he might have a latent attraction to other men on some level or some other sexual "road not taken." Or, perhaps, he's unable to express himself freely and envies that in his children.

I've noticed parents are particularly fixated on a [clearly made-up and inconsequential] "problem" with their child when it's really an issue for them.

Personal example: my mom is continually harassing me about a mole on my neck. Her own mother had a similar mole. The two of them had a very difficult relationship. I think my mole is a constant reminder of my grandma to my mom, and so she's always suggesting I have it removed and calling attention to it. I don't mind my mole at all, and there is nothing medically wrong with it. It really doesn't require I do anything about it. Still, she brings it up all. the. time. The last time she brought it up, I told her it only bothers me when other people talk about it — which is true! That shut her down pretty fast!
Originally Posted by wild~hair
Very interesting!
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

You could try talking to the father. Maybe he'll see some sense. However, many parents believe how they raise their kids is their business and no one else's. Don't be surprised if you are told to mind your own business.

When I saw these 2 athletes on tv (many many years ago), I was surprised by their hobbies.

Calvin Jerome Murphy
"Honors: Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame(1993), NBA All-Rookie Team (1971), NBA All-Star (1979)
Murphy began creating his legend as a youth in the Nutmeg State. He became obsessed with two things: basketball and baton twirling. Surely the only NBA star ever to claim a national championship in baton twirling which he did as a teen-ager in 1963, he picked up a twirler’s baton even before he did a basketball. "
NBA.com: Calvin Murphy Bio


Rosey Grier - NFL player and author of "Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men."
GuardianB likes this.
You could try talking to the father. Maybe he'll see some sense. However, many parents believe how they raise their kids is their business and no one else's. Don't be surprised if you are told to mind your own business.

When I saw these 2 athletes on tv (many many years ago), I was surprised by their hobbies.

Calvin Jerome Murphy
"Honors: Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame(1993), NBA All-Rookie Team (1971), NBA All-Star (1979)
Murphy began creating his legend as a youth in the Nutmeg State. He became obsessed with two things: basketball and baton twirling. Surely the only NBA star ever to claim a national championship in baton twirling which he did as a teen-ager in 1963, he picked up a twirler’s baton even before he did a basketball. "
NBA.com: Calvin Murphy Bio


Rosey Grier - NFL player and author of "Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men."
Originally Posted by damsel_fly
That's awesome!

And male athletes, especially football players, have been known to take ballet classes to gain better balance and agility.
3c/4a
You could try talking to the father. Maybe he'll see some sense. However, many parents believe how they raise their kids is their business and no one else's. Don't be surprised if you are told to mind your own business.

When I saw these 2 athletes on tv (many many years ago), I was surprised by their hobbies.

Calvin Jerome Murphy
"Honors: Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame(1993), NBA All-Rookie Team (1971), NBA All-Star (1979)
Murphy began creating his legend as a youth in the Nutmeg State. He became obsessed with two things: basketball and baton twirling. Surely the only NBA star ever to claim a national championship in baton twirling which he did as a teen-ager in 1963, he picked up a twirler’s baton even before he did a basketball. "
NBA.com: Calvin Murphy Bio


Rosey Grier - NFL player and author of "Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men."
Originally Posted by damsel_fly
That's awesome!

And male athletes, especially football players, have been known to take ballet classes to gain better balance and agility.
Originally Posted by Po
And some male athletes are just...gay! LOL
GuardianB likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Sounds to me like the dad isn't comfortable with his own sexuality.

Not to say he's gay, but he might have a latent attraction to other men on some level or some other sexual "road not taken." Or, perhaps, he's unable to express himself freely and envies that in his children.

I've noticed parents are particularly fixated on a [clearly made-up and inconsequential] "problem" with their child when it's really an issue for them.

Personal example: my mom is continually harassing me about a mole on my neck. Her own mother had a similar mole. The two of them had a very difficult relationship. I think my mole is a constant reminder of my grandma to my mom, and so she's always suggesting I have it removed and calling attention to it. I don't mind my mole at all, and there is nothing medically wrong with it. It really doesn't require I do anything about it. Still, she brings it up all. the. time. The last time she brought it up, I told her it only bothers me when other people talk about it — which is true! That shut her down pretty fast!
Originally Posted by wild~hair
ITA with this.

Usually, men who are always talking about gayness and how they don't like it, and if their children were gay they would "kill themselves" have an issue with homosexuality. They may be gay themselves (on the DL) or they may find themselves attracted to or admiring other men and find that unmasculine. A natural response to this view of unmasculinity (lol, is that a word?) is to be SUPER MASCULINE by degrading others who they may think are unmasculine. This is a huge issue in the Black community. Males who are not comfortable with their sexuality are usually the ones that are super homophobic or dislike "gayness"---they are the suspect ones IMO.

I don't know what your place is. But have you talked to the mum about it? Is she in the picture? How does she feel?
Josephine likes this.
Sounds to me like the dad isn't comfortable with his own sexuality.

Not to say he's gay, but he might have a latent attraction to other men on some level or some other sexual "road not taken." Or, perhaps, he's unable to express himself freely and envies that in his children.

I've noticed parents are particularly fixated on a [clearly made-up and inconsequential] "problem" with their child when it's really an issue for them.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
I was going to say something similar to this. I'd bet the father has some sort of insecurity with his own sexuality. CIBC, I don't really think it's your place to tell the father how wrong he is. BUT you could enlighten him by pointing out if/when his comments hurts his sons' feelings and how the comments/actions are affecting the boys. Maybe then the dad will chill out.
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
I've been working at the same company for 23 years. About 20 years ago a coworker used to tell us very similar things about his three little boys. He wanted them to be football players, box fighters and such. He bullied them and made them cry all the time.

20 years forward the three of them are full grown up adults. One is gay and none of them speak to their father at all. And he wonders why.
3a/b, CG mostly.
Mexico City.

Last edited by maria_i; 07-23-2012 at 09:34 PM.
I've been working at the same company for 23 years. About 20 years ago a coworker used to tell us very similar things about his three little boys. He wanted them to be football players, box fighters and such. He bullied them and made them cry all the time.

20 years forward the three of them are full grown up adults. One is gay and none of them speak to his father at all. And he wonders why.
Originally Posted by maria_i
Yep, I think this too. That's how it happens.
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
My uncle was very much like that with his 3 boys. My cousin came out to my aunt and she said she would tell my uncle. Within minutes my uncle came into my cousins room crying. He was hurt that my cousin hadn't told him and wanted to know if his boyfriend could come for dinner that weekend.

If your cousin turns put to be gay, your uncle will be fine. In the mean time, support them as much as possible.
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn
My BIL has made some similar dumb remarks about his children-to-be, though in a lighter tone, and, as the potential future aunt, it bothers me too.

In the old days, pink was a boy's color. The association of pink with femininity is fairly recent and not natural in any way. I doubt a 3 year old's preference for that color says anything about his sexuality. I would not worry about having to stand up for him...not just yet. You never know. I'd be great if the father didn't reinforce stupid gender stereotypes, regardless of the kid's orientation, but I suppose that's asking for too much for someone like that.
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Last edited by CanItBeChristine; 08-30-2012 at 11:03 PM.

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