coilynapp

Sex addiction is not merely just having many partners or moving from partner to partner. Sex addicts literally cannot often think about anything else without thinking about how it will affect their getting sex. E.g., "I have to go to work, but when will I have sex next, maybe I'll take a lunch and go to a club and get some sex". Their life IS sex. Everything surrounds how they will have sex, with whom they will do it, how they will do it and when they will do it. Sex IS life. They often do not have relationships or have poor relationships in which they are hiding who they really are from their partner.

Just like a drug/alcohol addict will be thinking about when they will have a hit, how they can get it, what they need to do to get it etc.

Sex addition is just as intense. You cannot do anything without having sex. Sex addicts usually have sex multiple times a day with different people--it's not about the number of people, it's about the amount of sex. The different people adds excitement and risk. To them, all they need is their fix...doesn't matter who with.

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kimmidawn

^^ this. Essentially, sex involves the release of chemicals similar taking a hit of drugs, so it makes sense both could create addictions. IMO, the "biggest" difference between sex addiction and drug addiction is sex addiction has come into the mainstream much more recently and (as others have stated), it's used much more often to excuse bad behavior than drug/alcohol addiction, which can make it much harder to believe.

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Eilonwy

Abusing porn and abusing drugs are both about messing with your brain and with your perception of pleasure.

It's also about framing issues in a way that (hopefully) helps people with problems make changes, and helps the public create a framework in which that can happen.

Eilonwy

Yeah, exactly. Thanks for phrasing that way better than my poor tired brain can.

Anyway, to continue my mumbling from my last post... Addiction is about messing around with your brain. Taking drugs is just doing that in a way that's slightly more direct than compulsive gambling.

SapphireWingstar

Here's an article from a female sex addict that I think is pretty interesting because "young, educated, articulate, beautiful woman" is not what most people think of when they think of "sex addict": For the Last Time, Sex Addiction Is REAL | xoJane

ETA: And btw the author has written some really insightful posts for that website on sex addiction, sexual assault, drug addiction, etc if you're interested.

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SarahMarie

I truly believe one of my friends was addicted to sex. He would go on a weekend trip and have sex with up to thirty women. When he was in a relationship he would want it multiple times a day every single day. He would go home from work any break he could get to have sex with people.

He never called himself a sex addict and he didn't ever try to excuse his behavior in any way. He kept this from most people so it wasn't a ploy to get attention or make people feel sorry for him. It actually made me sad because he would tell me how empty he felt and how he hated that he had meaningless sex all the time. He wanted to be in a normal relationship, but could never go more than a week without seeking the thrill of more sex once she got tired of the multiple times a day.

My friend shared with me once how he was molested as a child. I'm sure this had some part in how he became as an adult. I know he was young and it was by a family member. This same family member also sexually abused some of his cousins at a young age and they ended up abusing other even younger cousins.

coilynapp

^^I'm sorry about your friend
If you can broach the subject, suggest getting some counseling.

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Fifi.G

Simple answer... Yes, and I fully agree with this.


Worn out iPhone. Need I say more?

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sleepymeko

A very close college friend was a sex-addict. He stopped when he turned seventeen. At first I didn't believe him, but he told me the whole story and I definitely believe he had it and other people do too.

He started having sex at around 9. I asked him if the woman was older than him and he said yes. I then told him, that someone basically took advantage of a child. But he quickly denied it because he said he "wanted" it. I think there is some denial in there that he needs to work on.

As for him, until age 17 when he stopped, he would do anything to have sex. Sex was always his mission. Practiced homosexuality, incest, etc. Didn't matter to him. Sex was sex. He stopped when his girlfriend was raped. He said it tore him apart and he began to think, am I wrecking this kind of damage to other women? He told me he felt like something was taken from him. So, he became a born-again Christian because he pledged he'll never be what he used to be.

He's 22 now and has been celibate since he was 17. He is a huge Christian and very sweet. I feel bad for him, but he doesn't allow his past to control his present and future. I'm an atheist, but I don't believe that religion is unnecessary. For people like my friend, it stopped them from going down a dangerous path.

He is saving himself for marriage, but I do wonder what will happen once he has sex again. Will those urges come back? I mean, he did have sex with three female cousins and did basically anything to have sex with ANYONE. He has a long battle ahead of him.

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SarahMarie

Unfortunately, he killed himself a year ago. He had other issues going on, too.

Rimi

That's an amazing story

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Rimi

So sorry to hear that 😥

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coilynapp

I am so sorry. What a sad story

Gosh.

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spiderlashes5000

I think, too, some people just have addictve personalities and are prone to compulsive, uncontrollable behaviors in general. So the compulsive sex may accompany other compulsive behaviors such as drinking or drugging or gambling or whatever. I have heard former drug addicts say that having some kind of illicit sex was the cherry on top of their drug-induced high. And when they received treatment for their drug addiction, the sex addiction tapered off, too.

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SarahMarie

Sorry for the depressing ending to mine! He had other problems going on in his life, too. I don't know if the sexual abuse started it or not. It all seemed to spiral downward after he got back from Iraq the third time. I tried to get him to seek help.

Spiderlashes, as for the other addictions, in the case of my friend, he didn't really have anything else. I'm sure it can be that way for some people though.

I didn't really believe someone could be addicted to sex before my friend. I agree that a lot of people just say they are to excuse their bad behaviors. If you cheat on your girlfriend or wife, it doesn't mean you can just shout out that you're addicted to sex.

diaspora

Unfortunately, it is real, and it goes way beyond a compulsive need to have sex for many of its sufferers. The chemicals produced in our brains not just during orgasm, but preparing for a sexual or even just romantic encounter that may not end in sex, are as powerful and addicting as substances such as cocaine and heroin. And it's a pretty tough addiction/compulsion to deal with, because it is not healthy to abstain-- give up relationships and sex completely-- though it is perfectly healthy to abstain from drugs or alcohol or gambling. I'd say it is closer to food addiction/compulsive eating than gambling or alcoholism in this respect.

As with all addictions/compulsions, most sex addicts/sexual compulsives are trying to self-medicate from past abuse and/or to ease underlying depression, anxiety, and other mental illness. I fall into a couple of these categories.

I went to 2 different 12-step groups for this problem for 4 years in my 20s (I had already been in individual therapy since I was a teen). One group catered more to gay men, and I felt most comfortable there as there were not many straight men around I might be in danger of hooking up with. The other program catered more to straight people, and there were many young, highly educated, attractive women there like me. In this group particularly, many of the women and men were not promiscuous at all-- many were dealing with what was called "romantic obsession," "love addiction," or "sexual anorexia" (kind of the flip-side of sex/love addiction, where you avoid any sort of romantic interactions).

In my case, I was faithful in committed relationships, that's not even the issue with many people who have this problem. But I might end up late to work or missing appointments because I couldn't stop masturbating; having sex with people I didn't like when I didn't want to, often unprotected sex, not able to say no; unable to concentrate on anything other than who I was romantically into, etc. Would find myself regularly doing things that shocked and disturbed my friends. No doubt I was hooked on the painkilling and escape from the difficult situations in my life, many of which I could not control, that an obsessive focus on romance and sex provided me.

Most people who are actually in treatment for sexual compulsive behavior take responsibility for their actions. That is part of the treatment. These male movie stars who place all the blame on their addictions would get ridiculed by some their fellow 12-steppers if they are actually in a program.

In my case, no longer working full-time in night-life, getting better treatment for my depression, anxiety, and covert sexual abuse I experienced from family members (and acquaintance/date rapes since) have helped immensely. The 12-step programs did too; I really needed them when things were at their worst and I was really putting myself in life-risking situations. But for me, I no longer consider myself "an addict" because it's lost its usefulness for me-- I know I'm still prone to compulsive sexual behavior, particularly when I am going through stressful times, such as the depression I experience from dealing with chronic physical illness/disability/poverty, etc.

But, my sexual/relationship behavior has been generally safe and respectful of myself and others for many years now. In fact, I feel like the boyfriends I've had since my 12-step days are lucky that I did all the work I did, because at this point, I think I'm healthier in relationships than some of my friends are, and at least way healthier than someone who'd been through what I have but didn't seek help.

But yeah, pisses me off when someone suggests that something you've lived is "not real."

Oh, and there were many other atheists/agnostics like me in the programs-- lots of the meetings don't use the word "God" anymore, just "higher power," which I find much more inclusive. A large # of the gay men in the program were dealing with the shame and rejection they experienced from being raised Catholic.

I suspect people could probably relate a bit more to the below description of characteristics of sex/"love" addicts than they can the main one that gets publicized, major promiscuity:

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction
© 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time.
4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued.
5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support.
7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.
10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery.
12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

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diaspora

Oh, and all the while I was really struggling with this stuff, I actually wanted a committed relationship. It didn't look like it, as I repeatedly had sex with men who I knew did not want committed relationships. This is true of most people in the program I came across. It's one of the things that makes it so painful.

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Nej

Thank you for sharing this. Hugs and love to you!


Sent from my iPhone - blame autocorrect for everything strange

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diaspora

Thanks, Nej.

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Katiecurl

Blessings to you, diaspora... it was brave of you to post, and I applaud you for your honesty. I am like you, and I wasn't brave enough to say anything... thank you for speaking the truth, and your openness with hopefully help others as well. ((Hugs))

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