Should I tell a girl her boyfriend is a cheater?

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I was also confused because you said that you fb chatted with him and he posted on your wall posts about meeting up. I'm guessing now that was a while back before you deleted him.

I've had men hit on me (irl) that I know had fiancees. And I know they cheat. I understand some women are naive and might benefit from being told but I didn't want to get involved. I feel neutral about it. If they get mad at you, at least you tried. My sister tried to tell our childhood friend that her guy was a dog and she got upset at everyone but the guy so now she doesn't say anything anymore. I know if it were me, I would want to be told.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Yea, that's why I'm kinda undecided because I would want to be told, but then maybe she already knows? I feel like a woman always knows there is something "off", you know?

And yea, we only spoke and chatted before I found out about his gf. The recent FB chat and status comment happened last week. I honestly forgot about him, LOL. Men always pop up when your mind is elsewhere. I do remember hiding him on FB since I found him annoying, I guess I forgot to delete as well. Didn't notice until recently since haven't spoken to him in such a long time!

Anyway, does anyone else love that hide feature? I abuse that thing! I just hid some dude I know because he smiles kinda weird (looks psychotic) and it gives me nightmares. He's a nice kid though :/ lol
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I was also confused because you said that you fb chatted with him and he posted on your wall posts about meeting up. I'm guessing now that was a while back before you deleted him.

I've had men hit on me (irl) that I know had fiancees. And I know they cheat. I understand some women are naive and might benefit from being told but I didn't want to get involved. I feel neutral about it. If they get mad at you, at least you tried. My sister tried to tell our childhood friend that her guy was a dog and she got upset at everyone but the guy so now she doesn't say anything anymore. I know if it were me, I would want to be told.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Me too.
Well then a good way to get him to leave you alone is say "I know you are with xyz chick. So unless you want me to forward your messages/texts to her, I will ask one last time that you lose my number." Use her real name so he knows you're serious. That would shut me up real quick! lol
Originally Posted by mcheryce
And unfriend him on FB...that's a no-brainier.
Originally Posted by cyndi
It's only a no brainer if you actually want the guy to stop paying attention to you. If you get off on the drama, of course you wouldn't defriend him!

sleepymeko, you should have stopped talking to this guy a long time ago if you believe he his a cheating dirtbag. Instead you've allowed him to keep in touch, building drama, and are now considering jumping right into the middle of a big dramatic immature relationship. Maybe you should put some of that energy into considering why you attract this type of person to you, and why you allow it to continue?
Originally Posted by Who Me?
Couldn't have said it better!
I think that I deceive genius.
^^^She already stopped talking to him a long time ago, when she found out he had a gf....
^^^She already stopped talking to him a long time ago, when she found out he had a gf....
Originally Posted by coilynapp
But, I must have SENSED that he had a GF when I met him, so I purposefully seduced him to steal him away from his woman
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^^^She already stopped talking to him a long time ago, when she found out he had a gf....
Originally Posted by coilynapp
But, I must have SENSED that he had a GF when I met him, so I purposefully seduced him to steal him away from his woman
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
Most definitely, tramp!


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It's not my responsibility to look out for his GF and it's not my responsibility to remind him he has a gf.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
It seems as though you already have the answer to your question.
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I'd definitely want to be told if my boyfriend was doing anything questionable like this guy is doing. When I was engaged, I actually had a chick I didn't really know well, message me to ask some questions because she had seen pics of my "fiancÚ" kissing another girl on his myspace. She sent me the link, and sure enough he was actually already engaged to his gf of two years. The girl who messaged me barely knew me, but wanted me to know what was going on.

I told his real fiancÚ, and no, she did not believe me, and they are still together. In fact, he's been cheating on her their entire relationship (unfortunately I know other people who also know his gf) and she knows something is up but obviously won't leave.

My point: I'd tell the chick, show her the conversations between you and her boyfriend, then leave it alone. If she doesn't believe you, then she doesn't. But I am very grateful I was told, even though I didn't really know the chick.
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It's not my responsibility to look out for his GF and it's not my responsibility to remind him he has a gf.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
It seems as though you already have the answer to your question.
Originally Posted by sariroo

Very good point.


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I'm trying to get the timeline straight.

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I have mixed feelings. It is none of your business and common sense says to mind your own business. BUT I also feel that we as people need to look out for eachother, especially women. Blame the cheater, not the woman. I know she will most likely take his side but I'ma believer in baby steps, and that change won't happen unless we make it change. I read a great article about how two women built an amazing friendship when the other woman sent his official gf a message explaining that he had been dating both and had no idea. Not the norm, but doesn't mean we can't be working towards this in our own lives.

I say follow your gut, and let the chips fall where they may.
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sleepymeko, you confuse me.

The proof is him talking to me over messenger and begging to hang out with me all the time to make men jealous.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
I avoid him when he writes on my FB status updates that we need to meet up. The only reason why I spoke to him recently was because he caught me online on FB and chatted with me :/
Originally Posted by sleepymeko




So you blocked him and then he wrote on your status updates. You blocked him and then he started a chat with you?

You're either really confused about how Facebook works or … ?

And you're not talking to him — except for those times you were talking to him.

Also you seem to be trying to make a point about women being negative about other women here. Or something. Here's a question for the group: who do you think is down on women? Women who ask reasonable questions about someone's true motivations? Or the one who carries on with:

I'm not talking to him. I haven't talked to him in months. I'm not fueling anything. Why am I being blamed for his doggy behavior. Women sometimes, I swear LOL.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
Some of you chicks have problems. lol.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
Here's a thought. If you want to make a big point about women not hating on other women, you might want to drop the word "chicks" from your vocabulary. And it might help to not make sweeping generalizations about women's behavior, hinting they're vindictive/untrustworthy,etc.

Oops, almost forgot: LOL
Originally Posted by wild~hair
LOLOLOLOL okay, dude.

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I have mixed feelings. It is none of your business and common sense says to mind your own business. BUT I also feel that we as people need to look out for eachother, especially women. Blame the cheater, not the woman. I know she will most likely take his side but I'ma believer in baby steps, and that change won't happen unless we make it change. I read a great article about how two women built an amazing friendship when the other woman sent his official gf a message explaining that he had been dating both and had no idea. Not the norm, but doesn't mean we can't be working towards this in our own lives.

I say follow your gut, and let the chips fall where they may.
Originally Posted by Nej
Yea, something like that happened to a close friend of mine. It's all kind of undecided though. Because I had another friend who found out her boyfriend was cheating because some girl on FB messaged her about her bf, showing her proof of the cheating. My friend, OFC, ended up staying with him. They have a really weird relationship though and you can totally tell trust is lacking in both parts. I feel awkward around them and I felt this way before I found out about the cheating. You can just feel that something isn't right because of how they carry themselves. But hey, that's their life. They plan on getting married. Good luck to them, but she should've broke up with him when she found out. Something about him always irked me and she is super insecure and has a low-self esteem. She puts him before everyone and that's really sad, smh. IDK if this dude's GF is like this.

You never know with some ppl sometimes.
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Last edited by sleepymeko; 08-17-2012 at 02:36 AM.
I don't really understand what's going on either because how can someone you blocked "pop up on chat" or write on your status updates? And you made it sound like "he writes on my status updates" as if he does it often. I agree with those who said that he should be completely cut off, so if you thought you did it and you haven't, you need to get that figured out ASAP.

I'm confused because this is what you wrote, and after people started calling you out, your story changed somewhat. You said he "is always flirting with you...." as if this is an ongoing thing.

This guy on my FB is always flirting with me and hinting that we should meet up. Actually, the last thing he said to me was that I need a "big man" to beat that a** up. NOT KIDDING.

As for telling her, I wouldn't. I think it would just start too much drama over a lot of speculation. You don't know the nature of their relationship, what she already knows and tolerates, are they currently still together, etc. I would only tell someone their partner was cheating on them with me if I knew for a fact it was a serious and committed relationship and I had concrete evidence of something major happening. With online chat it's easy to spin it to look like no big deal and really, nothing has happened, and had you actually blocked him properly early on nothing would have happened. That's the beauty and the curse of online communication.

So if I were her, I probably would question why you allowed such conversations to go on but are then running to tell me about it. If a random man said to me on fb he wanted to beat my *ss up, it would be the first and last time we interacted in any way at all. I've blocked and deleted plenty of guys on fb for nonsense like that, and for much less, not to mention reported them. This has nothing to do with "blaming the woman" and everything to do with setting boundaries for what you consider appropriate behaviour. And questioning your role in this doesn't mean he isn't also accountable or that he shouldn't be held responsible. You can't control how he handles things, but you can control your own actions and if you were so concerned about her feelings, you should have acted like it from the get-go. Also, you're the one asking us for advice, not him. If he were to post about these goings-on he would probably be roasted too.

Also, rather than worry about the possible girlfriend you don't even know, you should worry about what you can learn from this to avoid these situations in the future. I think it's weird that your mother would show your picture to someone random she meets who tells her he likes Black women and encourage you to start talking to this person on line. I'd have a serious talk with her about that - it could be really dangerous. Plus a guy who says he likes Black women, especially a non-Black guy, is immediately suspect to me, because Black women are a huge and diverse group and if you can make a blanket statement that you "like" them all, you probably hold all kinds of stereotypes and expectations about and of them. Sounds like this guy sexually fetishizes Black women. And your mother all but threw you at him. There isn't much hope for a respectful friendship, conversation etc. based on how it started.
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So if I were her, I probably would question why you allowed such conversations to go on but are then running to tell me about it. If a random man said to me on fb he wanted to beat my *ss up, it would be the first and last time we interacted in any way at all.
Originally Posted by Amneris
This, 100%!
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Defriend him and stay out of it. It seems like the right thing to do, but this kind of scenario almost always goes wrong and will likely backfire on you.
Originally Posted by Layali
This is very true.

After a month of me and every single other one of my girlfriends being hit on, by a close friends boyfriend, we talked and decided to let her know. They had been together 5+ years. He was all talk, often drunk, so we gave it some serious thought and consideration. We knew it might not go smoothly but after asking him to stop on several occasions we had to tell her.

6 women sat her down and told her. She refused to speak to any of us again- because we should have told her sooner. No way I'm getting involved with someone I don't know well because that typically ends even worse. Delete him and hope she catches on.


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When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 08-17-2012 at 05:56 AM.
^Now that is some strong denial!
Originally Posted by Saria
It was, and it was a bad relationship- at best. She was young when it started, he liked her to stay at home if he was not with her, wear no revealing clothing what so ever... It was not good. We all knew what he was like, out and about, and she did not.

You couldn't talk to her about anything dealing with him. She did eventually make the break, in more ways than one.


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When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

I don't. I've found even your best friend will believe that man over you every time. For some reason men are like friggin GOLD til she actually catches him herself.


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Defriend him and stay out of it. It seems like the right thing to do, but this kind of scenario almost always goes wrong and will likely backfire on you.
Originally Posted by Layali
This is very true.

After a month of me and every single other one of my girlfriends being hit on, by a close friends boyfriend, we talked and decided to let her know. They had been together 5+ years. He was all talk, often drunk, so we gave it some serious thought and consideration. We knew it might not go smoothly but after asking him to stop on several occasions we had to tell her.

6 women sat her down and told her. She refused to speak to any of us again- because we should have told her sooner. No way I'm getting involved with someone I don't know well because that typically ends even worse. Delete him and hope she catches on.


Worn out iPhone. Need I say more?
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
Sounds like a lot of women I know, SMH! I do hope she catches on soon. But maybe she already knows. From what I know about Asian culture, men are expected to be unfaithful. He has a successful career, bright future and he's charming. She probably wouldn't do anything. Some women stay for financial reasons. When I first met him (before I knew about the gf) he would brag about his career and success. Told me some sob story about his parents struggling or something. I wasn't really listening because (a) it was boring and (b) I figured he was trying to manipulate me into thinking he was inspirational or something. I've dated many many men, so I've heard it all LOL! I know what things to watch out for and him bragging and trying to make this "image" of himself was suspicious and made me look him up. Glad I did! Too bad my mom and neighbor fell for it LOL.
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