Thoughts on this ask out

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But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history...
Originally Posted by Amneris
Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I probably wouldn't do it THAT early, but I certainly would well before it got serious. Each person has their own standards on this. If sex on the first date is a possibility, then it makes sense to ask. I don't think asking before the first date as a condition of going on the date is a bad idea.
Originally Posted by Amneris
No guy who knows me is going to think sex on the first date is a possibility! Including this guy.

It's just that men don't indulge these kinds of "manipulative" behaviors from women (i.e., confirm to me that you aren't thinking about any other women before I go out w/ you...). We take our chances and go. It psses me off that a man would expect me to indulge him in this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I probably wouldn't do it THAT early, but I certainly would well before it got serious. Each person has their own standards on this. If sex on the first date is a possibility, then it makes sense to ask. I don't think asking before the first date as a condition of going on the date is a bad idea.
Originally Posted by Amneris
No guy who knows me is going to think sex on the first date is a possibility! Including this guy.

It's just that men don't indulge these kinds of "manipulative" behaviors from women (i.e., confirm to me that you aren't thinking about any other women before I go out w/ you...). We take our chances and go. It psses me off that a man would expect me to indulge him in this.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I know what you're saying. But it sounds like he just said to let him know when you're not thinking about someone else. I didn't like the presumptuous way in which he said it, but he's certainly entitled to ask, and you're certainly entitled not to engage if you don't like it. And as a woman, I would absolutely ask if I wanted to know, and not just "take my chances and go".

I think that's the tricky part of going from good friends to dating. Your good friend knows all the ins and outs of your relationships and baggage you would never share with a man you just met. I think of my best guy friend who knows stuff about my past my husband doesn't know (because it wasn't relevant by then, not out of any attempt to deceive) as well as stuff about my marriage. Likewise, I know all about his past decade and a half of dating, all his breakups, etc. If I were to lose my husband, best guy friend is definitely a quality person worth dating, but I could see what we know about each other being a minus as well as a plus. You have to build on the fact you're comfortable with one another but kind of pretend that the other stuff doesn't exist.

Like for example, let's say you once made a comment about loving muscular guys and being attracted to your current boyfriend due to his physique and this guy is very skinny. You may not have meant it as an absolute, or you may have changed your mind since then, or you might be able to overlook that for other qualities, but in his mind, you're constantly comparing him to your muscular ex, because he's insecure.
spiderlashes5000 likes this.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











LOL. I am "her" in this story. (Tho I am usually not the "her" in other stories I post about.)
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I figured as much, spidey.
Originally Posted by Amneris
But I'm usually not! LOL

What you said confirms to me that he is insecure. I agree with you that you shouldn't have to be that accountable to him or justify your private thoughts or every little thing you do. If he's waiting for you to be a complete blank slate, he'll be waiting forever because you are a person with a past and a history and he can't erase all of that.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Yes, we are grown. Good and grown. We aren't high school kids.

I think your idea of hanging out and seeing where it goes makes sense. Have you suggested that, and what did he say?
Originally Posted by Amneris
Yes, I have. And he says (I'm paraphrasing): I want to go out w/ you but I don't want to be wasting my time if you are still hung up on someone else. Nor do I want to be that kinda sucker who wines and dines a woman only to watch her go home to the other guy who she's really into and he says 'Did you have a nice dinner? Now come on over here to papa for dessert.' LOL

Here's another question: when people say "dating" or "seeing each other" do others assume that that is a euphemism for "having sex?"
Originally Posted by Amneris
I don't assume that bc I have "dated" and "gone out w/" and considered myself "seeing" lots of men and there was no sex. But mostly, I don't assume anything about other people's relationships or think about them in that way or care.

At this stage in my life, I do assume, generally, the men I date have had active sex lives over the span of many years with multiple people. Once I start to feel like our relationship might become sexual, then we talk about how long it's been, if anything is still going on and are they willing to get tested and be monogamous, etc

But I certainly wouldn't hit someone over the head w/ those questions prior to the first date.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 08-17-2012 at 12:15 PM.
Based on the response he gave you to your suggestion of hanging out, he sounds like someone I'd ditch. Why would he be "wasting his time" if you are already friends and he genuinely enjoys your company? And who's to say that you wouldn't get over the person you're hung up after you saw what he had to offer? And so what if you have dinner with him and "dessert" with someone else? Is he that cheap or easily wounded that he can't spare the expense of a dinner or two or the thought of providing it? Plus, who says he has to pay for the dinner? Perhaps you guys could split it or sometimes it would be your treat. He sounds very unappealing to me.

I don't think you should "hit people over the head" with extensive questions about their entire history before a first date. But for me, I would want to know if they are currently or very recently intimately involved. I don't want some other person (or persons) mistakenly thinking they are exclusive coming after me or causing drama, for example. So I guess I'd find a way to ask about that in a tactful manner.
M2LR likes this.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











A man on friendly terms w/ a woman he is interested in sends her this text:

Let me know when you are single again, mentally and physically, so we can go out.

Reasonable? Intrusive? Straightfoward? Goofy?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
My first thought was, is this guy serious? It sounds very cocky, IMO. That he thinks that he's ALL that, that he's been waiting for you, so you need to jump at the chance to experience his prowess.

I'd try to think of something witty to fire back at him. He sounds too cocky for me.

I am not sure about the insecurity that others have mentioned...but it sounds like HE doesn't think about past relationships or other people when he's dating? I'd call him out on that. IMO, it's pretty much impossible to NOT think of your past relationships, or other people sometimes. Not that you have to act on those feelings, but I will admit that I still occasionally think of my HS boyfriend...and I wouldn't doubt that my husband thinks of his previous long term relationship. It's not like we are CALLING these people, but to THINK of them occasionally? That's ok with me.

He almost sounds controlling. Think of HIM and ONLY HIM.

I dunno.
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Based on the response he gave you to your suggestion of hanging out, he sounds like someone I'd ditch. Why would he be "wasting his time" if you are already friends and he genuinely enjoys your company? And who's to say that you wouldn't get over the person you're hung up after you saw what he had to offer? And so what if you have dinner with him and "dessert" with someone else? Is he that cheap or easily wounded that he can't spare the expense of a dinner or two or the thought of providing it? Plus, who says he has to pay for the dinner? Perhaps you guys could split it or sometimes it would be your treat. He sounds very unappealing to me.

I don't think you should "hit people over the head" with extensive questions about their entire history before a first date. But for me, I would want to know if they are currently or very recently intimately involved. I don't want some other person (or persons) mistakenly thinking they are exclusive coming after me or causing drama, for example. So I guess I'd find a way to ask about that in a tactful manner.
Originally Posted by Amneris
He doesn't sound like someone I'd be into either.

In terms of dating history, if it's a first or second date, I might not ask too many questions. By the third date, if things are looking a little more serious, I am going to be curious if he's dating other people. I wouldn't ask about sexual history until we got to that point, or if it came up somewhere else OTHER than the bedroom.

Thinking back to my dating days...13 years ago...the subject of exclusivity ALWAYS came up around the second or third date. I do NOT date men who date other women at the same time they are dating me. It just leaves TOO much in the open and makes me feel as though I cannot trust them. Who is to say that he's dating me and three other women, and sleeping with someone else? I don't like that.
I also didn't date more than one man at a time.
Amneris likes this.
His problem is that he always complains to me that by the time he realizes I am truly single again and works up the courage to ask me out, I've already met someone else and he "misses his chance" each time.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Welp, tell him to sh or get off the pot. "work up the courage to ask you out" makes him sound like a bellyaching teenager from a John Hughes movie. Either he wants to take a chance and date you, or he doesn't. No caveats and all that jazz just date you, how you are, right now.

Personally I always think "I'm not looking for something serious until I find a guy with who I want to be serious" I'd tell him to stop being all insecure and rulesy and start being so incredibly awesome that you wouldn't want to think of anyone else but him.
Amneris and spiderlashes5000 like this.
His problem is that he always complains to me that by the time he realizes I am truly single again and works up the courage to ask me out, I've already met someone else and he "misses his chance" each time.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Welp, tell him to sh or get off the pot. "work up the courage to ask you out" makes him sound like a bellyaching teenager from a John Hughes movie. Either he wants to take a chance and date you, or he doesn't. No caveats and all that jazz just date you, how you are, right now.

Personally I always think "I'm not looking for something serious until I find a guy with who I want to be serious" I'd tell him to stop being all insecure and rulesy and start being so incredibly awesome that you wouldn't want to think of anyone else but him.
Originally Posted by cailin
Too funny! And exactly how I feel!
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

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