Thoughts on this ask out

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A man on friendly terms w/ a woman he is interested in sends her this text:

Let me know when you are single again, mentally and physically, so we can go out.

Reasonable? Intrusive? Straightfoward? Goofy?
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

A man on friendly terms w/ a woman he is interested in sends her this text:

Let me know when you are single again, mentally and physically, so we can go out.

Reasonable? Intrusive? Straightfoward? Goofy?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It's a little presumptive and cocky (assumes that even if she is not in a relationship, she may be mentally hung up on an ex, assumes that she isn't available to him only because she is in a relationship or has baggage from one, assumes that she would go out with him once she is single.) My opinion as to whether it is intrusive or unwelcome depends on the relationship between the two and what they have discussed in the past.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I think it's straightforward. I admire his honesty.
Reasonable? From a strictly rational aspect, yes. But there are societal conventions one must consider.

Intrusive? No. I would say it's even a bit lazy. He wants her to hold his place in line, and he does this by sending a text? But maybe there's been some previous flirting and he's already dropped a few hints...dunno.

Straightfoward? Yes.

Goofy? Hopefully. If this guy has a quirky sense of humour, I'd understand. If not and you're supposed to read it in all seriousness, then it's just off putting.
jeepcurlygurl and thelio like this.
To me, putting something like that in a text makes it seem not serious. The question is whether it's not serious because he's a guy playing the field who just wants to throw a bone out there or if he is serious but wants to appear casual to guard against rejection. This seems that it should be a serious conversation you have face-to-face. In fact, I recall years ago having such a conversation.... with my now-husband. Texting is great, but I don't think it is appropriate for heavy emotional topics where you need to see the person's face and body language, or conversations where the meaning is ambiguous and it needs to be clear whether the person is being "goofy" or not.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











It would depend on the context for sure.

On the surface it sounds like a guy I wouldn't bother with because it seems disrespectful of current relationships.


However, it depends what conversations they've had. I could see if she's discussed that she's emotionally wrapped up and trying to disentangle herself from something, and isn't ready to have anything happen with him it could be totally appropriate. I'm having trouble picturing it as even potentially goofy, though!
goldencurly likes this.
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!
There's more...

Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts.
And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you!


My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can dictate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 08-17-2012 at 01:16 PM.
So his issue is that she is single but he thinks she is still thinking about someone else? And he doesn't want to go out with her even casually until she is completely over that person? Or is it that he wants to go out with her exclusively immediately and doesn't want her to be sleeping with or dating anyone else?

In that case, he sounds insecure.
nynaeve77 likes this.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











Are they already friends?

I can see it from someone with whom there's already a non-dating relationship. When I've gotten involved with friends it was exclusive from the start because we already had the emotional involvement there. And no way they would have wanted to get involved while I was pining over someone else.

If I'm starting to date someone with whom I don't have a friendship relationship already I start with the assumption they are dating others. I can't handle dating multiple people at once well so I am almost immediately going to be seeing a guy exclusively, but don't think it's reasonable to be asked to do so immediately, and wouldn't ask it of someone else.

Now as far as *sleeping* with someone - I actually think it's totally reasonable to ask someone to wait 6 months since there are thoughts about that being safest as far as STD testing being able to show positives when they should show up...
Amneris likes this.
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!
Are they already friends?

I can see it from someone with whom there's already a non-dating relationship. When I've gotten involved with friends it was exclusive from the start because we already had the emotional involvement there. And no way they would have wanted to get involved while I was pining over someone else.

If I'm starting to date someone with whom I don't have a friendship relationship already I start with the assumption they are dating others. I can't handle dating multiple people at once well so I am almost immediately going to be seeing a guy exclusively, but don't think it's reasonable to be asked to do so immediately, and wouldn't ask it of someone else.

Now as far as *sleeping* with someone - I actually think it's totally reasonable to ask someone to wait 6 months since there are thoughts about that being safest as far as STD testing being able to show positives when they should show up...
Originally Posted by NetG
I agree, NetG. I know my values on this differ from those of most people, but no way would I date someone who is currently sleeping with other people or who has recently been doing so. I wouldn't even want to go on a first date with someone if that is what they were all about. I wouldn't ask them not to do it, but I'd find out if they were doing it, and if they were, that would show me that their character, values etc. clearly would not be compatible with mine and it would be a waste of time to go out. But the conversation spidey provided didn't seem to suggest that that is what is being discussed. I was surprised that it jumped into a conversation about "sleeping with." Clearly I'm naive when it comes to this type of stuff.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











There's more...

Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts.
And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you!


My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can didctate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Re: bold underlined. I would assume possibly seeing other people but I would not assume sleeping with other people. As I said, maybe I am out of touch on this, but to me, multiple simultaneous sexual partners are a big red flag and a character/moral failing of sorts, so I would want to KNOW if this were the case because this would not be someone suited for me and vice versa. I would not be comfortable at all with that and would be worried that if it worked out and we became sexually involved, there would be a risk to me of disease. I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











There's more...

Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts.
And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you!


My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can didctate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Re: bold underlined. I would assume possibly seeing other people but I would not assume sleeping with other people. As I said, maybe I am out of touch on this, but to me, multiple simultaneous sexual partners are a big red flag and a character/moral failing of sorts, so I would want to KNOW if this were the case because this would not be someone suited for me and vice versa. I would not be comfortable at all with that and would be worried that if it worked out and we became sexually involved, there would be a risk to me of disease. I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!
Originally Posted by Amneris
I think it's safe to say most people would prefer their new dating partner not be sexually involved w/ other people. (I hope, anyway. LOL)

I, personally, find it gross and uncomfortable to be in a situation where I am physically involved w/ two people, and it's nothing I've ever been able to do/maintain. But my understanding is that some people are more than OK w/ that..esp men, but many women, too.

But preferences aside, is it fair or proper to ask a woman to confirm prior to a first date that she is not in any way physically involved w/ someone else or even mentally involved? I mean, is it really the business of a man who wants to take a woman out on a first date when she has last been intimate w/ someone or if she entertains any romantic feeings for someone besides himself.

Shouldn't that kind of discussion and disclosure come after a mutual connection is established and a decision to take things to the next level is made?
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

There's more...

Her: Why, am I going to be dusted for fingerprints?

Him: No, but it would be nice to spend time with you and you're not thinking about anyone else.

Her: Sorry, but you don't get to control people's thoughts.
And how many times have people said to you, "hey, Joe, let's go out...but only if you haven't slept with anyone else for the past six months"?

You are crazy. You know it doesn't work that way!

Him: Yeah, I'm crazy for you!


My issue w/ it is that he is jumping the gun. Whe you ask someone out, the best you're going to get in terms of a guarantee or whatever is that the other person is not in a committed relationship. You can't control who else she is or is not thinking about or with whom she is or is not physically involved. In the early stages of dating someone, aren't you always supposed to assume the other person is dating other people and possibly sleeping w/ other people?

Maybe the object of your affection is thinking about someone else. Maybe she isn't. So let the best man win. If the two of you are compatible, and you handle your business, any other love interests will fade into the background.

I read this and I say to myself: what a damn nerve to believe he can didctate who she sleeps with...much less, who she thinks about!

Presumptuous, exactly, Amneris. And, yes, doesn't seem to grasp normal societal conventions, Dedachan. Or thinks he is above them.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Re: bold underlined. I would assume possibly seeing other people but I would not assume sleeping with other people. As I said, maybe I am out of touch on this, but to me, multiple simultaneous sexual partners are a big red flag and a character/moral failing of sorts, so I would want to KNOW if this were the case because this would not be someone suited for me and vice versa. I would not be comfortable at all with that and would be worried that if it worked out and we became sexually involved, there would be a risk to me of disease. I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!
Originally Posted by Amneris
I think it's safe to say most people would prefer their new dating partner not be sexually involved w/ other people. (I hope, anyway. LOL)

I, personally, find it gross and uncomfortable to be in a situation where I am physically involved w/ two people. But my understanding is that some people are more than OK w/ that..esp men, but many women, too.

But preferences aside, is it fair or proper to ask a woman to confirm prior to a first date that she is not in any way physically involved w/ someone else or even mentally involved? I mean, is it really the business of a man who wants to take a woman out on a first date when she has last been intimate w/ someone or if she entertains any romantic feeings for someone besides himself.

Shouldn't that kind of discussion and disclosure come after a mutual connection is established and a decision to take things to the next level is made?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I don't think it's anyone's business if you are mentally involved with anyone or what you think about at any stage of a relationship. But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history, as that directly affects the askee's health if they get sexually involved, and as I said, may indicate their character by some standards. I wouldn't want to get involved, fall hard and THEN find out they're having regular booty calls with three other women, or were doing so a month ago.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali












Last edited by Amneris; 08-17-2012 at 10:51 AM.
I hope I am never, ever single again, because even just having to consider these possibilities grosses me out!
Originally Posted by Amneris
Heh, me too. I didn't like the dating game much before I was married, and I think I'd hate it even more now. So much stress!
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But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history...
Originally Posted by Amneris
Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Have they already established that there is a mutual attraction?

Blame it on the cell phone...
But the conversation spidey provided didn't seem to suggest that that is what is being discussed. I was surprised that it jumped into a conversation about "sleeping with." Clearly I'm naive when it comes to this type of stuff.
Originally Posted by Amneris
I didn't take it that way at first, but I think that's how folks were taking the "physically single" part of it?

Again, context really matters - are they already emotionally involved as friends, or are they near strangers?

Actually, "I'm crazy about you" would creep me out if it were coming from a virtual stranger. There's a whole lot more to me than looks and if he only knows my appearance and thinks that, from my experience, ick. He won't be likely interested in me as a person.

Drawn to, attracted to, and really wanting to get to know me better? Sure. But crazy about that early? No, buh-bye.
goldencurly likes this.
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!
LOL. I am "her" in this story. (Tho I am usually not the "her" in other stories I post about.)

I've known this guy for quite a while and he has always liked me. I've toyed w/ the idea of going out on a date w/ him but...it hasn't happened for various reasons.

Yes, a relationship I had been in for about a year ended a few months ago and I have been casually going out w/ men here and there recently.

He knows the timeline and he knows roughly the extent of my feelings for the previous bf.

Honestly, at this moment, I am just not a great candidate for someone to pursue for a serious commitment. And I have said as much. (Though I think I am great catch to date casually! LOL)

His problem is that he always complains to me that by the time he realizes I am truly single again and works up the courage to ask me out, I've already met someone else and he "misses his chance" each time.

The truth is, I'm not looking for anything serious right now, but I would be interested hanging out w/ him and seeing if there is any connection beyond platonic friendship. And if there is, when I'm interested in being in a serious relationship, I would let him know.

But it seems as though he needs some kind of official declaration on my part that I haven't been doing this, I won't be doing that, I can't ever think about this... Like I am supppsed to cease any and all mental and physical involvement (no matter how innocent) w/ everyone else for a certain ength of time such that he is reassured he has no competition, in order for him to go out w/ me.

And to me, that is not how dating works. I don't feel I should have to be accountable to him on that level before we go out on even one date.

eta - Plz don't misunderstand: This is not some major life crisis I'm grappling with and desperately need help with. I just put it out there as fodder for discussion...bc I just thought the opposing PsOV were interesting.
nynaeve77 likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 08-17-2012 at 11:32 AM.
But I absolutely think it's fine for a man or a woman to ask if a person is sexually involved with anyone else and their recent sexual history...
Originally Posted by Amneris
Before the first date? And as a condition of asking for or accepting a first date?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I probably wouldn't do it THAT early, but I certainly would well before it got serious. Each person has their own standards on this. If sex on the first date is a possibility, then it makes sense to ask. I don't think asking before the first date as a condition of going on the date is a bad idea.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











LOL. I am "her" in this story. (Tho I am usually not the "her" in other stories I post about.)
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I figured as much, spidey.

What you said confirms to me that he is insecure. I agree with you that you shouldn't have to be that accountable to him or justify your private thoughts or every little thing you do. If he's waiting for you to be a complete blank slate, he'll be waiting forever because you are a person with a past and a history and he can't erase all of that.

I think your idea of hanging out and seeing where it goes makes sense. Have you suggested that, and what did he say?

Here's another question: when people say "dating" or "seeing each other" do others assume that that is a euphemism for "having sex?"
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











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