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-   -   From Dear Abby - Sound Off! (http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/non-hair-discussion/1491-dear-abby-sound-off.html)

Mephisto 12-10-2003 12:05 PM

From Dear Abby - Sound Off!
 
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and live at home with my parents. My boyfriend is 24, and also lives at home.

His mother has given him a cruise for his birthday, and he would like to take me. However, my parents don't believe in premarital sex and have already told me I cannot go away with him -- that only as a married couple can we travel together alone.

I do not want to miss this trip. I would love to spend this kind of time with my boyfriend. I love him very much, but my parents limit our time together. Is there a way to get around this?
-- RESTRICTED IN OCEANSIDE, N.Y.

DEAR RESTRICTED: Yes. Invite a chaperone or get married.

Mephisto 12-10-2003 12:08 PM

This one struck me as I read it in the paper on Monday. :D

This chick is TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD. She has the opportunity to go on a cruise. And she's letting her parents dictate whether or not she can go on a vacation?

This isn't a case of "you live in my house, you live by my rules." She's not asking permission to have the boyfriend sleep over.

Dear Abby screwed this one up. She doesn't need a chaperone and she doesn't need to get married. She probably needs to move out of her parents home, but if I'm in the same situation... I take the cruise despite my parents objections. They need to have faith in the daughter that she isn't going to be a ****ing machine on the vacation. And if she is... it's not her parents business at 23!

Thoughts?

slinky1 12-10-2003 12:09 PM

I acutally saw this. They must be Baptist or something.

My parents are even more confusing. Pre-marital sex is okay, going on trips w/bf is okay, living with guys you aren't "involved" with is okay, but somehow, living with bf is not okay. Well, actually its not that confusing, just stupid.

Little Miss Snarky Booyah 12-10-2003 12:12 PM

I completely agree with you. No matter what my views are on premarital sex, you can't force them on other people! Maybe if she was 16 or something. But not at 23!


Abby shouldn't have made her response so cut and dried. She should have said something about maybe looking into another living situation. I don't know, I just don't agree with Abby here.

curlyroller 12-10-2003 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mephisto
This isn't a case of "you live in my house, you live by my rules."

actually, i was thinking that just MIGHT be the case. sure, she's 23, but if she's accepting her parents help by living with them, it's only natural to assume there might be conditions. if she doesn't like the conditions, she should get her own apartment and be done with it.

but, i also wonder if what abby is saying is: you can't change your parents mind on this one, so here's the way to appease them and go on the trip.

mrspoppers 12-10-2003 12:14 PM

I think she should move out.

naturalt 12-10-2003 12:15 PM

You live in your parents house, you live by your parents rules. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

slinky1 12-10-2003 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturalT
You live in your parents house, you live by your parents rules. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

As if the parents weren't living in their own parents' houses back when they were dating and having premarital sex.

ChiChi 12-10-2003 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curlyroller

but, i also wonder if what abby is saying is: you can't change your parents mind on this one, so here's the way to appease them and go on the trip.

That's what it sounds like to me. This woman's parents sound really, really domineering. However, if she doesn't want to deal with their rules (or go on this trip without them getting totally po'd at her), it's pretty obvious what her options are.

naturalt 12-10-2003 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slinky1
Quote:

Originally Posted by naturalT
You live in your parents house, you live by your parents rules. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

As if the parents weren't living in their own parents' houses back when they were dating and having premarital sex.

#1 we don't know that.
#2 we don't know their parents' rules.
#3 that is irrelevant to this situation.

Bottom line is, if she wants to be more independent she needs to move out and live her own life. She can't have it both ways.

Mephisto 12-10-2003 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curlyroller
actually, i was thinking that just MIGHT be the case. sure, she's 23, but if she's accepting her parents help by living with them, it's only natural to assume there might be conditions. if she doesn't like the conditions, she should get her own apartment and be done with it.

Which is why I add "she probably should move out."

However, "my house, my rules" should NEVER mean that you have to live the entirety of your life by the parents rules... absolutely NOT.

- Don't come home after 11. Okay.
- Don't come home drunk. Okay.
- No BF sleepovers. Okay.
- No unannounced guests. Okay.
- Mow the lawn. Great.
- Take out the trash. Super.
- Do the dishes. Okay.
- Make your bed when you get up in the morning. I can handle.

But "you can't take a vacation?" Get outta dodge. Not in this lifetime. What's next? You can't eat at a certain restaurant? Work at a particular job? Drive a certain car? Hang out with certain friends?

Okay... I'll go on the vacation, and I promise not to have pre-marital sex. HOUSE rules don't extend beyond the HOUSE. And they CERTAINLY should not for someone who is 23-years old.

Parents Options:

1) Trust their daughter.
2) Alienate their daughter, have her move out, go on the same vacation and have the same premarital sex.

:roll:

curlyroller 12-10-2003 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mephisto
[HOUSE rules don't extend beyond the HOUSE. And they CERTAINLY should not for someone who is 23-years old.

i don't think that's always necessarily the case. for example, what if they had a house rule of: don't do drugs. extreme example, but that's one where it certainly could acceptably extend beyond the borders of the property line.

if that's how you want to raise your kids, great, but i sure plan on having rules for mine that extend past the property line. especially while they are under 18. and i don't think that's blanket crazy.

again, the simple answer keeps coming back to: if she doesn't like it, no one's stopping her (we assume) from moving out where she can be rule free.

CGNYC 12-10-2003 12:32 PM

It doesn't matter weather her parents are right or wrong. If she lives there, she can either live by their rules and keep the peace or break their rules and deal with the consequences. Those are the choices.

This is why grown people don't need to be living at home.

naturalt 12-10-2003 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mephisto
Quote:

Originally Posted by curlyroller
actually, i was thinking that just MIGHT be the case. sure, she's 23, but if she's accepting her parents help by living with them, it's only natural to assume there might be conditions. if she doesn't like the conditions, she should get her own apartment and be done with it.

Which is why I add "she probably should move out."

However, "my house, my rules" should NEVER mean that you have to live the entirety of your life by the parents rules... absolutely NOT.

- Don't come home after 11. Okay.
- Don't come home drunk. Okay.
- No BF sleepovers. Okay.
- No unannounced guests. Okay.
- Mow the lawn. Great.
- Take out the trash. Super.
- Do the dishes. Okay.
- Make your bed when you get up in the morning. I can handle.

But "you can't take a vacation?" Get outta dodge. Not in this lifetime. What's next? You can't eat at a certain restaurant? Work at a particular job? Drive a certain car? Hang out with certain friends?

Okay... I'll go on the vacation, and I promise not to have pre-marital sex. HOUSE rules don't extend beyond the HOUSE. And they CERTAINLY should not for someone who is 23-years old.

Parents Options:

1) Trust their daughter.
2) Alienate their daughter, have her move out, go on the same vacation and have the same premarital sex.

:roll:

The "don't come home after 11" rule would apply here, preventing her from going on the vacation ;).

But seriously, I think that the rule is dumb and *I* would not follow it. I'd move out first. But this girl is still living under her parents' roof and she knows how strict they are...what did she expect Abby to say? I do think that Abby could have given her a longer answer, but I don't necessarily think she was dead wrong. If you had an option in this poll of "she's mostly making sense" or "I mostly agree with her" I would have voted for that.

CGNYC 12-10-2003 12:34 PM

You can't choose to be a an adult only when it's easy and convenient. You want to be an adult and go on vacation with your boy friend, you need to be an adult and not live with your parents.

slinky1 12-10-2003 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyGurlyNYC

This is why grown people don't need to be living at home.

Bottom line.

But, we could also assume that this girl can not afford to move out on her own, and has no one else but her bf to room with. In this case, she might be staying home to appease her parents and not move in with her bf. Even if this is true, it is a flimsy excuse for living home at 24.

StephS 12-10-2003 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyGurlyNYC
You can't choose to be a an adult only when it's easy and convenient. You want to be an adult and go on vacation with your boy friend, you need to be an adult and not live with your parents.

Absolutely.

Aya9877 12-10-2003 12:40 PM

My initial reaction was Oh for crying out loud is she off her rocker?

But upon thinking about it further, I would say that while her advice sucks, I agree with what I believe her message to be. This girl is choosing to live with her parents. As was stated earlier, if she doesnt want to abide by the rules, she can move out. Many parents instill similar rules on thier kids within the bounds of their homes. I know a couple that has lived together for 20+ years, but since they are not married, the womans parents do not allow them to sleep in the same room when they visit. Parents can be weird like that.

By inviting a chaperone, it gives the parents a false sense of security that nothing will/can happen. Ignorance is bliss in many cases. Abby didn't say the chaperone had to share a room, or anything like that. Invite a 3rd person to please the parents. Simple enough. If she doesnt like it, then grow up and move out. I think Abby was simply offering ways around the situation that would please the parents. The girl is not looking to start WWIII, and by blatantly going against her parents wishes, that is what she would be doing. Abby simply gave the two options that the parents might accept.

NetG 12-10-2003 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurlyGurlyNYC
You can't choose to be a an adult only when it's easy and convenient. You want to be an adult and go on vacation with your boy friend, you need to be an adult and not live with your parents.

I sort of disagree with you. I do think that, if she wants to live by her own rules, she needs to move out. Period. I think that agrees with your points.

However, I think living with her parents doesn't necessarily mean not being an adult. As a member of the "I lived with my mom to help her pay bills after the divorce" club, I know that at times living with a parent can be a more grown up thing to do, even if it can stink. That said, while living with my mom I was also saving money and bought my own house so I could move out.

I voted that Abby's right. Because, as naturalT said, there wasn't a "sort of" option. Saying something to the effect of what CurlyGurly said above would have been a better answer, I think.

jenNchi 12-10-2003 01:32 PM

I'm confused here. On the one hand, I'm completely behind following your parents's rules when you live at home.

However... if she (I assume it's a she) can't afford to leave home, how is she going to pay to go on this cruise? I realize a cruise would be a one time expense as opposed to paying rent every month, but the young woman describes it as a larger issue. She says her parents limit the amount of time she spends with her boyfriend.

If that's the case, then this young woman has already ceded a great deal of control to her parents. She's either going to have to accept their rules or get her own place.

Abby's advice is right on. The young woman has accepted this degree of parental control, and she'll have to work within her parents's rules. If she likes the boyfriend more, then she should start making other living arrangements.


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