Just a stupid SIL and hair-related rant

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I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
I don't mean to sound petty. This woman is like 19 or 20 years older than I am. It's not a jealousy thing to me at all. When I met her, I really admired her and wanted to like her bc she is an intelligent and accomplished woman.

I just mention that bc she hasn't dated in years. Her last relationship was in the 80s. She doesn't date or have kids and I think she is frustrated by that. And resentful. (I think she was interested in adopting kids at one point but I guess that didn't work out or maybe she changed her mind.)

M2LR and TNB explained exactly what I mean; that she has this weird need to control. And she does it to her other brothers' wives and she tries to parent their kids, too. But it's different in my case for various reasons.

When I've told other people about her, they just say she needs to get laid or maybe I should introduce her to someone.

And I actually tried to fix her up w/ one of my older male friends when I was dating my exhd, but he said no when he saw her pic.

Maybe it's not that relevent but I think she'd be less overinvolved in other people's lives if she had a more satisfying personal life of her own. I could be wrong...

My exhd is never gonna stand up to her now. He wouldn't when we were married so he certainly won't now.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000


It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.

I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.

ANYWAY...

Your story seems to be that your children are coming home (late) with messed up hair. They are in the care of their father during that hair messing up. HE is the one who needs to be addressed. If I were you, I wouldn't give a rat's ass how it happened, but I'd be letting him know it was unacceptable to wreck their hair and make them late for bedtime on a school night and he needs to FIX it. Now. I don't care how. Just get them home on time, with decent hair. Period. What he does with his sister is his own business.
It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
What difference does it make? Color the story. Don't color the story. Who cares? You don't know her and it's tangential to the rant.

I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
That's wonderful for you. But I happen to think it is related to the story bc this particular woman has a very strong interest in "mothering" her neice and nephews, even when she oversteps the real mothers' boundaries. Not just mine, but her other two SILs too.

So, yes, ANYWAY...I know it's really an issue btwn me and my exhd but that doesn't make it any easier to address.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
What difference does it make? Color the story. Don't color the story. Who cares? You don't know her and it's tangential to the rant.

I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
That's wonderful for you. But I happen to think it is related to the story bc this particular woman has a very strong interest in "mothering" her neice and nephews, even when she oversteps the real mothers' boundaries. Not just mine, but her other two SILs too.

So, yes, ANYWAY...I know it's really an issue btwn me and my exhd but that doesn't make it any easier to address.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

The she's-an-ugly-mama-wannabe just makes you look petty. And maybe that pettiness is flavoring your argument with the husband. Perhaps if you back off his sister and just address him, without trying to control what he's doing with the kids and his sister while they're in his care, he'll be more amenable to your request that he take better care of their hair and get them home on time on school nights.

Unless you want to take this hair issue to court, I think trying to get him to cooperate might serve you better.
It just seems really petty to mock on her looks. You probably wouldn't have done that if the situation involved an unattractive male relative. Gods forbid if a woman dares to be ugly...it makes the world hate her. I suspect that you used that descriptor to color your story.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
What difference does it make? Color the story. Don't color the story. Who cares? You don't know her and it's tangential to the rant.

I really try not to judge womens' child status based on my life choice to be a mother. There are many women (many of them here on this board) who are perfectly happy being childfree and it really bothers them that the world seems to want to blame everything about them on that childfree status. It's a very sexist attitude.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
That's wonderful for you. But I happen to think it is related to the story bc this particular woman has a very strong interest in "mothering" her neice and nephews, even when she oversteps the real mothers' boundaries. Not just mine, but her other two SILs too.

So, yes, ANYWAY...I know it's really an issue btwn me and my exhd but that doesn't make it any easier to address.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

The she's-an-ugly-mama-wannabe just makes you look petty. And maybe that pettiness is flavoring your argument with the husband. Perhaps if you back off his sister and just address him, without trying to control what he's doing with the kids and his sister while they're in his care, he'll be more amenable to your request that he take better care of their hair and get them home on time on school nights.

Unless you want to take this hair issue to court, I think trying to get him to cooperate might serve you better.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
There's nothing for me to "back off" of. I haven't mentioned this to my exhd or his sister. Any pettiness I may or may not be engaging in, is limited to this board.

I just talked to my daughter about it twice. The first time I said, "make sure you bring the hair products I gave you with you to auntie's house so she can use them on you."

And the second time, I asked my daughter if her aunt used the producs I gave her. And my daughter said, "I asked her to but she said 'I've been around the block a few times and I know how to wash hair. Just like your mother can wash hair, I can wash hair, too. Those products are for adults; these (hers) are better for you'."

And then my daughter said after her hair was washed, dried and pressed, her aunt said, "See, this is how your hair is supposd to feel."

I haven't brought it up yet to my exhusband. And I have not and probably would not to my SIL bc we haven't spoken in 5 years.

I will probably mention it to him in an email I'm sending to him today about our holiday visitation schedule.

But I'm not holding out much hope...it seems like a fight I can't win...hence the rant/vent here.
The New Black likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 10-11-2012 at 09:42 AM.
I'm not a mother, but I am an "auntie". If my nieces' and nephew's parents asked me not to no certain things I will not do those things. i am not their mother. end of story. Your sil has over stepped her bounds. I'm sorry, but pressing a childs hair who is not your own, when they mother obviously does not, is wrong on so many levels.

I have known a few woman like your SIL. They wanted the family but never got it, so like to have "surrogates". They can be control and go over parents heads to feel like a mother. I think you should go to your husband first. if nothing changes, go to her.
murrrcat likes this.
So is explaining to your daughter that not all elders deserve to be respected at all times completely out of the question? Because I'd be tempted to tell her to fight her aunt when it comes to getting her hair pressed.
Eres o te haces?
So is explaining to your daughter that not all elders deserve to be respected at all times completely out of the question? Because I'd be tempted to tell her to fight her aunt when it comes to getting her hair pressed.
Originally Posted by legends
That might be too much to handle at 8. She would have to be a defiant child to begin with.


I would tell the ugly s-i-l and the ex husband to use your products and not to press her hair OR she won't be allowed to go to aunties house.

I know you can't control what they do on his weekends but if you repeat it they might actually respect mom for once. Keep saying it.

I cringe when A goes to dad and uses shampoo. It makes his hair brittle. I let it go bc he is a boy and I use kinky curly at home. He has stepbrothers so I don't want them to make fun of him carrying a bottle that is pink! I do tell him to use conditioner but god knows what conditioner they have. Actually, I know his dad always uses that conditioner-shampoo in one which is horrible, so I feel your pain.

Pressing her hair when I don't want it, would make me speak up.

Telling the child to speak up works with my stepdaughter. I don't know that her mom is asking her to say so but nobody is blowdrying that hair on her! " It gives me split ends" LOL. It's funny bc she is so serious about it.

Last edited by violets; 10-11-2012 at 09:10 PM.

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