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Old 10-10-2012, 10:56 AM   #1
 
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Default Just a stupid SIL and hair-related rant

The history is that my exhsband has an older sister w/ whom I've NEVER gotten along. (I aways got along fine w/ his brothers and their wives.)

The sister is about 6 years older than my exhusband and never married and never had an kids. She is unattractive and overbearing...probably why she doesn't date, either.

When I met my exhusbnd, he used to take his sister out to the movies every friday night and pay for everything and drive, etc. This had ben going on for years. I always found it odd but I didn't object to it per se, but I did get very annoyed about it on two occasions shortly before we got married.

Things btwn the sister and me got pretty bad and she told him not to marry me and also refused to watch our 3 y/o at the last minute when I went into labor w/ our younger child bc she was mad at me.

Eventually, the tension put distance btwn my exhusband and his sister and they didn't see each other much during the latter part of our marriage.

Now we're divorcing and he and his sister are close again and she is taking an interest in my kids. And I have absolutely no problem w/ that.

Except that she does things to undermine me.

My kids take swimming classes on Sunday evenings. She has asked my exhd to bring them by her house afterward so she can wash their hair. (Not sure why.)

This makes them late coming home and late going to bed but I try to overlook it.

I use Elucence shampoo and conditioner (and Elucence Clarifying for the chlorine) on my daughter and I send some over to my exhd's house, too, so he can use it on her. After years of experimentation, I just find it works the best.

But my former SIL, who has been balding for many years and just shaves her hair off like a man, insists upon using other products on my daughter's hair...and pressing it after the washing.

I've told my daughter to ask her aunt to plz use what I've provided and let it dry naturally (no direct heat).

But my former SIL is telling my daughter that she knows more about hair than I do and that I don't know what hair is supposed to feel like. She says Elucence are "adult" products and therefore inappropriate for her. She is almost 8!!!

IDK what products she is using on my daughter and will not tell my daughter what they are.

I haven't spoken to her in years and we are not on friendly terms, so it's not like I can just nonchallantly call her up and ask her to use the Elucence. I doubt it would be received well.

My daughter has very dry brittle hair and the weekly swimming lessons don't help. So I am trying to baby it w/ the best products I can find. (She has their hair...)

I'm starting to feel violent and assaultive. Someone plz talk me down!!!
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:07 AM   #2
 
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I'm not sure why you can't just ask her to use a certain shampoo. If she doesn't listen and is undermining you in front of your kids, why would you let them see her? I know she's an aunt, but still.
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:18 AM   #3
 
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While it's understandable that this woman wants to maintain a relationship with your kids, there is no need for her to do basic hygiene with them. If she refuses to use the products you provide for your daughter's hair and won't lay off the heat, she doesn't get the right to do her hair anymore. Period. If your daughter's hair gets heat damage or gets extremely brittle, that woman doesn't sound like she'd have a clue on how to nurse it back to health. She can see the kids before they go swimming. Or on Saturday.
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:25 AM   #4
 
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If you don't want to confront her, or don't think it'll go well, I would just tell hubby they are getting home too late on Sundays and need to come straight home after swimming. They can visit with aunty before.


Washing their hair is just weird :lo:
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:26 AM   #5
 
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No. Just no. Your daughter, your rules. Talk to the harpie.
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:37 AM   #6
 
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Sorry, but they're a weird family. They're strangely controlling and vindictive. Maybe the SIL wants to live vicariously through you, since you have what she's never had (marriage and kids). Plus you're pretty, so I can see how she'd be extra jealous. Maybe you should start lowering your expectations of them. Seriously. That way, you won't get as mad when they do something stupid.

As for the hair thing though, if auntie couldn't respect my wishes when I'm being nice enough to let her see my kids to begin with, then I wouldn't let them visit her anymore.
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:51 AM   #7
 
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ITA with telling your ex that they are coming home too late and need to just come home after swimming.

She can make other arragements to see them and she doesn't need to take care of their basic hygiene needs. That just sounds crazy, IMO. she needs to be in control of SOMETHING from what it sounds...

Unfortunately, this means that you need to say something to your ex, take a stand, and make it so she doesn't have that control/choice.
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:00 PM   #8
 
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DP
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:11 PM   #9
 
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I can't prevent her from seeing my kids, unfortunately.

When they are w/ their father, he calls the shots.

I can't prevent her from washing my daughter's hair or using her choice of shampoo.

The idea about telling him they are coming home too late is a good one! That may be my only option.

I don't think she will honor my wishes if I call and ask (that's putting it mildly). I can try but I worry it will lead to a lot of backlash.

Has anyone run into a similar situation?
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:20 PM   #10
 
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Not that situation specifically, but there were times when my MIL would make decisons that I didn't really care for, so I took away the ability for her to NEED to do that by controlling what I or the kids did prior to going to her house...whether it was making sure they were full and didn't get fast food while they were there, etc. or makign sure that they knew that mom still had rules even though they were at grandma's.

It sounds like your SIL is "my way and I don't care what mom has to say" about all of this, which makes it a little more difficult, especially if your ex isn't willing to at least partially work with you on this one. Why he can't tell her, 'You don't need to wash their hair...' is beyond me.

Anyways, i think that in order to avoid confrontation with him or with her, telling him they get home too late is probably the way to go. Especially since it's a Sunday, you can always also blame it on needing to get ready for school Monday, etc. It just makes it easier for everyone/they get a chance to be home and get settled, etc. You realyl could use almost any 'reason' for them needing to be home earlier.

I think I'd also fear your SIL screwing up your daughters hair to the point where it is damaged and costs $$ to try and fix...and she'd likely not help much if you needed to take your daughter to a salon or something, KWIM?
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:28 PM   #11
 
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Originally Posted by M2LR View Post
Not that situation specifically, but there were times when my MIL would make decisons that I didn't really care for, so I took away the ability for her to NEED to do that by controlling what I or the kids did prior to going to her house...whether it was making sure they were full and didn't get fast food while they were there, etc. or makign sure that they knew that mom still had rules even though they were at grandma's.

It sounds like your SIL is "my way and I don't care what mom has to say" about all of this, which makes it a little more difficult, especially if your ex isn't willing to at least partially work with you on this one. Why he can't tell her, 'You don't need to wash their hair...' is beyond me.

Anyways, i think that in order to avoid confrontation with him or with her, telling him they get home too late is probably the way to go. Especially since it's a Sunday, you can always also blame it on needing to get ready for school Monday, etc. It just makes it easier for everyone/they get a chance to be home and get settled, etc. You realyl could use almost any 'reason' for them needing to be home earlier.

I think I'd also fear your SIL screwing up your daughters hair to the point where it is damaged and costs $$ to try and fix...and she'd likely not help much if you needed to take your daughter to a salon or something, KWIM?
So on my wknds, I can tell him it's too late to bring them to her house for hairwashing.

But I have no control over what he does on his wknds.

Yes, I am def worried about her hair getting damaged, what w/ the chlorine, the bad products and the pressing! That is why I am pissed. My exhd and his sister have problem hair (thin all over, balding, slow growing, etc.)
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:40 PM   #12
 
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Can DD wear a bathing cap while swimming to protect her hair? Then would there be a need for her to have it washed afterward?
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:43 PM   #13
 
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I can't prevent her from washing my daughter's hair or using her choice of shampoo.
?
Yeah you can. Send a all the products you use with your little girl. Tell SIL to only use that on your daughter hair.
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Old 10-10-2012, 02:00 PM   #14
 
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Can DD wear a bathing cap while swimming to protect her hair? Then would there be a need for her to have it washed afterward?
I agree with this. You need to remove the need for your SIL to do anything to her hair.

I don't know what your daughters hair type is (I think I remember that you said you were mixed?) but if it's in the 3 - 4 range, you can also braid/twist her hair a la beads, braids, and beyond (http://beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.co...llery.html?m=1). This way, it'll be too much trouble for her to undo the style to wash and press it.
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Old 10-10-2012, 02:12 PM   #15
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by M2LR View Post
Not that situation specifically, but there were times when my MIL would make decisons that I didn't really care for, so I took away the ability for her to NEED to do that by controlling what I or the kids did prior to going to her house...whether it was making sure they were full and didn't get fast food while they were there, etc. or makign sure that they knew that mom still had rules even though they were at grandma's.

It sounds like your SIL is "my way and I don't care what mom has to say" about all of this, which makes it a little more difficult, especially if your ex isn't willing to at least partially work with you on this one. Why he can't tell her, 'You don't need to wash their hair...' is beyond me.

Anyways, i think that in order to avoid confrontation with him or with her, telling him they get home too late is probably the way to go. Especially since it's a Sunday, you can always also blame it on needing to get ready for school Monday, etc. It just makes it easier for everyone/they get a chance to be home and get settled, etc. You realyl could use almost any 'reason' for them needing to be home earlier.

I think I'd also fear your SIL screwing up your daughters hair to the point where it is damaged and costs $$ to try and fix...and she'd likely not help much if you needed to take your daughter to a salon or something, KWIM?
So on my wknds, I can tell him it's too late to bring them to her house for hairwashing.

But I have no control over what he does on his wknds.

Yes, I am def worried about her hair getting damaged, what w/ the chlorine, the bad products and the pressing! That is why I am pissed. My exhd and his sister have problem hair (thin all over, balding, slow growing, etc.)
On his weekends, then you might have more of an issue.

You can send some product with your daughter to his house, but that still won't guarantee that your SIL will use it. I am not sure that there is any way around that, other than your ex stepping up and telling his sister to not wash their hair using her cr@p.

if you're not there, and it's not your weekend, then I really don't know how you'd address it. Even if you get mad, talk to her, talk to him, send product...it still sounds like she's going to do what she wants...if not even do it MORE because she knows it upsets you.

I don't know that you could maybe get your daughter more involved, maybe she could tell her aunt that she likes your shampoo better and to please not use her stuff on her hair? Maybe make it look as though it's your daughter's idea, not yours? (I do this with my kids, "Hey, next time grandma asks you about blah blah blah, please tell her blah blah blah." and they do, and they don't mention that I told them to tell her that). Maybe your daughter can communicate that she doesn't liek the pressing, and likes her hair better when it's dried naturally?

I am sure that there is a way around this, but with the dislike that SIL has for you, I am nto sure how you'd address it without making it worse!
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Old 10-10-2012, 02:33 PM   #16
 
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Quote:
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Can DD wear a bathing cap while swimming to protect her hair? Then would there be a need for her to have it washed afterward?
I agree with this. You need to remove the need for your SIL to do anything to her hair.

I don't know what your daughters hair type is (I think I remember that you said you were mixed?) but if it's in the 3 - 4 range, you can also braid/twist her hair a la beads, braids, and beyond (Beads, Braids and Beyond: Style Gallery). This way, it'll be too much trouble for her to undo the style to wash and press it
.
This sounds like a good solution. What a nightmare and a real power tug-of-war.

Kind of reminds me when I was visiting my grandmother and my dad's sister, whose hair was a different texture from mine, decided that my hair didn't have enough "sheen." And then she proceeded to unload half-a-jar of Ultra Sheen on my head. I looked a hot mess. A greasy hot mess.

But the difference between my situation and your daughter's is that I could wash the grease out. As others have noted, your SIL could do serious damage to your daughter's hair.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:21 PM   #17
 
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I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:28 PM   #18
 
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I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.
I took her post as she also has had beef with the SIL. I've been there myself with both my SILs and my MIL. During that time I probably called them worse things than unattractive. Sometimes a person just needs to vent and it may take a form that doesn't seem relevant to the issue, but I completely can understand why.

Or, maybe it is relevant in that she's using unattractive to mean her SIL doesn't have any hair, doesn't know how to grow/care for hair, and therefore shouldn't be messing with her daughter's hair. JUST KIDDING! lol
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:49 PM   #19
 
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I'm trying to figure out how the SIL being "unattractive" is relevant to this story...

Your beef is with your husband. If you don't like how the kids' hair is being treated, you need to take it up with him. He is the one letting his sister mess up their hair.
I don't mean to sound petty. This woman is like 19 or 20 years older than I am. It's not a jealousy thing to me at all. When I met her, I really admired her and wanted to like her bc she is an intelligent and accomplished woman.

I just mention that bc she hasn't dated in years. Her last relationship was in the 80s. She doesn't date or have kids and I think she is frustrated by that. And resentful. (I think she was interested in adopting kids at one point but I guess that didn't work out or maybe she changed her mind.)

M2LR and TNB explained exactly what I mean; that she has this weird need to control. And she does it to her other brothers' wives and she tries to parent their kids, too. But it's different in my case for various reasons.

When I've told other people about her, they just say she needs to get laid or maybe I should introduce her to someone.

And I actually tried to fix her up w/ one of my older male friends when I was dating my exhd, but he said no when he saw her pic.

Maybe it's not that relevent but I think she'd be less overinvolved in other people's lives if she had a more satisfying personal life of her own. I could be wrong...

My exhd is never gonna stand up to her now. He wouldn't when we were married so he certainly won't now.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:58 PM   #20
 
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[

Maybe it's not that relevent but I think she'd be less overinvolved in other people's lives if she had a more satisfying personal life. I could be wrong...
I had a couple of friends like this. They are slowly becoming eliminated from my life. When I say a person is unattractive, it's also and mainly on the inside.
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