Relationship Help - Recovering GF of a drinker
Ok people, I have sat back and listened to people's advice about a lot of things and being someone studying to be a mental health counselor, I agree I should probably see one, but I will try out some people that may speak from experience first.
I was with a guy for 2 years that drank heavily. It was the only thing that seemed fun to him and once he started he wouldn't stop until be was wasted. Early in the relationship it was fun and lovey dovey drunkenness, but after some time he would come home and tell me he hated me and just be rude. We were together for 2 years before we finally called it off (that's right, I didn't make him leave, we had a fight, we agreed to break up and then he went out, got wasted, and was brought home by the cops for peeing in public...the third time in 2 years the cops were at my house and all were caused by him). We split up coming up on two years now. I used to enjoy going to the bars and getting silly, still to this day I feel uncomfortable.
Now, I'm with a man that adores me and I know would never treat me the way my ex would. He hardly drinks and is an all around better boyfriend....but...he enjoys smoking pot. When we started dating he did it everyday. He cut back because we were always together and he knew it made me uncomfortable (still illegal in my state) so he didn't do it around me. A couple weeks in he started doing it around me so he was back to smoking 3-4 nights a week. We had a fight at one point over it because he didn't want to stop. He has friends that drink a lot so I compared his being high 3-4 nights a week to being drunk 3-4 nights a week and he got it. He is back to not doing it around me and only does it the nights we are apart (2 nights a week). I appreciate that he respects me and is willing to reduce it significantly for me, but even just him saying he got high or joking about how he ate a whole block of cheese when he was high last night and feels awful, makes my stomach turn. Feelings of fear, dread and discomfort hits me just like my ex's mention of going out drinking did.
So somehow, I feel like I should at least be able to hear about my boyfriend getting high without feeling sick to my stomach. It's something he enjoys and he thinks of it like a hobby (which also bothers me because if someone told me drinking was their hobby I would find that unhealthy and not ok). I have never smoked pot or anything else and I have no intention to. When it becomes legalized in my state I tho I I could be ok with it if people treated it like alcohol (not cigarettes) and did it at parties or on the weekend. But even then, I could have a beer on the weekend watching football and if he smoked a joint in the same amount of time he would be high and no longer sober so it's still different there.
Does anyone have any advice that could help me get past this? I don't think I'm wrong for not liking it (was the "sober" sidekick for too long) but wish I could just hear about it and not want to puke. He respects me enough to not do it around me, but I feel bad that I can't even hear about it. HELP!! Thanks.
Smoking refer and drinking heavily are dealbreakers for me. They just are; people can try to defend them all they want, but it won't change my opinion. I have dated potheads and drunks and I, myself, have drunk and blazed myself unconscious, but I don't anymore, and I don't want to be around it and I don't want to be w/ a man who has a dependency and/or who needs to be in an altered mental state.
And being in recovery isn't much better IMO.
But not sure what to tell you. Hugs. Does he know how much this is bothering you?
I dated an alcoholic for a couple of years, it is hard to get past it. I know for me now I'm hyper aware of people drinking (it wasn't until I moved in with him that I realized just how bad it was and subsequently how much he'd been lying and hiding) . My radar will probably always be on high alert. I'm okay with that (to be clear I'm not the alcohol police I am just more aware of patterns of behavior).
All of that being said, I would not get involved with someone who had a dependency like that again. In addition, I'm looking for someone to be a partner in my life and there are few professionals I know who smoke that much weed. In my field, one random drug search, failed urine test, whatever, your job is gone. Why would I want to be involved with someone who chooses risky illegal behavior on a continual basis?
ETA - you are studying to be a counselor, what would you tell a client who is getting involved with men who have dependency issues? Maybe research this from a learning perspective for yourself (ie what would you say to a client) and perhaps you will be able to see it from a different perspective
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Wait - to the OP, are you saying you are in recovery? If so, I def wouldn't mess around w/ someone else who uses.
Spiderlashes - I don't think OP has a substance abuse problem.
I think you should start distancing yourself from him, unless he is willing to get help. He is a user. If he were a casual social weed smoker (like 3-4 times a year) or drinker, that would be different. Also with pot being illegal and American drug laws being overkill, you jeopardize your future being around him.
Honestly, if I were you, I would seek counseling to change your behavior of seeking needy men with substance issues. I'm not being snarky. Why are you putting his issues above your needs? If his smoking makes you uncomfortable, that is your gut sending you a signal that you're better off without him.
I've been through my share of men. If there's one thing I've learned: You cannot fix an addict.
A man who is smoking dope several times a week is an addict.
And I agree with SL5000...someone in recovery isn't much better. You cannot keep them fixed either.
I'll never waste another moment of my life dealing with an addict.
I'd show him the door.
And next time, I'd look for a man who isn't an addict, or an ex-addict.
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