Would you date...? Would you marry...?

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My last boyfriend was from Mexico. He asked me to marry him and I even went to an attorney to see about making him legal. It would have cost me over $5000 to get him here legally. I wanted him to come illegally and that we work out his legality after he got here.

We didn't marry. I realized that I was making a terrible mistake.

I had illegal family members here. They all paid taxes and worked hard. They have all been legalized over the years.

I'm still trying to figure out how anyone can say absolutely no so easily. And the reasons I'm coming up with don't sit well with me. Then again, I am very sensitive to the subject.
Originally Posted by Curlyminx
I thought I was the only one who kind of winced once or twice reading this thread.
Originally Posted by Saria
Definitely not the only one.
Layali, curlyarca, Amneris and 3 others like this.


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I'd never do it just to get someone legal status. We'd get found out in a second. If I fell in love with someone, sure I would date him. And if marriage was something we wanted, I'd go through with that as well.

I feel the need to add this:

http://www.pslweb.org/liberationnews...migration.html

http://thinkprogress.org/security/20...ric/?mobile=wp

Responses and links here:
http://dreamactnow.tumblr.com/post/4...-paid-11-2b-in
I was married to a legal, non-citizen, immigrant. The difficulties and expense of that were enough (though his being an Arab born Muslim didn't help as we were married during the 9/11 fallout). I can't imagine taking on the ones of someone classified as being here illegally.
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I was married to a legal, non-citizen, immigrant. The difficulties and expense of that were enough (though his being an Arab born Muslim didn't help as we were married during the 9/11 fallout). I can't imagine taking on the ones of someone classified as being here illegally.
Originally Posted by redcelticcurls
Perfectly understandable, and I certainly wasn't referring to anything you said as being what made me uncomfortable.
Well, I was pretty straightforward with my no. I figured I should elaborate.

I hadn't thought of people born here of illegal aliens (is there a better phrase?) perhaps because it's less common in the age range of men that I would be dating. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation as far as marriage.
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Med/Coarse, porous curly.
If he was here illegally....no. No matter my feelings about him romantically, I don't think I would trust him. That's just me.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
I think this what disturbed people. I don't see how trust is related. O wells, unfortunately it's not uncommon.

Not that they don't want to get a green card...but they will never be permitted to get one.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I am not that familiar with the laws but in the U.S. why would one not be able to after marriage unless they are a criminal and not allowed to stay? In that case, no it would be very hard. You are always worrying about deportation on some level and hiding. I guess you'd have to be mad crazy in love and be willing to move out of country if the love was that strong. I never say never..(looking at my situation now lol).
Originally Posted by Josephine
I guess it's at the discretion of the INS, but if you once had a legal visa, you have a much better chance of being given amnesty. But if you just came over w/o ever any documentation, you have less of a chance. And if you came here illegally before, were caught and deported and then came back illegally again, you have basically no chance.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Is it still called INS? Thought it was called something else now...

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I wouldn't do it. I don't see it as a given that an illegal alien would be given status after marrying. Heck my brother was in the US legally and he and his American wife were given the gears when they were interviewed for his green card application.

I know families that have been torn apart by deportation. I know I couldn't handle that level of uncertainty in planning my life with someone.


15 to 20 years ago, probably, but only if I sincerely loved him. I have met many men from other countries that I wouldn't have minded sincerely loving.

At this point, with someone here illegally, that is a huge negatory. I am not even considering being fired from my job for ANY man.

With that said... if he were here on a visa, I had the opportunity to spend much time with him, and fell in love with him... Absolutely!! Cause I would do anything for love but I won't do that (see 2nd paragraph). No I won't do that.

*please take no offense to me or meatloaf. sincerely, it would be different issue for me at this point in my life*
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 12-19-2012 at 11:59 PM.

I am not that familiar with the laws but in the U.S. why would one not be able to after marriage unless they are a criminal and not allowed to stay? In that case, no it would be very hard. You are always worrying about deportation on some level and hiding. I guess you'd have to be mad crazy in love and be willing to move out of country if the love was that strong. I never say never..(looking at my situation now lol).
Originally Posted by Josephine
I guess it's at the discretion of the INS, but if you once had a legal visa, you have a much better chance of being given amnesty. But if you just came over w/o ever any documentation, you have less of a chance. And if you came here illegally before, were caught and deported and then came back illegally again, you have basically no chance.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Is it still called INS? Thought it was called something else now...
Originally Posted by curlyarca
It's ICE. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

Would it matter if the person's staus was such that even after you married him/her, the person would never get a green card or citizenship?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

To your original question, absolutely yes I would if I loved the person and who they were and was certain they weren't using me for citizenship. People are illegal for many reasons. Some, like springcurl's son in law, are brought by their parents and have little control. Others are fleeing for their lives or fleeing extreme poverty. If someone could come from those circumstances and become a person I'd be interested in with the appropriate attributes/credentials etc. they would be a remarkable and interesting person. Some of my ancestors were illegal immigrants - I don't like how immigration is restricted and illegals are stigmatized today when we look at the facts of how the new world was built.

If they would never get citizenship, I am not sure I would marry them, because this would leave our family life at constant threat of disruption if they could be deported or denied certain rights. I would not want to have children in such circumstances and I would not get married without knowing children were an option.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Brief side note: I met so many interesting and remarkable people, while working at H&R Block, who were here on visas. They were horrified about returning home. Most from Russia were scared they would never see their tax refund check. The mail trucks carrying them were often stopped and robbed. I always felt so horrible for them.

On a brighter note, many others who came here to work have fallen in love, married, and remained.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

Living in Canada, I would work through it for the right person. Living in the US though, the system is too messed up to go through that.
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
Is the process a lot easier in Canada? Maybe I should be looking for a Canadian husband. All the US ones have gone down the chute...why not? I could handle living up there. Except maybe the Northern Territories.
Originally Posted by SunshineGrrl
I don't know that it's easier, but definitely faster. I know a few couples (one married an American, the other a Jamaican) and things seemed to come together rather easily.

We have very good friends in the States that have just been going through a nightmare of a time trying to get the husband legalized (not sure if that's the right term!)

This is all just from an outsider looking in though, so actually doing it may be another issue!
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
Are you talking about illegals though, or just foreigners? I think it is a little easier to get citizenship "legitimately" as a non-citizen in Canada than in the US, but it is a pretty dire situation here if you are illegal. The rhetoric is a little different in the US (though that is changing) but illegals here don't have that different of a situation than they do in the US.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











My last boyfriend was from Mexico. He asked me to marry him and I even went to an attorney to see about making him legal. It would have cost me over $5000 to get him here legally. I wanted him to come illegally and that we work out his legality after he got here.

We didn't marry. I realized that I was making a terrible mistake.

I had illegal family members here. They all paid taxes and worked hard. They have all been legalized over the years.

I'm still trying to figure out how anyone can say absolutely no so easily. And the reasons I'm coming up with don't sit well with me. Then again, I am very sensitive to the subject.
Originally Posted by Curlyminx
I thought I was the only one who kind of winced once or twice reading this thread.
Originally Posted by Saria
I'm having difficulty with this thread as well. Growing up some of my best friends were "illegal". I guess things in Miami are different than in other areas of the Nation, but I've never asked someone if they're here legally. I wouldn't marry someone, I don't know, solely to help them become legal, but it wouldn't stop me from forming a relationship and falling in love.
curlyarca and Curlyminx like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poodlehead
Ah, it all makes sense now. Goldy is the puppet master!
If he was here illegally....no. No matter my feelings about him romantically, I don't think I would trust him. That's just me.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
I think this what disturbed people. I don't see how trust is related. O wells, unfortunately it's not uncommon.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I think the trust issue is that the citizen would wonder if the person is marrying them for love, or just marrying them for citizen. I don't see the trust issue as particularly unique-- I'm sure most rich people are concerned if people are marrying them for love or just for the money, for example.

Personally, I would hesitate to seriously date anyone who's future didn't align with what I see for my future. If he's likely to need to move back to his home country, or unlike to be able to have a career, because of his immigration a status then I would have a problem with it. It's not the immigration status itself thats a problem, it's IF that status would limit our life and happiness together. I imagine in some cases things would be worked out easily, and others not so much.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
Well, I was pretty straightforward with my no. I figured I should elaborate.

I hadn't thought of people born here of illegal aliens (is there a better phrase?) perhaps because it's less common in the age range of men that I would be dating. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation as far as marriage.
Originally Posted by redcelticcurls

Undocumented immigrants.

Calling people "illegals" is actually pretty offensive as you thought when typing that but without a different term to use. "No, you're not legal" sounds a bit like "you should have never been born." Their immigration status may not be legally validated, but their existence itself isn't illegal.
curlyarca, Amneris and Curlyminx like this.
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But at least the pews never attend yoga!
Undocumented immigrants.

Calling people "illegals" is actually pretty offensive as you thought when typing that but without a different term to use. "No, you're not legal" sounds a bit like "you should have never been born." Their immigration status may not be legally validated, but their existence itself isn't illegal.
Originally Posted by NetG
I feel the same way about the terminology; hence my " " around the word when first used in my response. I much prefer undocumented immigrant.
curlyarca and Amneris like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poodlehead
Ah, it all makes sense now. Goldy is the puppet master!
Well, I was pretty straightforward with my no. I figured I should elaborate.

I hadn't thought of people born here of illegal aliens (is there a better phrase?) perhaps because it's less common in the age range of men that I would be dating. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation as far as marriage.
Originally Posted by redcelticcurls

Undocumented immigrants.

Calling people "illegals" is actually pretty offensive as you thought when typing that but without a different term to use. "No, you're not legal" sounds a bit like "you should have never been born." Their immigration status may not be legally validated, but their existence itself isn't illegal.
Originally Posted by NetG
Thanks! That sounds better.
Kiva! Microfinance works.

Med/Coarse, porous curly.
If he was here illegally....no. No matter my feelings about him romantically, I don't think I would trust him. That's just me.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
I think this what disturbed people. I don't see how trust is related. O wells, unfortunately it's not uncommon.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I think the trust issue is that the citizen would wonder if the person is marrying them for love, or just marrying them for citizen. I don't see the trust issue as particularly unique-- I'm sure most rich people are concerned if people are marrying them for love or just for the money, for example.

Personally, I would hesitate to seriously date anyone who's future didn't align with what I see for my future. If he's likely to need to move back to his home country, or unlike to be able to have a career, because of his immigration a status then I would have a problem with it. It's not the immigration status itself thats a problem, it's IF that status would limit our life and happiness together. I imagine in some cases things would be worked out easily, and others not so much.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
Okay well that trust part is a given, you always wonder if someone is marrying you for alterior motives or not. I thought she was referring to something else.

I agree with the second paragraph. Like I said I would have to mad crazy in love to take a risk like that.
Curlyminx likes this.
But the trust issue was mentioned specific to illegal immigrants - or, undocumented immigrants as I also prefer.

People marry other people "for" something all the time - for their money, for their looks, for children, for status, for their race..... You're always going to have to make sure that the person is sincere.

Not "trusting" someone implies that a person is dishonest or underhanded. I don't think that someone who enters a country without papers is automatically a dishonest or untrustworthy person.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











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