Would you be okay with this?

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he "snuck off" to coffee with me last night. She won't meet me, and according to my ex, she doesn't trust women since her last BF cheated. Whatever.
I'm just frustrated. I support their relationship, give him advice, etc, yet if she ever met me she would be a total B to me.

I'm over it, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable by thinking him and I could maintain a friendship.
Originally Posted by Narnia
Bold #1: Sneaking off is a good reason not to be trusted.

Bold #2: She doesn't trust women? No, it's the man she doesn't trust. If she doesn't understand that, she'll never be able to trust him. In the past relationship, the man was the problem, not the woman he cheated with. Why do women do this???
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^ I don't always get that myself. Often the other woman does not even know.

It would be a different situation if the woman he cheated with was a close friend or relative who knew about your relationship and how much you loved him. Yeah, I've had that happen. I was livid at both but even more so at her because she was supposed to be my good friend. Guys come and go but...

I do think sometimes women end up in a situation like that and have a harder time trusting other women but you really do have to look at it based on the individual situation.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

he "snuck off" to coffee with me last night. She won't meet me, and according to my ex, she doesn't trust women since her last BF cheated. Whatever.
I'm just frustrated. I support their relationship, give him advice, etc, yet if she ever met me she would be a total B to me.

I'm over it, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable by thinking him and I could maintain a friendship.
Originally Posted by Narnia

Bold #2: She doesn't trust women? No, it's the man she doesn't trust. If she doesn't understand that, she'll never be able to trust him. In the past relationship, the man was the problem, not the woman he cheated with. Why do women do this???
Originally Posted by KurlyKae
Yea, I guess she doesn't understand it. When he told me that, I questioned it too, but apparently that is what she has said. *shrug*

And yea, we are still friends even though he cheated. Colour me crazy, but I'm okay with being his friend, without getting into the details.
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^ I don't always get that myself. Often the other woman does not even know.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
True statement. I was the person the guy was cheating with and I had no clue. He told me he was getting divorced and they were just waiting for the court date or something. I can't remember, it was long ago and all I heard was "we'll be divorced soon." He took me over to his house for a little fun and games one day. He mentioned his current-soon-to-be-ex wife had broken her ankle at the fair (I think). But when I was leaving (it was my lunch break, so only a little fooling around happened), I happened to notice her purse on the piano. She was still living there. That was enough to call everything quits for me. I will not put up with that. It's supremely unfair to both of us, but especially the one he's currently with. I had no idea he was still with her until that moment and the minute I found out, it was beyond over.

It was an extremely bad judgement call on my part. I will not under any circumstances date anybody who is "separated." Show me the divorce papers, then we can discuss dating.

Still...despite his (the previous guy's) shady goings on, I would not have a problem with a SO who still sees his ex. As long as it was just a friendship. And I would want to meet her. I feel like a SO deserves trust until proven unworthy of it. The minute they prove unworthy of it, what's the good in being together? If I cannot trust someone, the relationship kind of goes down the tube. I'm willing to make the commitment to fix it, but he has to prove himself worthy of the trust after that.

I suppose it would be easy to "not trust women" because he pulled that garbage, but she wasn't the one who was keeping secrets and lying. It was him and all him. We're both adults (he better be an adult or I have worse problems than infidelity), he needs to be held accountable for his decisions and don't pass that blame to someone who likely had no clue what was going on, on either side (whether you were the one cheated on or the one they were cheating with).
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Hell no. Thankfully bf feels the same way I do as he does on all important matters so far .
It really depends on the people involved. Some people can remain friends with exes, some can't - and shouldn't. If he "snuck" off to meet with anyone, especially an ex, I'd be livid!
Originally Posted by The New Black
She would be.
That's for him to evaluate I guess.
Originally Posted by Narnia
True. But be aware that by sneaking off and telling you (especially if he laughed or joked or complained) your exbf is guilty of treating the current gf rather disrespectfully and compromising the intimate bond they are supposed to share WITH YOU.

Be careful.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yep he definitely doesn't sound that into her.
I wouldn't necessarily trust his version of why his girlfriend doesn't want him seeing you.
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No.

I too am thankful that my boyfriend feels the same way.

eta: Your ex sounds shifty. I am not sure why you'd want to maintain a friendship with anybody like that but hey- to each her own.
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Last edited by LAwoman; 12-26-2012 at 01:41 PM.
No.

I too am thankful that my boyfriend feels the same way.

eta: Your ex sounds shifty. I am not sure why you'd want to maintain a friendship with anybody like that but hey- to each her own.
Originally Posted by LAwoman

I obviously don't know the guy so it's not like I can defend him, personally. But sometimes ppl don't make a good mate but they can be a fun drinking buddy or not a good parent but a great spouse or not the best travel companion but a wonderful sex partner, etc.
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No.

I too am thankful that my boyfriend feels the same way.

eta: Your ex sounds shifty. I am not sure why you'd want to maintain a friendship with anybody like that but hey- to each her own.
Originally Posted by LAwoman

I obviously don't know the guy so it's not like I can defend him, personally. But sometimes ppl don't make a good mate but they can be a fun drinking buddy or not a good parent but a great spouse or not the best travel companion but a wonderful sex partner, etc.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yeah, I mean it's not like we are close-see-each other all the time kind of friends. I don't tell him my intimate details, and he doesn't really either. The advice I give him is really not about their intimate details. We don't talk about that stuff. It's more like deployment/army related stuff. I went through the ringer with him because he tried out for and got accepted to special forces when we were together. It's mainly like "hey if you would've done XYZ differently, it would've helped me" type advice, so he knows maybe do/don't do that with her.

The friendship is definitely more beneficial to him. Maybe it is shady (okay, it probably IS shady), but he feels a connection/bond with me, and there are times where he is feeling down about things (almost always work related), and because I'm the only person he ever went through that with, he calls me to discuss/vent because he knows I'm the only one that will understand. It is infrequent though. In the last 7 months he has called three times, and then we also went to coffee the other night.

She knows we talk over text, and she isn't excited about it, but it is what it is. She has no reason to be upset that we speak, and no boundaries are ever crossed between us. I would love to meet her, but she is insecure and doesn't want to like me. Fair enough, just don't understand why - which is why I asked the original question. I wasn't sure if I was being ignorant to think that exes could be friends when they are now in other relationships.
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Last edited by Narnia; 12-26-2012 at 10:41 PM.
Lol you went and had coffee with him and think there's nothing shady on his end, especially him knowing his gf is not even cool with you guys talking? Yes you're definitely ignorant in this case!
Lol you went and had coffee with him and think there's nothing shady on his end, especially him knowing his gf is not even cool with you guys talking? Yes you're definitely ignorant in this case!
Originally Posted by Josephine
The consensus seemed to be that it wasn't ignorant and that people are friends with their exes and are okay with their SO's being friends with their exes too. So, no, I am not ignorant. It seems like a reasonable thing to be friends with an ex.
Sorry if my friendship with him steps on your toes
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
Well, to be fair Narnia, my SO tells me when he's going out with his ex.

And if I did have a problem with him going for some reason and he went anyway and didn't tell me, that would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. Even if it was a completely platonic outing.

You cannot equate the general situation you initially brought up with the situation you are now describing. They're fundamentally different.

That he has a history of cheating is hugely relevant. That he cheated on you and you cannot empathize with his current GF is ... a bit odd to me.

Perhaps the better question here is: do you have a responsibility to his GF in this situation? Honestly, I'm not sure you do. You haven't really done anything wrong.

If it were me, though, I still think I would speak to him about it. Kind of call him on his ****, how he's not respecting his GF's wishes. That, again, is what friends do.
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Last edited by wild~hair; 12-27-2012 at 03:12 AM.
If it was a sexual relationship then neither I nor my SO would be OK with us still seeing these people, even once a year. We've discussed this at length at the beginning of our relationship because he knew I had several friends with benefits and 2 were ex's. It was a little sad to have to end the friendships, but I do understand his feelings and I would feel the same way. I think it really is what each of you agree with. It should either be mutual or at least respect each others feelings.
My husband and I both maintain friendships with ex's. However we are totally upfront and honest about it. I would never meet a man who had to sneak to meet me. That would be lowering myself, imo about me only, not judging you or anyone else; it's just how I'd feel about myself. He can either be friends with me in a manner that totally respects me or he can move along. I don't need friends who don't respect their SO or me. No thanks. I don't need the negativity or ickiness or bad karma.

I have a few men friends. My closest friend is a man. No sneaking required. Would I be friends with someone who treated me poorly? Oh hell naw. Why waste my energy? I don't need to be friends with everyone. Period.
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So, most of you would be fine with your SO hanging out with a woman who he had once been intimate (sexual) with? I have trouble wrapping my head around that. It's not that I would worry about them getting back together or my SO still wanting to be intimate, but it would still bother me. I know my SO feels the same. My SO has many female friends, most of whom he does business with. I have no problem with him hanging out with them, because I know there was never any intimacy with them. There is one who I really like and I found out after the fact that they did go out a couple of times and made out, but both decided they didn't want to get involved. The only thing that bothered me about that is that I didn't know that before hand. I have a good male friend and we've never even kissed, so my SO isn't bothered about our friendship. They are actually planning on playing golf together after the holidays.
So, most of you would be fine with your SO hanging out with a woman who he had once been intimate (sexual) with? I have trouble wrapping my head around that. It's not that I would worry about them getting back together or my SO still wanting to be intimate, but it would still bother me. I know my SO feels the same. My SO has many female friends, most of whom he does business with. I have no problem with him hanging out with them, because I know there was never any intimacy with them. There is one who I really like and I found out after the fact that they did go out a couple of times and made out, but both decided they didn't want to get involved. The only thing that bothered me about that is that I didn't know that before hand. I have a good male friend and we've never even kissed, so my SO isn't bothered about our friendship. They are actually planning on playing golf together after the holidays.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
I just don't believe in trying to limit my man's movements or trying to keep him on a short leash so he doesn't cheat on me or look at other women or whatever.

Either a man is trustworthy and honorable or he is not.

I either feel his commitment to me is genuine or I don't.

I just find it petty to have all these rules about where we each can go and to whom we each can speak, etc.

If there is something specific I feel uncomfortable about regarding any of his friends or acquaintences, then we'll have to address it. But other than that, he is grown and so am I and if either one is going to cheat or flirt or fantasize or whatever, it's going to happen regardless of whatever little rule someone creates.

The key is finding someone who just doesn't want to do that.

eta - I didn't mean to imply that you (Lotsa) are petty. I just mean for ME, it would feel cumbersome and innatural to have a bunch of rules. After the initial comment, "just so you know, I do have a few male friends blahblahblah," I wouldn't want lots of rules and agreements regarding what each of us can and cannot do. I would trust him to honor our relationship in the same manner that he would trust me to honor it...until he gave me reason not to. If he is d-bag, then he will be one whether or not I make him promise that he will never speak to this person or that person.)
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Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 12-27-2012 at 09:48 AM.
PS - I did not sleep with everyone I dated; neither did my husband. Apparently we are in the minority in that respect.
Unless I missed something, you met your ex for coffee in a public place, not for sex in a hotel room, so I see nothing wrong with it. If he feels he has to sneak out because of his girlfriend's insecurity, that's strictly their issue not yours.
One of my exes has a girlfriend like that and when he stops to see me at my office every once in awhile, I know she doesn't know about it. It has nothing to do with me and I don't worry about what she does or doesn't know.
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Lol you went and had coffee with him and think there's nothing shady on his end, especially him knowing his gf is not even cool with you guys talking? Yes you're definitely ignorant in this case!
Originally Posted by Josephine
The consensus seemed to be that it wasn't ignorant and that people are friends with their exes and are okay with their SO's being friends with their exes too. So, no, I am not ignorant. It seems like a reasonable thing to be friends with an ex.
Sorry if my friendship with him steps on your toes
Originally Posted by Narnia
No it doesn't, why would I care lol? You asked a question and I'm answering. You don't have to agree. The consensus was that it's okay to be friends as long as all parties are okay with it. But I don't think anyone is okay with their SO sneaking off to have coffee with an ex or anyone they are not comfortable with. That's sorta common sense..I thought.

If his current gf is too demanding for him, he should break it off with her. Lying and going behind someone's back is not the answer. But given that he cheated on you, it seems like that is in his nature and it is what it is. Although for me, if a guy was sneaking to see me, I probably would just let the friendship go, especially if he was complaining to me about it, seems like too much drama.

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