Would you be okay with this?

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PS - I did not sleep with everyone I dated; neither did my husband. Apparently we are in the minority in that respect.
Originally Posted by goldencurly
Um I most certainly did not.

However, this question references an "ex." To me, that implies an ex-boyfriend.

I would consider somebody an actual "boyfriend" if I had a long-term, exclusive, relationship with them. And if I was in love with them. So yes, in these scenarios, sex was involved.

I certainly don't consider all the many randos I dated for a month or 2 an "ex." Do most people?
So, most of you would be fine with your SO hanging out with a woman who he had once been intimate (sexual) with? I have trouble wrapping my head around that. It's not that I would worry about them getting back together or my SO still wanting to be intimate, but it would still bother me. I know my SO feels the same. My SO has many female friends, most of whom he does business with. I have no problem with him hanging out with them, because I know there was never any intimacy with them. There is one who I really like and I found out after the fact that they did go out a couple of times and made out, but both decided they didn't want to get involved. The only thing that bothered me about that is that I didn't know that before hand. I have a good male friend and we've never even kissed, so my SO isn't bothered about our friendship. They are actually planning on playing golf together after the holidays.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
I just don't believe in trying to limit my man's movements or trying to keep him on a short leash so he doesn't cheat on me or look at other women or whatever.

Either a man is trustworthy and honorable or he is not.

I either feel his commitment to me is genuine or I don't.

I just find it petty to have all these rules about where we each can go and to whom we each can speak, etc.

If there is something specific I feel uncomfortable about regarding any of his friends or acquaintences, then we'll have to address it. But other than that, he is grown and so am I and if either one is going to cheat or flirt or fantasize or whatever, it's going to happen regardless of whatever little rule someone creates.

The key is finding someone who just doesn't want to do that.

eta - I didn't mean to imply that you (Lotsa) are petty. I just mean for ME, it would feel cumbersome and innatural to have a bunch of rules. After the initial comment, "just so you know, I do have a few male friends blahblahblah," I wouldn't want lots of rules and agreements regarding what each of us can and cannot do. I would trust him to honor our relationship in the same manner that he would trust me to honor it...until he gave me reason not to. If he is d-bag, then he will be one whether or not I make him promise that he will never speak to this person or that person.)
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
My SO & I see it as more of respecting each other than not trusting each other. That's just the way we feel. No offense to anyone else who feels differently.

Goldy, I hope you don't think I was insinuating that you have slept with everyone you dated. I wasn't and I wouldn't have a problem with my SO being friends with someone he only dated for a while with no sex involved.
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PS - I did not sleep with everyone I dated; neither did my husband. Apparently we are in the minority in that respect.
Originally Posted by goldencurly
Um I most certainly did not.

However, this question references an "ex." To me, that implies an ex-boyfriend.

I would consider somebody an actual "boyfriend" if I had a long-term, exclusive, relationship with them. And if I was in love with them. So yes, in these scenarios, sex was involved.

I certainly don't consider all the many randos I dated for a month or 2 an "ex." Do most people?
Originally Posted by LAwoman
I don't think so, but current bf told me he wouldnt be comfortable with me keeping touch with those short term guys either. I feel the same way and was so relieved that he did too. I think it's cool that other people are okay with it and wish I could be sometimes but I'm not and I'm okay with that. Somethings you realize about yourself that are just not going to change.
Well, to be fair Narnia, my SO tells me when he's going out with his ex.

And if I did have a problem with him going for some reason and he went anyway and didn't tell me, that would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. Even if it was a completely platonic outing.

You cannot equate the general situation you initially brought up with the situation you are now describing. They're fundamentally different.

That he has a history of cheating is hugely relevant. That he cheated on you and you cannot empathize with his current GF is ... a bit odd to me.

Perhaps the better question here is: do you have a responsibility to his GF in this situation? Honestly, I'm not sure you do. You haven't really done anything wrong.

If it were me, though, I still think I would speak to him about it. Kind of call him on his ****, how he's not respecting his GF's wishes. That, again, is what friends do.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
It's not fundamentally different. As I already said, I met up with him under the impression that she was in the know. When we got there, about an hour in is when I realized she didn't (she travels for work and wasn't in town). I did call him on it. I didn't come here to ask if it's okay that he did that. Again, as I said, he did this to me and it was a problem in our relationship.
That said, I never gave him a reason to lie about it. I never took issue with them having a friendship, he just chose to lie about it. In this case, nothing was hidden when I posed the question so no, I don't think it's unreasonable. And as bad as it sounds, she shouldn't have an issue with it anyways, and if she's gonna be a B about nothing, then too bad, so sad if he's gonna come meet me for coffee or lunch or whatever.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
Lol you went and had coffee with him and think there's nothing shady on his end, especially him knowing his gf is not even cool with you guys talking? Yes you're definitely ignorant in this case!
Originally Posted by Josephine
The consensus seemed to be that it wasn't ignorant and that people are friends with their exes and are okay with their SO's being friends with their exes too. So, no, I am not ignorant. It seems like a reasonable thing to be friends with an ex.
Sorry if my friendship with him steps on your toes
Originally Posted by Narnia
No it doesn't, why would I care lol? You asked a question and I'm answering. You don't have to agree. The consensus was that it's okay to be friends as long as all parties are okay with it. But I don't think anyone is okay with their SO sneaking off to have coffee with an ex or anyone they are not comfortable with. That's sorta common sense..I thought.

If his current gf is too demanding for him, he should break it off with her. Lying and going behind someone's back is not the answer. But given that he cheated on you, it seems like that is in his nature and it is what it is. Although for me, if a guy was sneaking to see me, I probably would just let the friendship go, especially if he was complaining to me about it, seems like too much drama.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I didn't ask that question. So read the thread, and the OP, then come back and join the conversation of you feel it's necessary.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
I wasn't sure if I was being ignorant to think that exes could be friends when they are now in other relationships.
Originally Posted by Narnia
Actually I was just responding to this and the coffee sneaking situation. Either way, it's a newsgroup and I posted my opinion on something that was posted in this conversation(wether you asked or not) .

Anyways, I'm sorry you're so offended by my comment and opinion. You can just ignore it, it's really not that serious.
I wasn't sure if I was being ignorant to think that exes could be friends when they are now in other relationships.
Originally Posted by Narnia
Actually I was just responding to this and the coffee sneaking situation. Either way, it's a newsgroup and I posted my opinion on something that was posted in this conversation(wether you asked or not) .

Anyways, I'm sorry you're so offended by my comment and opinion. You can just ignore it, it's really not that serious.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I was a bit, yea. I'm not ignorant enough to believe that is okay, and I said that twice. I didn't ask, yet you called me ignorant over something I am not ignorant about.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
Narnia, it seems you've asked a simple question, and gotten some pretty simple answers.

Then you added some detail that made the situation seem not so simple.

I'm OK with my SO meeting up with an ex. But how can I be OK with something I know nothing about? I cannot.

This thread is starting to feel like a bait and switch!

If you didn't want us to consider the GF's POV in this particular situation, you should have left out how he deceived her.

If you didn't want us to consider his past with you, you should have left out that bit.

So basically, you could have just stuck with your OP and left it at that.

Basically, if you mention stuff, we're going to comment on it. You know how it works.

Your response to me gave me pause. Are you sure you don't feel some guilt here? You seem highly reactive to fairly innocuous posts about this situation. You seem defensive, which is confusing because you keep insisting your conscience is clear. You insist you support their relationship, then you insinuate the GF can go kick rocks for all you care. You seem conflicted.

You probably don't like me now, but oh well. This is what I'm seeing.
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Last edited by wild~hair; 12-28-2012 at 02:58 AM.
Narnia, it seems you've asked a simple question, and gotten some pretty simple answers.

Then you added some detail that made the situation seem not so simple.

I'm OK with my SO meeting up with an ex. But how can I be OK with something I know nothing about? I cannot.

This thread is starting to feel like a bait and switch!

If you didn't want us to consider the GF's POV in this particular situation, you should have left out how he deceived her.

If you didn't want us to consider his past with you, you should have left out that bit.

So basically, you could have just stuck with your OP and left it at that.

Basically, if you mention stuff, we're going to comment on it. You know how it works.

Your response to me gave me pause. Are you sure you don't feel some guilt here? You seem highly reactive to fairly innocuous posts about this situation. You seem defensive, which is confusing because you keep insisting your conscience is clear. You insist you support their relationship, then you insinuate the GF can go kick rocks for all you care. You seem conflicted.

You probably don't like me now, but oh well. This is what I'm seeing.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
I don't think she baited and switched bc the the ex's new gf had an objection to their friendship long before the ex snuck out to meet her for coffee.

The secret coffee mtg was a nonissue when the gf objected. (And the question is about the general objection to the friendship.)

Narnia wasn't aware the ex was going to sneak out and said she expressed her disapproval of the sneaking both to him and to us.

But then she is called ignorant and criticized for wanting to remain on friendly terms w/ the guy...I don't think narnia is the one getting defensive. (I think it's just a touchy issue for some ppl.)
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Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 12-28-2012 at 07:56 AM.
But then she is called ignorant and criticized for wanting to remain on friendly terms w/ the guy...I don't think narnia is the one getting defensive. (I think it's just a touchy issue for some ppl.)
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
To be clear I wasn't criticizing. Who cares what the gf thinks unless you want to respect the relationship and/or the gf. She doesn't have a responsibility to do so, it's his problem, not hers. She does seem to be getting defensive about this. We all do stuff that others might not do, so what.

Most people here have said they have no issue if the bf is friendly with exes, but I have met many that feel the way I do and it's not that weird. I do think it's ignorant(which is not such a bad word geez) to think that one can always be friends with the ex and there will be no issues. It's not really a foreign concept.

Bottom line is if it's so important to be friends with this dude, then go ahead. Gf doesn't like it, that's life. He'll have to deal with the consequences. Either way it probably won't last long.
Narnia, it seems you've asked a simple question, and gotten some pretty simple answers.

Then you added some detail that made the situation seem not so simple.

I'm OK with my SO meeting up with an ex. But how can I be OK with something I know nothing about? I cannot.

This thread is starting to feel like a bait and switch!

If you didn't want us to consider the GF's POV in this particular situation, you should have left out how he deceived her.

If you didn't want us to consider his past with you, you should have left out that bit.

So basically, you could have just stuck with your OP and left it at that.

Basically, if you mention stuff, we're going to comment on it. You know how it works.

Your response to me gave me pause. Are you sure you don't feel some guilt here? You seem highly reactive to fairly innocuous posts about this situation. You seem defensive, which is confusing because you keep insisting your conscience is clear. You insist you support their relationship, then you insinuate the GF can go kick rocks for all you care. You seem conflicted.

You probably don't like me now, but oh well. This is what I'm seeing.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
I've said over and over in every reply that I DID NOT KNOW AT THE TIME I ASKED THE QUESTION. I don't need people to tell me that sneaking around for coffee is wrong.

Do I feel guilty? No, not at all. Not my problem. I'm single. I know what he's like and that's why I'm not with him - she will have to learn that lesson. But that doesn't mean I have disdain for her. I wish she would be okay with it, sure, but if she's not, they will have to deal with that. Like I said I won't be seeing him anymore so it's no longer relevant. I support them being together because I don't have my own vendetta going on here, but sure, she can go "kick rocks" and I wouldn't care about that either. In fact, it's probably to her benefit to do so!

Thanks spiderlashes, that is what I'm trying to say.

Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..

I don't dislike you wildhair, I can separate the issues!
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

Last edited by Narnia; 12-28-2012 at 11:11 AM.
Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..
Originally Posted by Narnia
Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
he "snuck off" to coffee with me last night. She won't meet me, and according to my ex, she doesn't trust women since her last BF cheated. Whatever.
I'm just frustrated. I support their relationship, give him advice, etc, yet if she ever met me she would be a total B to me.

I'm over it, I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable by thinking him and I could maintain a friendship.
Originally Posted by Narnia
Bold #1: Sneaking off is a good reason not to be trusted.

Bold #2: She doesn't trust women? No, it's the man she doesn't trust. If she doesn't understand that, she'll never be able to trust him. In the past relationship, the man was the problem, not the woman he cheated with. Why do women do this???
Originally Posted by KurlyKae
+1 especially to #2. I don't get women sometimes. The man is the one who betrayed your trust not the woman who he cheated with whom you never ever met. Maybe if the other woman was one of your close friends.
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Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..
Originally Posted by Narnia
Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.
Originally Posted by The New Black
Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.

To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?

Last edited by coilynapp; 12-28-2012 at 12:17 PM.
Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..
Originally Posted by Narnia
Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.
Originally Posted by The New Black
Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.

To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?
Originally Posted by coilynapp
I'd say it's because he doesn't want to rock the boat with his new GF. But I don't think that's it. I think it's just his personality/character to be sneaky.

ETA: I don't know the guy, but that's how it sounds to me.
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..
Originally Posted by Narnia
Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.
Originally Posted by The New Black
Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.
Originally Posted by coilynapp
Men, relationships, weightloss, work, family, pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing, weddings, money, clothing, sex, religion, race relations, body image, shower curtains, lunch meat, plastic forks...
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..
Originally Posted by Narnia
Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.
Originally Posted by The New Black
Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.

To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?
Originally Posted by coilynapp
Agreed. There's some reason that he wanted to see me, and she wasn't okay with it, so he came anyways.
But it is his personality, and he did it to me, will do it to her again, and will do it to the next girl if there is a next girl.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?
Originally Posted by coilynapp
Because his current gf doesn't like it. And yes he doesn't want to rock the boat with her by just telling her that's the way it's going to be. Also it's probably not a totally innocent thing on his part(ie, theres always some attraction from the male with male/female friendship although most women refuse to believe this for whatever reason).

Last edited by Josephine; 12-28-2012 at 12:35 PM.

Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.
Originally Posted by The New Black
Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.
Originally Posted by coilynapp
Men, relationships, weightloss, work, family, pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing, weddings, money, clothing, sex, religion, race relations, body image, shower curtains, lunch meat, plastic forks...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Don't forget sandwiches (Crustables) and cars (PT cruisers).
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..
Originally Posted by Narnia
Sorry I wasn't clear, sometimes I assume some things are understood. I know you know that it's not right to be sneaking off. I was referring to the overall situation. The fact that he did sneak off means that in this case he shouldn't be friends with an ex if that's what it would have to come to. Or find a new gf that's okay with it. But it seems like he likes to be shady.

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