PS - I did not sleep with everyone I dated; neither did my husband. Apparently we are in the minority in that respect.

I just don't believe in trying to limit my man's movements or trying to keep him on a short leash so he doesn't cheat on me or look at other women or whatever.

Either a man is trustworthy and honorable or he is not.

I either feel his commitment to me is genuine or I don't.

I just find it petty to have all these rules about where we each can go and to whom we each can speak, etc.

If there is something specific I feel uncomfortable about regarding any of his friends or acquaintences, then we'll have to address it. But other than that, he is grown and so am I and if either one is going to cheat or flirt or fantasize or whatever, it's going to happen regardless of whatever little rule someone creates.

The key is finding someone who just doesn't want to do that.

eta - I didn't mean to imply that you (Lotsa) are petty. I just mean for ME, it would feel cumbersome and innatural to have a bunch of rules. After the initial comment, "just so you know, I do have a few male friends blahblahblah," I wouldn't want lots of rules and agreements regarding what each of us can and cannot do. I would trust him to honor our relationship in the same manner that he would trust me to honor it...until he gave me reason not to. If he is d-bag, then he will be one whether or not I make him promise that he will never speak to this person or that person.)

Um I most certainly did not.

However, this question references an "ex." To me, that implies an ex-boyfriend.

I would consider somebody an actual "boyfriend" if I had a long-term, exclusive, relationship with them. And if I was in love with them. So yes, in these scenarios, sex was involved.

I certainly don't consider all the many randos I dated for a month or 2 an "ex." Do most people?

Well, to be fair Narnia, my SO tells me when he's going out with his ex.

And if I did have a problem with him going for some reason and he went anyway and didn't tell me, that would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. Even if it was a completely platonic outing.

You cannot equate the general situation you initially brought up with the situation you are now describing. They're fundamentally different.

That he has a history of cheating is hugely relevant. That he cheated on you and you cannot empathize with his current GF is ... a bit odd to me.

Perhaps the better question here is: do you have a responsibility to his GF in this situation? Honestly, I'm not sure you do. You haven't really done anything wrong.

If it were me, though, I still think I would speak to him about it. Kind of call him on his ****, how he's not respecting his GF's wishes. That, again, is what friends do.

No it doesn't, why would I care lol? You asked a question and I'm answering. You don't have to agree. The consensus was that it's okay to be friends as long as all parties are okay with it. But I don't think anyone is okay with their SO sneaking off to have coffee with an ex or anyone they are not comfortable with. That's sorta common sense..I thought.

If his current gf is too demanding for him, he should break it off with her. Lying and going behind someone's back is not the answer. But given that he cheated on you, it seems like that is in his nature and it is what it is. Although for me, if a guy was sneaking to see me, I probably would just let the friendship go, especially if he was complaining to me about it, seems like too much drama.

I wasn't sure if I was being ignorant to think that exes could be friends when they are now in other relationships.

Actually I was just responding to this and the coffee sneaking situation. Either way, it's a newsgroup and I posted my opinion on something that was posted in this conversation(wether you asked or not) .

Anyways, I'm sorry you're so offended by my comment and opinion. You can just ignore it, it's really not that serious.

Narnia, it seems you've asked a simple question, and gotten some pretty simple answers.

Then you added some detail that made the situation seem not so simple.

I'm OK with my SO meeting up with an ex. But how can I be OK with something I know nothing about? I cannot.

This thread is starting to feel like a bait and switch!

If you didn't want us to consider the GF's POV in this particular situation, you should have left out how he deceived her.

If you didn't want us to consider his past with you, you should have left out that bit.

So basically, you could have just stuck with your OP and left it at that.

Basically, if you mention stuff, we're going to comment on it. You know how it works.

Your response to me gave me pause. Are you sure you don't feel some guilt here? You seem highly reactive to fairly innocuous posts about this situation. You seem defensive, which is confusing because you keep insisting your conscience is clear. You insist you support their relationship, then you insinuate the GF can go kick rocks for all you care. You seem conflicted.

You probably don't like me now, but oh well. This is what I'm seeing.

But then she is called ignorant and criticized for wanting to remain on friendly terms w/ the guy...I don't think narnia is the one getting defensive. (I think it's just a touchy issue for some ppl.)

Narnia, it seems you've asked a simple question, and gotten some pretty simple answers.

Then you added some detail that made the situation seem not so simple.

I'm OK with my SO meeting up with an ex. But how can I be OK with something I know nothing about? I cannot.

This thread is starting to feel like a bait and switch!

If you didn't want us to consider the GF's POV in this particular situation, you should have left out how he deceived her.

If you didn't want us to consider his past with you, you should have left out that bit.

So basically, you could have just stuck with your OP and left it at that.

Basically, if you mention stuff, we're going to comment on it. You know how it works.

Your response to me gave me pause. Are you sure you don't feel some guilt here? You seem highly reactive to fairly innocuous posts about this situation. You seem defensive, which is confusing because you keep insisting your conscience is clear. You insist you support their relationship, then you insinuate the GF can go kick rocks for all you care. You seem conflicted.

You probably don't like me now, but oh well. This is what I'm seeing.

Every time I start a personal thread I feel like I have to defend myself, yea. I do know how it works and every time, I find myself wondering okay is what I'm writing not getting read here? The responses almost always deviate from the original question or issue. In this case, I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..

Bold #1: Sneaking off is a good reason not to be trusted.

Bold #2: She doesn't trust women? No, it's the man she doesn't trust. If she doesn't understand that, she'll never be able to trust him. In the past relationship, the man was the problem, not the woman he cheated with. Why do women do this???

Agreed. That's how it is here on nc.com. I was just discussing this with someone else recently.

Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.

To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?

Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.

Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.

To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?

To the OP I think that he needs to stop sneaking. I mean really. If he has nothing to hide (and its clear that he doesn't at least from your end) why is he sneaking?

Men, relationships, weightloss, work, family, pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing, weddings, money, clothing, sex, religion, race relations, body image, shower curtains, lunch meat, plastic forks...

I don't recall ever asking if it was okay to sneak off with an ex for coffee and not tell the GF. So what am I missing..