Would you be okay with this?

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Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.
Originally Posted by coilynapp
Men, relationships, weightloss, work, family, pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing, weddings, money, clothing, sex, religion, race relations, body image, shower curtains, lunch meat, plastic forks...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Don't forget sandwiches (Crustables) and cars (PT cruisers).
Originally Posted by The New Black
And who could forget: dog breeds, ear piecing, circumcision, dancing w/ male relatives, how you wash your crotch and whether or not one must shower after a work out?

But I digress...I guess in the interest of being totally aboveboard and showing the new gf some female solidarity, if and when the exbf calls next, the OP should agree to meet him only under the condition that he has notified the gf first.
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Men, relationships, weightloss, work, family, pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing, weddings, money, clothing, sex, religion, race relations, body image, shower curtains, lunch meat, plastic forks...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Don't forget sandwiches (Crustables) and cars (PT cruisers).
Originally Posted by The New Black
And who could forget: dog breeds, ear piecing, circumcision, dancing w/ male relativeshow you wash your crotch and whether or not one must shower after a work out?

But I digress...I guess in the interest of being totally aboveboard and showing the new gf some female solidarity, if and when the exbf calls next, the OP should agree to meet him only under the condition that he has notified the gf first.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
LOL @ bolded

Yea I will as I have done before. Like I said, I refused to meet with him last time he was in town because he told me she would be mad. This time, I thought she knew, then he told me she didn't once we had already met up.
Not really doing it for female solidarity, but, as I told him the first time "I'm doing this because I wish the girl you cheated with would've done this for me."
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
No I am not okay with my SO spending time with an ex. I see no reason to spend time with any other man one on one, just as I don't see any reason for him to spend time with another woman.

That's just how I feel. If he didn't respect that then we wouldn't be right for each other.


I've had a guys who would hang out with me and lie to their girlfriend because their girlfriend would get mad and jealous. The guy was usually trying to 'get' me somehow (in bed, as a girlfriend...) and I didn't mind that he was lying bc I thought I was one up on the girlfriend and felt better than them bc I was part of this secret the boyfriend was keeping from them. It is highly deceitful. Truthfully he IS putting other things before the girlfriends feelings and that does not make a decent person.

I don't do that anymore and a few years ago I eventually stopped being friends with an ex who was a longtime friend but snuck around with me behind his girlfriends back.


To me it has nothing to do with trust. Trust or no trust, things happen. That's how people develop feelings for eachother. By spending time with one another. And you may trust that your SO won't act on an indiscretion. What do you except them to do if they've developed actual feelings for eachother? I see no reason to put myself in the line of fire like that. To me that's just an obvious first in staying faithful to your partner.


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Last edited by iroc; 12-28-2012 at 06:40 PM.

Yes. I've witnessed personal threads become attacks on the OP especially when it comes to men and relationships. Best to be prepared for an onslaught and many people jump to conclusions.
Originally Posted by coilynapp
Men, relationships, weightloss, work, family, pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing, weddings, money, clothing, sex, religion, race relations, body image, shower curtains, lunch meat, plastic forks...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Don't forget sandwiches (Crustables) and cars (PT cruisers).
Originally Posted by The New Black
LOL. But it's true. So many OPs end up battling in their threads!


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For me it depends on the nature of their friendship and if I am able to put a decent amount of trust in both of them. There is usually nothing wrong with men and women being friends but in some instances a line can be crossed and if there was sex involved it can make things uncomfortable for some people. It depends on the people involved and what their intentions are in the friendship. I meet couples everyday who are dealing with trust and fidelity issues so if your relationship isn't in a good place and you haven't worked out the kinks ( if that is what you choose to do) then it isn't a good idea to bring exs into the equation.

Personally I trust my husband and I would be okay with him being friends with an ex if I knew her and felt comfortable with their friendship, but for me and my husband our past relationships didn't work out for a reason and we don't have any contact with those people anymore, this works best for us and has never been an issue. I also think if you are going to have a friendship with an ex you should make sure your SO is okay with it, if it makes things uncomfortable and causes trouble even if it is innocent then you have to decide if its worth potentially putting your relationship in jeopardy. Whether you are comfortable with it or not your feelings do matter and need to be considered, you decide what you want and what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship regardless of the opinions of others.

Sometimes you need a clean break to move on, and if there are any outstanding issues between you and an ex they shouldn't be brought into a new relationship.

If it is going to work everyone has to be up front about the relationship, there should be no hiding things or doubt.
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Last edited by Ericachristina; 12-28-2012 at 06:19 PM.
I have no issue with exes being friends and getting together. I get together with some exes.

They are exes for a reason. There's no more reason to fear two exes will get back together than there is to think a heterosexual person will get together with a boss, or co-worker, or any other person of the opposite sex they have frequent interactions with. Men and women work together, socialize together, cross each others paths all the time, and this thinking that "men can't help themselves and can't control thinking about sex with the women they pal around with unless they're really ugly" or "men and women can't be friends" is just really sexist and outdated.

Without trust, a relationship is worthless.

Plus to me, when people are just dating, not engaged, not married, not common law, they don't have the same claims as spouses and shouldn't try to enforce them, in my opinion. Dating allows you to determine if you want to move forward to a greater commitment, but you aren't there yet and are entitled to exit if you want to or to consider other options and then exit.

In terms of this guy, the OP isn't responsible for his past cheating or the insecurities of his current GF. I don't think she has to get involved in other peoples' relationships by cutting off a friend who cheats or lies to their GF, etc. It's none of her business and she doesn't have the full story and has no obligation to become involved.
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Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











Thank you to the last three posters - those responses helped me put things in perspective.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
No I am not okay with my SO spending time with an ex. I see no reason to spend time with any other man one on one, just as I don't see any reason for him to spend time with another woman.

That's just how I feel. If he didn't respect that then we wouldn't be right for each other.

You're entitled to feel that way, but there are plenty of hypothetical reasons to spend time with another man one on one. What if you are both working on a project that requires you to put your heads together frequently, for example?


I've had a guys who would hang out with me and lie to their girlfriend because their girlfriend would get mad and jealous. The guy was usually trying to 'get' me somehow (in bed, as a girlfriend...) and I didn't mind that he was lying bc I thought I was one up on the girlfriend and felt better than them bc I was part of this secret the boyfriend was keeping from them. It is highly deceitful. Truthfully he IS putting other things before the girlfriends feelings and that does not make a decent person.

But that type of situation is not necessarily the norm. In this case, you and the guys this happened with had impure motives and both you and them seem to have insecurity issues you were trying to alleviate by getting attention from the opposite sex. If that is what's going on, it's a problem, but it isn't necessarily the dynamic in every male-female friendship. The lying is the problem, not the opposite-sex friendship.

I don't do that anymore and a few years ago I eventually stopped being friends with an ex who was a longtime friend but snuck around with me behind his girlfriends back.


To me it has nothing to do with trust. Trust or no trust, things happen. That's how people develop feelings for eachother. By spending time with one another. And you may trust that your SO won't act on an indiscretion. What do you except them to do if they've developed actual feelings for eachother? I see no reason to put myself in the line of fire like that. To me that's just an obvious first in staying faithful to your partner.


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Originally Posted by iroc
I think it has everything to do with trust. If you truly trust someone, you trust that things WON'T happen. I don't really believe that "things happen" and that is one of the biggest copouts out there. We are human beings, not machines. Things happen when people allow them to happen or refuse to control themselves or to think about the people they have made vows to.

What do I expect someone to do if they've developed actual feelings for someone? To deal with it like a big boy, put as much distance as they can between them, control themself etc. But we're talking about exes here who have been long-time friends. They had their chance to act on their feelings. They did and it didn't work out and they moved on.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











We will have to agree to disagree.

Controlling your actions or not, I don't want my partner developing feelings for another person. I don't feel like that is always possible. Most of my boyfriends developed from friends who I spent a lot of time with. I think spending time frequently alone with another person is opening up for the possibility of developing feelings. I dont think people in monogamous relationships should be putting themselves out there to chance it or test their, or their partners trust and control.

Again, I know others will disagree. We've had these conversations before. But if my SO wanted to spend time alone, getting to know other women, I would suggest he stay single.

Maybe I'm more jealous or possessive. So be it. I will look for a partner who respects that.


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Don't forget sandwiches (Crustables) and cars (PT cruisers).
Originally Posted by The New Black
And who could forget: dog breeds, ear piecing, circumcision, dancing w/ male relativeshow you wash your crotch and whether or not one must shower after a work out?

But I digress...I guess in the interest of being totally aboveboard and showing the new gf some female solidarity, if and when the exbf calls next, the OP should agree to meet him only under the condition that he has notified the gf first.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
LOL @ bolded

Yea I will as I have done before. Like I said, I refused to meet with him last time he was in town because he told me she would be mad. This time, I thought she knew, then he told me she didn't once we had already met up.
Not really doing it for female solidarity, but, as I told him the first time "I'm doing this because I wish the girl you cheated with would've done this for me."
Originally Posted by Narnia
I think thats a good reason.

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We will have to agree to disagree.

Controlling your actions or not, I don't want my partner developing feelings for another person. I don't feel like that is always possible. Most of my boyfriends developed from friends who I spent a lot of time with. I think spending time frequently alone with another person is opening up for the possibility of developing feelings. I dont think people in monogamous relationships should be putting themselves out there to chance it or test their, or their partners trust and control.

Again, I know others will disagree. We've had these conversations before. But if my SO wanted to spend time alone, getting to know other women, I would suggest he stay single.

Maybe I'm more jealous or possessive. So be it. I will look for a partner who respects that.


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using CurlTalk App
Originally Posted by iroc
And how exactly do you plan to control what feelings your partner does or does not develop? He can develop feelings for people he sees any time, unless you keep him on a leash and do not allow him to have time to himself at work, with friends and family or anywhere else.
Nej likes this.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











We will have to agree to disagree.

Controlling your actions or not, I don't want my partner developing feelings for another person. I don't feel like that is always possible. Most of my boyfriends developed from friends who I spent a lot of time with. I think spending time frequently alone with another person is opening up for the possibility of developing feelings. I dont think people in monogamous relationships should be putting themselves out there to chance it or test their, or their partners trust and control.

Again, I know others will disagree. We've had these conversations before. But if my SO wanted to spend time alone, getting to know other women, I would suggest he stay single.

Maybe I'm more jealous or possessive. So be it. I will look for a partner who respects that.


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Originally Posted by iroc
And how exactly do you plan to control what feelings your partner does or does not develop? He can develop feelings for people he sees any time, unless you keep him on a leash and do not allow him to have time to himself at work, with friends and family or anywhere else.
Originally Posted by Amneris

Anyone can develop feelings anytime, absolutely. Which is why I dont see it necessary to put yourself in the line of fire of practically 'dating' situations.

Its an intimate setting I dont think should be entered into. Work, grocery shopping, group situations - these are not personal intimate settings where you are just conversing one on one.


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We will have to agree to disagree.

Controlling your actions or not, I don't want my partner developing feelings for another person. I don't feel like that is always possible. Most of my boyfriends developed from friends who I spent a lot of time with. I think spending time frequently alone with another person is opening up for the possibility of developing feelings. I dont think people in monogamous relationships should be putting themselves out there to chance it or test their, or their partners trust and control.

Again, I know others will disagree. We've had these conversations before. But if my SO wanted to spend time alone, getting to know other women, I would suggest he stay single.

Maybe I'm more jealous or possessive. So be it. I will look for a partner who respects that.


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using CurlTalk App
Originally Posted by iroc
And how exactly do you plan to control what feelings your partner does or does not develop? He can develop feelings for people he sees any time, unless you keep him on a leash and do not allow him to have time to himself at work, with friends and family or anywhere else.
Originally Posted by Amneris

Anyone can develop feelings anytime, absolutely. Which is why I dont see it necessary to put yourself in the line of fire of practically 'dating' situations.

Its an intimate setting I dont think should be entered into. Work, grocery shopping, group situations - these are not personal intimate settings where you are just conversing one on one.


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Originally Posted by iroc
I have worked late on a case, just me and a male superior, and we've gotten food and even booze and had conversations about personal stuff while we did it, but still managed to respect our respective marriage vows.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











And just in case I was misunderstood a few posts above, I was saying that even if you can control your actions, you cant control feelings that develop.

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And how exactly do you plan to control what feelings your partner does or does not develop? He can develop feelings for people he sees any time, unless you keep him on a leash and do not allow him to have time to himself at work, with friends and family or anywhere else.
Originally Posted by Amneris

Anyone can develop feelings anytime, absolutely. Which is why I dont see it necessary to put yourself in the line of fire of practically 'dating' situations.

Its an intimate setting I dont think should be entered into. Work, grocery shopping, group situations - these are not personal intimate settings where you are just conversing one on one.


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Originally Posted by iroc
I have worked late on a case, just me and a male superior, and we've gotten food and even booze and had conversations about personal stuff while we did it, but still managed to respect our respective marriage vows.
Originally Posted by Amneris
I've made the bad judgement of driving home after having too much to drink. I didnt get into an accident, I made it home safe.

That doesnt mean its a safe thing to practice.


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Anyone can develop feelings anytime, absolutely. Which is why I dont see it necessary to put yourself in the line of fire of practically 'dating' situations.

Its an intimate setting I dont think should be entered into. Work, grocery shopping, group situations - these are not personal intimate settings where you are just conversing one on one.


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using CurlTalk App
Originally Posted by iroc
I have worked late on a case, just me and a male superior, and we've gotten food and even booze and had conversations about personal stuff while we did it, but still managed to respect our respective marriage vows.
Originally Posted by Amneris
I've made the bad judgement of driving home after having too much to drink. I didnt get into an accident, I made it home safe.

That doesnt mean its a safe thing to practice.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
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Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali












I have worked late on a case, just me and a male superior, and we've gotten food and even booze and had conversations about personal stuff while we did it, but still managed to respect our respective marriage vows.
Originally Posted by Amneris
I've made the bad judgement of driving home after having too much to drink. I didnt get into an accident, I made it home safe.

That doesnt mean its a safe thing to practice.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
Originally Posted by Amneris

I dont know what this has to do with the topic in discussion. I thought we were talking about if you're comfortable with your partner continuing to be friends with an ex and choosing to spend time together alone socially. - Not in a group - Not a work situation. I am responding to that.

I never said you made bad judgement by working your job. I dont know where you'd get that.

I'm not going to entertain the usual NC game of twisting words around and jumping to conclusions. I am comfortable with my feelings and I think I was clear in my explanation.


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It's the specifics between two people that make it a good or bad idea, not the sex/gender of the two.

Personally, if my partner had platonic female relationships that made me uncomfortable it's probably not a relationship I would want to be in. If there's trust then I TRUST my partner will handle it appropriately if anything inappropriate should happen. I have no control over them, and I have tons of platonic male friends that I am not in a relationship with for a reason. There are so many more factors that influence being in a relationship/developing feelings with someone than just penis + vagina. My ex hated when I hung out with them, but it had everything to do with his own insecurity and control issues.
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My ex was extremely controlling and he didn't have an issue with me having and hanging out with male friends. Bf is not controlling at all, and I think he'd try to act okay with it, but I think deep down it would bother him.

Its a non issue though. I spent most of my life having mostly male friends. At this point I prefer to spend my time with women and save my male relationships for romantic ones.

I cant think of a male friendship that didn't include at least some sexual innuendo, joking around, flirting, or hitting on me (a work environment wouldnt involve that whereas a social environment may). I'm tired of it and not interested. I dont think its funny. Its boring.


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Wow, that stinks. I've only ever had an acquaintance keep joking about sexual stuff with me and that was uncomfortable enough! (In a friend context, I mean...as much as I wish I could make dudes who aren't my friends not harass me, I haven't met a wizard who could teach me that power.) It would make me so uncomfortable for a friend to be directing sexual innuendo at me and hitting on me all the time, I seriously doubt that friendship would last, or have started in the first place - it definitely wouldn't have gotten to the point where I'd call him a close friend. I would also find it weird to be flirting with a friend. No way would I feel as safe and relaxed as I do with my male and female friends if that sort of thing were going on. It would be like I had expectations put on me or something.
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