Would you be okay with this?

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I cant think of a male friendship that didn't include at least some sexual innuendo, joking around, flirting, or hitting on me (a work environment wouldnt involve that whereas a social environment may). I'm tired of it and not interested. I dont think its funny. Its boring.


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Originally Posted by iroc
I have to agree with the last post. Some of my best friends are men and one of them includes my close friends BF. There has never been an sexual innuendo or flirting. Some male "friends" I've had in the past have done that but they're more acquaintances and obviously once a line was crossed I knew they weren't friends.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

I have worked late on a case, just me and a male superior, and we've gotten food and even booze and had conversations about personal stuff while we did it, but still managed to respect our respective marriage vows.
Originally Posted by Amneris
I've made the bad judgement of driving home after having too much to drink. I didnt get into an accident, I made it home safe.

That doesnt mean its a safe thing to practice.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
Originally Posted by Amneris

I have to totally disagree w/ this. Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.

Anytime there is the smallest of cracks in the foundation of a relationship, trouble can slip in.

You may have perfectly innocent, noble intentions one day and the next day you may find yourself in the midst of an affair...at least an emotional one.

But a person isn't any more likely to get into such a situation w/ an exbf than anyone else IMO. I think the exbf is probably less of a threat bc there is no novelty, we actually know his flaws and we don't tend to idealize exbfs as much as casual acquaintences.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Wow, that stinks. I've only ever had an acquaintance keep joking about sexual stuff with me and that was uncomfortable enough! (In a friend context, I mean...as much as I wish I could make dudes who aren't my friends not harass me, I haven't met a wizard who could teach me that power.) It would make me so uncomfortable for a friend to be directing sexual innuendo at me and hitting on me all the time, I seriously doubt that friendship would last, or have started in the first place - it definitely wouldn't have gotten to the point where I'd call him a close friend. I would also find it weird to be flirting with a friend. No way would I feel as safe and relaxed as I do with my male and female friends if that sort of thing were going on. It would be like I had expectations put on me or something.
Originally Posted by wild_sasparilla
Yes, it stinks. Unfortunately many men feel that theyre entitled to make comments when in the company of attractive women, or well endowed women. Being voluptuous makes you appear sexual even when you have no intention of coming across that way. People feel comfortable commenting and sexualizing you in conversation. Its made me insecure and screwed with my self esteem over the years.

It would be easy to say I need new friends, but its not narrowed down to one group of people.

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I've made the bad judgement of driving home after having too much to drink. I didnt get into an accident, I made it home safe.

That doesnt mean its a safe thing to practice.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
Originally Posted by Amneris

I have to totally disagree w/ this. Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.

Anytime there is the smallest of cracks in the foundation of a relationship, trouble can slip in.

You may have perfectly innocent, noble intentions one day and the next day you may find yourself in the midst of an affair...at least an emotional one.

But a person isn't any more likely to get into such a situation w/ an exbf than anyone else IMO. I think the exbf is probably less of a threat bc there is no novelty, we actually know his flaws and we don't tend to idealize exbfs as much as casual acquaintences.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I don't think you "find yourself in the midst of an affair", though. You (general) make choices that put you there. I'm also not sure I agree with the concept of an "emotional affair", but that's a whole other discussion.

I agree that there need to be cracks in a relationship before an affair can happen or seem like a viable possibility. So the focus of couples should be keeping the relationship strong and working on weaknesses, not hunting for people to be suspicious of.

I agree about the fact that there is less likelihood of an ex seeming attractive.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali












Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
Originally Posted by Amneris

I have to totally disagree w/ this. Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.

Anytime there is the smallest of cracks in the foundation of a relationship, trouble can slip in.

You may have perfectly innocent, noble intentions one day and the next day you may find yourself in the midst of an affair...at least an emotional one.

But a person isn't any more likely to get into such a situation w/ an exbf than anyone else IMO. I think the exbf is probably less of a threat bc there is no novelty, we actually know his flaws and we don't tend to idealize exbfs as much as casual acquaintences.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I don't think you "find yourself in the midst of an affair", though. You (general) make choices that put you there. I'm also not sure I agree with the concept of an "emotional affair", but that's a whole other discussion.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Sometimes it begins so quickly and the adrenaline rush is so strong, there is barely any time or ability to think or actively make choices beforehand. But yes, you do choose to continue it after the fact...(however, the damage may already be done).

Not sure what else you would call a situation where people are mutually infatuated and connected but not sexually involved...

Yes, ppl def need to focus on keeping their relationships strong and mutually fulfilling. Not on trying to limit the movements and thoughts of each other IMO. (That often backfires.)
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 12-31-2012 at 08:38 AM.

I've made the bad judgement of driving home after having too much to drink. I didnt get into an accident, I made it home safe.

That doesnt mean its a safe thing to practice.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
Originally Posted by Amneris

I have to totally disagree w/ this. Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.

Anytime there is the smallest of cracks in the foundation of a relationship, trouble can slip in.

You may have perfectly innocent, noble intentions one day and the next day you may find yourself in the midst of an affair...at least an emotional one.

But a person isn't any more likely to get into such a situation w/ an exbf than anyone else IMO. I think the exbf is probably less of a threat bc there is no novelty, we actually know his flaws and we don't tend to idealize exbfs as much as casual acquaintences.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree except I think the situation with an ex is different for everyone. For some, including myself, the attraction for an ex could be rekindled and obviously there were positive things about this person which made you attracted to him in the first place, and of course familiarity.

Yeah, but driving while intoxicated is illegal, and can cost you or others their lives and have tragic consequences for several families.

I don't think that doing what needs to be done to get your work done and provide for your family is in any way comparable to something that can cost multiple lives and get you thrown in jail.

Neither me nor my co-workers/bosses are willing to risk our jobs over "feelings" either, for that matter. I don't think it is "bad judgment" to work hard at your assignments, and the odd evening alone with a man doesn't change that.
Originally Posted by Amneris

I have to totally disagree w/ this. Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.

Anytime there is the smallest of cracks in the foundation of a relationship, trouble can slip in.

You may have perfectly innocent, noble intentions one day and the next day you may find yourself in the midst of an affair...at least an emotional one.

But a person isn't any more likely to get into such a situation w/ an exbf than anyone else IMO. I think the exbf is probably less of a threat bc there is no novelty, we actually know his flaws and we don't tend to idealize exbfs as much as casual acquaintences.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree except I think the situation with an ex is different for everyone. For some, including myself, the attraction for an ex could be rekindled and obviously there were positive things about this person which made you attracted to him in the first place, and of course familiarity.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Definitey possible the ex could be a threat for some ppl. Just not for me...I know mine too well! LOL
Josephine likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I agree that affairs dont just happen. That you make choices that put you there. And I feel that going out to dinner or coffee, or otherwise spending time alone with another person is making choices that open yourself up to that possibility.

I dont know how one cannot understand the concept of an emotional affair. Giving yourself to another does not just occur during sex.


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Josephine likes this.
I agree that affairs dont just happen. That you make choices that put you there. And I feel that going out to dinner or coffee, or otherwise spending time alone with another person is making choices that open yourself up to that possibility.

I dont know how one cannot understand the concept of an emotional affair. Giving yourself to another does not just occur during sex.


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Originally Posted by iroc
But sometimes the choice is totally innocent.

Could be a late night at the office working together. A study date. An offer to drive someone home. Sure, I can help you patch that hole in your wall, etc.

You two lock eyes and it's on and poppin.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It happened to you, but you're just one person. One person’s experiences [or two people’s, since iroc agrees with you on this] do not support the assertion that this is universal experience, as you do here.

[This absolutist tack you’re taking is reminding me of some other thread recently. Hmmm, which could it be … ]

Now you can go ahead and respond about how you're just expressing your opinion, that's what these boards are for, blah, blah, blah, but the thing is, you're wording it like your experience is the norm and it must be true for everyone. But it's not.

If you didn't intend it to come across that way, feel free to let us all know.




So basically I take it, SL and iroc, you both fear you will cheat on your SO’s? Is that what you're saying?

Because just as you both know yourselves, and know how these things work and all that, I know myself too. It's pretty simple: I don't cheat on people I'm dating. Never have, never will. That's why I don't fear hanging out with men as friends, at work or what-have-you. I trust myself and am confident it's not an issue.

I guess it's good if you fear you will slip up, to take measures against that. That makes sense. But your fears are in no way shared by myself or, I gather, many other people here.
Nej and Amneris like this.
Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It happened to you, but you're just one person. One person’s experiences [or two people’s, since iroc agrees with you on this] do not support the assertion that this is universal experience, as you do here.

[This absolutist tack you’re taking is reminding me of some other thread recently. Hmmm, which could it be … ]

Now you can go ahead and respond about how you're just expressing your opinion, that's what these boards are for, blah, blah, blah, but the thing is, you're wording it like your experience is the norm and it must be true for everyone. But it's not.

If you didn't intend it to come across that way, feel free to let us all know.




So basically I take it, SL and iroc, you both fear you will cheat on your SO’s? Is that what you're saying?

Because just as you both know yourselves, and know how these things work and all that, I know myself too. It's pretty simple: I don't cheat on people I'm dating. Never have, never will. That's why I don't fear hanging out with men as friends, at work or what-have-you. I trust myself and am confident it's not an issue.

I guess it's good if you fear you will slip up, to take measures against that. That makes sense. But your fears are in no way shared by myself or, I gather, many other people here.
Originally Posted by wild~hair

I'm not saying everyone cheats. But a lot of ppl do. A lot of ppl don't. And a lot of ppl do.

The rest of what you posted...not really following. I think you may be inferring some things I didn't say or mean.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I agree that affairs dont just happen. That you make choices that put you there. And I feel that going out to dinner or coffee, or otherwise spending time alone with another person is making choices that open yourself up to that possibility.

I dont know how one cannot understand the concept of an emotional affair. Giving yourself to another does not just occur during sex.


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Originally Posted by iroc
But sometimes the choice is totally innocent.

Could be a late night at the office working together. A study date. An offer to drive someone home. Sure, I can help you patch that hole in your wall, etc.

You two lock eyes and it's on and poppin.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Right and some people don't see it as innocent. I try to avoid those situations as much as possible. If I'm stuck in one(such as having to work late and one other man is there), my guard is up. I understand others are much more open about this(even to the point of having male friends spend the night while SO is not there) but I won't be surprised if **** happened.
I would not be okay with it. Have I been burned by being "okay/cool" with an ex who insisted on sticking around a "friend" before? Absolutely.

Does this mean I forbid my husband from having any female friends or acquaintances or that I don't trust him? No. Does he have other exes as friends? Yes, but none that he sees periodically. And if this scenario were the other way around, I have no doubt my husband would not be okay with it. I don't keep exes as friends (that I see regularly), so it doesn't really apply.

Like everything else (joint checking accounts or separate, changing your last name, having kids or not, watching porn, and so on), the answer depends on the individuals involved. At a minimum, all parties must have respect for the commitment between the couple.
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Last edited by gemini; 12-31-2012 at 10:25 AM.
Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It happened to you, but you're just one person. One person’s experiences [or two people’s, since iroc agrees with you on this] do not support the assertion that this is universal experience, as you do here.

[This absolutist tack you’re taking is reminding me of some other thread recently. Hmmm, which could it be … ]

Now you can go ahead and respond about how you're just expressing your opinion, that's what these boards are for, blah, blah, blah, but the thing is, you're wording it like your experience is the norm and it must be true for everyone. But it's not.

If you didn't intend it to come across that way, feel free to let us all know.




So basically I take it, SL and iroc, you both fear you will cheat on your SO’s? Is that what you're saying?

Because just as you both know yourselves, and know how these things work and all that, I know myself too. It's pretty simple: I don't cheat on people I'm dating. Never have, never will. That's why I don't fear hanging out with men as friends, at work or what-have-you. I trust myself and am confident it's not an issue.

I guess it's good if you fear you will slip up, to take measures against that. That makes sense. But your fears are in no way shared by myself or, I gather, many other people here.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
Do I know I'm a bad driver and will get in to an accident and so thats why I wear a seatbelt?

No. However there is that possibility and so therefore I take precautions.

WH, I really dont want to come off as rude to you, (not that you mind coming across as rude to others) but in several conversations you really seem unaware. I dont know if its naivete or lack of experience, but you assume that you KNOW the outcome of every situation. But the fact is, you just dont. Things happen and people change and sometimes you just dont know how someone or something will react. We're human beings, not robots. We're not programmed to react a certain way. Most people dont intend to cheat.

I'll tell you that I was engaged when I met a man who was also in a relationship. As couples we were friends. I did not spend time with this man alone. I did not cheat on my bf. I tried everything in my power to fight my feelings. I began avoiding contact. Yet I found myself in love with two men at the same time, though I never thought it was possible. Feelings and emotions are not rational or even able to be controlled. I said I wasnt going to cheat, and I didn't, but that didn't stop something from happening inside. I stopped contact with this person completely to focus on my relationship at the time.

If it can happen that way, I think its irresponsible to willingly put yourself in the situation.

I have cheated on someone before. The only time in my life. Someone whom I was very in love with. Even though I swore I would never cheat. Even though I swore I would never love anyone but this person. You underestimate the possibilities of human beings, whether good or bad. Our intentions may be good but we make mistakes. Its called being human.

People assume that arguments like mine and SL's are saying that an indiscretion WILL happen. Thats a ridiculous generalization, and again, an immature assumption. We're saying it can happen and one should respect the possibility.thats all.

But one should do what works in ones relationship. There are no hard rules that need to be followed. If I feel I dont want to do something doesnt mean I cant trust myself or my partner. It just means I like my relationship to operate a certain way.
Nor does it mean that someone else trusts their partner more. What a rude, and again, extremely immature assumption to make.



For the record, the man in my first story, after 10 years of lost contact between eachother, we are together today. In hindsight I wish I would have ended the relationship I was in to be with him. I think I turned down a very good thing bc I was doing what I thought was the 'right thing' at the time. Life is funny, and again, you never know. But we learn with experience. With age comes wisdom, unfortunately when we're young we think we know everything. We have no idea how inexperienced and stupid we are.




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Yes, it can and yes it does. It happened to me and it happens all the time.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It happened to you, but you're just one person. One person’s experiences [or two people’s, since iroc agrees with you on this] do not support the assertion that this is universal experience, as you do here.
.
Originally Posted by wild~hair

I love this comment since in the CT shooting thread it was stated that we KNOW the outcome of outlawing guns since its been done in a couple of countries and we have the results of those experiences to go on.......

You know, but here it's just a couple of random experiences and in no way proves anything.


Okay.
Yeah, because anecdotal experience is the same as statistical data.
Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."

Infidelity Statistics


Just one websites statistics

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