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-   -   "In a Relationship" with somebody you have never met in person... (http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/non-hair-discussion/154026-relationship-somebody-you-have-never-met-person.html)

CanItBeChristine 01-17-2013 07:41 AM

"In a Relationship" with somebody you have never met in person...
 
...am I a skeptic or is this common?

I am asking this not because I am being judgmental but because I'm really curious if this is something that happens often in the Internet world and becaues I'm concerned my friend is moving too fast. (Classic NC.com disclaimer!)

I recently reconnected with an old friend that I was never really close with to begin with, so there are obviously things I don't know about her. She does a lot of Match.com and OKCupid dating, which I honestly admire, because I'll talk to guys who seem great and chicken-out and never meet them. She meets a lot of guys who are traveling here on business, and at least two in the past couple of months had said they'd being willing to move here to be with her, and she had to convince one that he should stay in the same state as his children. (Thought that was weird. What kind of a man would need convincing about something like that?!)

One guy told her he had one child on their in-person date, and then she noticed on his profile it said 2. She was rationalizing it saying, "He was SO STARRY-EYED when he was talking to me...maybe he just said the wrong number?"

(I can't imagine a guy being opposite Angelina Jolie and forgetting how many children he has!)

She's been talking to a guy who is in the army and stationed out of the country. He's apparently flying-out to meet her on leave in a few weeks. They've been talking for a week-and-a-half.

She texted me last night with, "So I have a boyfriend."

He asked her to be his girlfriend, over text message, she accepted and asked if she could make it "Facebook official" (which she did) and went on to post a dozen status updates about how she's the luckiest girl in the world, finally found the right person, with his initials and hearts all over the place.

Am I being a skeptic or is she jumping-the-gun a bit????? I feel like she's setting herself up to be really disappointed.

spiderlashes5000 01-17-2013 08:40 AM

She should watch Catfish!

geeky 01-17-2013 08:49 AM

Sounds like she has a pattern of choosing guys who are long-distance or otherwise unavailable for an actual in-person relationship.

Consciously or unconsciously, she must be getting something out of it. It's certainly an easy thing to fall into because on-line or over text it is easy to present an "improved" version of yourself and also easy to fall for the "improved" version of someone else.

sarah42 01-17-2013 08:49 AM

I think that's crazy.

annabananalise 01-17-2013 08:50 AM

Jumping the gun is an understatement.

Ya she should watch Catfish.

I want some catfish :(

The New Black 01-17-2013 08:51 AM

I'd be concerned for her overall emotional and mental stability.

iBellaMorena 01-17-2013 08:51 AM

Yeah. I would be skeptical. With all of the lies on the internet and you are never sure the person is who they claim. She should ask for a Skype session if she hasn't already.

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scrills 01-17-2013 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 (Post 2103439)
She should watch Catfish!


HA!!! I came in to say the same thing!! :thumbleft:

Nej 01-17-2013 09:15 AM

I think it's strange. I tend to meet people pretty quickly if I meet them online. I'm surprised how many people have emotionally invested in me before we've even met! It's like dude! You don't know me!!

Josephine 01-17-2013 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geeky (Post 2103442)
Sounds like she has a pattern of choosing guys who are long-distance or otherwise unavailable for an actual in-person relationship.

Consciously or unconsciously, she must be getting something out of it. It's certainly an easy thing to fall into because on-line or over text it is easy to present an "improved" version of yourself and also easy to fall for the "improved" version of someone else.

Yes, I had a friend that always had long distance relationships. Most of them she's just met once through a friend. Her last 'boyfriend' was one she never met in person. She was introduced online or phone through a friend and they talked everyday for almost 3 years. She was heartbroken when it ended and very bitter for a long time. They had an emotional relationship(so I heard some athlete admitted to this and it was on espn news yesterday) but I do believe there is something wrong with that when you are expecting it and defining to be something more.

NetG 01-17-2013 09:25 AM

This friend doesn't have much self esteem, does she?

As geeky pointed out, it sounds like a pattern of looking for men who are unavailable. And desperation at the same time.

When I had a long distance relationship it was someone I met through a mutual friend and we talked constantly, for about a month and a half (maybe more, maybe less - I'm guessing because I don't remember) before we met in person. I still didn't consider it being in a relationship until after we'd met in person a couple times.

I wouldn't judge her for this, but the situation itself is certainly one indicating she has some emotional issues to work out for herself. She could absolutely fall in love with a member of the military at a distance; to me that's not the part that's in question. The repeated distance and the immediate jumping on the love train are both warning signs that there's something going on with her which has nothing to do with him. Members of the military (both genders) or anyone who is isolated from their family/friends/home in a stressful or boring situation can have a tendency toward more immediate intimacy just as a result of the situation, so it doesn't necessarily raise red flags to me about the guy.

The New Black 01-17-2013 10:09 AM

Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

dee-nature 01-17-2013 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 (Post 2103439)
She should watch Catfish!

PERFECT ANSWER. I agree with this


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luvmylocs 01-17-2013 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black (Post 2103510)
Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

i was reading through to see if anyone mentioned this.

i don't think anyone is in a real romantic relationship with someone they've never SEEN in person and TALKED to over the phone, alot. there should be skyping, talking and some in person visits before you can say you're a real couple. if the person does not really exist you can't have a relationship. plain and simple.

*** eta...i will say one of my best friends in the whole world i met on here. she lives in another state. we became friends after a thread, that lead to a pm that lead to many emails, phone conversations, becoming fb friends, sharing pictures and so on. we finally met in person after like 2-3 years. it was funny, everything was exactly as we'd both said, we hung out for a weekend and then resumed our friendship via emails and talking like always. it is a real friendship because neither of us were lying, it was pretty verifable we're both real people and friendships don't necessarily require the same level of in person contact that a romantic relationship would in my opinion. ***

spiderlashes5000 01-17-2013 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs (Post 2103531)
Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black (Post 2103510)
Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

i was reading through to see if anyone mentioned this.

i don't think anyone is in a real romantic relationship with someone they've never SEEN in person and TALKED to over the phone, alot. there should be skyping, talking and some in person visits before you can say you're a real couple. if the person does not really exist you can't have a relationship. plain and simple.

*** eta...i will say one of my best friends in the whole world i met on here. she lived in another state. we became friends after a thread, that lead to a pm that lead to many emails, phone conversations, becoming fb friends, sharing pictures and so on. we finally met in person after like 2-3 years. it was funny, everything was exactly as we'd both said, we hung out for a weekend and then resumed our friendship via emails and talking like always. it is a real friendship because neither of us were lying, it was pretty verifable we're both real people and friendships don't necessarily require the same level of in person contact that a romantic relationship would in my opinion. ***

And I think it's a bit different for platonic friends vs a romantic relationship bc in the latter, you kinda need there to be some sexual chemistry which you can't guage in emails, etc.

But w/ a platonic friend, I obviously don't care and how you look and carry yourself wouldn't matter that much me.

geeky 01-17-2013 11:06 AM

I've met a few people on this board and an unrelated one that I consider friends. I think it is different like Spiderlashes said, the chemistry element is not an issue in friendships. I think another difference is that I and most people I know don't go on message boards to hook up with people or to sell themselves to anyone, so most people (and yeah, there are troll/alias exceptions) tend to represent themselves in a pretty straightforward manner. So when relationships develop it tends to be in a pretty normal, organic way.

I will say that even with my platonic friends when I met them IRL, it took a little while to get used to how they look and how they sound because my mentla picture was always a little different. It did not impact the friendship, but I could see how it would totally impact a romantic/sexual relationship

Who Me? 01-17-2013 11:22 AM

Even if you assume that everything the person has told you is true, and every picture is actually them, and you've talked on the phone, and even video-chatted, I don't personally believe someone can really be in a romantic relationship (meaning a "more than just platonic friends" relationship) without having met in person. I think there are certain aspects that are not measurable or quantifiable about how we as human beings behave, act, smell, touch each other (or don't touch each other), the little ticks we do that we don't even notice, etc. that play too large a role in who a person truly is, to make it possible for that romance to truly develop without meeting in person.

I do think people can become emotionally invested, and even love someone, and friendship in this way I think is totally possible. But I don't think you can fall IN love, or have a more-than-platonic relationship with someone you've never met. There are aspects of a romantic life partner that are different than friendship aspects (and I don't mean sex), that I just can't be explored via other means of communication...these are the things that we just can't put into words.

CurlyBeauty_Jay 01-17-2013 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 (Post 2103439)
She should watch Catfish!

My thought exactly!

Josephine 01-17-2013 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black (Post 2103510)
Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?

Who Me? 01-17-2013 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josephine (Post 2103592)
Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black (Post 2103510)
Interesting timing for this thread: Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim? [poll] - latimes.com

Manti Te'o hoax: Do you believe he is a victim?

I guess so, he was lied to but why is this news? I don't understand why we need to know about this at all?? People get tricked/duped sometimes. It sucks but what's the point of announcing it to the world?

I'm under the impression there's a good chance that he wasn't actually tricked but was part of the hoax in order to get publicity?


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