So I've frequently talked about my friend who feeds her kids crap

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I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
^ I really hate that question.

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I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
^ I really hate that question.

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Originally Posted by iroc
Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

She needs to get a job, even if it's part-time or volunteering. I think she would feel a lot better. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is good for her or the children.
Originally Posted by Po
Totally agree! Being a SAHP takes a special kind of person. Someone who never wanted to have children is not that person.

Sounds like there may be some resentment towards her kids. Since it was never her dream to have them, she might feel they are preventing her from pursuing the goals she did have.
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IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I think she's a lazy parent, frankly. And if you never wanted them in the first place well, then, it's even easier to just switch on the TV and go read your book or clean the house.

The little girl just went into full day kindergarten this year and so now she's doing some volunteering... but it's at the school. Before that it was a lot of mall shopping.


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



She could even hire a teenage girl to come play with the kids in the afternoon while she makes dinner or whatever to help her out.
Originally Posted by iroc
That's a mother's helper. :-)
Originally Posted by Springcurl


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I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
^ I really hate that question.

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Originally Posted by iroc
Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Its a rude question to ask anyone.

She's a grown woman. Unless she's asking you to borrow money, or she's employed by you, its none of anyones
business what she does with her day.


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IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I think she's a lazy parent, frankly. And if you never wanted them in the first place well, then, it's even easier to just switch on the TV and go read your book or clean the house.

The little girl just went into full day kindergarten this year and so now she's doing some volunteering... but it's at the school. Before that it was a lot of mall shopping.
Originally Posted by Springcurl
She sounds lazy and spoiled. She doesn't work and her kids are in school, really what is she complaining about? She should get a job then. Maybe then they can justify and afford a nanny for most of the time.
I think she's a lazy parent, I don't think she's spoiled. And I don't think she's a bad person. For all the money she has, I wouldn't want her life.


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



I feel bad for her kiddos. I think that if it were me, I'd offer to take the kids out every so often (one-on-one if they're difficult to manage together), like an honorary auntie.

I am curious about the dad's role in all this. Does he just let mom make all the calls? Is he afraid to speak up so he doesn't upset her? Or does he just not see a problem?
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I think she's a lazy parent, I don't think she's spoiled. And I don't think she's a bad person. For all the money she has, I wouldn't want her life.
Originally Posted by Springcurl

I don't know how to go about making suggestions if she has the resources and isn't doing it herself. Most of my suggestions are how to do things without spending a lot of money, cause I don't have any. It seems like it would be easy to find things to do if you have the money. Unless you just don't care. And you can't make someone care.


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IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I think she's a lazy parent, frankly. And if you never wanted them in the first place well, then, it's even easier to just switch on the TV and go read your book or clean the house.

The little girl just went into full day kindergarten this year and so now she's doing some volunteering... but it's at the school. Before that it was a lot of mall shopping.
Originally Posted by Springcurl
She sounds lazy and spoiled. She doesn't work and her kids are in school, really what is she complaining about? She should get a job then. Maybe then they can justify and afford a nanny for most of the time.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Maybe she is depressed or has PPD. I think many woman can have this and not even know. She needs to see her doctor first...both she and her kids are suffering with what is happening now. I would talk to her first about her health...suggest her seeing a doctor... go from there...
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Since she's got $$ I'm also going to suggest she get a mother's helper.
Originally Posted by Springcurl
And therapy? She can afford lots of therapy then.
Hopefully talking to her doctor will lead to that. I'm afraid for her kids especially once they turn into teenagers and I can't imagine she's too happy herself.

Last edited by SpiralSpunk; 01-24-2013 at 04:30 PM.
I feel if she was spoiled she would've looked for a nanny early on to care for the kids so she can do her own thing.

I wonder too about the dad's involvement.

Perhaps if just guiding her in the right direction toward help for her children and herself may be what she needs. She may be drowning (mentally speaking) and needs someone to act as her aid to give her some perspective.

It sounds like a crappy situation all around through. You are a good friend to have stuck with her.
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She sounds depressed to me too. Often parents don't realize how much their depression affects their children because they're not doing anything to mistreat their children and are taking care of their basic needs, but having a depressed parent who is not interested in spending time with their children is damaging to kids too. If I were you I would gently point out that she sounds depressed, and how that can negatively affect her children and suggest she talk to someone because she deserves to enjoy her life and her children, and her children deserve to have a parent who is present both mentally and physically.
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I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
Sounds like the dad is taking advantage of the fact that she's a sahm by not doing any of the work.

I agree with others that she should get a job, one that had nothing to do with her kids or children in general. Having a life outside the home will help, and maybe it'd force her husband to step up.
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Eres o te haces?

^ I really hate that question.

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Originally Posted by iroc
Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Its a rude question to ask anyone.

She's a grown woman. Unless she's asking you to borrow money, or she's employed by you, its none of anyones
business what she does with her day.


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Originally Posted by iroc
It's a valid question.

If she is laying in bed all day due to depression we might have different suggestions than if she were doing something else.

For example, I said that she should do some volunteering. Springcurl just said that her friend does volunteer during the day.

It's just more information gathering.
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^ I really hate that question.

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Originally Posted by iroc
Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Its a rude question to ask anyone.

She's a grown woman. Unless she's asking you to borrow money, or she's employed by you, its none of anyones
business what she does with her day.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Springcurl brought up the topic and we are trying to to get a picture of what the woman's situation is.

Plz stop projecting your own worries and feelings into this. This has nothing to do w/ you.
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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

It sounds like she does have symptoms of depression. I understand not being a "kid person" because I'm generally not, except with my own kids. I've stayed home with my kids for brief periods (maternity leave, summers off when I was a teacher), and it does not suit me. I need to work outside the home to be at my best for the kids.

How involved is the dad with child rearing? Does he seem to take a different approach, or follow her hands-off lead?

You mentioned that the son has therapy--do you know what type? (speech, occupational, etc.) Does the mother participate at all, and do they work on any behavior-related stuff?

Would she be open to taking a parenting class? Would the husband be on board, or could he encourage her to go?
I don't think she's necessarily depressed. Maybe she really doesn't know what to do, and she's too embarrassed or ashamed to admit that and ask for help. Frankly, I'm not surprised. There's so much judgement about mommyhood - how we should feel about our kids, how we should treat them, how they should act in society etc. Having a child with special needs probably makes it even harder to figure out the right things, especially with so much conflicting information out there.

Does her culture have more of a hands-off approach to parenting? That could be a factor as well.

As for what you should do, ask her if she wants help, and model good parenting skills that engage the children in a great way if you can. I think it'll be a hard conversation to have, without making it look like your rubbing it in her face that she doesn't meet your (society's/whatever) parenting expectations.

I have great empathy for this person.
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hello.world.

Then don't answer it; it wasn't addressed to you.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Its a rude question to ask anyone.

She's a grown woman. Unless she's asking you to borrow money, or she's employed by you, its none of anyones
business what she does with her day.


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Originally Posted by iroc
Springcurl brought up the topic and we are trying to to get a picture of what the woman's situation is.

Plz stop projecting your own worries and feelings into this. This has nothing to do w/ you.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Do not include my own life in your frequent uninformed assumptions. And please do not try to intimidate me by accusing me of projection. If you were information gathering I think you would have worded it differently.

I simply think it is a generally rude question and people shouldn't feel so comfortable asking it. I woudn't think to ask an employed person 'what do you do all day?'. I'm just expressing that.

Feel free to continue your conversation without attacking me.


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