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Old 01-24-2013, 11:17 AM   #1
 
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Default So I've frequently talked about my friend who feeds her kids crap

And that her kids are bratty and that she gives them Miralax every day because they don't know from vegetable. (one's 5, one's 7, and the seven year old was diagnosed with PDDNOS several years ago)

anyway, yesterday when I was talking to her her 5 year old was having a temper tantrum and she called her mother a name and my friend told her daughter to go into her room. When the daughter said no my friend said, "Well, then say sorry to mommy." And she said sorry (but you could hear that she wasn't in her voice) and then she immediately called her mother a name again so her mom sent her to her room.

A few minutes later my friend said, "she's still in there tantruming. Should I go in?" FINALLY SHE ASKED ME ADVICE!!! So I said, "No. And truthfully I think she should have gone to her room the first time and apologized to you AFTER she came out."

Today my friend told me that she's been having a really hard time with both kids. She said, "I have never liked kids. I never wanted any of my own. If I'd married a man who didn't want kids I never would have been fine with that." She said, "I don't like doing crafts with them, I don't like playing with them."

This is all pretty much what I suspected (because they're ALWAYS watching TV and that's it). She takes the girl to dance lessons and the boy to swim lessons and all his therapy, but that's about it. And the girl really wants to go back to ice skating but the mom says no because she doesn't like sitting in the cold.

Anyway, how can I help? CAN I help? Anyone know of any books that help a parent like their children? (personally I find them pretty unlikeable myself, but I know that that's because of how she's made them)
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:23 AM   #2
 
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I don't think any book will make a parent like kids. Unfortunately her kids are too old now for her to let someone else raise them.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:25 AM   #3
 
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I don't think any book will make a parent like kids. Unfortunately her kids are too old now for her to let someone else raise them.
I know. And she's married but they really seem to fall into very traditional roles. He works, she's a SAHM. Maybe it'd be better if she got a job, I don't know. Like she wouldn't have to be around them so much.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:27 AM   #4
 
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I don't remember the situation...is the mother depressed or stressed out? Is the kids' father in the picture?
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:27 AM   #5
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She needs to get a job, even if it's part-time or volunteering. I think she would feel a lot better. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is good for her or the children.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:32 AM   #6
 
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I don't remember the situation...is the mother depressed or stressed out? Is the kids' father in the picture?
I think she's probably depressed NOW. And I'm sure it's not easy raising a kid on the autism spectrum. But even when he was an infant she didn't really know what to do with him. Didn't seem to bond well with him. He watched those Baby Einstein videos when he was like 3 months old.

But from what I've witnessed it just seems like she's kind of taking the easy way out. Anyone who has a kid knows that it's really hard. And sometimes you don't WANT to be engaged with them but you have to because that is your job. And sometimes you don't want to play some make-believe game but you do because that's what we do. But with her I think it's been easier just to kind of leave the TV on and let them do whatever they want.

Dad's totally in the picture.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:44 AM   #7
 
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Oh, wow, I thought the father was completely out of the picture. Doesn't he have anything to say about his kids being out of control brats and eating crap? He needs to step up, unless it turns out he feels the same way she does.
This is such a mess. Those kids need help!
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:45 AM   #8
 
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DP. I only hit submit once!
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:47 AM   #9
 
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What could possibly help someone who doesn't like her own kids? A pretty sad situation. And unless she's an Academy award-worthy actress, her kids will feel it eventually. If they don't already. That, plus the crap diet, could explain the tantrums. Well, that and just being a kid.

Reminds me of Octomom. She said her own kids "disgust" her. Serial killers in the making.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:53 AM   #10
 
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She needs to get a job, even if it's part-time or volunteering. I think she would feel a lot better. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is good for her or the children.
I agree with this. If I were a SAHM I would likely not like my kids as much either .

She also needs to learn to discipline them effectively. Kids are much easier to like when they are not obnoxious little turds. If one is on the spectrum then she will likely need some professional help in learning strategies that are effective. It's a whole family endeavor, really.

How is her relationship with her husband? Can she discuss this stuff with him? Is he supportive?

I can relate to not really liking playing or doing crafts. I don't really like doing crafts or playing princess or whatever either. And I don't feel guilty saying "no i won't play that with you, you can play it with each other or I can play X with you instead" like 95% of the time. But she should find things that she likes that her kids can do also and include them in it. At 5 and 7 they are already little people and she will be able to interact with them more and more as people and not necessarily kids but she needs to start cultivating it now.

If you guys are close, make a date with her and let her talk to you about all this stuff. She likely has not admitted it to anyone because you just don't say that kind of thing, and I am sure that is also contributing to her depression. Even being able to really talk about it should help some. Ask lots of questions to help her think about things from different angles, give advice when she asks for it, gently. Encourage her to get into therapy also.
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Old 01-24-2013, 01:50 PM   #11
 
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Sorry Springcurl, but I really don't like your friend at all.


I'm sure a lot of her attitude is related to depression as others have thought, but if you don't like kids - don't have them! It's not ok to coast and not be responsible and do your best to be a good parent for the first 7 years of your child's life because you chose to have a kid despite not liking kids.

I was on a plane with a kid who I'm sure was on the spectrum and parents who didn't seem to like him. I think I mentioned it on this board - I was disgusted with the parents not because he got loud, but because they treated him as sub-human instead of answering his questions and anxiety in a way even I could have managed.
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Old 01-24-2013, 01:53 PM   #12
 
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I was on a plane with a kid who I'm sure was on the spectrum and parents who didn't seem to like him. I think I mentioned it on this board - I was disgusted with the parents not because he got loud, but because they treated him as sub-human instead of answering his questions and anxiety in a way even I could have managed.
And in her case she overbuys. The girl gets a new Build-A-Bear about once a month and they go to the mall all the time to buy stuff. The boy gets new Legos and Pokemon trading cards at least once a week. She doesn't treat them badly, but I think because she feels bad about not liking them she spoils them with STUFF.
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Old 01-24-2013, 01:56 PM   #13
 
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Sorry Springcurl, but I really don't like your friend at all.


I'm sure a lot of her attitude is related to depression as others have thought, but if you don't like kids - don't have them! It's not ok to coast and not be responsible and do your best to be a good parent for the first 7 years of your child's life because you chose to have a kid despite not liking kids.

I was on a plane with a kid who I'm sure was on the spectrum and parents who didn't seem to like him. I think I mentioned it on this board - I was disgusted with the parents not because he got loud, but because they treated him as sub-human instead of answering his questions and anxiety in a way even I could have managed.
Yes I've seen parents treat their kids like crap(and I mean really badly) and it's apaling. They are just bad human beings. I don't like kids but I would still care for someone who is under me. And I can't imagine not liking your own.
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Old 01-24-2013, 02:16 PM   #14
 
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Did you mention that she was depressed? Bc it definitely sounds like depression. That would be why she doesn't want to do anything with them. I cant imagine not liking your kids.

I mean, believe me, my kids can annoy me plenty. Most days by bedtime I am done done. We don't do crafts every day. I don't get on the floor and play with them every day, all day long. There are times we play, there are times we do crafts, or read, or color, we joke around and talk a lot. And there are the times when they just watch tv and occasionally I'll say 'can you please go find something to do somewhere else? Lol. I can not be expected to engage them all day, even as a SAHM. I have plenty of other things to do.

I agree with the statement that if your kids aren't taught to behave, they will not be likable. And thats not their fault.

You said her kids were 5 and 7. So they're at school all day. For instance, mine get home at almost 4, by the time we do homework, I make dinner, its time for them to take baths, and then I let them read in bed. There's not much time for much else.

Maybe she needs to work on implementing a schedule to stick to.

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Old 01-24-2013, 02:21 PM   #15
 
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Can you help her? prob not.

Can you help the kids? The best you can do is build a relationship with them so that they have a normal relationship with someone
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Old 01-24-2013, 02:59 PM   #16
 
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Since she's got $$ I'm also going to suggest she get a mother's helper.
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Old 01-24-2013, 03:03 PM   #17
 
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Since she's got $$ I'm also going to suggest she get a mother's helper.

Like valium?


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Old 01-24-2013, 03:10 PM   #18
 
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The bookstores in my area do storytime a few times a week. They listen to stories and do a craft afterwards. On the weekends theres usually a character that shows up, Curious George or the Cat in the Hat.

Does she belong to a gym? They have 'daycare' or babysitters while she does her thing.

She could even hire a teenage girl to come play with the kids in the afternoon while she makes dinner or whatever to help her out.


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Old 01-24-2013, 03:15 PM   #19
 
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She could even hire a teenage girl to come play with the kids in the afternoon while she makes dinner or whatever to help her out.
That's a mother's helper. :-)
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Old 01-24-2013, 03:17 PM   #20
 
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I don't really know what's going on or if there are MH issues or what. But short-term, I would suggest she and her husband split the kids up. She takes one and he takes the other. Maybe same-sex? Or maybe she takes the more tractable child? And she should spend some quality time w/ the one child doing activities the mother finds fun, but engaging the child, too. So she can enjoy the child as part of a normal, productive, stress-free day or wknd, rather than being mentally drained by two brats, tag-teaming her and reminding her of how fulfilling her life has become.

Then the next wknd or whatever, she and her husband switch off.

(Two kids can be a lot harder than one. And I def enjoy mine more separately than when they are together. So I try to think of little ways, as a single parent, that I can spend time w/ them one-on-one.)

Or if money isn't an issue, why not encourage her to take a trip somewhere alone or w/ friends to give her a chance to miss her kids.

IDK if you're implying this woman is abusive to the kids or just lazy or just clueless or what.

If the kids are both in school what does she do all day?
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