Married People Please Tell Me....

Like Tree70Likes

did any of you settle?
did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

(no one wants to marry me, just wondering)
Originally Posted by frau
I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

"It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I LOVE this.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert.

It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.
Originally Posted by annabananalise
We can just agree to disagree. I don't think someone who fulfills you is "ideal". I think that's necessary for a happy long term relationship. It's ideal if that person is also sterotypically hot (meaning, cover of GQ hot), because then you have the added bonus of showing him off to your friends and neighbors. But really, if you're writing off all the non-GQ guys right off the bat, the MAN are you missing out. The guy should be attractive to you, not just plain attractive. Two totally different things, as has been mentioned regarding the thread on hot guys...everyone has different opinions!

You should never settle. But man I feel sorry for all the women out there who think they didn't settle, or worse, are still single and refusing to settle, and think anything less than GQ-hot is settling.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I think being with someone who is stereotypically "hot" isn't just about showing him off to others, but also about your own enjoyment and sexual gratification, and nothing wrong with that. But I agree that in terms of a long-term relationship, what you find "hot" includes much more than muscles, hair etc. and over time, those things fade or change or take on less significance. It is part of the package, but only a part.

I mean, sure, who doesn't want a guy who is rich, gorgeous, muscular, educated, successful, kind, funny, family-oriented, cultured, shares values, etc. etc. etc? But are all the women who want that likewise beautiful, shapely, rich, educated, successful, kind, funny, family-oriented, cultured, and all the rest? If you permit yourself not to have yourself absolutely 100% together in at least one of those areas, then that is not settling, so how is it settling that your man is bald? Now if you can say that at all times you have ALL those things going on, sure, hold out for that perfect ideal. But let's assume that most people have some flaws, whether physical, personality, or whatever else. It's what particular flaws are more or less significant to you, and how they are dealt with and handled, that is most important, since EVERYONE has them, and acknowledging that you are marrying another human being with work to do on themself just like you is not settling.
Nej and spiderlashes5000 like this.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I mean, if I look like a cover of the SI swimsuit edition, can't I get my GQ husband? I mean shoot.

And okay maybe I'm not the cover, but I'm definitely a glossy advertisement insert.

It's only gonna work if the guy makes me wanna werque (if ya know what I'm sayin') and 5'8" and balding just ain't gonna cut it.

But yes, someone who fulfills you is ideal.
Originally Posted by annabananalise
We can just agree to disagree. I don't think someone who fulfills you is "ideal". I think that's necessary for a happy long term relationship. It's ideal if that person is also sterotypically hot (meaning, cover of GQ hot), because then you have the added bonus of showing him off to your friends and neighbors. But really, if you're writing off all the non-GQ guys right off the bat, the MAN are you missing out. The guy should be attractive to you, not just plain attractive. Two totally different things, as has been mentioned regarding the thread on hot guys...everyone has different opinions!

You should never settle. But man I feel sorry for all the women out there who think they didn't settle, or worse, are still single and refusing to settle, and think anything less than GQ-hot is settling.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I just think one should be physically attracted to their SO. Like you gotta turn me on more than I turn myself on. (and we all know I dazzle myself).

I think settling is marrying a nice guy that you get along with that you (gy) can have a stable, comfortable (not just financially but emotionally) future with. Ya you (gy) may care for him, but that's not enough for me.

There are plenty of good men out there, but should I give them a chance just because they are Good Men? Idts. And I don't think I'm missing out either.

He's gotta make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor.
Originally Posted by annabananalise
I agree with you on this, but I will say that after years together, it would be very unusual (though maybe not impossible) if you wanted to la la on the floor all the time. Life changes, stresses, pregnancy/babies, down periods in your lives etc. can create times when that's not really going on, so you better have something else to act as your "glue" for those times.

I think that this discussion is treating the issue as if it's an either/or thing. Attractiveness and sex appeal are important. So are the less superficial aspects of relationships. You don't and shouldn't have to give either one up to be happy or fulfilled.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I remember learning in psychology class that the new relationship, passionate, infatuation stage only lasts like 18 months. I don't think that's a good basis for a marriage. Having shared values and goals is more important for long-term happiness.
Originally Posted by sarah42

This may sound like a stupid question but I'm totally serious: how do the lifers (marrieds LOL) have sex w/ their spouses after the passion dies down? I mean, do they still turn you on? What motivates you to want to have sex w/ them?

I've never had sex w/ anyone continuously for more than 2 years and yes, in those cases, there was still a lot of passion. At some point, this is supposed to wear off? For ~everyone~? (Say it aint so! ) Then what? How do you trick your body into making the necessary physiological responses that precede sex?

eta - yes, "physiological responses" means what Josephine said...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
You have to work at it sometimes.... do it when you don't feel like it, schedule it in. The spark doesn't die, the excitement doesn't die, but the giddiness and newness turn into comfort and safety. There's a different kind of intimacy in knowing someone's body, emotions, responses etc. inside out.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











what have you found to be the most important characteristics in keeping your marriage happy?
i mean, when you selected your partner, what things did you see in your partner, that you chose, were the things that were vital in your marriage?

i mean, was it chemistry?
financial stability?
intelligence?
humor?
that you were alike?
that you were different?
that you got along well with their family?

what things have you found to be most important and what have you found to not really be important at all?
Originally Posted by frau
I think I have a pretty good marriage, and what I've found it to be is common values and goals. Most specifically, the goal of being married and having a family. I especially looked for someone with that goal who wanted the same things at the same time I did and did not have to be talked or tricked or pushed into it. This included common religious and cultural values and someone with an advanced level of education.

Now, I think the key to a good marriage, in addition to the above, is 2 things for me:
a) having access to mentors - other people with good marriages in similar circumstances to myself who can be a resource for keeping the joy in your marriage

b) really making an effort not to let the kids completely dominate the marriage - obviously, they are a huge priority, but without healthy, happy parents we can't really serve them as best as we can, so it is important to somehow find a way to take some adult time out for ourselves. I think I could do a lot better in this area still, but I guess we're doing well enough at the moment.

What is not important? Superficial stuff. I think my husband is a very attractive, loving guy but I know he's no Denzel, but that doesn't matter at all to me. I have to laugh when I see some of the single women on here and elsewhere talking about how they don't want ugly men and don't want to have to settle for someone ugly. A good-looking guy may not be so forever - I mean, if he's good looking inside and out AND has shared values and all the rest, no one is going to say that's bad, but I think a lot of people focus way too much on the physical to the exclusion of other things. A lot more than what you see in a photograph makes a man attractive.

I also think a person's background and family are important to an extent, but they don't tell the whole story. If I judged my husband by his parents, we probably wouldn't be together. However, his parents did provide him with the values I was looking for, despite the annoying personality things they do, and in the areas I felt they were deficient, my husband showed he was aware of that or had learned from that or wouldn't be bound or tied to it - he understood that our family would be the priority, and he has shown me that.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Sound advice. In defense of the pseudo-misandry on here, I think it's a backlash against the whole, "So what if you find him unattractive, he's really nice" business, especially when men are pretty much never fed that message. But it's about not settling for someone YOU find unattractive, if I'm understanding correctly. I agree with that, unless I'm with the person for a reason other than companionship (money, just to have kids, "beard", etc).
Big chop: 5/30/10
CG, clarify with Aveda Brilliant Shampoo when needed
Dense, medium-fine strands, lowish porosity. Avoiding glycerin outside the shower.
Cowash:Suave Coconut Conditioner.
Leave in: YtCucumbers and EVOO
Styling Products: Flaxseed gel, Phillip B Soft Hold Gel, KMF Upper Management Gel
DC: Doctored GVP or Suave conditioner
Cleanser: Bentonite clay
Oop oop, well I see you already addressed that. I missed a page before I responded but oh well.
Big chop: 5/30/10
CG, clarify with Aveda Brilliant Shampoo when needed
Dense, medium-fine strands, lowish porosity. Avoiding glycerin outside the shower.
Cowash:Suave Coconut Conditioner.
Leave in: YtCucumbers and EVOO
Styling Products: Flaxseed gel, Phillip B Soft Hold Gel, KMF Upper Management Gel
DC: Doctored GVP or Suave conditioner
Cleanser: Bentonite clay
Someone mentioned "Nice Guys™", but I don't think this is the same at all. With Nice Guys, the assumption is that the woman owes the man something (her time, a date, sex, whatever) just because he puts in the minimum effort to look like a decent human being. I think the posters like WhoMe? are not taking about that at all. Women don't owe any man anything. I do think sometimes they owe themselves the chance to get to know someone truly awesome, not miss out just because he is 5' 8' and you only date guys who are 6'. And just because you dated one short guy that one time and he was a jerk doors not mean all short guys are jerks. No, you should not be south someone whom you find physically repulsive, but there is a big range out there between Quasimodo and Joe Mangianella. Besides, if you are in for the long haul, time and gravity make hideous trolls of us all (to quote Dan Savage), so no matter how hot someone is now, they won't look like that forever so you better have something else keeping you together.
LAwoman and Amneris like this.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
If they're hot and I Find them attractive and I like them and they're awesome...why would they not be hot to me forever?

I don't understand.


I mean the proof is in the Joe Biden.


I also don't understand why everyone is assuming when someone calls someone hot that it means they're automatically a perfect person, and that nothing else matters. I'm hot and I'm not perfect. I admit it.
Saria likes this.

Last edited by murrrcat; 02-23-2013 at 09:22 AM.

We can just agree to disagree. I don't think someone who fulfills you is "ideal". I think that's necessary for a happy long term relationship. It's ideal if that person is also sterotypically hot (meaning, cover of GQ hot), because then you have the added bonus of showing him off to your friends and neighbors. But really, if you're writing off all the non-GQ guys right off the bat, the MAN are you missing out. The guy should be attractive to you, not just plain attractive. Two totally different things, as has been mentioned regarding the thread on hot guys...everyone has different opinions!

You should never settle. But man I feel sorry for all the women out there who think they didn't settle, or worse, are still single and refusing to settle, and think anything less than GQ-hot is settling.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I just think one should be physically attracted to their SO. Like you gotta turn me on more than I turn myself on. (and we all know I dazzle myself).

I think settling is marrying a nice guy that you get along with that you (gy) can have a stable, comfortable (not just financially but emotionally) future with. Ya you (gy) may care for him, but that's not enough for me.

There are plenty of good men out there, but should I give them a chance just because they are Good Men? Idts. And I don't think I'm missing out either.

He's gotta make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor.
Originally Posted by annabananalise
I agree with you on this, but I will say that after years together, it would be very unusual (though maybe not impossible) if you wanted to la la on the floor all the time. Life changes, stresses, pregnancy/babies, down periods in your lives etc. can create times when that's not really going on, so you better have something else to act as your "glue" for those times.

I think that this discussion is treating the issue as if it's an either/or thing. Attractiveness and sex appeal are important. So are the less superficial aspects of relationships. You don't and shouldn't have to give either one up to be happy or fulfilled.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Okay, but nobody claimed those things weren't important. One poster ranted about shallow women and some of us responded that physical attraction can't just be ignored by some of us.
Nor did anyone talk about some ridiculous physical standards that all men must absolutely pass.
As for Nice Guys, it's not just that they think women owe them anything, it's that they also criticize women for dating men who are physically attractive (because if a guy is hot he must be a jerk, unlike nice guys like them). Right, because men don't spend their time chasing after women who are more attractive than they are. And because men admonish each other for not giving that homely-looking, but nice woman a chance.
And y'all can keep Joe Mangianello. He's utterly meh as far as I'm concerned.

Last edited by Saria; 02-23-2013 at 10:12 AM.
If they're hot and I Find them attractive and I like them and they're awesome...why would they not be hot to me forever?

I don't understand.


I mean the proof is in the Joe Biden.


I also don't understand why everyone is assuming when someone calls someone hot that it means they're automatically a perfect person, and that nothing else matters. I'm hot and I'm not perfect. I admit it.
Originally Posted by murrrcat
Yes, you are! Well, you would be if you showered.

Last edited by Saria; 02-23-2013 at 10:20 AM.
Speckla
Guest
Posts: n/a
Looks fade, illness happens, stretch marks/wrinkles/hemmhroids, and other unpleasant and unsexiness occurs over the years and this can definitely take its toll on a relationship if there is nothing beyond just physical attraction. Love and attraction turns into a deeper physical, emotional, and spiritual bond.

I don't want to quote a bunch of cliches but there's nothing sweeter and more evident of love to me when my husband is rubbing my back after watching me throw up and he is comforting me because I am crying and upset. He helps me into the shower because I had had surgery and I cannot stand up on my own and I'm too sick to wash my own hair. I have wiped his mouth and helped clean him up after he has vomited due to having the flu and he is too weak to get up. To me love and the secret is to accept the whole person - sexiness, weakness, illness, and all in between and the love grows stronger. I don't expect my husband to be perfect and I will tell him when I think he's wrong but I give him my support and love to help him through an ordeal. He does the same for me. We are individuals and need to be able to function separately but we are also a unit and need to be able to function together.

Sex? It does get better over the years. Let's just say that it's nearly every other day after 20 years. We need a day inbetween to recover. His kisses still make my toes curly because I can feel the passion and love when we kiss. It can be a quick peck or a long smoochie. I guess I can say he's sexier now that ever because sexiness is from head to toe and everything inbetween - not just limited to physical appearance. Personality and a sense of humor is the smexiest!
spring1onu and B-wavy like this.

Last edited by Speckla; 02-23-2013 at 10:43 AM.
And y'all can keep Joe Mangianello. He's utterly meh as far as I'm concerned.
Originally Posted by Saria
Oh mah werd, we just agreed on a lack of man-traction (man attraction).




Byron,GA> Charleston, SC> Jacksonville, FL> Guilford, CT> Rohnert Park, CA! A southern drawl in sunny Cali! .
The amount of time from slipping on the peel and landing on the pavement is exactly one bananosecond.
I do have a secret yen for pink in unexpected places. ~ninja dog
I've decided that I'll never get down to my original weight, and I'm OK with that--After all, 8 pounds 2 oz. is just not realistic.
Y'all act like we don't know that. WE KNOW THAT. But don't deny somebody's right to hotness. Eric Northman still sexy if he puking up blood all over my shoes at a restaurant, got diarrhea explosion, snot hanging out his nose, a tooth missing. You guyse are trying really hard to make me embrace the ugly but no, no I will not. You can take a man out of sexy but you cannot take a sexy out of a man.
Saria and annabananalise like this.
No one is trying to make anyone embrace anything. By all means, if what you are doing is working for you, then keep working it. I just know what worked for me.
Amneris likes this.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
Also, Joe M. does not do much for me either. I just used him as a genetic hotness example.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
When I think of settling I don't necessarily think about physical attractiveness. I think of it more like, "this person has all the qualities I'd want in a spouse, so I'd better hold on to them," even though they're really not that compatible/don't spark with/etc. One woman I know dated her husband for 10 years, was so clearly not that into him, but he was good-looking, a genuinely good man, hard working, etc., etc., everything she wanted in a husband, so she stayed with him (and put off his desire for marriage) for years, I thinking hoping she'd meet someone with the same qualities who did it for her. That didn't happen, so when she neared 30 and her biological clock started thinking she finally married him. They seem to be fine, not unlike a many stable marriages I know. And I've known more men to settle than women. They find women who check off all requirements on their, "Good Wife" list, and marry her without more thought than that.

The way I've seen "settling" done just sounds a lot like modern arranged marriages to me, except both parties aren't in the loop. It's practical, done by people who just want to be married to a non-******* and have a good home for kids. Not something I would do, but I'm not interested in marriage anyway, and I'd have to be romance-novel level in love for me to consider it.
Eres o te haces?
For me settling is staying with someone I know isn't right just because I want to be married or I like to security etc. honestly? There's nothing wrong with that, I need more but not everyone wants what I want just don't judge me for making different choices. I know people who aren't passionate about their spouse but their values align and their expectations of marriage is not mine. Most of the men I've dated I wasn't hot for at first, but their personality and out level of compatibility changes that. I'm going out this week with a man who isn't my physical ideal but we crazy clicked and I'm very excited hot to me is all I care about.
If they're hot and I Find them attractive and I like them and they're awesome...why would they not be hot to me forever?

I don't understand.


I mean the proof is in the Joe Biden.


I also don't understand why everyone is assuming when someone calls someone hot that it means they're automatically a perfect person, and that nothing else matters. I'm hot and I'm not perfect. I admit it.
Originally Posted by murrrcat
Because there seems to be just SO MUCH focus on whether a man is "hot"... and when people start talking about how all the men or most of the men are ugly, it does tend to imply that there are some very, very high standards being applied. Writing people off as "ugly" is very judgmental and implies that you yourself are universally accepted as a great beauty. Saying that it is important to you to be sexually attracted to your partner is very different than saying "5'8 and balding just isn't gonna cut it." I mean, DUH, you want your partner to be attractive, and I just don't know many people who would seriously suggest otherwise. Maybe we just interpret the word "hot" differently, but when I hear "he must be hot" or "I don't want anyone ugly", I hear "he must look like a model/movie star" or "he must be perfect", not "he must be attractive to me." If it is the latter, obviously I have no argument with that.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali












Last edited by Amneris; 02-24-2013 at 02:13 AM.
Speckla
Guest
Posts: n/a
I never did answer your question.

I wanted someone who I could talk to, laugh with, share all my life experiences, and I knew at a young age what I wanted in a mate. My family was terrible and I saw how not to treat a spouse. I knew what I didn't want.

He has wonderful parents and I had seen the way he talked to his mother and how he talked about her when she was not around. He loves and respects her and he treats me the same way. He had a good example growing up.

We just clicked when we first met and we knew we were going to get married early in our relationship.

I could say that looks do not matter but that's not really accurate. He was very cute and I was very physically attracted to him. I would not have had a relationship if I wasn't attracted to him. It's a cliche but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

He totally had all the qualities I looked for in a friend. I could see us as friends even if there were no romantic feelings. He's funny, we can laugh together, we like some of the same books and movies. He is very scientific and I am very artistic. We are different but not so different that we do not have similar interest. We share the same religious views but vary a bit in politics.

I cannot put it into simple words because I get too emotional (in a good way) when I start talking about my husband.
spring1onu likes this.

Last edited by Speckla; 02-24-2013 at 10:19 AM.
For me settling is staying with someone I know isn't right just because I want to be married or I like to security etc. honestly? There's nothing wrong with that, I need more but not everyone wants what I want just don't judge me for making different choices. I know people who aren't passionate about their spouse but their values align and their expectations of marriage is not mine. Most of the men I've dated I wasn't hot for at first, but their personality and out level of compatibility changes that. I'm going out this week with a man who isn't my physical ideal but we crazy clicked and I'm very excited hot to me is all I care about.
Originally Posted by Nej
Yeah, I was married and had a life that, by outward appearances, most women would want.

But he and I weren't compatible and the relationship quickly turned into more of an unhappy roommate situation than a marriage.

I tried to stay and make it work but I couldn't.

I suspect a lot of ppl do just that, tho. And I'm not mad at them. But I am careful not to look to every married couple as an example or ideal.
legends likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com