Married People Please Tell Me....

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what have you found to be the most important characteristics in keeping your marriage happy?
i mean, when you selected your partner, what things did you see in your partner, that you chose, were the things that were vital in your marriage?

i mean, was it chemistry?
financial stability?
intelligence?
humor?
that you were alike?
that you were different?
that you got along well with their family?

what things have you found to be most important and what have you found to not really be important at all?
OMG IT'S FRAU!!!
Erm, I'm forever-alone, so I can't actually answer this. Helpful, huh?
I think chemistry is what draws people together, but not what necessarily keeps them together. For me, the three most important things are:
- balance of personalities (We're similar in some ways, but also very different in others.)
- similar interests (We like doing stuff together.)
- having some independent time (I go a bit crazy if i don't have some "me time" - just a couple hours every week.)
was it chemistry? initially yes but we still have it

financial stability? we have the same financial habits so we are compatible and do not argue about money

intelligence? yes, I need to have a conversation without having to backtrack and explain everything.

humor? DEFINATELY! He can make me laugh with no warning. He can always make me smile

that you were alike? in religious practices and beliefs, how we raise children, how we feel about family

that you were different? we are opposites politically: he is conservative and old-fashioned and I am liberal and think most of history should not be repeated

that you got along well with their family? this definately helps!


The most important thing is that we love each other unconditionally and respect each other, even when we don't want to. I do stupid stuff and I can tell by the look on his face what he is thinking, but he'd never disrespect me. He knows I am smart enough to know what I've done without making an issue of it. Same thing when he does something stupid.

I really like my husband. Not just love him, but really, really like him. It "bothers" our children when one of us hugs the other one and says, "I like you" and the response is "I like you too." Normally this is followed by "I love you too..." Since this is the second marriage for each of us, we value the fact that we like each other.

I rarely liked my first husband and I don't think he liked me at all, ever. And we see how that turned out.
what have you found to be the most important characteristics in keeping your marriage happy?
i mean, when you selected your partner, what things did you see in your partner, that you chose, were the things that were vital in your marriage?

i mean, was it chemistry?
financial stability?
intelligence?
humor?
that you were alike?
that you were different?
that you got along well with their family?

what things have you found to be most important and what have you found to not really be important at all?
Originally Posted by frau
Well, everything you mentioned really helps, at least in my experience. I'll just add one more thing that, for me at least, set my DH apart from the competition, and it was that he's willing to give me space and let me be myself. Many of my friends act like these qualities are (or should be) automatic in a partner, but they haven't been in my past relationships. Other men wanted to change me, and I too easily gave in to that, without even realizing. It was such an amazing feeling to find someone who didn't want me to change one bit.
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Chemistry got us together. Trust and respect lead to our commitment. Desire, companionship and (seemingly forever growing) boundaries appear to be keeping us together FYI, we're 4 years in and still new! But we are both still looking forward to the next 4...
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1. Humor - he has to make me laugh. Really comes in handy when I feel like killing him.

2. Consideration - we both do special things to please the other, keep each other informed on what/where/when we're doing stuff, and remember to use our please and thank yous. In short, we practice common courtesy.

3. Values - I can tolerate a lot of differences with friends and family, but for my life partner, I really need to be compatible religiously (or lack thereof), socially, and politically.

Sex and money are important too...but only if they are bad or missing...and they tend to come-and-go...and you'll be able to withstand the loss of them if you have the top three things above. Intelligence and being able to have meaningful conversations helps a lot too, but if everything else was there, I could tolerate fewer smarts.

And, yeah, he has to have a serious career.
Everything everyone has mentioned is really important. For me, chemistry brought us together. Now, although were still very physically attracted to each other, we have a deeper spiritual and emotional connection. We are very alike in some ways and very different in others. Its a good Balance because we have conversation and discussion about the things we have in common but we are also able to debate our differing opinions. Overall though, common courtesy (please/ty/bless you/good morning/good night) is something we purposely continue to do, intimacy is also very important, i think its what separates my.relationship with him from any other relationship. Getting along with his family also helps. Im one of the few that believes Money issues arent that big of a deal, unless of course you have other issues and the Money or lack thereof worsens the problem.

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1. Humor - he has to make me laugh. Really comes in handy when I feel like killing him.

2. Consideration - we both do special things to please the other, keep each other informed on what/where/when we're doing stuff, and remember to use our please and thank yous. In short, we practice common courtesy.

3. Values - I can tolerate a lot of differences with friends and family, but for my life partner, I really need to be compatible religiously (or lack thereof), socially, and politically.

Sex and money are important too...but only if they are bad or missing...and they tend to come-and-go...and you'll be able to withstand the loss of them if you have the top three things above. Intelligence and being able to have meaningful conversations helps a lot too, but if everything else was there, I could tolerate fewer smarts.

And, yeah, he has to have a serious career.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
I'd put the thing about career right in there with values. It's not something separate, to me. Otherwise, I totally agree with this...although I'm not married we've been together 5 years and own a house together.


The one other thing I'd add is that both people have to have the same idea of what constitutes "a relationship". For example, do you need to talk on the phone/text 5 times per day, or if you barely speak for a few days is that OK? Can you have your own friends and social life apart from each other, or do you always have to be doing things together? What constitutes cheating (sex without any emotional intimacy, online-only relationship, porn, emotional intimacy without sex, going to a strip club, etc.).
Amneris likes this.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
1. Humor - he has to make me laugh. Really comes in handy when I feel like killing him.

2. Consideration - we both do special things to please the other, keep each other informed on what/where/when we're doing stuff, and remember to use our please and thank yous. In short, we practice common courtesy.

3. Values - I can tolerate a lot of differences with friends and family, but for my life partner, I really need to be compatible religiously (or lack thereof), socially, and politically.

Sex and money are important too...but only if they are bad or missing...and they tend to come-and-go...and you'll be able to withstand the loss of them if you have the top three things above. Intelligence and being able to have meaningful conversations helps a lot too, but if everything else was there, I could tolerate fewer smarts.

And, yeah, he has to have a serious career.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
I'd put the thing about career right in there with values. It's not something separate, to me. Otherwise, I totally agree with this...although I'm not married we've been together 5 years and own a house together.


The one other thing I'd add is that both people have to have the same idea of what constitutes "a relationship". For example, do you need to talk on the phone/text 5 times per day, or if you barely speak for a few days is that OK? Can you have your own friends and social life apart from each other, or do you always have to be doing things together? What constitutes cheating (sex without any emotional intimacy, online-only relationship, porn, emotional intimacy without sex, going to a strip club, etc.).
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I agree, I find it easier and doable for me if you have the same idea and needs from a relationship. Compromise in major areas suck especially if there's too many going on.

For those who have been married for a while, how similar are your interests and do you think that makes a huge difference if you have many separate interests? It makes all the difference for me since I like my bf to be my best friend as well(activity partner wise)
did any of you settle?
did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

(no one wants to marry me, just wondering)
Financials definitely weren't important to me at the time since we were only 17 when we met. I think all that mattered to me back then was that I thought he was cute, made me laugh like nobody else could, and was just so incredibly nice and caring toward me and others. Once we got in each others pants that was that, I was in love.

We have a lot of important big things in common like neither of us want children, our views on religion are very similar, our politics are pretty similar as well and we both believe everyone should be treated fairly no matter their ethnicity or sexual preference. I could never be with someone who is racist or homophobic.

We do have a lot of the same interests, but we also have a lot that are total opposite and it all balances out and works well. He's incredibly smart and always learning about new things. His brain is sex-ay.

I think it's also a huge bonus that I get along with his family really well and he with mine. He is the son my father never had. Get those two together and I barely get a word in.

He's my best friend and the best man I know.




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did any of you settle?
did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

(no one wants to marry me, just wondering)
Originally Posted by frau
I made the semi-reasonable decision to marry the decent guy who treated me alright so we could have an acceptable life...and it didn't work out.

I wouldn't call it settling and I did love him but I there was a whole lot missing.
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I left humor out of mine, but I think that is definitely important. I also think it's a huge part of chemistry. Of course, chemistry is related to sexual attraction, but it's also how people relate to one another in other ways. And I think, contrary to what I originally said, that is part of chemistry that keeps a relationship going strong. For us, after having a baby, while still attracted to one another, sex was nearly impossible (birth complications) and we were more connected than ever before. Bonding over a child has certainly changed our relationship for the better, but I don't know that that is something that necessarily makes a marriage work for everyone.
did any of you settle?
did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

(no one wants to marry me, just wondering)
Originally Posted by frau
I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

"It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.
LAwoman, divegirl and Amneris like this.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
The things that keep our marriage together and keep us happy include:

* We both communicate well and often - one of the things we base our marriage on is, "Say it. I can't read your mind!"

* We both are very slow to anger

* We are both laid back - Felix even more than me

* We make each other laugh

* We are both optimists

* We each put the other first. His needs come before mine for me, and my needs come before his for him.

* We totally have each others' backs and support each other no matter what. I'm on his side and he's on mine. We present a united and loving front to everyone.

* We see ourselves as a family, our own little family unit, together forever.

* And finally, my husband is just SO NICE. Everyone loves him because he is just the sweetest guy in the world, with a quick smile and good word for everyone. This makes my life so very, very easy.
maria_i, spring1onu, Saria and 2 others like this.
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^Aw, I always enjoy reading your posts about your husband.
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I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

"It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I totally agree. I was trying to think of a way to phrase this and you did it better than I could have I am not married but my relationship with my boyfriend is the best one of my life. He's not what I would have normally been attracted to, physically. But he's an amazing man and our relationship is everything I ever wanted - loving, supportive, communicative, funny, etc. So to me, "settling" refers to my previous relationships where the physical chemistry was instant and intense, but did not satisfy my emotional needs.

After my last crash-and-burn, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted a relationship to look like - how I wanted myself to be, and what I truly wanted in a man. Then he came along

One of the things I enjoy the most about our relationship (besides the great sex, the love and support, the enjoyment of spending time together, the humor, etc, etc) is the complete absence of NEGATIVE feelings. There's no doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, insecurity, angst, jealousy, or anger. It's such a RELIEF.
did any of you settle?
did any of you choose the nice guy who maybe didn't make your heart skip a beat, but he was kind and nice?
did any of you make the reasonable decision to marry vs the heart decision to marry and it worked?
does that kind of marriage work, where maybe passion isn't high on the list?

(no one wants to marry me, just wondering)
Originally Posted by frau
I hate the term "settling" because I think it's so often misused. I just posted this on another thread:

"It's not "settling" because the guy is only 5'8" and balding and didn't finish college, if he turns out to be the most wonderful man you've ever met and the best sex you've ever had and an amazing partner. It is "settling", however, if you are with the guy even though he doesn't make you feel amazing, even if he's 6'3", hot, and a millionaire."

People always use the term "settling" to refer to a guy being "not good enough" or "not as good as they could do". That's ********. A relationship/marriage isn't about who has the hottest husband, and who had to "settle least" because their husband is hotter and/or makes more money. The people who "settle" are those who accept a relationship with a man who doesn't fulfill them, just because they want a relationship. I think this often happens with shallow women who just want to snag a hot husband. They're the ones who settle. Not the happily married women who's husbands don't look like the cover of GQ.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
Some of this reads like it came straight out of the Nice Guy handbook.
this is hot guy bashing. LOL. Damn can't hot people be good people also? or no.. all hot people are evil and crappy.

also hot is different to everyone. I mean haven't you (gy) seen the threads in which we discuss the sexiness of males everyone has different opinions.

don't worry someone finds that 5'8 bald didn't go to college "ugly" (how does that make one ugly, bald people can be hot too) dude hot. he will be loved *in adam levigne's voice to the tune of that song that goes....she will be loved*
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