Dating... a 15 year difference.

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i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!
Originally Posted by thelio
That IS dirt!!!

I agree with the others, I'd run far and fast.

I also can't help but notice that in the OP, you said "how do I know if he wants more children?" (and I seriously mean this in the nicest possible way) but if you aren't mature enough to just come out and ASK HIM a question like that when he is being straightforward with YOU and putting HIS expectations on the table, then I don't think you are in a place to be in a relationship with someone of that age and life experience, either.
Originally Posted by Narnia
His family never said a word to me. One of HIS friends let me know what was up. Anyway. I have not asked him those important questions yet because I don't want to get any deeper than I already am. Asking about kids and other "marriage" stuff may lead him to think that I want to be with him. Does that make sense? Basically I was trying to keep it superficial until I knew exactly waht I wanted to do.
"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you." Proverbs 1:22-23
AND PROUD!
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My father was 15 years older than my mother. It didn't seem like that big of a span when I was young, but as they got older, I noticed she was still young and he was starting to seem like an old man. Plus he got sick in his mid 50's, was bedridden, and she became more of a caretaker than a wife at a young age (which I know can happen at any age, but it is more likely when there is a large age span between the two).

I have a SIL who is about 12 yrs younger than my brother. He is retired but she still has several years to work before hitting retirement age. They should be traveling and doing things together but their age difference is preventing it.

A daughter of friends just married a man 15 years older. She is in her early 30's; he his late 40's. They just had a baby. He is going to be putting a child through college when he should be enjoying retirement.

As you age, so does he. The difference becomes much more noticeable. I personally wouldn't recommend such a large gap.
Originally Posted by munchkin


Yup. I know older women with very elderly husbands. They spend their 50's and 60's...which really should be their golden years...taking care of an old man. And then, after years spent wiping old-man-butt, the old man dies, and, guess what...there's no retirement savings left for her. She's gotta work in her 70's.
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My father was 15 years older than my mother. It didn't seem like that big of a span when I was young, but as they got older, I noticed she was still young and he was starting to seem like an old man. Plus he got sick in his mid 50's, was bedridden, and she became more of a caretaker than a wife at a young age (which I know can happen at any age, but it is more likely when there is a large age span between the two).

I have a SIL who is about 12 yrs younger than my brother. He is retired but she still has several years to work before hitting retirement age. They should be traveling and doing things together but their age difference is preventing it.

A daughter of friends just married a man 15 years older. She is in her early 30's; he his late 40's. They just had a baby. He is going to be putting a child through college when he should be enjoying retirement.

As you age, so does he. The difference becomes much more noticeable. I personally wouldn't recommend such a large gap.
Originally Posted by munchkin


Yup. I know older women with very elderly husbands. They spend their 50's and 60's...which really should be their golden years...taking care of an old man. And then, after years spent wiping old-man-butt, the old man dies, and, guess what...there's no retirement savings left for her. She's gotta work in her 70's.
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
My mother spent her mid- to late-40s caring for my father after his stroke until he died at 60 from pneumonia caused by permanent bed rest (he was completely paralyzed by it and could only blink). She was only 47 when he died. It was so hard watching my mother go through that and watching her put her life together again and figure out who she was afterwards.
"...just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face." ~Harry Dresden


The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!
Originally Posted by thelio
That IS dirt!!!
Originally Posted by Narnia
His family never said a word to me. One of HIS friends let me know what was up.
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
I'm glad you got away before marrying him. Here's a hint: You marry the family as well as the man, so any family who would do this to you, is pure trash and should be avoided.
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No offense, but the "Does he want more kids" thing struck me too. I know you don't want to get too deep, but you have to know these types of things.

I think that since you are asking us if it will work and not asking him the questions that will determine this leads me to say no. It's not that it can't work, but it seems like you are already questioning it.

I hate getting too deep, but one of my male friends is always saying that this is how women get into trouble. They don't ask enough questions BEFORE they get involved.

-------

Sorry about your ex. That just happened with a friend of mine. He just went to his live-in girlfriend and told her that he had a 3month-old. Yes, I yelled at him.
afrodominican1 likes this.
I am 42. I would never consider dating a 27 year old. NEVER. Would you date a 10 year old? Nope, you would not.

Later in life, like if both of you had been married and had kids, 15 years difference wouldn't be that big a deal but you have so many "firsts" ahead of you and I think you should share those firsts with someone for whom they will also be firsts.

Run, girl, run.
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I'm with everyone else. When I was your age (why does saying that make me sound so ancient? Anyhoo...) I dated an older guy who was divorced with a son that lived in another state. I didn't find out for months that there was an 11 year age difference between us. He evaded mentioning his age to me for so long because he feared I'd bolt. In hindsight, I probably should have bolted way sooner than I did because we were most definitely not at the same stage in our lives at all. That age gap may not be huge to a lot of people, but I didn't have kids and I had never married, while he had a lot of baggage by comparison. Plus, he was a workaholic and he spent holidays and many weekends with his son. I was not a priority whatsoever. In fact, we didn't have much of a relationship at all and on average, we saw each other maybe once every 5 weeks. Sad, huh? It turned out to be more of a FWB more than anything else. Some women can handle that, but I was not emotionally healthy enough to do that then. I won't ever enter into a relationship like that again. I don't think you have enough in common with this guy for it to last in the long run and the fact that you're questioning it proves how hesitant you are. Keep it movin'.
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I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".
"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you." Proverbs 1:22-23
AND PROUD!
BC: 2/16/08
Second BC: 12/22/10
Goal Length: MBL Curly

http://www.fotki.com/afrodominican1
Princess Tiara, Guardian of the Crystal Heart of the Indigo Seas, in the Order of the Curly Crusaders
My husband is 14 years older than me. I met him when I was 19. I think relationships with a big age difference can work but it really depends on the individuals and their particular relationship. There are issues that can arise like having kids, in your case more kids, blending families ect. You really have to consider all his baggage ( for lack of a better term) and really think about whether you can accept it all. Love is fantastic but unfortunately there is much more to a relationship and you need to sort out all the issues that could arise. Put all your worries and concerns right out on the table and determine if you both want the same things because you may be at different stages in life and have different goals.

No one can really tell you not to be with him just based on his age, you are the one that knows him and only you can decide if you can accept his age and everything else that comes with it. Try to think further ahead, do you think you will still be able to accept his age 5 years from now? 10?

My husband and I are compatible in many ways so I don't even notice the difference. We want the same thing and we make it work.
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I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
Oh I just read this after replying.
Well it seems like you got that all sorted out. Was he on a mission to get married? If so I wonder what his motivations and intentions were....
Either way it sounds like you are better off without him.


My blog: http://diaryofatrendaholic.blogspot.ca/
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I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
Oh I just read this after replying.
Well it seems like you got that all sorted out. Was he on a mission to get married? If so I wonder what his motivations and intentions were....
Either way it sounds like you are better off without him.
Originally Posted by Ericachristina
Erica your first post is truth. I can appreciate that. To the second one, Now I think he just wants to get married to someone. I get the feeling he wants someone younger so that he can say, "these are the rules to the game. You want in?" type thing. He wants someone but someone already molded into what he wants. I guess. Idk. I know Im not going to go further with him.
"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you." Proverbs 1:22-23
AND PROUD!
BC: 2/16/08
Second BC: 12/22/10
Goal Length: MBL Curly

http://www.fotki.com/afrodominican1
Princess Tiara, Guardian of the Crystal Heart of the Indigo Seas, in the Order of the Curly Crusaders
He cut straight to the point and said to me "if you think that this could work out then let me know. Don't try to spare my feelings. Im looking for someone to settle down with."
Besides if I fall for this guy and we decide to get married how do I know he wants more children. I do plan to have children of my own someday.
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
I have a couple general comments for you, since you mentioned you don't have much experience. First, you can't know if something will "work out" with someone until you try it out (I.e. dating). A near-stranger who wants something serious is always a red flag. He doesn't know you, so why would he be ready to jump into a serious relationship with you?! Red flag. And once you ARE getting to know someone, as you get more serious you'll get to know their feelings on all sorts of topics, such as if they want more kids. You should NEVER get serious with someone until you're completely comfortable with you mutual ideas for moving forward and what the future holds. So don't worry about that kind of thing when you're just starting to date someone.
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"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
I called the guy today to let him know that I did not want to date him and I gave him the reasons. His response was,"ok. You know anyone looking to get married?" I hung up the phone but not before saying," dumb @ss".
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
So strange! You dodged a bullet, girl.
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yeah! thank God!
"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you." Proverbs 1:22-23
AND PROUD!
BC: 2/16/08
Second BC: 12/22/10
Goal Length: MBL Curly

http://www.fotki.com/afrodominican1
Princess Tiara, Guardian of the Crystal Heart of the Indigo Seas, in the Order of the Curly Crusaders
It seems to me that this "old fart" is trying to get a young woman by dandling the marriage carrot over her face.
I say "old fart" in quotes because I am 42. Seems like he has figured out some women will fall for the chance to get married so he is throwing the I am a serious man that wants marriage to get his pray.

I don't think he is serious at all if he is going after a 25 year old. I would not date a 25 year old because it is too big a difference emotionally to me. Never mind the physical differences discussed here at you get older. At 25 you are still discovering things. You want to do that with another person closer in age to you. There is no benefit to you getting involved with a man that has 4 kids. There is no room there for you. He just wants someone to help him pay his bills because he is probably is really bad shape financially paying child support. If you have a child with this man you will be supporting him/her all by yourself and helping pay for those other 4 too.

I am glad you bailed out.
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Last edited by violets; 03-23-2013 at 04:51 PM.
There is no benefit to you getting involved with a man that has 4 kids.
Originally Posted by violets


This can't be said often or loud enough. There is NO benefit to a young woman to take on a man with four kids. None.

The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!
Originally Posted by thelio
That IS dirt!!!

I agree with the others, I'd run far and fast.

I also can't help but notice that in the OP, you said "how do I know if he wants more children?" (and I seriously mean this in the nicest possible way) but if you aren't mature enough to just come out and ASK HIM a question like that when he is being straightforward with YOU and putting HIS expectations on the table, then I don't think you are in a place to be in a relationship with someone of that age and life experience, either.
Originally Posted by Narnia
His family never said a word to me. One of HIS friends let me know what was up. Anyway. I have not asked him those important questions yet because I don't want to get any deeper than I already am. Asking about kids and other "marriage" stuff may lead him to think that I want to be with him. Does that make sense? Basically I was trying to keep it superficial until I knew exactly waht I wanted to do.
Originally Posted by afrodominican1
You sound smart. I think you'll do the right thing here -- move on!

ETA: sounds like you already did!

Last edited by wild~hair; 03-23-2013 at 12:42 PM.
I thank you ladies for your input. i have not heard from the 40 year old guy nor our mutual friend since. i not worried though. im glad i have ppl that will give it to me straight.
"How long will you simple ones love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you." Proverbs 1:22-23
AND PROUD!
BC: 2/16/08
Second BC: 12/22/10
Goal Length: MBL Curly

http://www.fotki.com/afrodominican1
Princess Tiara, Guardian of the Crystal Heart of the Indigo Seas, in the Order of the Curly Crusaders
My husband is 14 years older than me. I met him when I was 19. I think relationships with a big age difference can work but it really depends on the individuals and their particular relationship. There are issues that can arise like having kids, in your case more kids, blending families ect. You really have to consider all his baggage ( for lack of a better term) and really think about whether you can accept it all. Love is fantastic but unfortunately there is much more to a relationship and you need to sort out all the issues that could arise. Put all your worries and concerns right out on the table and determine if you both want the same things because you may be at different stages in life and have different goals.

No one can really tell you not to be with him just based on his age, you are the one that knows him and only you can decide if you can accept his age and everything else that comes with it. Try to think further ahead, do you think you will still be able to accept his age 5 years from now? 10?

My husband and I are compatible in many ways so I don't even notice the difference. We want the same thing and we make it work.
Originally Posted by Ericachristina
All the examples I made, the couples were compatible in many ways, but old age and health caught up with some of them. I would not want my husband to be retired and me still have another 10 years to work. Then possibly after those 10 years I want to travel but his health and age hold us back. Sometimes people don't look long term. When you are older like me, you have witnessed instances in which situations like this have played a part in relationships.
3b/c
It seems to me that this "old fart" is trying to get a young woman by dandling the marriage carrot over her face.
I say "old fart" in quotes because I am 42. Seems like he has figured out some women will fall for the chance to get married so he is throwing the I am a serious man that wants marriage to get his pray.

I don't think he is serious at all if he is going after a 25 year old. I would not date a 25 year old because it is too big a difference emotionally to me. Never mind the physical differences discussed here at you get older. At 25 you are still discovering things. You want to do that with another person closer in age to you. There is no benefit to you getting involved with a man that has 4 kids. There is no room there for you. He just wants someone to help him pay his bills because he is probably is really bad shape financially paying child support. If you have a child with this man you will be supporting him/her all by yourself and helping pay for those other 4 too.

I am glad you bailed out.
Originally Posted by violets
You're so wise...and funny.

(I know I owe you an email. Talk soon!)
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