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-   -   Dating... a 15 year difference. (http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/non-hair-discussion/156356-dating-15-year-difference.html)

afrodominican1 03-20-2013 09:29 PM

Dating... a 15 year difference.
 
I met this guy through a mutual friend and he is very nice. We have similar interests and seem to get along well. He is totally different from the type I have dated before. He cut straight to the point and said to me "if you think that this could work out then let me know. Don't try to spare my feelings. Im looking for someone to settle down with." I would not hesitate to date this guy if it were not for the fact that Im 25 and he is 40.

I get that age is just a number but there are certain things that I must take into consideration. For instance he has 4 children. He divorced last year. I have never been married nor do I have children. Besides if I fall for this guy and we decide to get married how do I know he wants more children. I do plan to have children of my own someday.

I NEED SOME INSIGHT. I dont have much experience in dating, especially dating an older guy. I have been single for the past 6 years and am enjoying every minute of it. I don't want to hop into something this big and make a mess of it. Advice please?

RedCatWaves 03-20-2013 09:58 PM

I would suggest you keep moving. There are many reasons 40 year old men date 25 year old women...and none of them are healthy.

I was that 25 year old woman, and I did marry a 40 year old man...with 4 kids. Frigging nightmare. These chicken hawk older men are immature and difficult people. And they don't get better with age. Guaranteed that you will pass his emotional maturity fairly quickly and you will be wondering why the hell he is so emotionally stunted. Any emotionally healthy 40 year old man should be looking for a woman more his own age, with whom he has a lot more in common.

Amneris 03-20-2013 10:04 PM

You are at way different places in your lives.

You've never had an adult relationship. He's been married.

You have no children. He has FOUR.

Your future is an open book. He has ties to an ex and a life that doesn't include you. He was probably marrying and having kids when you were in middle school.

This isn't the recipe for a successful relationship.

When I was about 21, I had a man who was in his early 30s, divorced with two little kids, who was very interested in me. We were close and he was a good person and in many ways, we had a lot in common, but I didn't pursue a relationship with him for the reasons discussed above. It might be temporarily painful for one or both of you to break it off but it's ultimately in both of your best interests.

I think 15 years is more significant when you are younger. If you were 43 and he were 58 and you were both divorced with kids it might not be as much of a problem as it is now.

Wiregirl 03-20-2013 10:22 PM

Move on baby girl! (I mean that with all do respect)

Monkey_ 03-20-2013 10:40 PM

If you have to ask us if this is right, then you know you have thought it may be wrong. I agree with what others have said. On the other hand though, my boyfriend and I have a 10 year difference and things are great. We have been together for 3 years and I don't complain.

Normally, I would agree that age doesn't matter, but what the other ladies have said does sound reasonable... Do what you feel is right. Get your friends to meet the guy. Sometimes other people can tell you right away if this guy is a creep or not. When I met my boyfriend I didn't ask anyone if our age difference is going to be a problem. We simply talked about it, discussed our life goals.

Do you have a strong feeling that he is the one? Or are you simply flattered that a man has paid attention to you? (I don't mean this as an insult, but sometimes the idea of someone liking us is enough reason to consider a relationship.)

ADD: a lot of people also told me that I should be careful because of the age difference, however, those who knew my boyfriend and were friends with both of us were totally for it!

pinkwolf 03-20-2013 10:47 PM

I was in this situation before with older men and they all thought that I was either cheating or just flat out didn't trust me! And every last one had kids. I was the one in the relationship with no kids and had never been married (zero baggage).

Also you don't just deal with the man but you have to add into the equation all the ex's, baby mama drama, the chldren, I can go on and on. And honestly you are too young for all that drama.

Like everyone mentioned, move on. You have yet to experience marriage, kids. It would be nice to share these things with someone around your own age that you can discover it with. :-)

Sent from my N861 using CurlTalk App

munchkin 03-21-2013 07:04 AM

My father was 15 years older than my mother. It didn't seem like that big of a span when I was young, but as they got older, I noticed she was still young and he was starting to seem like an old man. Plus he got sick in his mid 50's, was bedridden, and she became more of a caretaker than a wife at a young age (which I know can happen at any age, but it is more likely when there is a large age span between the two).

I have a SIL who is about 12 yrs younger than my brother. He is retired but she still has several years to work before hitting retirement age. They should be traveling and doing things together but their age difference is preventing it.

A daughter of friends just married a man 15 years older. She is in her early 30's; he his late 40's. They just had a baby. He is going to be putting a child through college when he should be enjoying retirement.

As you age, so does he. The difference becomes much more noticeable. I personally wouldn't recommend such a large gap.

murrrcat 03-21-2013 07:12 AM

you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

so no.

four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

afrodominican1 03-21-2013 07:16 AM

I appreciate the advice and opinions. I think that you all are right. I should just let him know that it is not going to work out because the more I think about it we are at totally different places in life and it will continue that way for a while. i see the world as a place of many oportunities and he has already got an established life that he has settled into. Thanks for all of the advice.

The New Black 03-21-2013 07:20 AM

For some it works; for some it doesn't. It sounds like this relationship might be in the latter category. Not so much because of the age difference, but because you're so young. Live life as much as you can now so you don't regret it later.

afrodominican1 03-21-2013 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by murrrcat (Post 2141348)
you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

so no.

four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

I was going to marry my high school boyfriend but 3 years into the relationship and after he proposed I found out that he was hiding a baby that he had with a girl from his church . I broke off the engagement and have not spoken to him since.

murrrcat 03-21-2013 07:49 AM

^omg.

How do you hide a baby from someone??

People are weird.

The New Black 03-21-2013 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afrodominican1 (Post 2141352)
Quote:

Originally Posted by murrrcat (Post 2141348)
you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

so no.

four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

I was going to marry my high school boyfriend but 3 years into the relationship and after he proposed I found out that he was hiding a baby that he had with a girl from his church . I broke off the engagement and have not spoken to him since.

He had a baby during your relationship? Or before?

afrodominican1 03-21-2013 08:05 AM

i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.

afrodominican1 03-21-2013 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The New Black (Post 2141365)
Quote:

Originally Posted by afrodominican1 (Post 2141352)
Quote:

Originally Posted by murrrcat (Post 2141348)
you said you haven't been in a real relationship in 6 years....you're 25.


ummmmm not to be mean, but......you've pretty much never been in a serious relationship then.

Unless you were in a "serious" relationship in high school...and those don't count.

so no.

four kids, then you'd have five, or if you wanted two..6! ack!
No. You're 25! what the heck does he want with a 25 year old, I don't care how mature you are, you should be mature enough to question that.

Like someone said above if you were 43, and he was 58...makes more sense. In your 20's?? No.


eta: my freshman year roommate dated an older guy (like he was 35, she was 19).....No. Run. Run like the wind.

I was going to marry my high school boyfriend but 3 years into the relationship and after he proposed I found out that he was hiding a baby that he had with a girl from his church . I broke off the engagement and have not spoken to him since.

He had a baby during your relationship? Or before?

During. her entire pregnancy he never mentioned cheating or having a kid on the way.

The New Black 03-21-2013 08:25 AM

:(

thelio 03-21-2013 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afrodominican1 (Post 2141367)
i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.

The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!

The New Black 03-21-2013 09:00 AM

IKR?!

Narnia 03-21-2013 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelio (Post 2141385)
Quote:

Originally Posted by afrodominican1 (Post 2141367)
i was the good girl that he intoduced to the family. she was the party chick that he could have sex with whenever he wanted. she got pregnant an i found out about the kid 3 mos after he was born. then to make it worse there was a pic of the baby at his mom's house with the name "Jr" on it. but it didnt dawn on me that it was his kid until after i found out he had a baby.

The family knew?!?!? That's dirty!

That IS dirt!!!

I agree with the others, I'd run far and fast.

I also can't help but notice that in the OP, you said "how do I know if he wants more children?" (and I seriously mean this in the nicest possible way) but if you aren't mature enough to just come out and ASK HIM a question like that when he is being straightforward with YOU and putting HIS expectations on the table, then I don't think you are in a place to be in a relationship with someone of that age and life experience, either.

spiderlashes5000 03-21-2013 09:15 AM

Not reccommended


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