Age difference and relationships

Like Tree7Likes

Hi All, is anyone out there in a relationship with someone older than them? How about much older? I'm 35 and my husband is 50. We've been married for 5 years and together for 8. There can be challenges, lol, if you have any, let me know, k? Little things you hear like, "I was at the concert before you were born!", make me cringe, lol!
I get depressed sometimes when I think about what other women my age are doing right now, like having kids or social lives, when we don't do anything for fun and watch a lot of tv.
I moved away from my family, and he lost both of his parents before we met. He isn't very close to his sisters so we don't even visit or get visitors. He has a couple of nieces my age and they each have kids and lives so I feel like I don't fit in here. I rarely get on fb anymore because seeing everyone live life makes me wonder about the choices I've made.
I told him when we were going out that I didn't want kids but now I think I'm regretting that. I brought up the issue a couple of months ago and he definitely does not want a family. So, that's that. I'm starting to think about how lonely I'm going to be when I'm elderly. I'm lonely already.
I do love him, he makes me laugh constantly and I can't picture him with anyone else, so how do you know what you are supposed to do?
I cannot relate to the age difference thing itself but I do know about when you are with someone that wants different things out of life. I suggest making a list. What do you want to do? Have a child? Be a foster parent? Go kiyaking? hiking? travel? see local sites? get outside and exercise more? Include everything that interests you, big and little things. With the age difference, it is important that you both stay healthy and tv isn't a healthy lifestyle. Do you have a dog? Would you want to get a dog that requires walks and a lot of physical activity? Are you involved in church or community organizations? Have you ever played sports? Do you want to golf or play tennis or bowl?

I would suggest talking with him about some things you want to do and want to do them WITH him. Maybe you guys have just fallen into a comfortable rut and no one wants to suggest change because change is scary and can be hard.

Being married without kids doesn't mean you have to live a sedentary life as a hermit!!! Maybe making little activity changes will open your eyes to how much of a future you do or do not see with him. What if he will not change at all to spend quality time with you? Then you will have more information to make better life altering decisions.

You are not too old to have a child or adopt a child. Do not rule these out because he once said that he doesn't want children. Everyone is allowed to change their mind as they grow and mature. Both of you. However this is one instance where you cannot compromise so you may have to decide to give up having kids or give up your husband to have kids on your own.

I would start with recommending healthy lifestyle changes.
multicultcurly likes this.
I can't relate with the age difference but sorry you're going through that. Being in a situation with someone you love and enjoy but other things not matching up is hard.

When you were together before you were married did those differences not bother you? Do you think he changed after you got married?

Is it not possible for you to make new friends where you are at? Maybe through meetup or work? I'd think you have to.
My ex-husband married a woman 20 years younger. She definitely doesn't want children, so that hasn't been a problem for them. They use to travel together and did a lot of cookouts and swims with her sister and husband who live next door. Now all he wants to do is sit in front of the tv. She gets very frustrated. To make it worse he won't "let" her travel with her friends and doesn't even want her to go out with them locally at night. She actually divorced him a year ago, because as she told him she was tired of being married to a boring, old man. She did the online dating thing, but something happened that freaked her out (she won't tell anyone), so she asked if she could come back to him. They are living together now, but he won't remarry her.

One of my dear friends was around 20 years younger than her husband, but they had a wonderful marriage. It was a 2nd for both of them. They did so much together and traveled the world. I think it can be difficult with that kind of age difference, but it can work if both are on the same page. Doesn't sound like hubby is.
Well there's 12 years between me and my fiance, I'm 29 he's 41. We both work from home and live thousands of miles from either family. He loves nothing mote than spending time in front of the tv (especially now as I'm pregnant), but I have always thought its entirely my responsibility to curate my own social life. I arrange coffee or dinner with friends, I've joined networking groups and other activities (checkout meetup.com for interest groups in your area).

If you're not happy with the way things are going you can only change you, you can't expect him to change or make you happier.

I also doubt the age difference has much to do with it, I think men just really settle into relationships, they get super comfortable.

Sent from my HTC_Amaze_4G using CurlTalk App
2C, Medium thickness, Low posity
Recovering from a year of keratin and bleach with CG

Routine

Low Poo, Condition, Leave in, Curl cream, Supersoak, Gel, Diffuse on high heat, with minimal lift to encourage waves and reduce frizz, Dry on cool with nozzle down to smooth hair and finish drying,Shine Serum

Weekly gelatin protien treatments.
Personally, i think it's a little unfair to say you, for example, don't want kids, while you are dating, and then flip the script once you get married and say you do. You were already 30 yrs old when you married him and should have known that.

Not scolding you but just saying maybe you need to take one for the team on the issue of having kids.

But no, you should not accept him turning into a couch potato.

Get some hobbies, nurture some (female) friendships and try to have some fun in your marriage.

My exhusband is almost 12 years older than I am and it was not a fun experience. We were at very different places in our lives and really wanted and needed different things.

Sure, you can leave him for a younger man. But I dn't think that is the answer. At least try to make some changes with him.

Can you sign up together for a cooking, dancing, massage, whatever class? Or find two other couples and plan a monthly night out thing? Maybe sign up for Big Sisters and mentor some girls? Or volunteer at church or for a dog rescue or some other cause that is close to your heart so you feel needed and validated in some way (besides motherhood)?

Your situation def sounds frustrating. Just don't let yourself get so lonely you do something stupid.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Personally, i think it's a little unfair to say you, for example, don't want kids, while you are dating, and then flip the script once you get married and say you do. You were already 30 yrs old when you married him and should have known that.

Not scolding you but just saying maybe you need to take one for the team on the issue of having kids.

But no, you should not accept him turning into a couch potato.

Get some hobbies, nurture some (female) friendships and try to have some fun in your marriage.

My exhusband is almost 12 years older than I am and it was not a fun experience. We were at very different places in our lives and really wanted and needed different things.

Sure, you can leave him for a younger man. But I dn't think that is the answer. At least try to make some changes with him.

Can you sign up together for a cooking, dancing, massage, whatever class? Or find two other couples and plan a monthly night out thing? Maybe sign up for Big Sisters and mentor some girls? Or volunteer at church or for a dog rescue or some other cause that is close to your heart so you feel needed and validated in some way (besides motherhood)?

Your situation def sounds frustrating. Just don't let yourself get so lonely you do something stupid.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree with your suggestions but I don't think it's only an issue about finding a younger man but a different man with similar interests if he is not willing to compromise. I knew someone who got married and the guy did a 180 after marriage and never wanted to leave the house and they got divorced pretty quickly. That's why I asked if he was like this before or not. Because it's not fair if he flipped the switch. But quite honestly I'm about the OPs age and I can't begin to imagine even looking at a guy that way at that age.
Personally, i think it's a little unfair to say you, for example, don't want kids, while you are dating, and then flip the script once you get married and say you do. You were already 30 yrs old when you married him and should have known that.

Not scolding you but just saying maybe you need to take one for the team on the issue of having kids.

But no, you should not accept him turning into a couch potato.

Get some hobbies, nurture some (female) friendships and try to have some fun in your marriage.

My exhusband is almost 12 years older than I am and it was not a fun experience. We were at very different places in our lives and really wanted and needed different things.

Sure, you can leave him for a younger man. But I dn't think that is the answer. At least try to make some changes with him.

Can you sign up together for a cooking, dancing, massage, whatever class? Or find two other couples and plan a monthly night out thing? Maybe sign up for Big Sisters and mentor some girls? Or volunteer at church or for a dog rescue or some other cause that is close to your heart so you feel needed and validated in some way (besides motherhood)?

Your situation def sounds frustrating. Just don't let yourself get so lonely you do something stupid.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree with your suggestions but I don't think it's only an issue about finding a younger man but a different man with similar interests if he is not willing to compromise. I knew someone who got married and the guy did a 180 after marriage and never wanted to leave the house and they got divorced pretty quickly. That's why I asked if he was like this before or not. Because it's not fair if he flipped the switch. But quite honestly I'm about the OPs age and I can't begin to imagine even looking at a guy that way at that age.
Originally Posted by Josephine

I forgot to include in my first post that when we were dating, I told my exhusband that I had always wanted to be a foster parent (in addition to any bio children I might have). And he said he was Ok with that. And then he totally switched up on me after we got married. Our first one was unplanned and i had to plead w/ him for the second one and he was like hell no on the issue of foster kids. And I was so disgusted!

And mine switched up in other ways too that made marriage to him unbearable. And I think it is very unfair when anyone does that.

I think something happens to men in their 40s. Plenty of fine ass 40 year old men everywhere. But once they get to 50, they are like ughhhhhh old city! LOL But I hope my opinion on that changes. LOLOL
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I'm married to a 55 year old man (I'm 51), and he doesn't watch TV hardly at all. He's much too busy earning a living and having fun. I'd try to get your husband up and moving a little more. At over-50, if you stop moving, you shrivel up and die.
My (almost) SO will be 56 next month and he is the furthest thing from being a couch potato. He's an avid runner, hiker, plays racquet sports, golf, dances, etc. If we're in front of a tv it's usually in a sports bar watching a game and sharing a burger.

ETA: He's an amazing lover & doesn't need Viagara.
curlydiva4 likes this.
I think something happens to men in their 40s. Plenty of fine ass 40 year old men everywhere. But once they get to 50, they are like ughhhhhh old city! LOL But I hope my opinion on that changes. LOLOL
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yikes I hope not. I prefer men in their 30s. Recently it seems that I am attracting late 20s/early 30s. I'm not even physically attracted to most men in their 40s.

My dad is in his 60s and he's pretty active and my mom is boring/inactive. She's in her late 50s.
Well you got a lot of good advice, I agree with the other posters you need to spend time doing some of the things you like to do, find hobbies that you like and if your hubby is interested he can participate too, but you should get out and live your life the way you want to; don't let your husband's age stop you from doing the things you enjoy.

Personally I think it's great to go out with friends but sometimes you want to do things with your husband and if you don't do anything together ....well I would be bothered by it too, I like to participate in life WITH my husband or else I wouldn't have bothered getting married.

My husband is 14 years older than me and we have been married for 3 years now. We actually love doing things together, we travel a lot and we share in each others interests he is definitely not a couch potato and neither am I. The kids topic has come up with us and when we first discussed it I was about 22 and wanted four kids, now at 29 I want to have two and see how I feel about more after that. He is older so he would like to have kids while he is still fairly young and I want to wait until I've travelled and done a few of the things Ive always wanted to do. We have agreed that we would wait since we both have established careers and would like to travel the world together. You have to communicate and try to compromise the best you can.

I don't agree with the fact that you were wrong for changing your mind about having kids, you are human and sometimes people change their minds, that's just how life is sometimes, decisions you make for your life do not have to be set in stone and if it is something you don't agree on anymore then you have to decide what's best for you. Just because you changed your mind about the kids doesn't necessarily mean you have to now live without the experience of being a mother because he doesn't want them. It is up to you to decide if you want to have the chance to have kids or if you can be happy with the way things are...you don't have to settle, just do what is best for you and what makes you happy because having kids is a pretty huge thing to just settle on if you no longer agree.
multicultcurly likes this.


My blog: http://diaryofatrendaholic.blogspot.ca/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/EricaChristinaD
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ericachristina/

Last edited by Ericachristina; 03-26-2013 at 04:59 PM.
They seem very compatible and happy together. I've seen couples closer in age who aren't that close.
I don't think one should "take one for the team" when it comes to having kids.

Right, wrong or indifferent ( I was just having this conversation), I think a lot of women start to have different thoughts about having/not having kids when you reach 35 and don't have kids yet.

It may mean the end of her marriage but I don't think it's something you should just give up. tough decisions
Lotsawaves and multicultcurly like this.

Last edited by scrills; 03-27-2013 at 12:53 PM.
I don't think one should "take one for the team" when it comes to having kids.

Right, wrong or indifferent ( I was just having this conversation), I think a lot of women start to have different thoughts about having/not having kids when you reach 35 and don't have kids yet.

It may mean the end of her marriage but I don't think it's something you should just give up. tough decisions
Originally Posted by scrills
I was thinking this too..I mean that's not something that you just take for the team, lol.
I don't think one should "take one for the team" when it comes to having kids.

Right, wrong or indifferent ( I was just having this conversation), I think a lot of women start to have different thoughts about having/not having kids when you reach 35 and don't have kids yet.

It may mean the end of her marriage but I don't think it's something you should just give up. tough decisions
Originally Posted by scrills
I was thinking this too..I mean that's not something that you just take for the team, lol.
Originally Posted by Josephine
But the thing is, she could be a total ass and walk out on her husband...because of something ~she~ changed her mind about, and never find another decent relationship again. Or maybe she does and the guy is sterile. Or maybe by the time she meets him, she is. I just don't think (in an ideal world) ppl should bust up marriages like that willy nilly. No one is guaranteed children. And when you marry someone 45 years old who doesn't have any, I'm guessing you would have discussed that issue at length and made your peace with the othr person's wishes before you say "I do."
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I don't think one should "take one for the team" when it comes to having kids.

Right, wrong or indifferent ( I was just having this conversation), I think a lot of women start to have different thoughts about having/not having kids when you reach 35 and don't have kids yet.

It may mean the end of her marriage but I don't think it's something you should just give up. tough decisions
Originally Posted by scrills
I was thinking this too..I mean that's not something that you just take for the team, lol.
Originally Posted by Josephine
But the thing is, she could be a total ass and walk out on her husband...because of something ~she~ changed her mind about, and never find another decent relationship again. Or maybe she does and the guy is sterile. Or maybe by the time she meets him, she is. I just don't think (in an ideal world) ppl should bust up marriages like that willy nilly. No one is guaranteed children. And when you marry someone 45 years old who doesn't have any, I'm guessing you would have discussed that issue at length and made your peace with the othr person's wishes before you say "I do."
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree, it is asslike to the other person to switch up on something like that. But it's pretty major and it happens. Maybe to her having children is more important than the relationship. I don't think it's willy nilly..very hard decision. It is unfair to the other person but you gotta look out for yourself first and decide if it's more unfair to you to be in something that you dont want and will regret forever, I don't think that would help the relationship either. This reminds me of Friends where Monica has to break up with Richard who is in love with because she wants kids and he doesn't(although they werent married).
scrills likes this.

I was thinking this too..I mean that's not something that you just take for the team, lol.
Originally Posted by Josephine
But the thing is, she could be a total ass and walk out on her husband...because of something ~she~ changed her mind about, and never find another decent relationship again. Or maybe she does and the guy is sterile. Or maybe by the time she meets him, she is. I just don't think (in an ideal world) ppl should bust up marriages like that willy nilly. No one is guaranteed children. And when you marry someone 45 years old who doesn't have any, I'm guessing you would have discussed that issue at length and made your peace with the othr person's wishes before you say "I do."
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree, it is asslike to the other person to switch up on something like that. But it's pretty major and it happens. Maybe to her having children is more important than the relationship. I don't think it's willy nilly..very hard decision. It is unfair to the other person but you gotta look out for yourself first and decide if it's more unfair to you to be in something that you dont want and will regret forever, I don't think that would help the relationship either. This reminds me of Friends where Monica has to break up with Richard who is in love with because she wants kids and he doesn't(although they werent married).
Originally Posted by Josephine
I don't mean to say children are willy nilly or the maternal instinct is willy nilly. But the idea of a 35 y/o woman just going out on a limb hoping to create that perfect story is a little willy nilly. I mean, my husband and I separated when I was 35 and four years later, I'm still not divorced! I'm so glad I wasn't on a time table hoping to remarry and have more kids...

You just never know how something like that will work out.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I'm starting to think about how lonely I'm going to be when I'm elderly. I'm lonely already.
Originally Posted by ChiaPet
I think maybe this is more the issue. I have a feeling the age difference might not be the problem as much as where you are in your relationship.

If the love is there, then perhaps it's companionship that needs work. Be open and honest, let him know that you're lonely. Tell him that you need a date night now and again, then take classes or workshops that you're interested in to make new friends.

The relationship you have with your husband has to be healed before any talk of children IMO.

I don't mean to say children are willy nilly or the maternal instinct is willy nilly. But the idea of a 35 y/o woman just going out on a limb hoping to create that perfect story is a little willy nilly. I mean, my husband and I separated when I was 35 and four years later, I'm still not divorced! I'm so glad I wasn't on a time table hoping to remarry and have more kids...

You just never know how something like that will work out.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Yes I understand. It's not only about it being a perfect story but maybe just any story. Sounds like she might not be happy enough with her current status. But yes you never know.

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:20 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com