Cheating spouses - what would you do?

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You have an acquaintance. You notice quite often that when he/she goes to work, a car belonging to someone of the opposite sex of the spouse is parked in the driveway for most of the day. Its gone by the time your acquaintance gets home from work. You've noticed this on more than a dozen occasions and you've only recently become suspicious of this behavior. Do you bring this up to your "friend"?

Boyfriend is recently working through this dilemma. He feels like he should say something bc he would want something said to him if the situation were reversed. I like to stay out of it so I don't think I'd say anything, but I can understand feeling morally plagued to tell the person.
What would you do?


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Speckla
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Telling or not telling can have disasterous results. Either way you could lose a friend 1) tell get upset for you telling 2) they get upset for you not telling. I think I would tend to keep out of it unless it were a really, really close friend or family member and I knew they would want to know.
If it was someone I was REALLY close to, I would approach the person. Not the person's spouse, but the potential cheater him/herself. Just mention what I've seen, and tell the person that I'm not willing to lie if the spouse ever asks me anything. That's it.

But that's really the extent of it. It's none if my business. Who knows what kind of agreements they have?
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
Doesn't sound like he knows anything at this point, other than a car is visiting. That's not proof of anything. I'd stay out of that situation...unless/until I knew something for sure. Then, if it turned out that cheating was going on, I would tell the other spouse. Having been on the receiving end of people not telling me about a cheating spouse, I felt so profoundly betrayed that I wouldn't want to do that to someone I cared about.
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For the record, I don't think he plans on saying: hey, your wife is cheating on you. More like: it may be nothing, and its probably none of my business, just wanted you to know this car has been at your house a lot lately.....

But thats not what i wanted to discuss. Either way, he's a big boy. He can handle whatever decision he makes. I was just curious of other peoples opinions/what they would do in similar situations.

I had an ex fiance who was cheating one and no one told me. I felt so betrayed by everyone. Current bf was actually the only one who told me back then, some 13 years ago.

I've also had a friend who was being cheated on and I told her. That didn't turn out well though.

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I would knock on the door when the strange car was there with some excuse "hey friends spouse, sorry I know you have company but...can I borrow the lawn mower or some such excuse"

This helps in 2 ways, spouse may simply invite bf in and introduce him to her new accountant or whoever the car belongs to, and it gives bf the chance to casually say to his friend, "here's your lawnmower back, tell spouse thanks for letting me borrow it, sorry if I interrupted her when she had company.

Both scenarios will let bf either establish if there really is a problem, and potentially alert his friend without causing unnecessary trouble or getting too involved.

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I would want to be told, and pretty much everyone who knows me fairly well knows this.

But there are very, very few people I would tell..there's one friend who's told me that she'd want to be told and I believe that she means it, and maybe 2-3 relatives. I wouldn't even consider telling an acquaintance. It's been my observation that telling someone about a cheating partner never goes well, and it's just generally a bad idea to get involved in people's relationships, anyway. Odds are they won't believe you at all, and now you're the evil one. Or, they believe you at first, confront their partner, he/she spins a tale that they want to believe, and then you're the evil one.

ETA: Or they believe you, spouse admits it, they forgive spouse, and now you're the evil one because you know **** about their marriage they'd prefer to keep private.

And I would never consider telling a man that his wife might be cheating. Yeah, I know, women can be violent, too, but I know of one too many cases where really bad things happened.
Eres o te haces?

Last edited by legends; 04-08-2013 at 08:01 PM.
Yeah people get killed over this kind of stuff. So I'd keep mum.
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Speckla
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It's usually best to stay out of people's marriage - unless someone is being physically or mentally abused. And then tread carefully.
Ugh. That's a weird situation... I probably would not approach my neighbor about it, but I would like someone to tell me if that ever happens. However, if my spouse wasn't cheating, but say, his best friend was in town for two weeks, I would be quite offended. Anyways, I would like for someone to drop a hint instead of the whole neighborhood knowing that my spouse is cheating.
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Speckla
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Also, good chances are that a cheater will eventually get caught or give themselves away.

Last edited by Speckla; 04-09-2013 at 12:33 AM.
I would knock on the door when the strange car was there with some excuse "hey friends spouse, sorry I know you have company but...can I borrow the lawn mower or some such excuse"

This helps in 2 ways, spouse may simply invite bf in and introduce him to her new accountant or whoever the car belongs to, and it gives bf the chance to casually say to his friend, "here's your lawnmower back, tell spouse thanks for letting me borrow it, sorry if I interrupted her when she had company.

Both scenarios will let bf either establish if there really is a problem, and potentially alert his friend without causing unnecessary trouble or getting too involved.

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Originally Posted by Yoshimi

OK, so if I was feeling like such a busybody that I just couldn't let my acquaintance neighbor go about their business without knowing what said business was, and just desperately wanted to know what actually was going on, and if he was cheating, just so I could get involved in their relationship (which may or may not be an open relationship, or a don't-ask-don't-tell relationship) and tell the acquaintance-neighbor-spouse about her husband's affair, then I'd do the above. It's very clever!


But really. We're not talking about his best friend, or his sister or someone close to him. It's his neighbor. Acquaintance neighbor. It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT YOUR NEIGHBORS DO. My goodness. I can't imagine how pissed I would be if my neighbors got all up in my business. I'm sure if they're paying attention they could know that sometimes when I "work from home" I take the dog for a long walk, and go to the grocery store. I don't think they have any right to call my boss and tell them that. And maybe they even know that sometimes I tell my boyfriend I was too busy to do the dishes when I was obviously out sunning myself on the deck. I don't think they should tell him that. Just because you happen to be nearby and know stuff, doesn't mean it's any of your business to get involved.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
I stay out of it.

And certainly not for that kind of evidence. I've been on the receiving end of such vague evidence,more than once. (very gossipy town). At best it was highly annoying, at worst, a huge fight all because I drove my brother somewhere.
I would stay out of it. People usually sense if they are being betrayed. They may or may not want to know and it's not your business to get involved. If the neighbor's spouse asked if you've noticed a certain car there during the day you can be honest and say yes and nothing more. There is really very little evidence of someone cheating, so there is nothing to tell the neighbor's spouse unless asked.
I can't imagine how pissed I would be if my neighbors got all up in my business. I'm sure if they're paying attention they could know that sometimes when I "work from home" I take the dog for a long walk, and go to the grocery store. I don't think they have any right to call my boss and tell them that. And maybe they even know that sometimes I tell my boyfriend I was too busy to do the dishes when I was obviously out sunning myself on the deck.
Originally Posted by Who Me?
I cook while I work from home.

Maybe the guy is working from home! I would stay out of it.
So if you were 'friends' with your neighbor (defining friends or acquaintances could be different for every person), and you notice a car parked in your neighbors driveway (and have seen the person get in or out of it), along with the spouses, almost every time your 'friend' was at work -

Or, turn that around - there is a person who is coming over your house, almost every day while you are at work, during the day while your spouse is at home -

you wouldn't want to be told this information?

- Not related to this situation, and I'm not looking for advice, or people getting judgy, Just setting up a discussion.-


I agree, its a tough call. I am usually one to stay out of it. But being on both ends of cheating, I would want someone telling me. If it was an easily explained, innocent thing, no big deal. I would chuckle at it and appreciate them looking out. If I found something out, I'd be glad someone told me.

Either way, I doubt anyone in my situation is going to bring it up at this point. I was just interested in other perspectives.


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Last edited by iroc; 04-09-2013 at 09:55 AM.
Maybe the guy is working from home! I would stay out of it.
Originally Posted by Wiregirl
In my particular situation I know who the person is coming over, I know the spouse is at work, I know the wife is at home, and while it very well could be innocent, I know this isn't the wifes brother, insurance adjuster, contractor working on the house, or a plumber. I also know these two would not have an 'arrangement'.


All still not really reasons to butt in. It still could be lots of things. I'm just saying I know it isnt any of those.

And many different situations could be involved that make you tell or not tell.

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Last edited by iroc; 04-09-2013 at 10:45 AM.
It's a no-win situation.

There's often a difference between how you think you'd act in a hypothetical situation and how you respond when it becomes reality.

IME, most people say they'd want to be told, even those who eventually "kill the messenger" when they were told.

And some people don't care as much as they claim. They'll claim that it's a deal breaker, but keep going back. I realize some people want to work things out, and I don't judge them for that. Then there are those where it happens so often that you get sick of hearing about it.
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I would want to be told, and pretty much everyone who knows me fairly well knows this.

But there are very, very few people I would tell..there's one friend who's told me that she'd want to be told and I believe that she means it, and maybe 2-3 relatives. I wouldn't even consider telling an acquaintance. It's been my observation that telling someone about a cheating partner never goes well, and it's just generally a bad idea to get involved in people's relationships, anyway. Odds are they won't believe you at all, and now you're the evil one. Or, they believe you at first, confront their partner, he/she spins a tale that they want to believe, and then you're the evil one.

ETA: Or they believe you, spouse admits it, they forgive spouse, and now you're the evil one because you know **** about their marriage they'd prefer to keep private.

And I would never consider telling a man that his wife might be cheating. Yeah, I know, women can be violent, too, but I know of one too many cases where really bad things happened.
Originally Posted by legends

This is exactly it.

I have a few people that I would tell, come hell or high water, and that is typically what happens.

I mentioned on here before that I once told a former close friend about her boyfriend hitting on any and everyone of her girlfriends. Note I said former close friend...
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