Another teenage girl lost to rape culture.

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I wish didn't remember. I wish didn't remember her and him holding me down, covering my mouth, while he assaulted me. I wish I didn't know the shame and guilt you can feel at age 12. I wish didn't remember the fear of telling what happened, knowing someone could, probably would get killed. I don't know where my perpetrators are. I remember what they did and their names, not their faces.

I am fine most of the time, now, but I wasn't for a long time emotionally nor physically. I didn't say anything to anyone until I was 18. Unfortunately that took a toll physically. I don't think my body has ever really recovered.
Originally Posted by juanab
As a mother of a little girl, I'm just curious about what your mother might have been able to do or say to make you feel more comfortable coming fwd w/ this after it happened? How were you able to hide the physical and emotional wounds from the attack?

***

So saddened to hear all of these stories. It really hurts my heart.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
SL, please talk to you daughter about good and bad touches. That family members, friends, acquaintances are capable of doing these of these actions. Let her know that no matter what, come to you. My mom never talked to me about these things. The sad part is, when I finally told her what happened to me. She disclosed it happened to her too. O_ O
Originally Posted by juanab
I do! And she laughs and says, "mom, you're so gross!" And then she tells her little brother and they both laugh about it.

I really want to make her take this seriously.

I've never been the victim of anything like this and i'm wondering if, w/ the younger kids, it happens gradually, starting w/ inappropriate looks and comments, and escalates into touching and pentration, over a period of time. Or if mostly, it's a sudde thing that comes out of nowhere and the child is physically violated.

Is the feeling afterward usually that mommy won't believe me or mommy will be mad or I don't deserve help or my rapist will hurt me if I tell or what? I want to know the right things to say to alleviate the shame/fear/guilt or whatever. And is it different for a boy vs a girl. I don't expect you to know all the answers, juana. I'm just thinking out loud. But I appreciate whatever insight you (plural) can share.

I can't really relate personally but i want to do the best I can to protect my kids.

This is so awful and a huge fear of mine.

So sorry this happened...
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(( hugs to everyone))
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I wish didn't remember. I wish didn't remember her and him holding me down, covering my mouth, while he assaulted me. I wish I didn't know the shame and guilt you can feel at age 12. I wish didn't remember the fear of telling what happened, knowing someone could, probably would get killed. I don't know where my perpetrators are. I remember what they did and their names, not their faces.

I am fine most of the time, now, but I wasn't for a long time emotionally nor physically. I didn't say anything to anyone until I was 18. Unfortunately that took a toll physically. I don't think my body has ever really recovered.
Originally Posted by juanab
As a mother of a little girl, I'm just curious about what your mother might have been able to do or say to make you feel more comfortable coming fwd w/ this after it happened? How were you able to hide the physical and emotional wounds from the attack?

***

So saddened to hear all of these stories. It really hurts my heart.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
SL, please talk to you daughter about good and bad touches. That family members, friends, acquaintances are capable of doing these of these actions. Let her know that no matter what, come to you. My mom never talked to me about these things. The sad part is, when I finally told her what happened to me. She disclosed it happened to her too. O_ O
Originally Posted by juanab
^ this
and if she does come to you, BELIEVE her (not saying you wouldn't, but it's an important piece)
my own parents were not very helpful in my situation, although I do (now) believe they were doing what they thought was "best" at the time - and I'm pretty sure my dad still doesn't believe me
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((HUGS)) to you all.

The craziest thing is that I'm sure I was drugged by the bar manager. He was friends with the person I was lunching with. There were so many knowing glances that were shared between them before things really got hazy. I was also very young and they were much older. In hindsight, it seemed like a setup.
Originally Posted by Munchy
Curious, did you see the bartender making the drink? I'm assuming maybe not if you were ordering from a table. I hate ordering drinks anywhere other than the bar. I always like to watch the bartender make my drinks. As careful as I am, sometimes I wonder if the bartender is on something too.

As a mother of a little girl, I'm just curious about what your mother might have been able to do or say to make you feel more comfortable coming fwd w/ this after it happened? How were you able to hide the physical and emotional wounds from the attack?

***

So saddened to hear all of these stories. It really hurts my heart.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
SL, please talk to you daughter about good and bad touches. That family members, friends, acquaintances are capable of doing these of these actions. Let her know that no matter what, come to you. My mom never talked to me about these things. The sad part is, when I finally told her what happened to me. She disclosed it happened to her too. O_ O
Originally Posted by juanab
I do! And she laughs and says, "mom, you're so gross!" And then she tells her little brother and they both laugh about it.

I really want to make her take this seriously.

I've never been the victim of anything like this and i'm wondering if, w/ the younger kids, it happens gradually, starting w/ inappropriate looks and comments, and escalates into touching and pentration, over a period of time. Or if mostly, it's a sudde thing that comes out of nowhere and the child is physically violated.

Is the feeling afterward usually that mommy won't believe me or mommy will be mad or I don't deserve help or my rapist will hurt me if I tell or what? I want to know the right things to say to alleviate the shame/fear/guilt or whatever. And is it different for a boy vs a girl. I don't expect you to know all the answers, juana. I'm just thinking out loud. But I appreciate whatever insight you (plural) can share.

I can't really relate personally but i want to do the best I can to protect my kids.

This is so awful and a huge fear of mine.

So sorry this happened...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
In my case, it was gradual. He and his cousins befriended me. They were friends of a family member and they were older. One was a girl, no less. I was flattered that a older guy would be my friend (16). In hindsight, the only reason a 16 year old guy would show any interest in a 12 year old girl is for one reason.

I did think my mom and dad would believe me, but I was ashamed. I felt I was at fault. No one told me otherwise beforehand. I also felt that my dad or uncles would kill them, literally. I had read Maya Angelou's "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" by that time and felt I would responsible for someone's death like in the book. Please let her know that it is never her fault. Nothing she wears, not the she walks, talks or glances at a guy. If she feels uncomfortable around someone, don't ignore that feeling. Tell you. This actually goes for both your children.

Please don't hide or be ashamed of having frank conversations with your children. It could save them from being hurt.
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As a mother of a little girl, I'm just curious about what your mother might have been able to do or say to make you feel more comfortable coming fwd w/ this after it happened? How were you able to hide the physical and emotional wounds from the attack?

***

So saddened to hear all of these stories. It really hurts my heart.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
SL, please talk to you daughter about good and bad touches. That family members, friends, acquaintances are capable of doing these of these actions. Let her know that no matter what, come to you. My mom never talked to me about these things. The sad part is, when I finally told her what happened to me. She disclosed it happened to her too. O_ O
Originally Posted by juanab
I do! And she laughs and says, "mom, you're so gross!" And then she tells her little brother and they both laugh about it.

I really want to make her take this seriously.

I've never been the victim of anything like this and i'm wondering if, w/ the younger kids, it happens gradually, starting w/ inappropriate looks and comments, and escalates into touching and pentration, over a period of time. Or if mostly, it's a sudde thing that comes out of nowhere and the child is physically violated.

Is the feeling afterward usually that mommy won't believe me or mommy will be mad or I don't deserve help or my rapist will hurt me if I tell or what? I want to know the right things to say to alleviate the shame/fear/guilt or whatever. And is it different for a boy vs a girl. I don't expect you to know all the answers, juana. I'm just thinking out loud. But I appreciate whatever insight you (plural) can share.

I can't really relate personally but i want to do the best I can to protect my kids.

This is so awful and a huge fear of mine.

So sorry this happened...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
for me, it started young enough that I don't actually remember a time when it was not the case (with one perpetrator), with another I think it came out of the blue.

I know I had it much better than many, what happened to me wasn't "as bad" as what others went through. I struggled with that a lot (ie. "i shouldn't be THIS messed up") - but learned that long-term psychological/emotional effects tend to be quite similar regardless of "what" actually happens (obviously this is on a continuum, but someone who is fondled at age 3 may be equally as scarred as one who is sodomized at that age). So... making sure that ANY unwanted touch is something they can discuss with you is really important.

Regarding feelings about it - I told my parents after a period of time, they handled it poorly. Another instance, I remember being afraid to tell because I had been somewhere I wasn't suppose to be and knew I'd get in trouble (and therefore, it was all my fault)

Sadly, I don't ever remember being told NOT to tell by a perpetrator, I just felt I couldn't/shouldn't (and that was validated when I did and it wasn't handled well)
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These stories are really hurting my heart. I was sexually harassed by a male boss in college. Not quite the same thing as rape or molestation but similar. It happened shortly after the Anita Hill hearings. My boyfriend at the time made negative comments about her so I knew he'd never believe me if I disclosed that I'd gone through the same thing. I wasn't aware that I had any recourse. It was just a part time temp job that I had after classes. When the assignment ended that was it. Things like this should not be so commonplace but unfortunately it is the world over.

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These stories are really hurting my heart. I was sexually harassed by a male boss in college. Not quite the same thing as rape or molestation but similar. It happened shortly after the Anita Hill hearings. My boyfriend at the time made negative comments about her so I knew he'd never believe me if I disclosed that I'd gone through the same thing. I wasn't aware that I had any recourse. It was just a part time temp job that I had after classes. When the assignment ended that was it. Things like this should not be so commonplace but unfortunately it is the world over.

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Originally Posted by LadyV69
LadyV, as evidenced by this thread, you are sadly correct.

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These stories are really hurting my heart. I was sexually harassed by a male boss in college. Not quite the same thing as rape or molestation but similar. It happened shortly after the Anita Hill hearings. My boyfriend at the time made negative comments about her so I knew he'd never believe me if I disclosed that I'd gone through the same thing. I wasn't aware that I had any recourse. It was just a part time temp job that I had after classes. When the assignment ended that was it. Things like this should not be so commonplace but unfortunately it is the world over.

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Originally Posted by LadyV69
LadyV, as evidenced by this thread, you are sadly correct.
Originally Posted by juanab
That ******* had two daughters too. Sometimes men put women in different categories. They can consider family members akin to saintly Madonnas while all other women are deemed whores. Or they may consider every woman a whore. Or some other combo. The take away is that we aren't human. Why are women constantly advised to watch how we dress, mind where we go at night and take self defense classes while men don't have to do anything? Why aren't we teaching them not to ****ing rape, molest or sexually harass in the first damn place?

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My heart goes out to all of you.
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also if anyone knows of rick ross the rapper, he was on a song where blatantly talks about date rape in his lyrics

n the track, Ross refers to a form of the drug Ecstacy known as "molly" when he raps, "Put molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it / I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it," but according to Ross: "It was misunderstanding with a lyric, a misinterpretation where the term 'rape' wasn't used. And I would never use the term 'rape' in my records."




But, the guy who's song he was on rapping those lyrics, dropped it from the song, so.... but still smhc


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also if anyone knows of rick ross the rapper, he was on a song where blatantly talks about date rape in his lyrics

n the track, Ross refers to a form of the drug Ecstacy known as "molly" when he raps, "Put molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it / I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it," but according to Ross: "It was misunderstanding with a lyric, a misinterpretation where the term 'rape' wasn't used. And I would never use the term 'rape' in my records."


But, the guy who's song he was on rapping those lyrics, dropped it from the song, so.... but still smhc

Originally Posted by murrrcat
Seriously, he doesn't think that's rape? I know there are a lot of offensive lyrics in songs, but this is not just 'offensive'. This is the kind of attitude a lot of boys/men have unfortunately, and think it's not rape.
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This thread had brought tears to my eyes. I have no words for all the women here who have shared their awful experiences. You are all so strong.

I don't know what to be more sickened by - the rapists or the kids who shared photos of it around and bullied her. I cannot imagine why children haven't been taught This. Is. Not. OK.

To my mind. The rapists should be put away and all those kids who shared photos and drove this girl to kill herself should also be taken to court and get at the very least a good f*cking scare. Perhaps then they will learn that this sh*t it serious and will not be tolerated.

It simply beggars believe that all these kids knew what had happened, most likely who had raped her, were sharing pictures of a sexual assault and the police didn't think they had enough evidence to prosecute.
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I do! And she laughs and says, "mom, you're so gross!" And then she tells her little brother and they both laugh about it.

I really want to make her take this seriously.

I've never been the victim of anything like this and i'm wondering if, w/ the younger kids, it happens gradually, starting w/ inappropriate looks and comments, and escalates into touching and pentration, over a period of time. Or if mostly, it's a sudde thing that comes out of nowhere and the child is physically violated.

Is the feeling afterward usually that mommy won't believe me or mommy will be mad or I don't deserve help or my rapist will hurt me if I tell or what? I want to know the right things to say to alleviate the shame/fear/guilt or whatever. And is it different for a boy vs a girl. I don't expect you to know all the answers, juana. I'm just thinking out loud. But I appreciate whatever insight you (plural) can share.

I can't really relate personally but i want to do the best I can to protect my kids.

This is so awful and a huge fear of mine.

So sorry this happened...
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
How sad is it, that I'm more surprised by statements like the bolded than the experiences shared here?
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also if anyone knows of rick ross the rapper, he was on a song where blatantly talks about date rape in his lyrics

n the track, Ross refers to a form of the drug Ecstacy known as "molly" when he raps, "Put molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it / I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it," but according to Ross: "It was misunderstanding with a lyric, a misinterpretation where the term 'rape' wasn't used. And I would never use the term 'rape' in my records."


But, the guy who's song he was on rapping those lyrics, dropped it from the song, so.... but still smhc

Originally Posted by murrrcat
Seriously, he doesn't think that's rape? I know there are a lot of offensive lyrics in songs, but this is not just 'offensive'. This is the kind of attitude a lot of boys/men have unfortunately, and think it's not rape.
Originally Posted by Josephine
- he lost his contract with Reebok -
Reebok tells TMZ ... "Reebok holds our partners to a high standard, and we expect them to live up to the values of our brand. Unfortunately, Rick Ross has failed to do so."

Reebok goes on: "While we do not believe that Rick Ross condones sexual assault, we are very disappointed he has yet to display an understanding of the seriousness of this issue or an appropriate level of remorse."


Read more: Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Celebrity News | TMZ.com
Visit the TMZ Store: TMZ T-Shirts, Tees, Mugs, Hats, Cups, Tank Tops | TMZ Store
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also if anyone knows of rick ross the rapper, he was on a song where blatantly talks about date rape in his lyrics

n the track, Ross refers to a form of the drug Ecstacy known as "molly" when he raps, "Put molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it / I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it," but according to Ross: "It was misunderstanding with a lyric, a misinterpretation where the term 'rape' wasn't used. And I would never use the term 'rape' in my records."
But, the guy who's song he was on rapping those lyrics, dropped it from the song, so.... but still smhc

Originally Posted by murrrcat
Seriously, he doesn't think that's rape? I know there are a lot of offensive lyrics in songs, but this is not just 'offensive'. This is the kind of attitude a lot of boys/men have unfortunately, and think it's not rape.
Originally Posted by Josephine

I know it makes me really angry. I would never use the term rape...OKAY BUT YOU'RE DESCRIBING IT YOU AFHSDL;FHASD;LFHDSKLFH;lk
god....how like I can't. Just ugh.


eta and you're right, I took a sexuality class that had males in it. My professor would always say "if it's not a yes, than it means no" but I don't think many males understand that because of society/culture. I mean I just lost all hope when these males in there who were bouncers at clubs, were saying "well what do they expect when you're dressed like that" no. bye. bye. bye. bye.
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Last edited by murrrcat; 04-11-2013 at 02:25 PM.

Me either.

Jesus, date rape is so common. I guess I didn't know...
Originally Posted by The New Black
It's far too common. What happened to me happened just before date rape drugs became the norm. I cringed when I heard about it. There goes thousands more...

I don't leave my drink, I let no know that I do not know and trust buy my drink, and I let no one near my drink. A friend of mine (in her 40's) was drugged on a work trip to Florida 2 years ago, in her hotel bar. Thankfully she left as soon as she felt odd, and went to her hotel room.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G

I have told my daughter ad nauseum to never leave a drink or accept a drink from anyone. If they want to buy you one, stand there while they do and have the bartender hand it to you.
Originally Posted by juanab
Good advice, and you are welcome. You are also an incredibly strong and wonderful woman. That goes for everyone else in here. Thank you for hugs, and many hugs in return.

I think it's important for parents to tell children that there is no shame, for them, in sexual assault/abuse situations. That and tell them, show them, that they can talk to you about anything. I do not have children, and I do not know exactly what I would say or how I would say it. I just know that keeping the lines of communication open is always a good thing.

It was a different situation for me, and I was over 18. I felt no shame. I felt no personal shame or blame what so ever. I knew it was not my fault. I knew I could talk to my mom openly, at that point, but I could never run the risk of my father finding out. I felt more of a need to protect him, my family, because I knew what would happen. Nothing was ever going to change that, for me. The assaults and reasons can differ for everyone, but its so important to make sure girls know that it's not their fault, never deserved, and that they can talk to you without fear.

ETA: and many conversations about shifting of blame. i was well aware that went one, and as i mentioned, was thinking of ways it could be turned on me.
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When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 04-11-2013 at 05:06 PM.

It's far too common. What happened to me happened just before date rape drugs became the norm. I cringed when I heard about it. There goes thousands more...

I don't leave my drink, I let no know that I do not know and trust buy my drink, and I let no one near my drink. A friend of mine (in her 40's) was drugged on a work trip to Florida 2 years ago, in her hotel bar. Thankfully she left as soon as she felt odd, and went to her hotel room.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G

I have told my daughter ad nauseum to never leave a drink or accept a drink from anyone. If they want to buy you one, stand there while they do and have the bartender hand it to you.
Originally Posted by juanab
Good advice, and you are welcome. You are also an incredibly strong and wonderful woman. That goes for everyone else in here. Thank you for hugs, and many hugs in return.

I think it's important for parents to tell children that there is no shame, for them, in sexual assault/abuse situations. That and tell them, show them, that they can talk to you about anything. I do not have children, and I do not know exactly what I would say or how I would say it. I just know that keeping the lines of communication open is always a good thing.

It was a different situation for me, and I was over 18. I felt no shame. I felt no personal shame or blame what so ever. I knew it was not my fault. I knew I could talk to my mom openly, at that point, but I could never run the risk of my father finding out. I felt more of a need to protect him, my family, because I knew what would happen. Nothing was ever going to change that, for me. The assaults and reasons can differ for everyone, but its so important to make sure girls know that it's not their fault, never deserved, and that they can talk to you without fear.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
Fifi, thank you. You are incredibly strong as well. Your advice is spot on. Whether girl or boy, they need to know it is not their fault. Keeping the lines of communication open and letting your children know to come to you no matter what, is of utmost importance.

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DC - NG Mango & Coconut H2O or Chamomile/Brdck Root
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Ayurvedic treatments - Jamila Henna, Sukesh, Aloe Vera Powder, Hibiscus Powder
.






I have told my daughter ad nauseum to never leave a drink or accept a drink from anyone. If they want to buy you one, stand there while they do and have the bartender hand it to you.
Originally Posted by juanab
Good advice, and you are welcome. You are also an incredibly strong and wonderful woman. That goes for everyone else in here. Thank you for hugs, and many hugs in return.

I think it's important for parents to tell children that there is no shame, for them, in sexual assault/abuse situations. That and tell them, show them, that they can talk to you about anything. I do not have children, and I do not know exactly what I would say or how I would say it. I just know that keeping the lines of communication open is always a good thing.

It was a different situation for me, and I was over 18. I felt no shame. I felt no personal shame or blame what so ever. I knew it was not my fault. I knew I could talk to my mom openly, at that point, but I could never run the risk of my father finding out. I felt more of a need to protect him, my family, because I knew what would happen. Nothing was ever going to change that, for me. The assaults and reasons can differ for everyone, but its so important to make sure girls know that it's not their fault, never deserved, and that they can talk to you without fear.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
Fifi, thank you. You are incredibly strong as well. Your advice is spot on. Whether girl or boy, they need to know it is not their fault. Keeping the lines of communication open and letting your children know to come to you no matter what, is of utmost importance.
Originally Posted by juanab
It absolutely is. Even if, for the child/persons own reasons, they do not come forward, some conversations could give them keys to cope or deal with what happened.

That is a sad reality, but ...
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

i'm SO outraged right now! a woman was just on our major Canadian morning tv talk show basically saying that TEENAGERS really don't understand right from wrong because their brains are still developing until they're 25!



um.... i'm pretty sure that i had a fairly well-developed sense of how a decent human being behaves by the time i went to junior high school.

why are people seeking to absolve this behaviour????

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