What should I do about my friend?

Like Tree369Likes

People have forgotten how to talk to each other. The world isn't a message board. You can't go around being rude and sarcastic and mock everyone all the time. And its worse when a group of people are all putting someone down at once. Many people around here treat each other just as bad as this girl does her friends. They just get around the obvious insulting words. The intention to 'put someone in their place' is still there. Its not a good quality in a person.

You said you didn't call girls whores to their face - is that any better? Grouping up with other girls to call a girl a whore behind her back? Most of us have done it when we were young. I don't see much of a difference. Other than she's being honest with her feelings towards her 'friend' - rude as they may be - instead of being two faced or saying it behind her back. Mean Girls, anyone?

Who decides that 'this isn't a time to be nice'? Is there a time when you just throw decency away and start not caring about peoples feelings? We punish people who make mistakes or do wrong by getting them back? I'm scared as to what that way of thinking could turn into.

I think the bahavior in this thread is sad. And shocking.


She will make mistakes in how to treat people at 14 - you will make mistakes in how to treat people at 24 - I have made mistakes in treating people at 34 - nobody is infallible. People are always learning, failing, and learning again.

You *think* she's not really 14, and you may be right - but you really dont know for sure.
Lotsawaves likes this.

Last edited by iroc; 04-23-2013 at 08:08 AM.
Yaaaa my behavior was wrong. My parents put me in line (in retrospect, I'm really proud of how feminist they are) and let me know I was in the wrong. That that is not how a good person behaves or talks to people.

Telling her not to be awful is not bullying; it's telling her not to be awful.

People learn and we're learning her (if she's actually 14--even if she's not. She gon learn.).

It's not my job to care about feels when someone refuses to see where she went wrong and insisting just because the friend is olay with it, it's cool for her to say. Liiiike no. I will come for you like I came for ha.

I said I have sisters and I love them like whoa but I've come for them, too. The same way.

I'm not here to be courteous when someone is so grossly inaccurate.

ETA: And did I SAY I grouped up with girls behind others' backs? Lawd.
curlypearl likes this.
Last relaxer: 8.4.10
BC: 9.6.11

when will your favs?


Last edited by annabananalise; 04-23-2013 at 08:30 AM.
Yaaaa my behavior was wrong. My parents put me in line (in retrospect, I'm really proud of how feminist they are) and let me know I was in the wrong. That that is not how a good person behaves or talks to people.

Telling her not to be awful is not bullying; it's telling her not to be awful.

People learn and we're learning her (if she's actually 14--even if she's not. She gon learn.).

It's not my job to care about feels when someone refuses to see where she went wrong and insisting just because the friend is olay with it, it's cool for her to say. Liiiike no. I will come for you like I came for ha.

I said I have sisters and I love them like whoa but I've come for them, too. The same way.

I'm not here to be courteous when someone is so grossly inaccurate.
Originally Posted by annabananalise

Thats my point. We've all done/said stupid stuff. Of course that doesn't make it okay, but understand that someone may not have come as far as you have yet. And I'm not pointing fingers at you so I hope you don't take offense.

There is some good advice in this thread, but there are some tacky comments as well.

It may be not cool for her to say/act how she is, but no one here has a job to 'call someone out' on their behavior. That seems to be a trend around here. Because if you think about it, she thinks its her job to 'call her friend out' on being a whore. And clearly we know its not.

First lesson in talking to people who are exhibiting bad qualities. You don't tell someone they are awful or they are a jerk. You tell someone they are *being* awful.

I don't remember exactly what was said throughout the thread, but I don't feel the tone was a helpful one. (Not just you).

Understanding is something to think about if we want more people to come back to this board.
Yaaaa my behavior was wrong. My parents put me in line (in retrospect, I'm really proud of how feminist they are) and let me know I was in the wrong. That that is not how a good person behaves or talks to people.

Telling her not to be awful is not bullying; it's telling her not to be awful.

People learn and we're learning her (if she's actually 14--even if she's not. She gon learn.).

It's not my job to care about feels when someone refuses to see where she went wrong and insisting just because the friend is olay with it, it's cool for her to say. Liiiike no. I will come for you like I came for ha.

I said I have sisters and I love them like whoa but I've come for them, too. The same way.

I'm not here to be courteous when someone is so grossly inaccurate.

ETA: And did I SAY I grouped up with girls behind others' backs? Lawd.
Originally Posted by annabananalise

No, but you said you didn't call girls whores to their face, which implied you did it behind their backs. And you said ya, your behavior was bad - I assume you didn't say it to yourself? I'm not trying to make you look bad. Most people have talked about someone behind their back when we were young. It doesn't make you who you are today.
Adding the present participle of the "to be" verb doesn't change the meaning of a statement like "You are terrible" vs "You're being terrible".

And the responses started off pretty helpful and honest imo, but OP kept focusing on the fact that her friend is okay with the name calling.

You even said eventually that you don't know what she wants help with. Understanding can only go so far tbh.

No, but you said you didn't call girls whores to their face, which implied you did it behind their backs. And you said ya, your behavior was bad - I assume you didn't say it to yourself? I'm not trying to make you look bad. Most people have talked about someone behind their back when we were young. It doesn't make you who you are today.
I didn't mean to imply anything oop. I said I may have internally slut shamed. And I didn't call my friends whores. My point was, my parents helped me without being nice and cuddly. And I knew that was not how to be a good friend. That was my point. Nothing about grouping up with others bc I don't remember doing that.

And I think responses were helpful in the beginning. We didn't give her a hug and sit her on our knee, but I think we were helpful.

When she seemed unwilling to accept help (read: trollish), we stopped helping. But this is a far cry from bullying. But disgusting behavior is disgusting and I don't need to be understanding about that.14 is old enough.
curlypearl likes this.
Last relaxer: 8.4.10
BC: 9.6.11

when will your favs?

NM....I was feeling frustrated.

Last edited by Lotsawaves; 04-23-2013 at 09:41 AM.
Except none of my posts to the OP were bad? And no one bullied OP, just got tired of the trollish responses?

And by troll, I mean someone who clearly didn't want to see reason?

And "learning" someone is a colloquialism?

And I should let this go because I'm speaking all in questions.
curlypearl and ruralcurls like this.
Last relaxer: 8.4.10
BC: 9.6.11

when will your favs?

Just because someone doesn't agree with "general you" doesn't mean they are a troll. There is way too much name calling here. I think that is why some of us have to take a break from here. It's like being in High School or even Jr High all over again.
I don't see how this is much different from, and you i believe you should consider the age of the person who are talking to. If you see a little kid 3 or 4 picking on another are you going to speak to them as you would an adult and express your displeasure? I would hope not. Yes kids and teens alike should be disciplined, but in a way that teaches the why what they are doing is wrong not by nitpicking the flaws of their personality and in a way that they can understand at their level of maturity. If not i would call that bullying.
Unless the friend is spreading HIV or STIs or deliberately potentially hurting someone else w/ her sexual behavior...the OP shouldn't be that invested in it.

Say your piece and keep it pushing. The friend is not terrible or "being terrible" or whatever. It's not like the OP is her mother and responsible for trying to instill morals. Say you are worried or don't approve or think it's unwise or whatever and leave it alone.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I said she was a jerk. I clarified in my following post that she was being a jerk to this girl.

I stand by that.

I don't care if EVERY 14 yo is calling each other that. It isn't right. And we got to teach these young women who think its ok to talk to each other like that, that it isn't right.

She isn't listening to people explaining that to her and continued to argue that she is going to continue to call her names.

That is jerky. If I wanted to be a good person, I would be kind. If I wanted to not be friends with her, I'd just ignore her. I wouldn't call her names. Either behind her back or to her face.

Either way, she came here looking for advice. She got some. I didn't call her a piece of ****. Or tell her that she is loser. Just to leave the girl alone that the girl will figure out for herself that this girl isn't a good fit as friend for her.

This girl was a jerk to her "friend". I've been a jerk to a true friend. At a younger age than that. And I was a jerk. I've learned.

I guess I should have just let her continue calling people names. If I'm lucky, she will turn out to be gay and then abuse other women by calling them whores and other names.
rouquinne and curlypearl like this.

Mix of 3s, thick, coarse, medium porosity

Current hair styling technique: rake with a scrunch at the end. (works with my coarse hair)

http://public.fotki.com/curlymix/
pw: curls

Known HGs: KCCC, homemade fsg, honey
Guide22
Guest
Posts: n/a
BE COURTEOUS. BE TOLERANT. You're about to encounter many new friends in our community, with many new and interesting viewpoints. Please be respectful and tolerant of everyone you meet, even if you disagree with their opinions. Don't use language that is threatening, abusive, harassing, hateful or racially or ethnically objectionable. And don't engage in personal attacks. This includes NaturallyCurly.com staff, who work hard to keep our Community a fun spot to visit.
Curlyminx, it comes across better if you tell someone they were acting jerky than to say they were a jerk. When my fiance and I were on a break I had a friend come to my house and told me I was a fool for wanting to make it work with him. I ended up telling her to leave my house. We haven't spoken since. If she had of said she felt I was acting foolish than maybe we would still be friends today. It's like either telling someone they are a slut or telling them they are behaving like a slut.
Again, like I said, I clarified in my second post.

If it wasn't enough, ok.

Mix of 3s, thick, coarse, medium porosity

Current hair styling technique: rake with a scrunch at the end. (works with my coarse hair)

http://public.fotki.com/curlymix/
pw: curls

Known HGs: KCCC, homemade fsg, honey
Not that I don't agree that the behavior is bad and the words don't have the same weight, I just find it ironic that we are calling her names for calling someone else names.

And if we say "but she is being xxxx", it's the same thing we are getting frustrated with her about (continuinig to call her friend slut/whore/etc)

Of course, this is all assuming that she really is 14 and not trolling our board.

I like how RCW phrased it, she is behaving badly.

As for the friend, I feel bad for her. Something unfortunate has lead to this behavior. Just because the OP doesn't know about it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

And sorry OP, but you are wrong for still calling your friend names. Some people don't know how to speak up for themselves or don't know how to accept anything but disrespect. Not ok. If you care, talk to her, help her or walk away
curlypearl and murrrcat like this.

Last edited by scrills; 04-23-2013 at 11:31 AM.
Scrills!

Hiya!!!!

Mix of 3s, thick, coarse, medium porosity

Current hair styling technique: rake with a scrunch at the end. (works with my coarse hair)

http://public.fotki.com/curlymix/
pw: curls

Known HGs: KCCC, homemade fsg, honey

I like how RCW phrased it, she is behaving badly.
________

Some people don't know how to speak up for themselves or don't know how to accept anything but disrespect. Not ok. If you care, talk to her, help her or walk away
Originally Posted by scrills


Thank you. I didn't get a lot of great parenting from my mother, but she did instill in me the idea that calling people names is a very bad thing. She never called names, and I try really hard not to do it either. Especially not to kids. Kids become what you call them. And it hurts them to the bone to be called negative names. I just cringe when I hear women, especially young women, calling each other slut and whore. It's so damaging.

And, you are correct, that there are people who are so used to being treated badly, that they gladly accept more bad treatment. It's what they are comfortable with. It hurts my heart that the friend is OK with being called a slut and whore. Something really bad has happened to her. And the poster needs to either help her or stay away, not contribute more pain and suffering.
Springcurl, maria_i, NetG and 3 others like this.
Minxy!!!!!


(and yes, that was my first post in weeks)
ruralcurls likes this.
to the OP

Growing up, my mom's friends all had boys. I was the only girl in the bunch. Of all the kids, there was one boy that I hated. He was a turd. He was always getting in trouble, getting us in trouble, and in general just ruining whatever fun we were having.

One day someone day a magical phrase that completely changed my opinion of him. They said "negative attention (is better than no attention at all)"

I realized that they only way he know how to get attention was to be bad. His mom had a lot of kids, they were poor, and his father was abusive. This was his cry for help.

There is another phrase that I learned to help me deal with him, "don't reward bad behavior". I stopped yelling at him for doing wrong and I didn't tell on him. I just stopped acknowledging him until he decided he wanted to play nicely with us.

What I am saying, is that your friend is acting out. She enjoys the attention, even if it is bad and you are feeding into it. She needs kindness
curlypearl likes this.
to the OP

Growing up, my mom's friends all had boys. I was the only girl in the bunch. Of all the kids, there was one boy that I hated. He was a turd. He was always getting in trouble, getting us in trouble, and in general just ruining whatever fun we were having.

One day someone day a magical phrase that completely changed my opinion of him. They said "negative attention (is better than no attention at all)"

I realized that they only way he know how to get attention was to be bad. His mom had a lot of kids, they were poor, and his father was abusive. This was his cry for help.

There is another phrase that I learned to help me deal with him, "don't reward bad behavior". I stopped yelling at him for doing wrong and I didn't tell on him. I just stopped acknowledging him until he decided he wanted to play nicely with us.

What I am saying, is that your friend is acting out. She enjoys the attention, even if it is bad and you are feeding into it. She needs kindness
Originally Posted by scrills

Absolutely. All of it. There aren't inherently bad kids. Kids act out for a reason. Usually its a defense mechanism.

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:24 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com