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Old 04-20-2013, 06:57 PM   #1
 
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Default What should I do about my friend?

I'm 14 and I'm not into dating right now because I feel as dating in middle school is pointless. My friends all have boyfriends, but I have a few who are very...slutty.

One of them is dating a 22 year old (he thinks she's 17) and has about 3 other guys one the side. She always brags about her status with them and I don't like to sugar coat things so I usually say this to her "You're a whore, you think what you are doing is really cool but deep down in side you're a wreck. You're easy, naive, and again a whore..You get mad when people call you out on your foolishness but then try to act as if everybody does this. I'm not hoping this, but one day you'll mess with the wrong boy and something bad will happen too you." I don't say it to her that harsh, but it goes along the lines of that. Most of our friends agree what I'm saying, but she always turns ignores it and gets into even more trouble.

Sometimes when she knows what I'm saying is right (she hates to be proven wrong) she'll comment on my body and tell me things like "Shut up, you should be worrying about yourself since you'll never be able to get a boyfriend."

"How do you know so much unless you've done all these things yourself? I'm not shocked with the way your body is shaped only. Your ass is fake everything about is fake" I'm really self conscious about my body and I wonder why I consider her my friend when she says rude things to me. I've been asking for advice and nobody has helped me so I thought I should give here a try.
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Old 04-20-2013, 07:22 PM   #2
 
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Oh boy..
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Old 04-20-2013, 08:39 PM   #3
 
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Maybe she would not say rude things to you if you did not call her a WHORE or SLUTTY.

You are not into dating and sex, she is. What she does is none of your business. If you find what she does so terribly wrong then stop hanging out with her and find friends that share your values. If you still want to be friends but don't like hearing about all the things she does with guys, then there is a way to say politely 'I don't agree with the stuff you are doing and I am not comfortable hearing about it' and then changing the topic.

If a so-called friend of mine was calling me naive, easy and a whore, I would drop her like a hot potato. Stop talking to her disrespectfully.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:03 PM   #4
 
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Maybe she would not say rude things to you if you did not call her a WHORE or SLUTTY.

You are not into dating and sex, she is. What she does is none of your business. If you find what she does so terribly wrong then stop hanging out with her and find friends that share your values. If you still want to be friends but don't like hearing about all the things she does with guys, then there is a way to say politely 'I don't agree with the stuff you are doing and I am not comfortable hearing about it' and then changing the topic.

If a so-called friend of mine was calling me naive, easy and a whore, I would drop her like a hot potato. Stop talking to her disrespectfully.
I don't most...most of the time she is insulting other girls and me. The whole school knows about her sex life, it's a matter of time before the school principal founds out about her illegal relationship. She always asks for the truth so I hand it to her. Sometimes what I say to her gets out of hand and I always apologize when it does. I always tell her though I don't regret calling you a whore because you are one.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:16 PM   #5
 
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It doesn't sound like your friend is being a good friend to you, but it doesn't sound like you're being a good friend to her either.

Friends don't have to always agree or have the same values or even live the same lives. Most of my friends are pretty different from me, and that can get difficult so I limit my time with them.

I personally don't think a 14 year old should be having sex, or dating older men, and behaving in other destructive ways. If you think your friend is in danger, by all means, speak up and say something. But calling her names and degrading her is not going to help. It not only makes her feel bad, but it also makes you look bad. Unfortunately you may not be able to do anything and you may have to let that friendship go if its too complicated to deal with. She is her own person and she's probably won't listen to your judgment in an objective way. Sometimes the way we learn is through the mistakes we make.

You are not 'doing wrong' by choosing to not have a boyfriend. Thats fine if you're not ready. But its ridiculous to think you never will. Nobody is 'bad' for wanting a boyfriend, just as no one is 'bad' for not wanting one. If you take care about yourself, you will always find someone who cares about you. When you're ready.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:22 PM   #6
 
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Originally Posted by BeautyisMiree View Post
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Originally Posted by geeky View Post
Maybe she would not say rude things to you if you did not call her a WHORE or SLUTTY.

You are not into dating and sex, she is. What she does is none of your business. If you find what she does so terribly wrong then stop hanging out with her and find friends that share your values. If you still want to be friends but don't like hearing about all the things she does with guys, then there is a way to say politely 'I don't agree with the stuff you are doing and I am not comfortable hearing about it' and then changing the topic.

If a so-called friend of mine was calling me naive, easy and a whore, I would drop her like a hot potato. Stop talking to her disrespectfully.
I don't most...most of the time she is insulting other girls and me. The whole school knows about her sex life, it's a matter of time before the school principal founds out about her illegal relationship. She always asks for the truth so I hand it to her. Sometimes what I say to her gets out of hand and I always apologize when it does. I always tell her though I don't regret calling you a whore because you are one.

This reminds me of a phrase that goes something like: if you tell someone they're bad all the time, they will believe they are bad.

If you tell someone they are ugly every day they will believe they are ugly.

Using ugly words is not a good tactic if your goal is to make someone feel positive and do positive things. In fact it will probably make them do the opposite.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:46 PM   #7
 
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Women who call other women degrading slurs like whore and slut are participating in the oppression of all women-kind. There are no words for men that are equivalent. Why do you want to participate in degradation like that? IMO, such behavior is a far worse trait than a woman who participates in sexual activiity (which is really none of your business). Really, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy?

I'll tell you the same thing I tell my 15 year old daughter and her friends: mind your own sex life. And stop...just STOP...degrading other women. Practice being pro-woman. You really will need other women who are pro-woman in your life.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:47 PM   #8
 
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Calling someone a whore reflects badly on you. It is a disrespectful and ugly way to talk to someone.

Regardless of what you think of someone, name calling says more about you than it does about the person you are addressing.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:48 PM   #9
 
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+1000 to RCW's comment.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:53 PM   #10
 
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Originally Posted by iroc View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeautyisMiree View Post
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Originally Posted by geeky View Post
Maybe she would not say rude things to you if you did not call her a WHORE or SLUTTY.

You are not into dating and sex, she is. What she does is none of your business. If you find what she does so terribly wrong then stop hanging out with her and find friends that share your values. If you still want to be friends but don't like hearing about all the things she does with guys, then there is a way to say politely 'I don't agree with the stuff you are doing and I am not comfortable hearing about it' and then changing the topic.

If a so-called friend of mine was calling me naive, easy and a whore, I would drop her like a hot potato. Stop talking to her disrespectfully.
I don't most...most of the time she is insulting other girls and me. The whole school knows about her sex life, it's a matter of time before the school principal founds out about her illegal relationship. She always asks for the truth so I hand it to her. Sometimes what I say to her gets out of hand and I always apologize when it does. I always tell her though I don't regret calling you a whore because you are one.

This reminds me of a phrase that goes something like: if you tell someone they're bad all the time, they will believe they are bad.

If you tell someone they are ugly every day they will believe they are ugly.

Using ugly words is not a good tactic if your goal is to make someone feel positive and do positive things. In fact it will probably make them do the opposite.
She doesn't take what I say to offensive though. The only time I say rude things to her is when she attacks me for no reason and wants make fun of a innocent girl in the hallway. I always tell her what I may say will offend so if you want me to stop just say so. She doesn't. When we get out of hand we apologize to each other. I try my best not to degrade her, but when she asks for my opinion I'm going to her my opinion.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:57 PM   #11
 
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Even if she doesn't agree that it's degrading...it's still degrading. You should stop doing it. Mind your own body and sex life.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:57 PM   #12
 
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Women who call other women degrading slurs like whore and slut are participating in the oppression of all women-kind. There are no words for men that are equivalent. Why do you want to participate in degradation like that? IMO, such behavior is a far worse trait than a woman who participates in sexual activiity (which is really none of your business). Really, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy?

I'll tell you the same thing I tell my 15 year old daughter and her friends: mind your own sex life. And stop...just STOP...degrading other women. Practice being pro-woman. You really will need other women who are pro-woman in your life.
That's the thing, she doesn't. She'll tell every girl she comes across about her sex life and when she finds out the girl is a virgin or has been only with one boy. She starts to make fun of her. I'm the only one who tells her the truth since most of her friends talk behind her back.
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:06 PM   #13
 
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Women who call other women degrading slurs like whore and slut are participating in the oppression of all women-kind. There are no words for men that are equivalent. Why do you want to participate in degradation like that? IMO, such behavior is a far worse trait than a woman who participates in sexual activiity (which is really none of your business). Really, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy?

I'll tell you the same thing I tell my 15 year old daughter and her friends: mind your own sex life. And stop...just STOP...degrading other women. Practice being pro-woman. You really will need other women who are pro-woman in your life.
That's the thing, she doesn't. She'll tell every girl she comes across about her sex life and when she finds out the girl is a virgin or has been only with one boy. She starts to make fun of her. I'm the only one who tells her the truth since most of her friends talk behind her back.


Why are you asking for advice if you just plan on continuing your bad behavior?
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:09 PM   #14
 
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Originally Posted by RedCatWaves View Post
Women who call other women degrading slurs like whore and slut are participating in the oppression of all women-kind. There are no words for men that are equivalent. Why do you want to participate in degradation like that? IMO, such behavior is a far worse trait than a woman who participates in sexual activiity (which is really none of your business). Really, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy?

I'll tell you the same thing I tell my 15 year old daughter and her friends: mind your own sex life. And stop...just STOP...degrading other women. Practice being pro-woman. You really will need other women who are pro-woman in your life.
That's the thing, she doesn't. She'll tell every girl she comes across about her sex life and when she finds out the girl is a virgin or has been only with one boy. She starts to make fun of her. I'm the only one who tells her the truth since most of her friends talk behind her back.


Why are you asking for advice if you just plan on continuing your bad behavior?
My behavior isn't bad. Maybe I should rephrase my whole entire first post,
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:16 PM   #15
 
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That's the thing, she doesn't. She'll tell every girl she comes across about her sex life and when she finds out the girl is a virgin or has been only with one boy. She starts to make fun of her. I'm the only one who tells her the truth since most of her friends talk behind her back.


Why are you asking for advice if you just plan on continuing your bad behavior?
My behavior isn't bad. Maybe I should rephrase my whole entire first post,

Yes, it is bad. Your behavior is worse than the friend, because you are degrading her with female-oppressive words. I'm thinking she is probably lashing out at you because you are behaving so badly towards her by calling her horribly demeaning names. Perhaps you should just stop and her behavior towards you might improve as a result.

I guess I'd better C&P your original post, before it disappears.

Quote:
I'm 14 and I'm not into dating right now because I feel as dating in middle school is pointless. My friends all have boyfriends, but I have a few who are very...slutty.

One of them is dating a 22 year old (he thinks she's 17) and has about 3 other guys one the side. She always brags about her status with them and I don't like to sugar coat things so I usually say this to her "You're a whore, you think what you are doing is really cool but deep down in side you're a wreck. You're easy, naive, and again a whore..You get mad when people call you out on your foolishness but then try to act as if everybody does this. I'm not hoping this, but one day you'll mess with the wrong boy and something bad will happen too you." I don't say it to her that harsh, but it goes along the lines of that. Most of our friends agree what I'm saying, but she always turns ignores it and gets into even more trouble.

Sometimes when she knows what I'm saying is right (she hates to be proven wrong) she'll comment on my body and tell me things like "Shut up, you should be worrying about yourself since you'll never be able to get a boyfriend."

"How do you know so much unless you've done all these things yourself? I'm not shocked with the way your body is shaped only. Your ass is fake everything about is fake" I'm really self conscious about my body and I wonder why I consider her my friend when she says rude things to me. I've been asking for advice and nobody has helped me so I thought I should give here a try.
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:22 PM   #16
 
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I'm 14 and I have this friend who is dating this 22 year old (he thinks she's 17) along with a other guys. Each day she brags about her statuses with the boys and then gets angry when somebody calls her out on her foolishness, wether it be me or her best friend. There will be times I say rude things to her (I'll call her a whore) , but I always apologize for it. Most of the time though I don't apologize for calling her a whore, naive and easy because she admits she's naive, easy, and some days she'll yell "I have ho-status!" (I'm not lying she seriously will yell this during lunch)

She has these days where she feels as if she can judge other girls, who are not cheating, and insult them on their appearance and statuses on with their boyfriends. She then brags about her 22 year old boyfriend.

Currently I have no boyfriend and don't want one because I feel as if their is no point when you're in middle school. I usually give her advice about what to do and not to do, but she never follows them since the next day she's grounded for 2 weeks.

I try my best to stay out of her sex life, but every single day she talks about it and when she sees that I'm uncomfortable with it she'll go further into depth about what she did.

So what should I do about her?
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:46 PM   #17
 
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It sounds like it would be in your best interest to discontinue this friendship and move on. It doesn't sound positive for either one of you.
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:53 PM   #18
 
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It sounds like it would be in your best interest to discontinue this friendship and move on. It doesn't sound positive for either one of you.
Agreed
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:58 PM   #19
 
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The thing is you want to do something about tour friend, one thing you will learn as you get older is that you cannot do anything about anyone else's behaviour or thoughts, the only thing you can change is your own behaviour, thoughts and feelings.

So if you want to do something for your friend, learn to support her and change your behaviour to accept about her what you love and ignore what you don't. Or alternatively stop including yourself in her life. Thise are your only options, and anything else is just going to cause you both stress and heartache and ultimately neither of you will have the trust of a friend when you need it.



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Old 04-21-2013, 01:57 AM   #20
 
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I agree with the others who said neither one of you is being much of a friend. I'd suggest backing away from the friendship and moving on.

Do her parents know she's having sex with a 22 year old? Telling an adult would stop that right there. Telling him she's only 14 would probably stop it too, without getting him arrested.
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