Really need some help (long and possibly adult)

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Have you asked him point-blank why he is looking at these pics? I mean, if they're friends of his, why is it bothersome? I look through my friends' pics all the time--I can't be held responsible for their content. Is it his fault that girls/women these days feel the need to constantly take sexually explicit selfies and post them? As a guy, he's going to want to look at them, regardless of whether or not they're friends. I mean, is he lingering over them? How do you know about this anyway?

Maybe he's testing himself? For a male, the loss of the libido is humiliating and terrifying, and the resulting performance anxiety can be completely paralyzing. I can promise you that the hurt and anger I demonstrated also served to exacerbate the problem in our situation. My bf said he was afraid to even try anymore because he couldn't stand to see what it was doing to me.
Originally Posted by Honeycurls
I have asked him and he said that he was just looking at them while he was bored. But I could see on his browser history that he was lingering over these pics for long amounts of time, like 30 minutes, and was not just randomly looking at their albums, he went directly to these pictures. It bothers me because he knows these girls and I would not have any issues at all if he was looking at porn. We share a computer and he left all of these windows up by mistake.
how I could give him oral sex for over an hour and his erection is fine. In fact, I have given him oral many times since all of this happened and he maintains his erection for a minimum of 40 minutes.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I'm really confused by this. Oral sex for an hour? 40 mins to an hour(including sex)? Do most people go this long every time? Just wondering.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Sorry for the confusion. Before January, he always lasted for a pretty long time during sex, usually at least 40 minutes. Now, he can't last at all during penetration. If and when he is even able to get and maintain an erection, he either goes soft within minutes or ejaculates early during penetration. However, he is able to stay hard for over 40 minutes while I am giving him oral sex and control when he orgasms.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
Again, this is exactly what we went through. It may be now that he's unable to last more than a few seconds beyond penetration because he has sex so infrequently. I think that was the case in our situation.

Maybe I'm strange (highly likely), but I've always considered it problematic when a man can go and go and go without orgasm during penetration or oral sex. My bf doesn't like to receive oral sex (no, really) and could go all day without an orgasm--says he doesn't feel anything (????). During penetration he's never been one to go for a long time, not without stopping movement to regain control. But, during the height of our difficult period, he would often ejaculate almost immediately upon penetration.

I've always noted that when he was highly aroused and super into it, he had great difficulty in holding back and had to stop frequently to avoid premature ejaculation. So, I've always equated great stamina with a low state of arousal in our particular situation.

I doubt that anything else I have to say about this situation would be helpful--it's nice to just commiserate sometimes and let someone know they're not the only one to experience something.

Again, best of luck to you both.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
I have nothing to contribute here but my sympathies. It feels like geeky was a lil hard on you, tho. Lol Bc it seems to me you are being somewhat patient & suggesting possible remedies & trying to work w him.

Ultimately, it's his problem, not yours. Not saying you don't have a lot invested in him & in your relationship. Or that you shouldn't care about his wellbeing.

But it's his body & his psyche & you can't make it happen for him. (As women we always want to be the fixers!)

You can be patient & wait. Or not. But you can't make it better. And you are not responsible for it. He needs to fix the erection problem & explain to you what's going on w the girlie pics, imo.

Are you sure he is sometimes ejaculating early? Or his he just pretending he did after he loses his erection?

I feel badly for both of you, tho.



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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree except I think you definitely can help by taking the pressure off and being okay with no sex for a little while. He's probably mentally and emotionally frustrated/defensive and it's hard to relax and be normal when you know someone is anxiously waiting for you to change(even when they are not obvious about it). I've been pressured before, and even just a little reallllyyyy turned me off and for a while. It was a bad cycle.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I understand and I have been trying not to mention it at all. I haven't said anything about sex since April and we also have not done anything sexually since April. But I feel lonely and a little neglected. I am worried that things will not go back to being even close to what they were and that this is some how my fault.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
A month is not terribly long of a time though. I would worry and have been in a similar situation recently (emotionally). You'll have to wait it out and not be too demanding. For me some distance helped.

I'm really confused by this. Oral sex for an hour? 40 mins to an hour(including sex)? Do most people go this long every time? Just wondering.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Sorry for the confusion. Before January, he always lasted for a pretty long time during sex, usually at least 40 minutes. Now, he can't last at all during penetration. If and when he is even able to get and maintain an erection, he either goes soft within minutes or ejaculates early during penetration. However, he is able to stay hard for over 40 minutes while I am giving him oral sex and control when he orgasms.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
Again, this is exactly what we went through. It may be now that he's unable to last more than a few seconds beyond penetration because he has sex so infrequently. I think that was the case in our situation.

Maybe I'm strange (highly likely), but I've always considered it problematic when a man can go and go and go without orgasm during penetration or oral sex. My bf doesn't like to receive oral sex (no, really) and could go all day without an orgasm--says he doesn't feel anything (????). During penetration he's never been one to go for a long time, not without stopping movement to regain control. But, during the height of our difficult period, he would often ejaculate almost immediately upon penetration.

I've always noted that when he was highly aroused and super into it, he had great difficulty in holding back and had to stop frequently to avoid premature ejaculation. So, I've always equated great stamina with a low state of arousal in our particular situation.

I doubt that anything else I have to say about this situation would be helpful--it's nice to just commiserate sometimes and let someone know they're not the only one to experience something.

Again, best of luck to you both.
Originally Posted by Honeycurls
What you have said does make sense. But I would just like to make it clear that I am not the one who wants or needs the sex to go for that long lol. I would be perfectly fine with 20 minutes. He is the one that says that he is really enjoying himself during penetration and does not want to stop. That was his explanation for why he used to last so long. Idk if what he said is true, though.

I agree except I think you definitely can help by taking the pressure off and being okay with no sex for a little while. He's probably mentally and emotionally frustrated/defensive and it's hard to relax and be normal when you know someone is anxiously waiting for you to change(even when they are not obvious about it). I've been pressured before, and even just a little reallllyyyy turned me off and for a while. It was a bad cycle.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I understand and I have been trying not to mention it at all. I haven't said anything about sex since April and we also have not done anything sexually since April. But I feel lonely and a little neglected. I am worried that things will not go back to being even close to what they were and that this is some how my fault.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
A month is not terribly long of a time though. I would worry and have been in a similar situation recently (emotionally). You'll have to wait it out and not be too demanding. For me some distance helped.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Josephine, do you think I should limit the amount of time that we see each other? Could that make him feel as though I am giving him space to work things out on his own? Or could I give him space in different ways?
Have you asked him point-blank why he is looking at these pics? I mean, if they're friends of his, why is it bothersome? I look through my friends' pics all the time--I can't be held responsible for their content. Is it his fault that girls/women these days feel the need to constantly take sexually explicit selfies and post them? As a guy, he's going to want to look at them, regardless of whether or not they're friends. I mean, is he lingering over them? How do you know about this anyway?

Maybe he's testing himself? For a male, the loss of the libido is humiliating and terrifying, and the resulting performance anxiety can be completely paralyzing. I can promise you that the hurt and anger I demonstrated also served to exacerbate the problem in our situation. My bf said he was afraid to even try anymore because he couldn't stand to see what it was doing to me.
Originally Posted by Honeycurls
I have asked him and he said that he was just looking at them while he was bored. But I could see on his browser history that he was lingering over these pics for long amounts of time, like 30 minutes, and was not just randomly looking at their albums, he went directly to these pictures. It bothers me because he knows these girls and I would not have any issues at all if he was looking at porn. We share a computer and he left all of these windows up by mistake.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
Hmm, would this bother you if your sex life was in a better place? See, I don't understand why it matters whether they're friends or not. To me it doesn't matter. I wouldn't like my man lingering over pics of nude/scantily clad females...period. I'm insecure and jealous like that, though.

ACtually, the more I think about this, I think I understand. These are people with whom he could potentially have real-life contact. It adds a level of potentiality to the scenario that doesn't exist when it's just porn or celebrities or complete strangers.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
Is there anything that I could do to take the pressure off of him besides not mentioning it or initiating any kind of sex? Am I making it worse by not initiating?
Have you asked him point-blank why he is looking at these pics? I mean, if they're friends of his, why is it bothersome? I look through my friends' pics all the time--I can't be held responsible for their content. Is it his fault that girls/women these days feel the need to constantly take sexually explicit selfies and post them? As a guy, he's going to want to look at them, regardless of whether or not they're friends. I mean, is he lingering over them? How do you know about this anyway?

Maybe he's testing himself? For a male, the loss of the libido is humiliating and terrifying, and the resulting performance anxiety can be completely paralyzing. I can promise you that the hurt and anger I demonstrated also served to exacerbate the problem in our situation. My bf said he was afraid to even try anymore because he couldn't stand to see what it was doing to me.
Originally Posted by Honeycurls
I have asked him and he said that he was just looking at them while he was bored. But I could see on his browser history that he was lingering over these pics for long amounts of time, like 30 minutes, and was not just randomly looking at their albums, he went directly to these pictures. It bothers me because he knows these girls and I would not have any issues at all if he was looking at porn. We share a computer and he left all of these windows up by mistake.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
Hmm, would this bother you if your sex life was in a better place? See, I don't understand why it matters whether they're friends or not. To me it doesn't matter. I wouldn't like my man lingering over pics of nude/scantily clad females...period. I'm insecure and jealous like that, though.

ACtually, the more I think about this, I think I understand. These are people with whom he could potentially have real-life contact. It adds a level of potentiality to the scenario that doesn't exist when it's just porn or celebrities or complete strangers.
Originally Posted by Honeycurls
Exactly, you took the words right out of my mouth. It is so bothersome because he does know them and sees a few of them fairly regularly and it does make me feel insecure. I would be bothered if I found this even if our sex life was good.
I think it is wrong that you are made to feel alone. You two are a couple and should be working on this situation together. It's obvious that you're not because you are having to come here to seek our advice or opinions on what may be going on. Of course we don't mind it. We love to give advice.
I cannot express how good it feels to be able to get some of this off of my chest. Thank you all very much for the advice, I deeply appreciate it I just wish that he would tell me what is going on. I am afraid that what has been happening are just symptoms of some bigger problem, like he has lost interest or found someone else. It really hurts to think those things because I love him and want things to improve and for him to be happy again.
I'm just going to say this, then I'm going to be done because I feel that I'm just being redundant now.

Some men have a low sex drive. They may not even know this until they are exposed to a woman with a high sex drive.

This doesn't mean they won't still want to look at other women or watch porn or talk about sex or talk dirty. They may avoid doing these things with you in order to avoid getting into a sexual situation with you that may end disastrously again.

A relationship with a woman with a high sex drive can intimidate and stifle what little drive they have. If the woman reacts negatively, it exacerbates the problem and performance anxiety sets in on top of the underlying problem.

I don't know how an inherently "low sex drive" is diagnosed in the absence of a low testosterone level, but it's not something that is likely going to increase over time. In the absence of any other diagnosis, you'd have to decide if you're capable and willing to be in a relationship with a man with a low sex drive and all that entails. I say this because "giving him time and space" may fix the problem temporarily, but what happens later if the root cause is not identified?
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!

Last edited by Honeycurls; 05-13-2013 at 02:30 PM.
I cannot express how good it feels to be able to get some of this off of my chest. Thank you all very much for the advice, I deeply appreciate it I just wish that he would tell me what is going on. I am afraid that what has been happening are just symptoms of some bigger problem, like he has lost interest or found someone else. It really hurts to think those things because I love him and want things to improve and for him to be happy again.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
MC, just know that he may not himself understand what is going on and may be terrified out of his mind because he has no idea how to fix it and how to stop hurting you.

Take care.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
It sounds like his sex drive was up to yours until it stopped abruptly in January and you two were together for 2 years. Doesn't sound to me to be someone who has had a low libido or was intimidated by your sex drive. Just my observation. His not confiding in your as his partner is making you suspect all sorts of things. That's what would irritate me. I'm not saying he's up to no good. I think he's just being selfish and inconsiderate of you. I don't like to make excuses for someone's bad behavior and I feel he is behaving badly towards you.
Josephine likes this.
I cannot express how good it feels to be able to get some of this off of my chest. Thank you all very much for the advice, I deeply appreciate it I just wish that he would tell me what is going on. I am afraid that what has been happening are just symptoms of some bigger problem, like he has lost interest or found someone else. It really hurts to think those things because I love him and want things to improve and for him to be happy again.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I doubt he would go to the trouble and expense of seeing drs and shrinks if he were messing around w/ someone else. Unless he is lying about actually going to see them.

he may have been trying to use the pics (of the other women) as a stimulus to get aroused to prove nothing was wrong (is that was HC meant by "testing himself?") But IDK how enticing or scantily clad or whatever these women were. Either way, that's not the type of "self help" anyone wants to discover of her computer.

was anything else going on in his life or in your relationship at the time it...stopped working?
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I do not think that anything has been going on in his life in terms of stressful events that would cause this. We both have good jobs and he is a teacher that just got asked back to teach again. He also finished his MA in early December.

Up until January, he always had a higher sex drive than I did. But I have not been pestering him for sex this whole time that there have been problems. I have been doing my best to give him space and time but I am losing my patience. I want to be a part of the solution and I want to be updated about what his therapist says. I do not think that he is cheating on me but I hate that I found those pictures on our computer. I do not go trolling for pics of my guy friends without their shirts on. Like I said, I do look at porn but I do not know those people and there is no possibility of me ever engaging in any type of sexual activity or relationship with them. He keeps pushing me away and I feel like we are more like roommates than a couple.
I was a little hard on you and I am sorry.

Did he either start or stop taking any medications or recreational drugs recently? That may affect things a lot.

Does he masturbate? Do you know if he his masturbation habits have changed recently? Some men can't get hard or come with a woman if they are masturbating a lot (and the not getting hard makes them avoid sex and masturbate even more. Vicious cycle )

Do you masturbate? Can you get yourself off? Can you make him a participant in getting you off?

I really don't know what is going on here. I see three possibilities
a) he has a low libido, the newness of the relationship suddenly wore off. sadly there is no cure for incompatible libido.
b) something is going on (stress, crush on someone else, whatever) and you need to resolve it, but that can only work if he is willing to tell you.
c) One-time boner loss spirals into confidence crisis.

And I have no idea which it is, you would have a better sense which it is because you know him. You also should know deep down what you are or are not willing to live with.
spiderlashes5000 likes this.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
Thanks for another reply. Don't worry about being harsh, I need it We live together and as far as I know, he has not started taking any medication or other substances. I want to resolve this more than anything. I just feel a little hopeless atm because we have made no progress. I hope that it is not a crush or a problem at work that he is not telling me about.
He has told me that he does masturbate but does so less than once a week. I have been masturbating a lot since January lol. I can get off on my own and I try to include him but he doesn't seem that interested or is only interested for 5 minutes.
He isn't interested in watching you masturbate? Most men would love that.

I wish I was comfortable with that. Jim would think he'd died and gone to heaven.

Last edited by Lotsawaves; 05-13-2013 at 03:23 PM.
Geeky, do you think that a one time erection loss would normally cause such a self-esteem and self-worth crisis? To me, it does not seem normal.
spiderlashes5000 likes this.

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