Really need some help (long and possibly adult)

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He isn't interested in watching you masturbate? Most men would love that.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
Haha. I know! He is the only one that I have encountered who gets bored watching it. But he used to be interested in watching me and liked watching before January. It seems like he has lost all interest when it comes to me and sex.
I am sorry you are going this and in my own way can sympathise.

This happened with charlotte and they on Sex and the City. The pressure of marriage was too much for him. Things moved too fast.

You said he was asked back to teach. Does that mean that his job was in danger? Are there other factors that would be in play?

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No. His job was never in danger its just that teachers who are not tenured have to either be asked back to teach again the following year or are told to find a new job.
Like I said before, I really can't think of any sources of stress in his life at the moment. He just finished his Master's degree in early December and was not in danger of losing his job. He was not given any extra responsibilities at work and also got a raise because he completed the Master's.
When was the last masturbation conversation? Was that also in April ? If not, he may not feel like its been a month since the last conversation and may still feel the pressure.

Also, as much as this may suck, it might be helpful for you ro mentally accept that you will need to fulfill yourself for a period of time. Once you accept that, it may take aome pressure off both if you.

Also, what are your other love languages? Are there things (non sexual) that will help u feel loved?

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Geeky, do you think that a one time erection loss would normally cause such a self-esteem and self-worth crisis? To me, it does not seem normal.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
After reading all the posts I'm pretty convinced the one-time loss spiraled out of control and just compounded on itself and got worse and worse.

Really, the issue here isn't sex, it's lack of communication on BOTH of your parts. The fact that neither of you are talking about your feelings on this matter and what you're each separately doing or not doing about it is a major problem.


As an aside, avoiding all sexual contact is really not the answer. What I think you need is regular sexual contact where intercourse is off the table, and there's no pressure on anyone to orgasm.
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"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
That means his job was on danger and that stressful

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I dont know what is causing his problem, but I do know the male libido can be very fragile and the emotional damage done by your yelling may seem insurmountable to him...subconsciously, of course. It's always a good idea to treat any erectile disfunction very gently and not make a big deal out of it. Otherwise, it can become a big deal. There can be a similar problem in women with lubrication...just worrying about being moist enough for sex can dry things up and if the partner complains, it makes the problem worse.

ANYWAY...what i would do in your shoes would be to concentrate on intimacy and affection right now, rather than sex. You want to keep the closeness that sex brings, even if you arent having sex. Backrubs, foot rubs, head rubs, while cuddling and kissing...just don't try to make sex happen. I'd let him be the initiator for a while. It may take a LONG while for him to get over the performance anxiety, but if the relationship is worth it to you, I'd work really hard to keep the intimacy during the healing phase.
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my ex and I (whom I was VERY in love with) broke up because of a similar situation. I was on AD and had ZERO sex drive and h took it personally. Once I went off them the pressure he put me under made my sex drive disappear. If he had just taken the pressure off and loved me without intercourse being an issue it would have resolved itself in time instead it made me resentful
My partner and I have been together for 11 years - and our sex life has had ups and downs, and here is what advice I can give...

"trying" other kinds of sex and REALLY LOVING all types of sex with your partner are 2 separate things. To completely remove the pressure I'd just take intercourse off the table all together (not forever, but unspecified, but extended period of time.) Have fun in other ways, if he gets hard - cool... if not, no biggie —*cause there will be NO ****ING. Having that stress of knowing that if you go soft there is going to be this big mourning over it is WAY TOO MUCH weight! That's enough to keep anyone soft.

If dedicating yourself to doing this and learning to enjoy your new sex life (even if that means it may not include intercourse for a while - maybe a long while) isn't something you're on board for.... that is perfectly OK. Maybe you are just not sexually compatible. You're under 25 and youve been together for only 2 years, time to move on.
I am sorry you are going this and in my own way can sympathise.

This happened with charlotte and they on Sex and the City. The pressure of marriage was too much for him. Things moved too fast.

You said he was asked back to teach. Does that mean that his job was in danger? Are there other factors that would be in play?

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Originally Posted by scrills

I thought about Charlotte and Trey too, and my 3 year relationship.

The guy I had known for years, dated, and lived with started to lose interest in sex around a year in. It happened gradually and somewhat abruptly, if that makes sense. Before I knew it, he only wanted to have sex once a month. I talked to him about it, I tried not to pressure, I tried different things and I was upset. I went on BC for him, after testing, and... Once a month! I am a once a day type a person (not a must but a rather) and had always been with men who had no problem with that. He simply told me, several times, that he always lost interest in sex. In every relationship.

My ex always had porn mag's. Playboy, Jugs, whatever, and he liked watching porn. I have no issue with that, but I could not help taking issue when he had no interest in me, but would get up in the middle of the night and sneak into the living rm or bathroom with a movie or mag. I had no worries that he was cheating on me. He is not that type of person, at all, but I could not help feeling rejected, no matter how hard I tried. It equalled to me supporting his sexual needs and getting none of mine met in return, for a long time.

I ended up sleeping on the couch. I could not even stand to be in the same bed with him. We had a close friendship, but not a relationship. I also was clued into some things that he did. All of the porn he watched, and the mags he looked at, were filled with one specific type of woman. Brown hair, brown eyes, and huge boobs. An exact match with his first love, and ex fiancé, who I knew and went to school with. It was clear to me that he had unresolved issues with his past, and I told him my suspicions before we called it a day and went our separate ways.

I do not tell you that to worry you. That was my situation, and I did find out after talking with 2 of his ex's (years after we broke up) that he said was true. He always did lose interest in sex. Even with the first love. He had a very low sex drive, and a high fantasy drive.

I am still mad that I stayed in the relationship as long as I did. I am a patient person, and I did care for him as a friend, but I honestly was not in love with him. We were not a good relationship match, in more than one way, and he did not even bother trying to improve our situation. He really didn't. He simply settled into it, and I could not.

If your boyfriend is in fact going to see doctors, and going to therapy, that shows he is willing to work on the situation. That is a good sign. If you are willing to work on the relationship longer, by all means do. I hope it works out for you. I agree with Geeky on the list of things it could be. With two years invested, it's worth it to try and find out. Just remain honest with yourself in the process.

**PS- I was 24 when we started dating, and 25 when that happened. It's been close to 14 years ago.
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Last edited by Fifi.G; 05-14-2013 at 01:04 AM.
Geeky, do you think that a one time erection loss would normally cause such a self-esteem and self-worth crisis? To me, it does not seem normal.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I don't know about "normally" but I could see it happen easily. A lot of men, especially young men, really do have a lot of esteem riding on their performance in bed. I could see it happening once as a fluke and freaking him out. Next time he tries to have sex he is thinking about it and worrying about what if it happens again and next thing you know it happens again because of the worry. So now it's not a one time thing, it must be a pattern. So next time he is even more worried and so on and so on.
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Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.

"trying" other kinds of sex and REALLY LOVING all types of sex with your partner are 2 separate things. To completely remove the pressure I'd just take intercourse off the table all together (not forever, but unspecified, but extended period of time.) Have fun in other ways, if he gets hard - cool... if not, no biggie —*cause there will be NO ****ING. Having that stress of knowing that if you go soft there is going to be this big mourning over it is WAY TOO MUCH weight! That's enough to keep anyone soft.
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Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady
I think this is great advice!!! Just totally take sex off the table and do lots of other stuff. Cuddle and watch a movie, hold hands, make out, grope. If he wants to take it longer, let him.

Have you though about going with him to therapy, or a separate couples counselor?
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Sorry for disappearing everyone and thank you for all of the great advice. The therapist did mention doing other intimate things like massages and back rubs and such. Whenever I try to rub his shoulders he pushes me off and if I ask for a back rub he isn't interested. I would love to go to therapy, not the same therapist that he is seeing now but one for couples, but he is not interested in that either. He is reluctant to even tell me what his therapist says in terms of suggestions for me and my behavior. I do enjoy the other sexual things that we do almost as much as I like penetration but he just isn't enthusiastic anymore. I feel like I am always being rejected. I understand that I hurt his feelings when I yelled but I didn't insult him or our sex life. All I said was that the problem had been continuing for a decent amount of time and that he should see a therapist. I only yelled after he refused to seek help once the doctor said that he was fine physically. I am trying very hard to be understanding but I feel that I am doing all of the work at this point and that he won't even meet me halfway. He wants to be normal again just like I do but that will never happen if he won't even hold my hand or let me rub his shoulders.
I just noticed this thread, so sorry for the late response.

The man that I am with currently has issues with performance anxiety. He admitted this several weeks after we started dating. It's not a recent issue either. He's had it for as long as he can remember. He is able to get it up but upon penetration the erection is gone. A number of other women were not so understanding or patient. Years ago, one of his exes demanded that he see a doctor and he eventually ended up taking Viagra. He's been on it for over a decade and he's 46 now. He feels embarrassed about having to take a pill for sex as he feels less manly, but my position is to not knock what works. Plenty of other men take it and other drugs of its ilk. Before he got his latest fill of the drug a month ago, we would do other things that didn't involve penetration to try to take the pressure off, like mutual masturbation, oral sex and massages. There are other ways you can be satisfied besides penetration. Sometimes men have the impression that women expect them to be machines and be able to perform on command. That's an unfair burden on them. There are times when we don't have desire for sex either. At least that's the case for me. Respecting our partners and being willing to try other things and not putting on the pressure is key.

I also have to say that your BF's willingness to see someone about the issue speaks to his maturity and attempt to face the problem. Other men wouldn't want to do that. I dated another guy around 8 years who had the same problem and instead of dealing with the issue, chose to blame me. Needless to say we didn't last long.




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Sorry for disappearing everyone and thank you for all of the great advice. The therapist did mention doing other intimate things like massages and back rubs and such. Whenever I try to rub his shoulders he pushes me off and if I ask for a back rub he isn't interested. I would love to go to therapy, not the same therapist that he is seeing now but one for couples, but he is not interested in that either. He is reluctant to even tell me what his therapist says in terms of suggestions for me and my behavior. I do enjoy the other sexual things that we do almost as much as I like penetration but he just isn't enthusiastic anymore. I feel like I am always being rejected. I understand that I hurt his feelings when I yelled but I didn't insult him or our sex life. All I said was that the problem had been continuing for a decent amount of time and that he should see a therapist. I only yelled after he refused to seek help once the doctor said that he was fine physically. I am trying very hard to be understanding but I feel that I am doing all of the work at this point and that he won't even meet me halfway. He wants to be normal again just like I do but that will never happen if he won't even hold my hand or let me rub his shoulders.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I was going to ask you how he is responding to you otherwise, but you already answered the question. I'm sorry, but I guess I'm not that patient. It sounds to me like he is trying to punish you. I'd get the hell out of Dodge.
Sorry for disappearing everyone and thank you for all of the great advice. The therapist did mention doing other intimate things like massages and back rubs and such. Whenever I try to rub his shoulders he pushes me off and if I ask for a back rub he isn't interested. I would love to go to therapy, not the same therapist that he is seeing now but one for couples, but he is not interested in that either. He is reluctant to even tell me what his therapist says in terms of suggestions for me and my behavior. I do enjoy the other sexual things that we do almost as much as I like penetration but he just isn't enthusiastic anymore. I feel like I am always being rejected. I understand that I hurt his feelings when I yelled but I didn't insult him or our sex life. All I said was that the problem had been continuing for a decent amount of time and that he should see a therapist. I only yelled after he refused to seek help once the doctor said that he was fine physically. I am trying very hard to be understanding but I feel that I am doing all of the work at this point and that he won't even meet me halfway. He wants to be normal again just like I do but that will never happen if he won't even hold my hand or let me rub his shoulders.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I was going to ask you how he is responding to you otherwise, but you already answered the question. I'm sorry, but I guess I'm not that patient. It sounds to me like he is trying to punish you. I'd get the hell out of Dodge.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
I agree. Only you can decide when you have had enough. If you were married and older and something traumatic happened, then I can understand working on it because it would eventually pass. However I couldn't handle a sexless relationship and could only be friends especially since he refuses to talk with you.

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My boyfriend has a little bit different issue, but we've really managed to work our way through it. In the past, he's had trouble getting ready to go. He actually tried a prescription for Viagra in a past relationship, which he says worked. We had that issue a few times and every time it's happened I've responded in the same way - I've continued to kiss him and touch him and let him do the same for me. I let him touch me or give me oral sex - even though I would have preferred actual sex at that time. I think maybe all but one time he's become aroused and we've continued. The other problem that we encounter more frequently is that he sometimes has trouble maintaining arousal. When that happens, I just whisper, "It's ok" and snuggle up to him. We'll keep fooling around and often after a little bit, he's ready to finish. Yes, it disrupts my pleasure and can sometimes make it difficult for me to orgasm, but I know that he probably already knows that inherently and that I don't need to inform or remind him of this. I've realized that for him, a lot of this is entirely mental - so I try not to add to that baggage. I never give him a hard time, don't throw it in his face when we fight, and he knows that he doesn't need to be embarrassed or feel bad when something like this happens with me. One thing I have discovered is that when he first wakes up, he's a little too sleepy for his brain to interfere with the rest of him. If we had a tough night, I'll often set my alarm a little early and wake him up and we'll have morning sex.

You also should consider letting your boyfriend's therapy be a safe, confidential space. If he wants to share with you what he's talked about, he will. Asking him what they've discussed only puts him on the spot.
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Sorry for disappearing everyone and thank you for all of the great advice. The therapist did mention doing other intimate things like massages and back rubs and such. Whenever I try to rub his shoulders he pushes me off and if I ask for a back rub he isn't interested. I would love to go to therapy, not the same therapist that he is seeing now but one for couples, but he is not interested in that either. He is reluctant to even tell me what his therapist says in terms of suggestions for me and my behavior. I do enjoy the other sexual things that we do almost as much as I like penetration but he just isn't enthusiastic anymore. I feel like I am always being rejected. I understand that I hurt his feelings when I yelled but I didn't insult him or our sex life. All I said was that the problem had been continuing for a decent amount of time and that he should see a therapist. I only yelled after he refused to seek help once the doctor said that he was fine physically. I am trying very hard to be understanding but I feel that I am doing all of the work at this point and that he won't even meet me halfway. He wants to be normal again just like I do but that will never happen if he won't even hold my hand or let me rub his shoulders.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly


The more you clarify, the more it sounds to me like sex is actually the least of your relationship problems. To me, it sounds like your relationship has serious communication and intimacy issues...and it's possible that sex was covering up the real problems. If you can't talk about your problems and if you can't have intimacy in other ways...why would you continue? That's a question only you can answer. At some point, you're going to need to decide if a lifetime of rejection and lack-of-intimacy is tolerable to you, or whether it's time to cut your losses and move on.
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Gosh, I ddn't realize how common this problem is among the nongeriatric crowd. but after reading thru this thread, I see it's not all that uncommon.

Sorry for disappearing everyone and thank you for all of the great advice. The therapist did mention doing other intimate things like massages and back rubs and such. Whenever I try to rub his shoulders he pushes me off and if I ask for a back rub he isn't interested. I would love to go to therapy, not the same therapist that he is seeing now but one for couples, but he is not interested in that either. He is reluctant to even tell me what his therapist says in terms of suggestions for me and my behavior. I do enjoy the other sexual things that we do almost as much as I like penetration but he just isn't enthusiastic anymore. I feel like I am always being rejected. I understand that I hurt his feelings when I yelled but I didn't insult him or our sex life. All I said was that the problem had been continuing for a decent amount of time and that he should see a therapist. I only yelled after he refused to seek help once the doctor said that he was fine physically. I am trying very hard to be understanding but I feel that I am doing all of the work at this point and that he won't even meet me halfway. He wants to be normal again just like I do but that will never happen if he won't even hold my hand or let me rub his shoulders.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
Has either the medical dr or the counselor mentioned Viagra or similar? Would your bf be opposed to trying it? Would you? (I don't mean that ~you~ would take the Viagra...you know what I mean LOL)

It seems the mood is very heavy and tense right now. Maybe to cut some of the tension and lighten things up, you could suggest it?

It wouldn't get to heart of what the problem is but it could rule some things out.
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