Really need some help (long and possibly adult)

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I would like to preface this by saying that I was a regular poster for many years but have since been on a break from the board. I did not want to post this under my regular user name.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we are both under 25. Up until this past January we were having great sex at least three times a week. I have a high sex drive and my sex life is very important to me. Then one day my boyfriend lost his erection during sex after maybe 5 minutes of having sex. I felt bad asked him if there was anything wrong and he just said that he was tired and feeling a little sick. I was fine and didn't say anything to him about what happened after that. Later that week, we tried again and after just a few minutes he had the same problem. This happened and continues to happen every time we have sex, if he can even get an erection at all. So in February, I asked him to go to a doctor to make sure that he was alright physically and he is, there are no health issues. When he got a clean bill of health and his problem continued, I suggested seeing a psychiatrist. He has been seeing him since the end of February at least once a week. Nothing is helping. We have no sex life because he feels so bad about this problem. To be honest, and its really hard for me to admit this, I have been not as supportive as I should be. I yelled at him once because I was angry and frustrated. I am sick and tired of him going soft inside me after ten minutes or him finishing immediately after entering me. I get no satisfaction from any of this and I am so confused. Before January we used to have great sex that lasted for 40 minutes to an hour. Then all of a sudden he developed this problem. I try my best to be supportive but I have needs that are not being met and have not been met since January. He has offered to give me oral sex but I have never really enjoyed oral, I much prefer penetration. Then, last week I was using our computer and found that he had been looking at pictures on facebook of girls that he is friends with. In all of these pictures, the girls were scantily clad or in compromising situations/positions. I am very hurt and I don't really know what to think anymore. I do not want to ask any of my "real life" friends for advice because I am worried that they will say something to my boyfriend, my boyfriend is very good friends with all of my friends. Please help me
It's entirely possible that it happened as a fluke the first time, and then after that your boyfriend was so nervous about it that it happened again and became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you are not helping, if you tell him the only thing you want is penetration and he knows he can't deliver, of course he is not going to want to get into situations where he is just going to fail again, of course he would rather avoid it and look at pictures of girls online. You need to take the pressure to perform off him, take intercourse off the table. You like penetration, guess what, you can be penetrated by lots of things that are not his penis. If he can satisfy you, then he may eventually get his confidence back where he can have intercourse again, and if he does not last, no big deal, he can satisfy you other ways.

If you value your relationship with him then try this with him. If not, if you must have the p in your v or you will not be satisfied and I think you and he are doomed. I just hope you tell him when you break up with him that it is not him that is the issue but your narrow definitions of what sex means.
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To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
I think it's very good that he is willing to go to the doctor and psychiatrist. A lot of men wouldn't. I do agree with Geeky as far as putting any pressure on him, but if you are like me I don't like any foreign objects inside me. Of course there are other ways to orgasm in the bedroom other than intercourse, but at such a young age I would think he would want to find out what is going on. I'd also feel hurt that he was looking at other women. It sounds like you have been communicating, but I'd be curious what the psychiatrist feels about what is going on. Is he opening up with you on this?
Wow, this is like a chapter out of my own life story. I could have written every last word of this--except in our case it wasn't FB (wasn't around yet), it was porn and my lingerie catalogs--until I caught him. We went on like that for years. If I would have let him, my bf would have given me oral every day for the rest of our lives and been perfectly satisfied with that, but I'm betting the OP understands why that is not ok. For some women, that probably sounds like a dream...a guy who doesn't demand--or even want--penetration or oral himself, just wants to give you the best oral of your life as often as you want it. Awesome...a unilateral sex life. No thanks.

I'm just going to keep my advice simple because it's all right there:

What geeky said.

Some men are intimidated by a woman with a high sex drive--my bf was. There's a distinct possibility that you two aren't sexually compatible--I hope if this is the case, you can both identify this and move on before any further damage is done. It happens. Don't doom yourselves to a life of chasing something you can't catch.

Best of luck to you.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
It's entirely possible that it happened as a fluke the first time, and then after that your boyfriend was so nervous about it that it happened again and became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you are not helping, if you tell him the only thing you want is penetration and he knows he can't deliver, of course he is not going to want to get into situations where he is just going to fail again, of course he would rather avoid it and look at pictures of girls online. You need to take the pressure to perform off him, take intercourse off the table. You like penetration, guess what, you can be penetrated by lots of things that are not his penis. If he can satisfy you, then he may eventually get his confidence back where he can have intercourse again, and if he does not last, no big deal, he can satisfy you other ways.

If you value your relationship with him then try this with him. If not, if you must have the p in your v or you will not be satisfied and I think you and he are doomed. I just hope you tell him when you break up with him that it is not him that is the issue but your narrow definitions of what sex means.
Originally Posted by geeky
Good post. I completely agree.

Sex is just one aspect of a relationship--an aspect that you two have already proved has been compatible in the past, and also that he is willing to work on by seeing a doctor and a psychiatrist. But....you don't seem to be willing to work on it. That seems to be the problem here. Maybe you should be seeing someone as well.

Also, one thing to keep in mind is that throughout a lifetime many things can interrupt your sex life. Physical illness, depression, stress, child birth, separated by distance, etc. Most of these are bound to happen in any relationship.

Finally, if you decide to acknowledge that you haven't been working on the issue, and decide to begin working on it, I encourage you to avoid phrases like "I don't like" or "I can't". No one has tried everything, every way, with every person. Maybe you WILL like it, if it's done the right way, by the right person, and maybe it will take some work to get there.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
What I would be questioning is why it was good up until January and it isn't anything physical with him. What happened to change his sex drive? I would definitely be concerned about the abrupt change and his looking at pics of other women.
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I have to echo what some of the previous posters have said as far as not pressuring him. I was in a situation like this in my early 20s, except I was the one who suddenly had issues. I always had a very healthy libido and the problems started with a genuine medical issue- I got ovarian cysts and sex was horribly painful. I was nervous even after the cysts resolved, and then my BF started making comments and I just ended up shutting down because I felt so pressured - it was basically horrible performance anxiety. Eventually the whole relationship fell apart.
I'm not saying that sex isn't an important part of a healthy relationship, but I wouldn't consider it the most important, or even in the top 5. My last relationship was with someone who was flat out lousy in bed. I was willing to look past that because he was great in almost every other respect. Granted, after we broke up, I did joke around with a few of my close friends that it was a sign that I wasn't meant to have to settle for bad sex for the rest of my life, but that's a different story
Try to be patient and give him a bit of space to get his confidence back.

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Thank you for all of the replies! Geeky, I thought that your post was very helpful. We did do "other" things like penetration with toys and oral and it is nice but it doesn't really do much for me. I really do try to orgasm during those activities and sometimes I do but most of the time I do not. I have been trying to build up his confidence but nothing really seems to help him improve in that department. His psychiatrist said that having successful non-penetration sexual experiences would help and we have been trying that since January, but again, it isn't helping. Also, I am super worried about how abruptly all of this happened, it was honestly just like a switch was flipped. The day before we had sex and it was great. The next day, all of these problems started. I am really worried about his health and his self-esteem. More than anything, I want him to feel better. However, a great deal of his behavior has been very frustrating and confusing, like looking at pictures of other girls and how I could give him oral sex for over an hour and his erection is fine. In fact, I have given him oral many times since all of this happened and he maintains his erection for a minimum of 40 minutes. It used to be that he also preferred penetration and had a higher sex drive than I did but now that has changed. I wish he would tell me more about what his therapist has said and what else I could do to help but he always tells me that I just have to wait. I would be fine with waiting if he could tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel Sorry for another long and rambling post.
What I would be questioning is why it was good up until January and it isn't anything physical with him. What happened to change his sex drive? I would definitely be concerned about the abrupt change and his looking at pics of other women.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
This is exactly what happened in my relationship, too, and there was never any explanation for it other than that my libido began to eclipse his after about a month. After about one month of not being able to get enough of each other, it was like I had emptied his libido of all its contents, and his body takes a very long time to replenish the supply. That doesn't mean their desires for looking at other women diminish, but the inability to perform is not necessarily linked with their desire to look at other women. Some men who are completely impotent still want to look at and touch women. A girlfriend of mine dated someone like this.

The 'looking at pics' part isn't unusual at all. Men aren't like women. Heterosexual men always have interest in looking at other women. Always. Al-ways. ALLLLLways. AlWAYS.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
What is he wanting you to be waiting on....his ability to keep it up during penetration or what he and the therapist are discussing/working on? I may be in the minority here, but if my partner was having any problems sexual or otherwise I would expect to be involved with him fully.

ETA: I didn't say it was unusual for him to look at pics of other women. I'm saying it would bother me because of the circumstances.

Last edited by Lotsawaves; 05-13-2013 at 01:22 PM.
What is he wanting you to be waiting on....his ability to keep it up during penetration or what he and the therapist are discussing/working on? I may be in the minority here, but if my partner was having any problems sexual or otherwise I would expect to be involved with him fully.

ETA: I didn't say it was unusual for him to look at pics of other women. I'm saying it would bother me because of the circumstances.
Originally Posted by Lotsawaves
LOL, no, I wasn't suggesting that you did. I'm simply pointing out that most women (including myself at that time) think that "if he's not interested in having sex with me, he must not be interested in looking at other women." That's absolutely not true. Heterosexual men will want to look at other women regardless of whatever else is going on in their lives. That the OP should not assume that his looking at women in and of itself, irrespective of this situation, is necessarily a signal of anything. That was my only point. Even males in the most solid of relationships with great sex lives still like to look at other women.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
Lotsawaves, yes. He does expect me to wait for both of those things. Also, I watch porn so I am not bothered by him looking at these pictures. Well, I am bothered that he is looking at pics of girls that he knows and I am bothered because he keeps saying that he has no sex drive.
I have nothing to contribute here but my sympathies. It feels like geeky was a lil hard on you, tho. Lol Bc it seems to me you are being somewhat patient & suggesting possible remedies & trying to work w him.

Ultimately, it's his problem, not yours. Not saying you don't have a lot invested in him & in your relationship. Or that you shouldn't care about his wellbeing.

But it's his body & his psyche & you can't make it happen for him. (As women we always want to be the fixers!)

You can be patient & wait. Or not. But you can't make it better. And you are not responsible for it. He needs to fix the erection problem & explain to you what's going on w the girlie pics, imo.

Are you sure he is sometimes ejaculating early? Or his he just pretending he did after he loses his erection?

I feel badly for both of you, tho.



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Lotsawaves likes this.
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I also feel like I am not being involved. I feel partially responsible. I feel bad that I yelled at him even though all I said was how frustrated I was. I never called him names or insulted him in any way about this situation. He is very reluctant to tell me what the therapist says even if I ask him what the therapist thinks I should be doing or if there is anything that can be done to make any progress. He is very reluctant to communicate with me, which is frustrating.
how I could give him oral sex for over an hour and his erection is fine. In fact, I have given him oral many times since all of this happened and he maintains his erection for a minimum of 40 minutes.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I'm really confused by this. Oral sex for an hour? 40 mins to an hour(including sex)? Do most people go this long every time? Just wondering.
I have nothing to contribute here but my sympathies. It feels like geeky was a lil hard on you, tho. Lol Bc it seems to me you are being somewhat patient & suggesting possible remedies & trying to work w him.

Ultimately, it's his problem, not yours. Not saying you don't have a lot invested in him & in your relationship. Or that you shouldn't care about his wellbeing.

But it's his body & his psyche & you can't make it happen for him. (As women we always want to be the fixers!)

You can be patient & wait. Or not. But you can't make it better. And you are not responsible for it. He needs to fix the erection problem & explain to you what's going on w the girlie pics, imo.

Are you sure he is sometimes ejaculating early? Or his he just pretending he did after he loses his erection?

I feel badly for both of you, tho.



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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
This is a little embarrassing to say, but I am sure that he is ejaculating early. He will pull out of me to ejaculate on my stomach or my back. He never used to have a problem controlling his ejaculations, either.
I have nothing to contribute here but my sympathies. It feels like geeky was a lil hard on you, tho. Lol Bc it seems to me you are being somewhat patient & suggesting possible remedies & trying to work w him.

Ultimately, it's his problem, not yours. Not saying you don't have a lot invested in him & in your relationship. Or that you shouldn't care about his wellbeing.

But it's his body & his psyche & you can't make it happen for him. (As women we always want to be the fixers!)

You can be patient & wait. Or not. But you can't make it better. And you are not responsible for it. He needs to fix the erection problem & explain to you what's going on w the girlie pics, imo.

Are you sure he is sometimes ejaculating early? Or his he just pretending he did after he loses his erection?

I feel badly for both of you, tho.



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Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree except I think you definitely can help by taking the pressure off and being okay with no sex for a little while. He's probably mentally and emotionally frustrated/defensive and it's hard to relax and be normal when you know someone is anxiously waiting for you to change(even when they are not obvious about it). I've been pressured before, and even just a little reallllyyyy turned me off and for a while. It was a bad cycle.
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how I could give him oral sex for over an hour and his erection is fine. In fact, I have given him oral many times since all of this happened and he maintains his erection for a minimum of 40 minutes.
Originally Posted by mysterycurly
I'm really confused by this. Oral sex for an hour? 40 mins to an hour(including sex)? Do most people go this long every time? Just wondering.
Originally Posted by Josephine
Sorry for the confusion. Before January, he always lasted for a pretty long time during sex, usually at least 40 minutes. Now, he can't last at all during penetration. If and when he is even able to get and maintain an erection, he either goes soft within minutes or ejaculates early during penetration. However, he is able to stay hard for over 40 minutes while I am giving him oral sex and control when he orgasms.
Have you asked him point-blank why he is looking at these pics? I mean, if they're friends of his, why is it bothersome? I look through my friends' pics all the time--I can't be held responsible for their content. Is it his fault that girls/women these days feel the need to constantly take sexually explicit selfies and post them? As a guy, he's going to want to look at them, regardless of whether or not they're friends. I mean, is he lingering over them? How do you know about this anyway?

Maybe he's testing himself? For a male, the loss of the libido is humiliating and terrifying, and the resulting performance anxiety can be completely paralyzing. I can promise you that the hurt and anger I demonstrated also served to exacerbate the problem in our situation. My bf said he was afraid to even try anymore because he couldn't stand to see what it was doing to me.
OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
Dood, get over it; there's no time limit on lurking.

I so busy runnin' allllllll over the place and ain't nobody chasin' me!
I have nothing to contribute here but my sympathies. It feels like geeky was a lil hard on you, tho. Lol Bc it seems to me you are being somewhat patient & suggesting possible remedies & trying to work w him.

Ultimately, it's his problem, not yours. Not saying you don't have a lot invested in him & in your relationship. Or that you shouldn't care about his wellbeing.

But it's his body & his psyche & you can't make it happen for him. (As women we always want to be the fixers!)

You can be patient & wait. Or not. But you can't make it better. And you are not responsible for it. He needs to fix the erection problem & explain to you what's going on w the girlie pics, imo.

Are you sure he is sometimes ejaculating early? Or his he just pretending he did after he loses his erection?

I feel badly for both of you, tho.



Sent from my SCH-I605 using CurlTalk App
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
I agree except I think you definitely can help by taking the pressure off and being okay with no sex for a little while. He's probably mentally and emotionally frustrated/defensive and it's hard to relax and be normal when you know someone is anxiously waiting for you to change(even when they are not obvious about it). I've been pressured before, and even just a little reallllyyyy turned me off and for a while. It was a bad cycle.
Originally Posted by Josephine
I understand and I have been trying not to mention it at all. I haven't said anything about sex since April and we also have not done anything sexually since April. But I feel lonely and a little neglected. I am worried that things will not go back to being even close to what they were and that this is some how my fault.

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