Guy & Friendship problem (long)....

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Hi ladies,

I am not on here much anymore; however I need some advice about guys and friendships...

A coworker and I became close friends these past 3 years we have worked together. We were both instructional coaches; I for math and she for science. Her name is Mary. She’s in her 40s and married; I am 34 and single. We became even closer this year because we are both suffering from uterine fibroids and will need surgery. She even visited me in the hospital when I needed a blood transfusion from heavy bleeding. Anyhow....

In January a new (male) science teacher was hired; his name JR.

I really didn't pay attention to him that much until he joined us at a happy hour. We talked a lot and found out we had a lot in common. A few days later he invited both Mary and I to see him play (he sings country music on the side). We all talked and had drinks until 2am. Then in the parking lot he asked me for my number and we hung out all of Spring Break...just having dinner, drinks, and good conversation. Definitely a mutual attraction; a lot in common even spiritually. However he never tried to kiss me or anything; tried hard not to touch me. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because he had just broken up with his fiancée in January. I totally understood having been burned by being a rebound to a recently divorced guy. So I appreciated his honesty.

Fast forward a few weeks, we attended another friends bday brunch together, had drinks on restaurant patio, and finally returned to my place and watch some TV snuggled on the couch; great day! He even said it was great day together! However, after this day is when he started to be distant....I assumed maybe the snuggling (which he initiated) was moving too fast since he was not ready.

My friend knew how I felt about him; I told her how much I like him.

We haven't gone out anymore together since. I have asked him on 2 occasions and he's declined so I have left him alone. We just talk on the phone and text each other.

What is troubling me is Mary is now asking him out and going out drinking with him. I know because of FB posts. One night they drank all night together until 6am! I feel like she is stabbing me in the back knowing how much I like him. She's in her 40s and married; he's 27. She and I used to have dinner and go out, but I am never invited anymore only he is.

The last time I had dinner with her and our other friends she was very quiet and wouldn't look me in the eye. That's the night they hung out until 6am!

Yesterday was his birthday and I called to tell him “Happy Birthday” we talked for a while then he told me that Mary had invited him to come out with her and her nieces…he kept saying I was more than welcome to attend but I felt weird not having her invite me herself…I don't know…


I feel stupid for feeling hurt and jealous because he told me he wasn't ready and I went and developed feelings. Although he would make statements like we had a future together… “when we get together yada yada yada…” and “I want a lot more from you than just sex”…

I am hurt that my friend will go after him. I say going after him because before each time she’s been out with him she either can’t look at me or doesn’t want to talk to me.

Now I don't know if I should say something to either them? Or just let it go and let it work itself out.

He, Mary, and her sisters went in together on a boat party. However the same day I have a brunch with some old friends at the same time. Do I cancel the brunch and go to the boat party or do forget about it and go to the brunch?

He even called to make sure I would attend the boat party.

Am I over reacting and being insecure because I like him as more than friends?

What would you do in this situation? I hope this makes sense; sorry for rambling J
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I think he's made it clear he's not looking for what you are right now. I would back off and spend time with your friends.

If he is as genuine as you say he is, he may feel "safe" with her because she's married.

She's a crappy friend and I would be no more then civil with her.
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ITA with CC.

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I'm surprised her husband doesn't have a problem with that...
HomeGrownHairGirl likes this.
I say you go to brunch with your friends, not the boat thing. As it is, you're saying they've been excluding you etc. You have plans with others. Why would you cancel with your friends to hang out with people who are, by all accounts, not necessarily your friends?

I'd also just disconnect from the whole situation. If he wants to date you, he'll let you know. You coming running the first time he asks you (after acting so distant) is essentially saying you're okay with him doing that. As for Mary (is that her name?), whatever she's doing is her business, she's got a husband and is doing this and you were her "friend"and she's monopolizing this guy. Obviously she has stuff going on that she needs to deal with.

Be good to yourself, spend time with those who make time for you. Don't settle for crumbs of attention tossed out to you.

ETA quit with the talking on the phone and texting, unless you are 100% okay with being his stand by person. You'll constantly set yourself up for pain if you want something he doesn't and you keep "being there" when he wants to chat. Don't make him a priority if he's not doing the same

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Last edited by PerriP; 07-14-2013 at 07:27 AM.
Mary isn't really your friend. And it's quite possible she is having an affair with JR.

JR is bullsh1tting you when he says it's "too soon" after his breakup. If he liked you enough to have a relationship with you, he would have pursued you. He didn't. I'm sorry, but "he's just not that into you".

I think you need to concentrate on your real friends.
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Mary needs to stay her married a$$ at home and concentrate on her family; instead of being out all hours of the night drinking...but that is kind of besides the point.

I say leave Mary and JR alone. They both sound like they have emotional problems and are manipulators.

I'm 34 and single too, so I know how it is to want a guy to like you SO bad...However, I realized more recently that most of the time, it is just better to move on.

ETA: I worked as a substitute teacher for 2 years out of college so I know how catty/political these social circles in schools can be. I say AVOID THE DRAMA at all costs, lol.
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Last edited by HomeGrownHairGirl; 07-14-2013 at 12:42 PM.
Thanks everyone for all your responses you have helped me solidify what I should do. My first instinct was to go the brunch with my friends and cut ties with both JR and Mary; its not worth it and I hate drama. But I was in disbelief and kept second guessing maybe I should say something, go the boat party and see what happens, etc.

Thank you for helping to follow my first mind!

Sundial - I am thinking the same thing. Now looking back in hindsight she hung out all the time with us single gals. Her husband met up with us twice. She would always say he worked nights and she didn't want to sit home alone. Something is definitely not right there.

I have a new job at the district central office and won't be in the same school with them anymore...hallelujah!

RedCatWaves - I realize that now; it is perfectly clear he was ********ting me. I fell for it because the last guy I dated broke up with me because he needed to deal with things from his divorce; we dated too soon. When JR said his shpeal I was like, "wow this guy is on the up and up and being honest"...not jumping into anything too soon. Boy, was I wrong. We went out every week (so I did think he was interested) and then after the one time I ask him to go somewhere with me (the bday brunch) he gets distant.

PerriP - "Crumbs of attention" that exactly how I felt when he was telling me I was welcome to come to the invite the Mary extended to him only. What am I a tag along; no thank you!

HomeGrownHairGirl - Yes! Emotional manipulators; great way to put it. Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing! I've been to all kinds of dinners with Mary's family; we've bought each other gifts; helped each other on projects at work. JR confided in me all these things about his family and stuff. Its amazing what lengths some people will go through to pretend to be your friend/interested. Crazy!

I needed reassurance of what my gut was telling me to do! Even at 34 I am inexperienced in dating; only one serious bf when I was 27. So far things just haven't gone my way in the department.
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What's is frustrating is that my other 2 friends just love Mary. They have no clue what a fake friend and back stabber she is....gonna be interesting when we get to get together again....
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My opinion: I think JR was hoping to bang you. He kicked the door wide open on cuddle night but you failed to take the bait and he has moved on. Don't chase him; he doesn't want a relationship w/ you..

I don't think Mary is necessarily a bad friend but she wants JR for herself. Emotionally or sexually. Not sure. Yes, she is married but married ppl cheat and when you are riding that infidelity euphoria-train, you're not really aware of what a huge a-hole you're being. Maybe she will return to reality eventually.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Sounds like JR is only interested in sex and has made it kind of clear. I say kind of only because you later mentioned he talked about a possible future with you but maybe he was just saying that to get you in bed. He probably felt uncomfortable after the couch snuggling because he was most likely hoping you'd initiate sex and it didn't happen. He also sounds kind of immature.

Something happened with Mary and JR, whether it was physically or not. That's why she felt uncomfortable and she knows she's wrong since you've told her you like him.

I would forget about JR unless you only want a booty call. If he was really into you, he wouldn't be hanging out with Mary like that. He's probably hoping for or got sex from her. She's obviously not right to her hubbie, but that's a different story and not your problem.
I say you go to brunch with your friends, not the boat thing. As it is, you're saying they've been excluding you etc. You have plans with others. Why would you cancel with your friends to hang out with people who are, by all accounts, not necessarily your friends?

I'd also just disconnect from the whole situation. If he wants to date you, he'll let you know. You coming running the first time he asks you (after acting so distant) is essentially saying you're okay with him doing that. As for Mary (is that her name?), whatever she's doing is her business, she's got a husband and is doing this and you were her "friend"and she's monopolizing this guy. Obviously she has stuff going on that she needs to deal with.

Be good to yourself, spend time with those who make time for you. Don't settle for crumbs of attention tossed out to you.

ETA quit with the talking on the phone and texting, unless you are 100% okay with being his stand by person. You'll constantly set yourself up for pain if you want something he doesn't and you keep "being there" when he wants to chat. Don't make him a priority if he's not doing the same

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Originally Posted by PerriP
Absolutely this!
hmmm this reminds me of a situation fron when I was 15. I had a close gf at my summer job, (we were counselors at a day camp). She was 21 and going thru some complicated divorce from a guy she married to help out w/ a green card...but she and I got along really well, despit the age difference.

Then this guy who was 19 started working at our job, halfway thru the summer. He immediately started crushing on me but I wasn't interested in the least. However, my 21 y/o gf wanted him bad! I don't think he was to attracted her but she offered him oral sex one night and it was on and popping btwn them.

My gf knew I was the one he actually liked, so she tried to push me out of the picture to limit any competition. And our friendship went down the drain. And so did their friendship w/ benefits, once camp ended.
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I wouldn't say anything to your friends unless/until you talk to her about her actions. It sounds pretty suspicious, but you won't know her intent until you do talk to her personally. I would cut ties with him. Sounds like he isn't interested in what you have to offer.
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hmmm this reminds me of a situation fron when I was 15. I had a close gf at my summer job, (we were counselors at a day camp). She was 21 and going thru some complicated divorce from a guy she married to help out w/ a green card...but she and I got along really well, despit the age difference.

Then this guy who was 19 started working at our job, halfway thru the summer. He immediately started crushing on me but I wasn't interested in the least. However, my 21 y/o gf wanted him bad! I don't think he was to attracted her but she offered him oral sex one night and it was on and popping btwn them.

My gf knew I was the one he actually liked, so she tried to push me out of the picture to limit any competition. And our friendship went down the drain. And so did their friendship w/ benefits, once camp ended.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yep! I'm beginning to think she wanted him when he first started working with us but he became interested in me and not her. I got in her way.

I do believe she has said things about me. At our end of school happy hour they both were acting weird when I showed up not really talking or making eye contact with me. He complained of a headache and she goes all the way back out to her car to get him some aspirin. This is all before I saw the FB stuff....
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Now I get that he only wanted sex so why didn't he initiate anything? He never even tried kissed me. And when he hugged me it was with one arm kinda side ways. I just attributed to him "not being ready". Lol. I know very stupid of me.

I maybe would have initiated something on cuddle night if he'd showed more physical interest too...

However on the phone and in text he would say flirtatious and sexy stuff...mixed signals...

I guess it just boils down to he wasn't that into me but if I put it out there for him to take he would've taken it...
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Men and women can both give mixed signals and be confusing. At my age I won't waste my time with someone I have to 2nd guess. Not worth it. You're also better off without "friends" like Mary. You should be able to trust your friends.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
Now I get that he only wanted sex so why didn't he initiate anything? He never even tried kissed me. And when he hugged me it was with one arm kinda side ways. I just attributed to him "not being ready". Lol. I know very stupid of me.

I maybe would have initiated something on cuddle night if he'd showed more physical interest too...

However on the phone and in text he would say flirtatious and sexy stuff...mixed signals...

I guess it just boils down to he wasn't that into me but if I put it out there for him to take he would've taken it...
Originally Posted by frizzybarbie
Or maybe he was into you but knows he would just wind up hurting you so he didn't push the issue.
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are you military? you have that 'look'.

just wondering, I know a lot of ladies orders' have been to promote yet tiptoe so as not to be too specific around topics such as this.

yeah, I'd say just back off from the dude and re-evaluate your "friend".
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Last edited by hairhealth; 07-18-2013 at 01:09 PM. Reason: just WHAT is the reason for the hubby darkness????
What on earth is a military look?

Pretty sure FB is in the school system.
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn

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