SO's parents were mean to my 11 year old.

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I was never quite sure how my mom's siblings felt though. :-/ It was their parents after all, not mine. Especially when it came to my grandmothers will. The youngest son got the same as everyone else, and then some. He was the only one to get additional.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

My kids get mad if the other gets as much as one extra raisin in their cereal. I can't imagine how the'd feel if I gave one money and not the other...let alone said one was my favorite.

Yes, mine are full bio siblings. But I don't think that matters to kids.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

ONE:
I have an Etsy store (yeah, I said it). And at times, my cousins and niece help. I ask them to come over, but there have been times when they bought a friend, another cousin, a son, just someone I wasn't expecting. I pay with checks, but if I was paying in cash, I wouldn't have had the money to pay the other people.

Two
Spending more than I expect on a given day is hard

Three
it's especially hard because I don't pay myself all year. I wait until taxes are settled (I know there are ways around that). but seeing extra money come out my pocket that I wasn't expectig is hard

Four
Now, it is expected. Some days it seems like I can't ask anyone for a favor without them expecting a check at the end. That can be draining. Like the grandma, I'm sure she thought it was nice to have someone just come over and help.


I know that it's hard, but paying the others still isn't a reason he should get paid. And I do feel bad for your son.
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Last edited by scrills; 09-05-2013 at 12:45 PM.
Haha. It never mattered to me. My brothers are my brothers, though technically half. I have never thought of them that way. My grandparents never did additional things for my grandma's favorite grandkids. The only gifts they every really gave were for graduation (we did get cards for birthdays and christmas and a small trinket at christmas. oranges, peppermint stick, sometimes $5 each when papaw still had a steady pay check, etc) That they could swing, because it happened at different times. Not all at once. We just had a large amount of land to run on, plenty of food, and always had someone to play with there. It was a blast. I don't think they ever gave their youngest son more until after the passing. It was just a matter of going easier on him, and treating him differently. That I could not do to my kids, if I had any, and my parents never did that with us. It was more of a learned behavior for my grandma.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 09-05-2013 at 12:45 PM.
I think it was more that the granddaughter got paid that set him off.

Scrills, if I was having family members come over to help me with my business and expected to pay them then I would expect them to pay any of their friends coming over to help out of their pockets. Wasn't an agreement that you made.

Example: If I asked my cousin to come over and watch my children one day and offered to pay her and she brought over a friend. I wouldn't pay her friend too. Even tho' she helped out.
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
It sounded like they were getting their kitchen remodeled for free. That they didn't even pay for materials. New cabinets, too? They may have saved anywhere $10,000 - $20,000. Cabinets cost around $5,000 by themselves. And now that the work is done, the appraisal value of their house has gone up a buttload.

How hard would it have been to give the kid a few dollars? Or given both kids $15. Or not given either child any money and taken them both out for ice cream. Or just said "Im broke, sorry" and patted them both on the head and kept it moving?

It sounds like the SO has probably done work for them for free in the past. Considering all the money he has likely saved them over the years, wouldn't it be worth a few bucks to help keep the peace in his home after his gf found out how they treated her son?
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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 09-05-2013 at 01:13 PM.
wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.

Cabinets are only part of the expense. And kitchens don't exactly equate a higher appraisal. Appraisals are based on the selling price of house near you within the last 6 months (in order to determin price per square foot). If selling, it might make the house sale faster but not increase the appraisal, but that depends on the state of the kitchen before and how the other houses on the market look.

I say all of this as woman who had a new kitchen but not a higher appraisal value.

While, I do think there was some shade, I try not to "count other people's pockets". We dont' know what else was going on.

At my church, we are taught that the only steps in a house are the ones you walk up and down
ONE:
I have an Etsy store (yeah, I said it). And at times, my cousins and niece help. I ask them to come over, but there have been times when they bought a friend, another cousin, a son, just someone I wasn't expecting. I pay with checks, but if I was paying in cash, I wouldn't have had the money to pay the other people.

Two
Spending more than I expect on a given day is hard

Three
it's especially hard because I don't pay myself all year. I wait until taxes are settled (I know there are ways around that). but seeing extra money come out my pocket that I wasn't expectig is hard

Four
Now, it is expected. Some days it seems like I can't ask anyone for a favor without them expecting a check at the end. That can be draining. Like the grandma, I'm sure she thought it was nice to have someone just come over and help.


I know that it's hard, but paying the others still isn't a reason he should get paid. And I do feel bad for your son.
Originally Posted by scrills

Well said, Scrills. You don't really know what their arrangement or plan was before hand, and it is very hard for many to get family or friends to assist in a favor without seeing a flashing equal opportunity ATM sign now.


I also pondered if they are a little leery about treating Violets son the same as family, before he actually is. Getting close I mean, and treating him like their grandson, and equal to their grandchild, before they know what's what. I have had more than one girlfriend who pressed their child becoming close with her boyfriends family, it fell apart, and many ended up devastated and heart broken. My oldest friend was the worlds worst to move way too fast and crush her son as a result. (not saying that's you, V. Not at all. that was all her). Do you know if he has dated someone with children prior to you?
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

It sounded like they were getting their kitchen remodeled for free. That they didn't even pay for materials. New cabinets, too? They may have saved anywhere $10,000 - $20,000. Cabinets cost around $5,000 by themselves. And now that the work is done, the appraisal value of their house has gone up a buttload.

How hard would it have been to give the kid a few dollars? Or given both kids $15. Or not given either child any money and taken them both out for ice cream. Or just said "Im broke, sorry" and patted them both on the head and kept it moving?

It sounds like the SO has probably done work for them for free in the past. Considering all the money he has likely saved them over the years, wouldn't it be worth a few bucks to help keep the peace in his home after his gf found out how they treated her son?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
She said her boyfriend bought new tools for the job, if I remember correctly. Not the materials, but tools.

My brother will give his eye teeth for any reason to buy new tools. Lol. He would never expect my mom to pay him back for those, because he will use again, even if he makes up a reason. Materials she buys. Hopefully his parents bought the materials themselves. If not... That's not cool unless it was part of a gift or something someone wants to do for their parents.

^^ I bring that up because my brother recently did renovations on my moms old house, to get it ready for rental to his (that should be) (step) son and daughter in law and the children they claim My mom bought all the materials, but my bro was in heaven. He had a good excuse to get tools he wanted.
scrills likes this.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 09-05-2013 at 02:12 PM.
wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.

Cabinets are only part of the expense. And kitchens don't exactly equate a higher appraisal. Appraisals are based on the selling price of house near you within the last 6 months (in order to determin price per square foot). If selling, it might make the house sale faster but not increase the appraisal, but that depends on the state of the kitchen before and how the other houses on the market look.

I say all of this as woman who had a new kitchen but not a higher appraisal value.

While, I do think there was some shade, I try not to "count other people's pockets". We dont' know what else was going on.

At my church, we are taught that the only steps in a house are the ones you walk up and down
Originally Posted by scrills
There are three ways to value real estate - cost, income capitalization and sales comp. The kind you mention is sales comp. That's used if you are going to sell in an arms' length transaction.

A new kitchen may or may not help you in an arms length sale, but it will cause it to appraise higher using the two other approaches which are used if you have to rebuild, if you have to divide assets, if you are trying to refi, if you are applying for a second lein on the property, for insurance purposes, etc.

And yes, of course, a new kitchen will sell a house faster; it's the most important cosmetic upgrade you can do. And they got it all for free.

(Saying this as a woman who has spent too much time in real estate classes. LOL)
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

My kids get mad if the other gets as much as one extra raisin in their cereal. I can't imagine how the'd feel if I gave one money and not the other...let alone said one was my favorite.

Yes, mine are full bio siblings. But I don't think that matters to kids.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Yea, growing up it was kind of unspoken(almost spoken) who the favorite was. But my parents didn't treat us differently, at least not in an obvious way. I would think that wouldn't be good for a family.
My kids get mad if the other gets as much as one extra raisin in their cereal. I can't imagine how the'd feel if I gave one money and not the other...let alone said one was my favorite.

Yes, mine are full bio siblings. But I don't think that matters to kids.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

Yea, growing up it was kind of unspoken(almost spoken) who the favorite was. But my parents didn't treat us differently, at least not in an obvious way. I would think that wouldn't be good for a family.
Originally Posted by Josephine
So if there was no obcvious difference in treatment, how is a favorite established? Just by tradition bc one is male? To me, a favorite means you treat one better than the others.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.
Originally Posted by scrills
The only time I saw cabinets mentioned is when she said her son opened boxes, helped hold them while someone else used tools to put them together, and read the instructions to the adults as they mounted them. She did not specifically say her SO bought them.

If he had to leave the tools that he purchased at their house, that's one thing. But if he bought tools and took them home... That was his choice.

Unless Violets means materials as opposed to tools, which are two very different things.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

I would think that even if someone wasn't treated differently, but it was known they were a favorite would cause resentment for the other sibling/s. How is something like this right?
scrills likes this.
From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.
Originally Posted by scrills
The only time I saw cabinets mentioned is when she said her son opened boxes, helped hold them while someone else used tools to put them together, and read the instructions to the adults as they mounted them. She did not specifically say her SO bought them.

If he had to leave the tools that he purchased at their house, that's one thing. But if he bought tools and took them home... That was his choice.

Unless Violets means materials as opposed to tools, which are two very different things.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
I guess I don't see how it's "two very different things" or how it's even the issue at all. SO saved them a lot of money. Period. Exponentially more money than a small, token reward they could have given Violet's son so he wouldn't feel excluded.

If the grandparents paid for their own materials, it debunks the idea that money is so very tight that they couldn't afford to give the kids a few dollars.

Who embarks on a major home improvement job w/ a budget so tight that $15 is going to matter one way or another? Especially at big cost reduction.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I agree. PLUS if they just didn't think to pay him. Some of us have brain farts. Then the grandmother could have said so and then offered to pay him. She made him feel bad about asking and didn't offer him anything. As his mom I would be pissed and I'd be pissed at the SO for not stepping in. I would not want to be a part of a family who would treat my child this way.
From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.
Originally Posted by scrills
The only time I saw cabinets mentioned is when she said her son opened boxes, helped hold them while someone else used tools to put them together, and read the instructions to the adults as they mounted them. She did not specifically say her SO bought them.

If he had to leave the tools that he purchased at their house, that's one thing. But if he bought tools and took them home... That was his choice.

Unless Violets means materials as opposed to tools, which are two very different things.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
I guess I don't see how it's "two very different things" or how it's even the issue at all. SO saved them a lot of money. Period. Exponentially more money than a small, token reward they could have given Violet's son so he wouldn't feel excluded.

If the grandparents paid for their own materials, it debunks the idea that money is so very tight that they couldn't afford to give the kids a few dollars.

Who embarks on a major home improvement job w/ a budget so tight that $15 is going to matter one way or another? Especially at big cost reduction.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
You're the one who said he bought the cabinets, and brought up thousands of dollars being spent on them, when that was never specifically said. :-/ And no that doesn't debunk the idea. Even their grandchild did not get money that same day. As far as I could tell only the man hired and his son helping were paid that day (and the son could have been part of the pre arranged deal). I'm just saying there is a difference in someone buying the kitchen cabinets (materials) and buying some tools, and tools is what she said.

I wish they would have given him some money too but again, I don't know their whole situation on that day, their financial situation period, or what they had planned.
scrills likes this.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 09-05-2013 at 02:25 PM.
My So is building his parent's kitchen. He wanted to take my son with him because even though he is 11 he was very excited to help.

They left around 7am and SO told me to go get him around 11am. When I got there my son was like "mommy I am working". He ended up being very useful opening the boxes and putting the cabinets together and a grown up did the staple gun and tools he isn't allowed to touch. In all he worked 7 hours that day

His parents didn't acknowledge what he did, so I encouraged him to write something up and call them. The problem is that he didn't understand why everyone else got paid but he didn't. Their granddaughter actually got $30 for helping unpack the kitchen. this is what he wrote:

I am dissatisfied because I assisted in remaking your kitchen but everyone else got rewarded excluding me.
I believe I should be treated with reasonableness since:
1) I helped constructing the cabinets
2) I explained to the grown-ups exactly how to build the cabinets and door hinges
3) I managed not to make an inaccuracy
In conclusion, I worked for seven challenging hours trying to help you reconstruct your kitchen and I reason that I should be treated accordingly


I did NOT help him write this. In fact I was at work when he wrote it.

He calls SO's mother and her answer was "Well I didn't hire you" she also told him she didn't pay her my stepdaughter, which isn't true. She didn't pay her that day but she certainly did pay her. Which my son knew because they are very close. Also they were discussing money and what they paid the 2 other adults working and my son heard it so he was expecting SOMETHING .
I am so angry they would treat my son this way. She was cold and heartless to him on the phone. She also said, "What do you want? Money? " to which he replied , well it doesn't have to be a lot.
I understand he is a child but he really did do a lot of work and he was doing it right. My BF isn't going to say anything to them because they really don't get along but that is another story.
Originally Posted by violets

From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.
Originally Posted by scrills
The only time I saw cabinets mentioned is when she said her son opened boxes, helped hold them while someone else used tools to put them together, and read the instructions to the adults as they mounted them. She did not specifically say her SO bought them.

If he had to leave the tools that he purchased at their house, that's one thing. But if he bought tools and took them home... That was his choice.

Unless Violets means materials as opposed to tools, which are two very different things.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
I guess I don't see how it's "two very different things" or how it's even the issue at all. SO saved them a lot of money. Period. Exponentially more money than a small, token reward they could have given Violet's son so he wouldn't feel excluded.

If the grandparents paid for their own materials, it debunks the idea that money is so very tight that they couldn't afford to give the kids a few dollars.

Who embarks on a major home improvement job w/ a budget so tight that $15 is going to matter one way or another? Especially at big cost reduction.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It doesn't really matter. We don't get to decide how other people spend their money. We can get mad about it and hold a grudge or we can move on.
scrills likes this.
^ Yep.

I also have to say that I have a hard time looking at it as... Their son saved them money and therefore they owe. Again, I have no kids, but anything I can do or could have done to help my parents and save them a buck or two in the process, I would. I can never being to cover how much they have done for me in my life. They kept a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, school supplies, trips, college, entertainment, on and on. Helping re model the kitchen as they get older would be a very small thank you to all they have done in comparison.

I know Violets son is a different part of that equation. Just saying.
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When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

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