SO's parents were mean to my 11 year old.

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wait, where did they get new cabinets? I don't see that part.
Originally Posted by scrills
The only time I saw cabinets mentioned is when she said her son opened boxes, helped hold them while someone else used tools to put them together, and read the instructions to the adults as they mounted them. She did not specifically say her SO bought them.

If he had to leave the tools that he purchased at their house, that's one thing. But if he bought tools and took them home... That was his choice.

Unless Violets means materials as opposed to tools, which are two very different things.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
His parents bought the cabinets. SO spent $1000 in tools. That he claimed his is going to use. That was his argument to me when I asked him if he was nuts for buying the tools. I can assure you he has no need to use in the near future. The saws are still are his parents house. He didn't bring them home.

In 5 years I have yet to have them give him any gift other than a simple bday or christmas gift. My SO is a good guy so he would never ask for money. They are the type of parents that only call him when they want something.
My SO designed, and helped them every step of the way building the kitchen, including ripping out the old one. He didn't get a dime for it. Overall they saved about 8-10k over they quote they got from a local place.

Also for those wondering, we have been together for 5 years. Long enough for them to be a little nicer to my son.
Originally Posted by violets
5 years is way more than long enough for them to be nicer to, more comfortable around, etc.. your son.

From what you said I did not get the impression that he bought or made the cabinets (instructions implies pre fab for sure), just the tools, so I did want to clarify. And good grief! I would be getting those saws!

Are they even aware how much he spent? From what you said it doesn't sound like he would tell them anyway. He does sound like a good guy. I wish he would talk to them, along with you, about your sons feeling though. And I hope he finds some use for the tools again.

(I know my brother saved my mom a pretty penny helping with renovations at the old house. Labor alone is insane but my mom still had to take out a loan to buy the materials and do many things (including hiring people for some jobs and discounted rent for awhile) to help my SIL's son and his family out a bit. It was all asked of her and my mom still kept trying to pay people. They didn't take a dime, but they did help themselves to some things in the basement, which I did talk to them about)... Family :-/

And to clarify on my part... The gift thing was just a side topic. Nothing about your son, but I am glad to know they have at least done that.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 09-06-2013 at 09:32 PM.
I have to say this too...

I can not get over the number of articles and blogs I have read about parents giving gifts to every single sibling on one child's birthday. That's... It's really not good (and as I have said, causes problems). They all have one. Is there some reason why they can not celebrate the day their brother or sister came into this world without expecting more than some cake, some smiles, and some love for their sibling? The same will be done for them. That is moving way past fair and entering into creating problems celebrating others achievements/moments, birthday etc. without expectations their own attached to it.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
I have to make the terrible confession that...well my mum did this to us as kids. My sister always got a gift on my birthday and it happened the other way around. I remember going to visit my newborn baby sister in hospital and being given a Cinderella castle, instead of just the gift of having a be sibling...it was so wrong looking back, and did us no favours as children! I agree that it was very unfair and I wish my mum had taken a bigger stand about it and been much firmer and not given in to the whole 'siblings should be treated the same' deal. I feel my younger sibling feels very entitled in life and it drives me batty - she expects everything to be done for her! - and I totally think this is where it has come from.
Originally Posted by 09robiha
For some odd reason your post didn't show the first time I read through, that or my eyes didn't function correctly. It could be either.

I know you are not alone in this. It's been pretty common for several years, and with some families before that. I believe it's another part of the self esteem movement (which I am glad I escaped by the hair of my teeth). I personally have several issues with several of the theories behind it. I don't think one needs to completely remove several life lessons, taught successfully for many years, to add more of one theory. I don't think I would appreciate that as a parent. I absolutely don't as a reader. Do you mind if I ask how old your sister is?

And PS- Love the way you put that. You knew what was what
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
She is 16, 17 this year and, forgive me for saying so, but she is a self-entitled, spoilt brat! She's always been this way and even asked what she would be getting when I turn 21 in a few months. I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't expect that at all from anyone if it was the other way around. Can't pick your family I guess! I kind of get why my mum did it, to 'spare her feelings' or to make her not feel left out...but I can't for the life of me grasp how my mum thought it would teach a positive message help in later life.
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I have to make the terrible confession that...well my mum did this to us as kids. My sister always got a gift on my birthday and it happened the other way around. I remember going to visit my newborn baby sister in hospital and being given a Cinderella castle, instead of just the gift of having a be sibling...it was so wrong looking back, and did us no favours as children! I agree that it was very unfair and I wish my mum had taken a bigger stand about it and been much firmer and not given in to the whole 'siblings should be treated the same' deal. I feel my younger sibling feels very entitled in life and it drives me batty - she expects everything to be done for her! - and I totally think this is where it has come from.
Originally Posted by 09robiha
For some odd reason your post didn't show the first time I read through, that or my eyes didn't function correctly. It could be either.

I know you are not alone in this. It's been pretty common for several years, and with some families before that. I believe it's another part of the self esteem movement (which I am glad I escaped by the hair of my teeth). I personally have several issues with several of the theories behind it. I don't think one needs to completely remove several life lessons, taught successfully for many years, to add more of one theory. I don't think I would appreciate that as a parent. I absolutely don't as a reader. Do you mind if I ask how old your sister is?

And PS- Love the way you put that. You knew what was what
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
She is 16, 17 this year and, forgive me for saying so, but she is a self-entitled, spoilt brat! She's always been this way and even asked what she would be getting when I turn 21 in a few months. I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't expect that at all from anyone if it was the other way around. Can't pick your family I guess! I kind of get why my mum did it, to 'spare her feelings' or to make her not feel left out...but I can't for the life of me grasp how my mum thought it would teach a positive message help in later life.
Originally Posted by 09robiha
I am sorry. I am sure that gets frustrating. She is, and has been, old enough to get over that. There has been a large amount of emphasis put on making sure no child ever feels left out. It comes from a good place, but a large part of it is not thought out, and the long run was hardly considered. Just immediate avoidances of hurt feelings and in turn delays of learning skills that are necessary and good to have in life.

I know some find it silly (and are sick of hearing) that people are heavily opposed to every child getting a trophy or reward when it comes to extra curricular activities or tasks in school despite actual performance, but it's the same premiss. People saw it possibly creating some *unrealistic* expectations/entitlement problems in the long run. Same with constant praise, avoidance of grading in red ink to not harm a child's self esteem, on and on and on. It does not work that way in the day to day, and employers are not going to coddle.

I wish your mom would tell her that's it's time for this to stop. That would be a nice gift.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 09-07-2013 at 08:58 AM.
^ And that is why the largest promoters of the movement are now starting to say... Sorry! We didn't think this through.

You don't say
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??

At least the young man has good communication skills! It will serve him well in life.

While I agree that children should not be raised to expect money for helping family or friends, I also think it is wrong for adults to take advantage of the free labor of a child if they aren't going to treat him like family.

As an adult, if I received a letter like that from a child, I would be nice about it even if I felt it was inappropriate, and would gently explain why he shouldn't be asking for money - make it into a learning experience. But, not everyone is good with kids.

Sorry that he needs to deal with family problems at this age, but unfortunately that is one of the harsh realities of life.
Awww. That was really sweet Ashley! You're doing a good job!
Originally Posted by Po
I second that.

And you are right Ashley, it is not. There are going to be times when one child needs something and the other does not. If their shoes no longer fit and they need a new pair, while the siblings are still good... There you go. It's indulgent to buy for both just for the sake of it. In a few more months the other will grow out of theirs and all will be well. I know specific grades have set field trips, and eventually everyone will get a turn.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
True, but apples and oranges IMO.

***

Violets, do you get he feeling that if another opportunity presents itself for A to do something w/ SO's family, he would still want to or would he decline? And if he declined, would it cause any tension btwn him and L?
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Awww. That was really sweet Ashley! You're doing a good job!
Originally Posted by Po
I second that.

And you are right Ashley, it is not. There are going to be times when one child needs something and the other does not. If their shoes no longer fit and they need a new pair, while the siblings are still good... There you go. It's indulgent to buy for both just for the sake of it. In a few more months the other will grow out of theirs and all will be well. I know specific grades have set field trips, and eventually everyone will get a turn.
Originally Posted by Fifi.G
True, but apples and oranges IMO.

***

Violets, do you get he feeling that if another opportunity presents itself for A to do something w/ SO's family, he would still want to or would he decline? And if he declined, would it cause any tension btwn him and L?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

I don't know. He will probably "forget" about it but not really, IYKWIM.
I know I won't forget. I am not going to give them the opportunity to do this to him again. There is more to the story than what I post here,though. I think they always have kind of shunned him and he does know that. I can't hide it, even when at times I have tried. Like for Christmas when they buy more gifts for the girl than for him, I always buy more gifts so that he will have the same amount as her.
Or for his band concert when they didn't go and didn't even say anything to excuse themselves. He wasn't even expecting them to go, so he told them that. This time I had nothing to do with it. I was shocked when he told them that, but he was just speaking his mind in a kid kind of way.

That won't drive a wedge between A and L. They like each other too much. Her grandparents have always done things by themselves with L, not even include their own son, so that won't be different. I suspect things will kind of stay the same. I won't have him go there anymore. It won't matter, bc he doesn't really go there much anyway. If the grandparents do something with L , they never ask about A to bring him along.

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