I feel like such a loser...

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I am 38 and about to be twice divorced. My self esteem is so low right now. It's a challenge for me to just get out of bed these days.

I was married the first time when I was 27. Looking back, I knew walking down the aisle I shouldn't do it, but just didn't know how to get out of it. I'm not one who can pretend to be happy when I'm not. I was just so unhappy and knew I wasn't with "the one". We divorced a little over a year later.

Fast forward to ten years later, I though I had met "the one". I was head over heels in love. We only dated 6 months before we got married. It was a second marriage for both of us, we were older, and just didn't see the need to date for a long time as we both wanted to be together. We got married in Feb.

Fast forward to July. I'm a flight attendant and had been on a typical three day trip. I left home on Friday and got home on Monday. That Monday when I got home, I was in complete shock. The house was a complete disaster. I'm a very neat person and always keep the house immaculate. I don't mean just a few things out of place, I mean furniture moved to the corner of a room, dishes all over the kitchen, the guest room was a disaster (his kids had been visiting). I guess he had started to strip the guest bed after the kid's visit and then decided not to wash the sheets as they were just strown all over the floor. There was a half drank glass of whatever he was drinking and then an empty bottle of vodka sitting on the kitchen cabinet. He had called out sick from work (even though he had taken the whole week before off to spend with his kids..they live out of town). He was passed out on our bed. He woke up when I came in and I was LIVID!! I said you weren't sick today, you were drunk or hungover!! He said he didn't know what to say. I was so mad that I left and spent the night at my parent's house. I also told him to let me know when the house was back in order and I'd come home.

I was only at my parent's house one night. That night, he was blowing up my phone calling and texting. He was so sorry, so embarrassed, etc. I told him that I absolutely would not live like that..not knowing what to expect when I came home from a trip. He promised that wouldn't happen again and he even got rid of all the alcohol we had in the house.

He works for an insurance company and was switching the insurance agency he was working for and there was a two week gap that he was off. I went on a two day trip during that time. I was literally only gone from home about 36 hours. I came home and he hadn't bothered to pick up after himself and again, he was passed out drunk when I came in.(This was 5 weeks after the first incident). I was also irritated because he didn't bother to offer to cook dinner or anything when he had been home and I had come in from working. I left again and went to my parent's house (I wasn't kidding when I said I would not live like that). He called and asked if I was coming home and I said no, I'm not. I told him he needed to get help with his drinking problem which of course he denies having.

I really wanted us to work things out and I wanted him to find a better way to cope with things besides drinking. He said he wanted all of that too. He said he would go to counseling. I was at my parent's house for two weeks and during that time he made zero effort to see me or to make any efforts in regard to a counselor. So I told him he needed to move out (we were living in my house that I was living in before he came in the picture).

He was SOOO mad that I "kicked him out" that he went and got an apartment and signed a six month lease instead of going month to month. When I made attempts to talk to him during that time, he was just mad and arrogant and even mean. He asked if I ran off my first husband too, told me my life will be pretty hollow with just "an annoying dog". He knows how I feel about my dog...I don't have children and she is like a child to me.

Two weeks ago, I told him that I still love him very much and want us to work things out and asked if he wants to also. He said he is not going to change for anyone at this point in his life, is going to hang out with his friends and drink when he wants to. So, I contacted a lawyer and filed for divorce...it was filed last Friday.

I feel hurt, rejected and I miss him. However, I am way more upset/devastated/embarrassed about being 38 and (almost) twice divorced than I am about losing him.

I also now have to face the fact that children are probably not in my future. I feel like now I"M a giant red flag and that no one will want to date me, much less marry me. Yes, I still want to find "the one". I'm just so humiliated and embarrassed. I have been off work for three weeks...I had some vacation time and I have a ton of sick leave that I was saving up for a rainy day and it's damn near a flood in my world right now. I am seeing a counselor. Also, I lost about 10 pounds in two weeks. I went from 115lbs to 106lbs (fully clothed at the dr). I can't eat, I can't sleep. My doc put me on an antidepressant and gave me some sleeping pills. I just don't know how to deal with all of this...

I don't really know why I posted here...I guess I'm just hoping maybe others have some words of wisdom for me...

I knew NOTHING of this drinking issue until the first incident in July. I just feel so stupid!!
I understand. I was twice divorced at age 34! I went through a similar period of thinking I was the poster child for what not to do, that no one would ever want to date me again, let alone marry me. I've found that most people don't really care, especially since lots of time has passed in between and I've learned a lot about myself.

I'm actually very proud of you for recognizing that you didn't want to live that way and sticking to your boundary. That must have been very difficult.

Take some time to nurture yourself. Eat. Breathe. Healing will come.

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I have no idea what to say, but wanted to offer you lots of {{{{{HUGS}}}} So sorry that you're going through this, you are certainly not a loser.
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Please stop doubting yourself. Your soon-to-be-ex deceived you by hiding his drinking problem. Now he's saying "I want to be selfish." He's told you who he is, and it's just something that has to be accepted, even though it sucks.

Try to look at it this way: is it possible that you're romanticizing him now that he's moved out? Do you really want to risk coming home to another disaster? Is it worth it to try to work things out with someone who openly refuses to make an equal effort?

Being twice divorced doesn't make you a pariah. What it does make you is someone who will know in the future, after all of this is long past, to proceed with caution. And that's not a bad thing.

Revel in your time off, try to eat (in small doses, if that makes it easier), love your dog, and watch a lot of movies. Cry whenever you want to. Read a dumb book. Someday not too far from now you will be fine. What seems impossible to achieve emotionally at the moment will come to pass. Break down your days into small increments, as in, "What do I need to do to get through the next 15 minutes?" If the answer is "sleep," that's okay.

Oh, and go to a spa. Get your head rubbed, and all your nails painted. Then take your nice dog to a great park and eat a pizza with her/him in the car.

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dearest TC...

you are NOT a loser!

i think it takes incredible strength of character to do what you did.

listen to Miss P and ninja, take care of yourself.

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((HUGS))
PerriP likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

I only have a few words for you, and please listen (or read) closely.

You got yourself out of situations that you didn't want to be in. That doesn't make you a loser, that makes you a strong woman who knows what she wants and doesn't want. I actually admire you for this, because a lot of women would just put up with it.

You are awesome.

Hugs.
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Agreed. Most people would not have the courage to take a stand the way that you did. That takes a lot, and it's something a loser couldn't do.

Take care of yourself. Check out a book called the 30 day break up cure. It was recommended to me by a friend who was broken up with 30 days before her wedding
{{{HUGS}}}
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You definitely are not a loser.
The only loser in this picture would be your soon-to-be-ex, if he even can't admit that he has a drinking problem.

Like Sixelamy said, you just are a strong woman who knows what she wants and doesn't want.
Most women in a similar situation try to put up with their husbands, and end up to be feeling miserable for the rest of their lives. You still have a chance to find happiness, and even if it isn't with "the one", you at least have your dog and without a man you can give your dog as much attention as you want.

First enjoy your freedom, and who knows what will happen next?
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You can threaten divorce or even cheating all day long but when you put them out in the street, the gloves really come off. And when they get served w/ those papers? It's a wrap. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

If you wanted to work it out, that's where you went wrong. Not saying you are wrong. But just if you wanted to save the marriage (which may not have been possible anyway, if he wasn't willing to get help for his alcoholism).

If you want children, don't give up on that dream. It could still happen. (I have gf's who had theirs at 40 and 41.5.)

Who knows...he might surprise you and agree to treatment. You just never know. Stay positive and hopeful. Not just about him but about your life.
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Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 10-08-2013 at 03:39 PM.
You made a tough choice that most people wouldn't make because they would worry too much about what others would think of them. If you put yourself out there again, you will most likely find love again. And as Spiderlashes mentioned, you could still possibly have biological children. You can't have a one-sided relationship and be emotionally healthy. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest.

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I don't think being divorced twice makes you a loser at all. It's no different than any other long term relationship. I felt like loser after my last breakup a few years ago thinking I just can't do the relationship thing. Then a year later I felt totally different when I met my bf/recent ex.

I can relate to how you're feeling. I broke up a month ago and went on a trip with my friend. I thought about him the whole time and didn't have a good time and I hate that. It's been 4 weekends, I've tried to keep busy but it didn't work. I did things I like to do, I hung out with coworkers, friends, etc. Last weekend and the weekend before my trip I just slept or was on my couch. I felt pathetic. I lost my appetite too and didn't clean at all. I finally had to clean since my friend was coming over for our trip.

The thing is, if you know you he's wrong for you and it would never work, it will get better. If you think you can make things work, then I don't have any advice. I'm going through that myself but I'm being careful. I'm breaking all my rules but I'm risking it for now.
Crap happens, but that doesn't make you a loser. I was listening to a cd recently and one thing that stood out to me was "Don't Take Things Personally." No matter how much someone hurts you, it's really about them not you. A lot of 1st marriages don't work out. I was like you....I knew on my wedding day I was making a mistake and I didn't know how to get out of it. I certainly have learned today. I came close to a 2nd marriage shortly after my 1st one and I know now it would have been a big mistake.

You've done nothing wrong and you shouldn't have to live with someone with an alcohol problem who isn't willing to get help. It's his problem, not yours. I'm going thru a lot right now myself, so if you want we can hang out on my couch or yours. I'm enjoying endulging in all the Real Housewives episodes. My guilty pleasure.
From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
I don't think being divorced twice makes you a loser at all. It's no different than any other long term relationship. I felt like loser after my last breakup a few years ago thinking I just can't do the relationship thing. Then a year later I felt totally different when I met my bf/recent ex.

I can relate to how you're feeling. I broke up a month ago and went on a trip with my friend. I thought about him the whole time and didn't have a good time and I hate that. It's been 4 weekends, I've tried to keep busy but it didn't work. I did things I like to do, I hung out with coworkers, friends, etc. Last weekend and the weekend before my trip I just slept or was on my couch. I felt pathetic. I lost my appetite too and didn't clean at all. I finally had to clean since my friend was coming over for our trip.

The thing is, if you know you he's wrong for you and it would never work, it will get better. If you think you can make things work, then I don't have any advice. I'm going through that myself but I'm being careful. I'm breaking all my rules but I'm risking it for now.
Originally Posted by Josephine

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, Josephine. Hugs to you, too.

(We need a good hug emoticon!)

I'm going thru this on a much smaller scale than both of you but on both fronts -- divorce and break up. I tend to do my suffering and grieving during the relationship tho, so the break ups are easier.
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Group hug everyone..... Too bad we don't all live closer and could have a slumber party. We are all awesome!!!
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From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
Heh thanks everyone. I'm kind of embarassed to admit it, even here. I know the only solution is time really.

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