Okay, last half of the last episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
, I'm ready for you: do your worst. That shiny pendant of power had better not kill Spike, though. No retroactively ruining the cute like that.
Xander, using Blondie as a human shield is a brilliant idea. Anya, please do test it out! Hee, good shutdown of the speech Blondie was ramping up to make: "Nobody cares, you little monkey." I feel like I would have derived more pleasure from the epic camera spin while the Scoobies discussed going shopping after vanquishing the First if I hadn't taken a big long intermission. Whoops. Um, not to be a downer, but I really hope none of y'all were HIV positive or anything, Slayers and potentials. The hand cutting's cool and all, but that's just what pops into my head seeing you all share that knife. [ETA: I also have realized that only one of you needed to cut her hand to open that seal.] Oh Spike, it would take a lot more than a single necklace for you to look like Elizabeth Taylor. Why am I not feeling any epicness from Willow's "Oh. My. Goddess"? Is none of this going to affect me the way it was meant to tonight?
ROFL SUPER STRONG GIRL CHILDREN EVERYWHERE. This should be empowering to watch, especially since one was being abused when she got the power, but the fact that this is still only a power given to certain pre-ordained special girls means that so many other abuse victims are still unable to defend themselves, so y'know what? I'm not being rude. I'm just amused by the concept of a bunch of super strong little kids running around wreaking havoc. One of them is like ten, so are there parents having to deal with having a baby who can snap them in half right now? There will be in the future, since this effect will last, right? Run away, it's Baby Breaks-a-lot!
Aren't these the same kind of super vampire that Buffy had such a terrible time trying to defeat before? One
of these things nearly killed her multiple times before she achieved a hard won victory, and now they're all just powering through them like they're ordinary vampires. Continuity, guys. Huh, so this is the White Willow I saw mention of on the spoilery interwebs. She sort of looks insta-aged. Squee, Anya, I am so proud of you! Blondie tries to tell her to picture happy things to not be so scared, and he adds bunnies to the list, and Anya just gets this look on her face like "oh hell no, not today" and she utterly dominates
her fears with the words, "Fluffy. Hoppy. Bunnies
." It occurs to me that we never got to see why she went from raising them to being scared of them. What the hell, Joss. Oh no! What's happening to Spike? It looks painful! And Buffy just got stabbed! And then she fell! Get up, Buffy, you can only have so many deaths, okay??
ANYA GOT SLASHED SO DEEP THAT'S NOT A CUT YOU SURVIVE
NOT ANYA DON'T TAKE MY ANYA AWAY
AND YOU JUST CUT AWAY FROM IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT
I HATE YOU JOSS
I made such a high-pitched gasp just now and I can't even think about what I just saw because Anyaaaaa you're the bestest and I wanted you to liiiiiiiiive.
And seriously, Anya deserves more than a quick-cut death, you asshats.
Robin Wood, you stop falling into Giles's arms this instant [is the opposite of what slashfic writers say]. You are not to die of that slash to the gut, you hear me? You are not allowed. Oh look, it's the Taunter. This is clearly supposed to be an epic moment with Buffy getting back up and all, but come on, you guys. The First. Is not. Threatening. Majorly epic music, though! OMG, necklace, stop hurting Spike. Just take it off, man, I don't like this! OH GOD HE'S 'SPLODEY DON'T MAKE HIS LAST WORDS "OH BOLLOCKS." Oh no oh god oh help I am so worried right now I hate you Joss Whedon why am I so ATTACHED what's gonna happen to him when he's done doing the glowy light thing he says he can feel his soul that can't be good BLONDIE GETS TO LIVE AND XANDER DOESN'T EVEN SEE ANYA'S BODY WTF. Robin's alive, but still WTF. Okay, back to Spike, what is with the fire when Buffy takes his hand? Neither of them seems to be burnt, so...? Flames of passion? Seriously, I don't get what you were going for here, show.
No, Spike, no! Buffy: "I love you." Spike: "No, you don't. But thanks for saying it." WHY COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE LET HER BE GENUINE AND HIM BELIEVE IT. I HATE YOU SO FREAKING MUCH RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE GOING TO LET HIM DIE ON THE MOST PAINFUL OF POSSIBLE NOTES, AREN'T YOU. I do like that he gets to have his little badass statement of "I want to see how it ends," and he so would go out laughing, but - but no! Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!!! God DAMN it Whedon, why did you have to put a death necklace in Buffy's hands when it was time for a cute little gesture? You SUCK. And look, even Blondie is asking why he didn't die. Even he knows this bites the big one. You killed Spike AND Anya and you let Blondie live. I can't even look at you right now.
Huh, good thing everyone got the hell out of dodge, because Sunnydale is caving in. And, um, Buffy, y'know how you were languishing on the ground because of that gut wound? Is that just okay now? You don't even seem to be in pain from it anymore. Oh Xander, I can't even comment on your reaction to losing Anya because you shouldn't have to have it. Also, did she really die saving Blondie's life? I just saw the slash and was full of screams. Maybe it was a general "I cowered, she fought" thing? I am NOT rewatching that to find out. Robin? ROBIN NO oh thank goodness he's fine. Not cool doing that to me right after killing two of the best characters in your show for real. If I weren't still reeling from that loss, I would probably be highly amused by Dawn's declaration of "I fought for the wrong side" when they realize the mall's been destroyed in that big ol' crater. And feel fully touched by Buffy's smile at the end when Dawn asks what they're gonna do now. But Anya. And Spike. AND YET BLONDIE LIVES. FLAMES. FLAMES UP THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
Someone got credited as "Japanese Girl" right under "Injured Girl" in the credits. I see no race indicated for "Injured Girl." Side eye. How did you choose who got to be "Injured Girl," anyway? Everyone was injured in that fight and not everyone had names.
Blondie lived and Anya died. Wasn't that another terrible thing I specifically said not to do? Burn in all the fires, Joss Whedon, for this deliberate assault on my heart. And brain.
Friggin' Blondie, man.
And on that note, no more Buffy