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Old 01-19-2013, 04:27 PM   #64781
 
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Thank you so much for the hugs and condolences, everyone. They really do help.

The posts that complimented how my post was written made me think about the fact that after his body was gone, my immediate response was to go and write. My grandma even commented on my "fingers flying over the keys." Identifying writing as a coping mechanism for me is oddly comforting - it's pretty much exactly what you'd expect me to do if you'd read an outline of my life story or something. I guess it's comforting because it's something that makes sense, because even though I know all about the stages of grief and how they cycle around and around, nothing strikes me as sensible about any of that.

Yesterday was pretty rough - I'm sure the fact that I'd slept four hours total since coming over on...Wednesday? contributed to it. (I got close to a full night's sleep last night, just BTW.) The cruel part of my brain that seems to hate my guts kept trying to convince me that he may not have known it was me after all, and bringing back how my hair in his face had bothered him when I'd hugged him when he wasn't lucid, and how my grandma had said to be careful when I hugged him when he was because his chest is tender and how maybe she was just saying it or maybe I was hurting him with my hug. I had to actually sit and whisper to myself that I know he knew who I was because of the look on his face, plus otherwise he wouldn't have responded the same way to multiple "What did you say, Grandpa?"s, everything was hurting him and I don't know that I hurt him with my hug, that even if that were the case, I'm pretty sure he would still rather have had the hug, and that the last thing I did in that conversation was to stroke his head, which I know he liked. Evil brain then tried to be all, "He was making sounds. Maybe he wanted to tell you something and you shut him down by relaxing him with that head stroking," and good brain was just like, "You know damn well how garbled those sounds were. As if they were going to string themselves together into anything coherent. And stroking his head was absolutely the best thing I could've done. It means the last time we interacted while he was alive, the last thing I did was make him feel good."

When evil brain tells me I didn't hug him enough, though, even knowing that I always said hello and goodbye with a hug, I can't do anything but cry because right now every moment I didn't spend physically touching him seems a terrible waste now that I can never hug him or kiss him or touch his arm or anything ever again. Every time that I ended a hug or interaction pains me because they were so terribly brief. Was he wishing I would stay with him longer? Why couldn't I have just prolonged those hugs for a few moments? I think of when I was sitting by him on his bed with my arms folded over my stomach and how if we were just going to sit there silently, the least I could've done is sit shoulder to shoulder with him or something, so we were connected instead of just existing in the same place at the same time.

I'm still at my grandma's house and will be for at least the weekend since she's never been without him in nearly 59 years and this has of course been very hard on her. Heck, even before they were married, she never had her own room because she was sharing with her sister and brothers. She's never lived alone before. She has said she's looking forward to it ultimately, but right now she needs someone with her.

When I went to sleep on my air mattress over here, I saw this picture of my grandpa on the wall, and I told the picture that I loved him and I even told it goodnight. Now I get why characters on TV and in movies are always talking to pictures of people they've lost. I mean, sure, mostly that's for exposition purposes or so another character can listen in, but it also actually helps.

I got a text from a friend last night about chatting and watching something soon and I just responded to it by telling her what happened. My mom and grandma say I need to tell all my friends - close ones, anyway. I can't handle talking to them so I'm going to do it by text. IDC if it's proper. I'm going to go eat something first, though. I've neglected to feed myself today.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:55 PM   #64782
 
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I think I actually hate Taylor Swift.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:36 PM   #64783
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruralcurls View Post
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Originally Posted by spring1onu View Post
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Hoo, boy.

I was not expecting the wife of the subject of my most recent blog post to comment.

It could have gone a lot worse.
Had to go see what this was about, very cool!
I looked, too. It is very cool, Claudine!
Me too! Very cool.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:40 PM   #64784
 
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Is it true they are going to remake The Sound of Music? Really? Nooo. That can't be. Why are they always remaking things that were pretty much perfection the first time around? Psycho, Carrie, Footloose, La Femme Nikita, on and on. I would curse about it but I don't think Julie Andrews would like it. : )
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Suave & VO5 cond, LA Looks Sport Gel, Ojon Restorative Treatment, oils, honey, vinegar.
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Old 01-19-2013, 06:48 PM   #64785
 
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Why are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone being trotted out again as action heroes? Didn't we do this already? Stop with the retreads!!!!!
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:35 PM   #64786
 
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Why are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone being trotted out again as action heroes? Didn't we do this already? Stop with the retreads!!!!!
I see the ads for the new Schwarzenegger movie, and keep waiting for old Arnie to drop of a heart attack.
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:58 PM   #64787
 
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Originally Posted by jeepcurlygurl View Post
Is it true they are going to remake The Sound of Music? Really? Nooo. That can't be. Why are they always remaking things that were pretty much perfection the first time around? Psycho, Carrie, Footloose, La Femme Nikita, on and on. I would curse about it but I don't think Julie Andrews would like it. : )
I SO wish Julie Andrews would comment on this!
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:10 PM   #64788
 
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I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take this anymore!!
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:16 PM   #64789
 
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Still hate the flu, still hate the flu...
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:18 PM   #64790
 
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Signs that you are ancient:

When you are excited to find out that a little known funk band from the 70's will be performing for free next weekend.


Lady V, I am older than you. My interest is piqued, who is it?
It's the Crown Heights Affair. Now the issue is seeing if I can get anyone to go with me, heh.
I have heard of them, I had very brief exposure to their music.
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:19 PM   #64791
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MojoDojo View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by juanab View Post
Why are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone being trotted out again as action heroes? Didn't we do this already? Stop with the retreads!!!!!
I see the ads for the new Schwarzenegger movie, and keep waiting for old Arnie to drop of a heart attack.
I know, he looks as if he is going to!
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DC - NG Mango & Coconut H2O or Chamomile/Brdck Root
Gel - SM souffle (winter), KCCC (summer) or CR Naturals Aloe Whipped Butter Gel (year round)
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:38 PM   #64792
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A female customer earlier today insinuated that I had a lovely face. As in, she said "You are just lovely..." and gestured to her own face. So, that was weird... I didn't really know how to say thanks. Like "oh thanks, I grew this face myself!" But whatever, a compliment is a compliment! Soo...


Also, according to my boss, a customer told her that I make the best caramel macchiatos around.

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Old 01-19-2013, 08:54 PM   #64793
 
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Someone really just said that slavery should have been left to the states. I actually used to respect him.
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:59 PM   #64794
 
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Quote:
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Still hate the flu, still hate the flu...
I hope you start to feel better soon.
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:02 PM   #64795
 
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Let's keep being stupid: I'm just getting more awesome.

After my little jealous rant last week I need to remember this.

Yup, someone just posted a pic on my FB feed of their new baby.


Must.stay.positive!
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:06 PM   #64796
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wild_sasparilla View Post
Thank you so much for the hugs and condolences, everyone. They really do help.

The posts that complimented how my post was written made me think about the fact that after his body was gone, my immediate response was to go and write. My grandma even commented on my "fingers flying over the keys." Identifying writing as a coping mechanism for me is oddly comforting - it's pretty much exactly what you'd expect me to do if you'd read an outline of my life story or something. I guess it's comforting because it's something that makes sense, because even though I know all about the stages of grief and how they cycle around and around, nothing strikes me as sensible about any of that.

Yesterday was pretty rough - I'm sure the fact that I'd slept four hours total since coming over on...Wednesday? contributed to it. (I got close to a full night's sleep last night, just BTW.) The cruel part of my brain that seems to hate my guts kept trying to convince me that he may not have known it was me after all, and bringing back how my hair in his face had bothered him when I'd hugged him when he wasn't lucid, and how my grandma had said to be careful when I hugged him when he was because his chest is tender and how maybe she was just saying it or maybe I was hurting him with my hug. I had to actually sit and whisper to myself that I know he knew who I was because of the look on his face, plus otherwise he wouldn't have responded the same way to multiple "What did you say, Grandpa?"s, everything was hurting him and I don't know that I hurt him with my hug, that even if that were the case, I'm pretty sure he would still rather have had the hug, and that the last thing I did in that conversation was to stroke his head, which I know he liked. Evil brain then tried to be all, "He was making sounds. Maybe he wanted to tell you something and you shut him down by relaxing him with that head stroking," and good brain was just like, "You know damn well how garbled those sounds were. As if they were going to string themselves together into anything coherent. And stroking his head was absolutely the best thing I could've done. It means the last time we interacted while he was alive, the last thing I did was make him feel good."

When evil brain tells me I didn't hug him enough, though, even knowing that I always said hello and goodbye with a hug, I can't do anything but cry because right now every moment I didn't spend physically touching him seems a terrible waste now that I can never hug him or kiss him or touch his arm or anything ever again. Every time that I ended a hug or interaction pains me because they were so terribly brief. Was he wishing I would stay with him longer? Why couldn't I have just prolonged those hugs for a few moments? I think of when I was sitting by him on his bed with my arms folded over my stomach and how if we were just going to sit there silently, the least I could've done is sit shoulder to shoulder with him or something, so we were connected instead of just existing in the same place at the same time.

I'm still at my grandma's house and will be for at least the weekend since she's never been without him in nearly 59 years and this has of course been very hard on her. Heck, even before they were married, she never had her own room because she was sharing with her sister and brothers. She's never lived alone before. She has said she's looking forward to it ultimately, but right now she needs someone with her.

When I went to sleep on my air mattress over here, I saw this picture of my grandpa on the wall, and I told the picture that I loved him and I even told it goodnight. Now I get why characters on TV and in movies are always talking to pictures of people they've lost. I mean, sure, mostly that's for exposition purposes or so another character can listen in, but it also actually helps.

I got a text from a friend last night about chatting and watching something soon and I just responded to it by telling her what happened. My mom and grandma say I need to tell all my friends - close ones, anyway. I can't handle talking to them so I'm going to do it by text. IDC if it's proper. I'm going to go eat something first, though. I've neglected to feed myself today.

I'm so sorry! Just catching-up now. Texting is absolutely "proper" if that's what you're comfortable with right now.

I had major issues when my uncle, who was a father to me, died four years ago...I had distanced myself while he was sick because I just couldn't handle it, but then in the couple of weeks before he died, I went to see him several times, and was with him hours before he died. I was able to forgive myself for how I distanced myself, and I know that he always knew how much I loved him and he still knows that.

Please go easier on yourself...these things are never easy.
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:21 PM   #64797
 
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I just had a very positive interaction with the Younger Man Who Looks A Lot Like Ryan Gosling.

We're working on a project together, and it will be done with this week.

I gave him a ride home because he has to rely on public transportation because he lives right out of the city and doesn't use a car, and it's a pain for him to take all these buses so I offered to drop him off.

He is SO DARN SWEET AND ADORABLE.

He told me he had no interest in doing another show until he saw my name on the email from the producers (we did a show together five years ago) and he said he'd do ANYTHING I wrote, which made me feel pretty good.

We somehow got onto the topic of his last relationship, which ended when she cheated on him, but he gave a rundown on the roundabout way he pursued her, and every fifteen seconds would say something like, "Okay, this part makes me sound SO pathetic!" and he's just so dorky and endearing I can't take it.

I was thinking, "All right, I think I would have married you after all that...but that's just me."

He's just SO sweet and cute and I can't help but smile every time he's around because he just has that kind of personality!

Do I make a move when our show ends?!
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:23 PM   #64798
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^ DUH.
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And it will steal your innocence
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But you are not alone in this"

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Old 01-19-2013, 10:45 PM   #64799
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CanItBeChristine View Post
I just had a very positive interaction with the Younger Man Who Looks A Lot Like Ryan Gosling.

We're working on a project together, and it will be done with this week.

I gave him a ride home because he has to rely on public transportation because he lives right out of the city and doesn't use a car, and it's a pain for him to take all these buses so I offered to drop him off.

He is SO DARN SWEET AND ADORABLE.

He told me he had no interest in doing another show until he saw my name on the email from the producers (we did a show together five years ago) and he said he'd do ANYTHING I wrote, which made me feel pretty good.

We somehow got onto the topic of his last relationship, which ended when she cheated on him, but he gave a rundown on the roundabout way he pursued her, and every fifteen seconds would say something like, "Okay, this part makes me sound SO pathetic!" and he's just so dorky and endearing I can't take it.

I was thinking, "All right, I think I would have married you after all that...but that's just me."

He's just SO sweet and cute and I can't help but smile every time he's around because he just has that kind of personality!

Do I make a move when our show ends?!
YEESSS!!!
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texture - medium/fine, porosity - low/normal, elasticity - normal
co-wash - NaturelleGrow Coconut Water or Marshmallow Root, Slippery Elm Bark & Blue Malva Cleansing Conditioners
LI - KCKT mixed w/ SM C & H Curl & Style Milk
DC - NG Mango & Coconut H2O or Chamomile/Brdck Root
Gel - SM souffle (winter), KCCC (summer) or CR Naturals Aloe Whipped Butter Gel (year round)
Sealers - Virgin Coconut Oil, Avocado butter, Aloe butter
Ayurvedic treatments - Jamila Henna, Sukesh, Aloe Vera Powder, Hibiscus Powder
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Old 01-19-2013, 10:55 PM   #64800
 
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I love you baby.
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