"Come Chill With Me"...?

Like Tree23Likes

I feel like my generation of young black men (late 80s-90s) are disgusting! Whenever one of them asks me out, it's always to "chill at his house." I don't hesitate to turn them down because I know that I want a real date and not some trifling excuse to get into my clothes but I am really growing tired of it. What happened to asking women out on dates? Is this only something that older gentlemen do?!? I can't speak for men of other ethnicities but it just seems that my friends who have dated young white guys actually get asked out on dates. I can definitely say that this trend of "dating" (which really is nothing more than a booty call) within my race has caused me to almost ignore black men altogether. Ladies, comment on your experiences or if you've ever been a "come over and chill with me kinda girl."
Thick mid-length 4a hair
Shampoo: Creme Of Nature Moisture & Shine Shampoo
Cowash: TRESemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner
Deep Conditioner: TRESemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner mixed w/honey & olive oil
Leave-In: TRESemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner
Sealants: olive oil & Blue Magic Conditioner Hair Dress
I don't "chill" at strange men's houses either. That's reserved for established friends. If these dudes don't bother to put in any effort, I ignore them rather quickly.

Most men I've encountered and I went on actual dates. It's all about what standard you set & how you're meeting these people. I noticed that guys I met on dating sites (when I was using them), school or work RARELY asked me to "come over and chill". They knew there was a certain expectation if they wanted to spend further time with me. The men I've met in more informal, casual environments (a store, the trolley, a club/bar) were more likely to just want a quick lay at their home - and all of those were white.
scrills, spiderlashes5000 and Rimi like this.
CG since Dec. 2013
3b/c ~ fine ~ high porosity ~ low density
No-Poo: Creme of Nature Argan Oil Moisture & Shine
RO: Suave Naturals Wild Cherry Blossom Conditioner
Styler: La Bella Extreme Sport Styling Gel

Last edited by CatitudeBoo; 03-07-2015 at 02:36 AM.
I feel like you can never be too careful. It's a shame that it is this way but it is what it is even today. I will say that your gut feeling should never be overlooked. Yes there are exceptions but it varies. They say just because you can does not mean you should. Think of it like unprotected sex or as one night stand... maybe it's just better to be safe and not risk an std/pregnancy. Just a date is almost taboo and there's this single thing going on. All I'm trying to say is that there are some creepy folks/rude folks/fill in the blank folks out there but the old school/good ones exist too. I just don't know where exactly but let ya girl know if you find out lol.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using CurlTalk App
LP: SM RSB, Dr. B's
CO: SM RSB, SM SFC, Tresemme Naturals, CJ A&O
LI: a CO, Baptism Rinse, KCKT
Sealers: SM Elixir, an oil, JC N&S
Masks: SM Masks, CJ Rehab, CJ Repair Me
Stylers: *just CO usually
SM TGM, KCCC, FSG, Aloe, Ecostyler
Co-wash: NH IH&T or Lemon-Aid
Clarify: Lemon-Aid, ACV, Amla, Shikikai, Bentonite

And lots of different oils to seal/pre-poo

BC #2: 10/2/13
2c/3a/3b w/ loose botticellis, whirls and curls,
Coarse,High Porosity;CG since 2007
I live in an area where chilling or hanging out at someones house was one of the few viable date options. It was that, circle McDonalds, hit the woods (maybe a house doesn't sound so bad) or go to a loud bar or the movies. So, nothing about this automatically says weird or creepy to me and it was a common question in my area in the 90's. There really wasn't anything to do. By the time I was asked to do this I had typically been around the guy a few times but if I was still unsure or uncomfortable, I brought a friend or suggested we hang out at one of my friends houses. I had several dates on porches.

I can't say it's a generational thing. I was taken out on dates by several nice guys but if you wanted to eat something other than fast food, you had to drive 40 minutes to an hour to do it. Again, I won't say it automatically equals creepy because one of the creepiest experiences I had was with a guy who had taken me out on 3 nice dates but decided to drive 30 miles in the opposite direction of where we were supposed to be going one night. He was taking to me his house, to be alone, and didn't care if I liked it or not. *Keep in mind that was 1993 so no cell phones. He lived in the highest mountain elevations in my county. We still don't have street lights on the roads. No pay phones when you got past a particular point. There were no red lights in that section but oddly enough it's where all the wealthy transplants moved to. So... Being in a car isn't always safe either.

ETA: I guess a lot would depend on the area, what it was like during the 80's & 90's and being a creature of habit vs a cheap a**. Really. I'd still rather hang out than go out, most of the time, and there is more to do now. If a guy never wants to go out I take that as a bad sign. I also run into the issue of every younger guy I go out on a date with being on his cell phone the whole time. Lol. Dating has it's issues, every where you look.
When I hear terms like "hipster" I think, who told cliques they could leave high school??


Last edited by Fifi.G; 03-07-2015 at 08:15 AM.
I feel like my generation of young black men (late 80s-90s) are disgusting! Whenever one of them asks me out, it's always to "chill at his house." I don't hesitate to turn them down because I know that I want a real date and not some trifling excuse to get into my clothes but I am really growing tired of it. What happened to asking women out on dates? Is this only something that older gentlemen do?!? I can't speak for men of other ethnicities but it just seems that my friends who have dated young white guys actually get asked out on dates. I can definitely say that this trend of "dating" (which really is nothing more than a booty call) within my race has caused me to almost ignore black men altogether. Ladies, comment on your experiences or if you've ever been a "come over and chill with me kinda girl."
Originally Posted by SweetRellie
If you have personal experience only w/ Black men, it's not really fair to imply it's a Black thing. I can think of several posts on here of women complaining that young White men were doing this, too FYI.

(The main difference I ~have~ noticed with some Black men, as opposed to White men, is less motivation to get married but...)

Dating is a lot different than it used to be. Sexual mores and social customs have changed, and all of the new technology has provide better and faster access. And I can see why staying home can sometimes be an appealing option instead of going out on a date (lack of money, limited entertainment options in the area, extensive entertainment options at home, a wish to avoid drama if the ppl involved have messy pasts, limited experience actually going on dates, etc.)

I agree w/ CatitudeBoo; you have set some personal standards and not compromise them. There will always be other women who are "cheap dates" and so forth, but if a man really likes you, and you tell him you want to go out to such and such place, he will likely agree to it.

I think it's fine to chill at home some times, too, tho. But not all the time and not starting from date #1.

And remember, if the men are "disgusting," then the women are, too, bc they are going along with it. It takes two to tango.

I am a lot older than you (if you are dating men born in the 90s). Some men have tried to go there w/ me but I don't entertain it.
scrills likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 03-12-2015 at 10:11 AM.
I think it's a way of both being lazy and checking your standards: if you agree to "chill" they'll know they don't have to try very hard to get your attention. Unless you're in a long term thing, or only want sex, I wouldn't even entertain the possibility. It's insulting. Either make an effort, or don't waste my time.
sew and sew likes this.

http://geaugadoggy.wordpress.com
I think the majority of women go through this, whether it's with a black or a white man. I know I did with plenty of white men. It's exhausting having it happen over and over again, but keep moving on and you'll find one that doesn't want to "chill" right away.
2c-3a - med-coarse - normal-high porosity - high density

NP/LP: CJ Daily Fix, KMF Whenever / Giovanni TTTT
RO/LI: Sevi Pumpkin Seed, CJ Argan & Olive Oil, YTBbs
DC/PROTEIN: KC Stellar Strands / CNPF
STYLER: CJ Curl Queen
COLOR: henna, amla & indigo
: glycerin in high/low dews, polyquat-10 & 11, parabens
I think the majority of women go through this, whether it's with a black or a white man. I know I did with plenty of white men. It's exhausting having it happen over and over again, but keep moving on and you'll find one that doesn't want to "chill" right away.
Originally Posted by sixelamy
True, and I've noticed younger guys are less likely to ask women out properly or call, they just want to text.
scrills, sixelamy and eveum like this.
I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.
curlypearl and sixelamy like this.
Thick mid-length 4a hair
Shampoo: Creme Of Nature Moisture & Shine Shampoo
Cowash: TRESemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner
Deep Conditioner: TRESemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner mixed w/honey & olive oil
Leave-In: TRESemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner
Sealants: olive oil & Blue Magic Conditioner Hair Dress
I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.
Originally Posted by SweetRellie
Well, there are certain people who are truly OK with NSA/FWB-type arrangements but they're in the minority among women (I think more men are OK with those 'relationships').

For the people who are actually honest with themselves and the people they choose to have those casual endeavors with, it's not "sad". It's only sad when one party desires/expects an actual romantic, monogamous relationship from sex and the other person is not willing to provide that. It's unwise to expect monogamy & commitment from someone just because you had sex with them anyway.

It's all about everyone being on the same page
scrills likes this.
CG since Dec. 2013
3b/c ~ fine ~ high porosity ~ low density
No-Poo: Creme of Nature Argan Oil Moisture & Shine
RO: Suave Naturals Wild Cherry Blossom Conditioner
Styler: La Bella Extreme Sport Styling Gel
I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.
Originally Posted by SweetRellie
I don't think it's sad at all, as long as people are being honest.

There are time in my life it's worked for me. I still want sex, but don't want to be in a relationship. I also think I date better when having regular sex. I'm not so likely to jump in bed with every other guy I go out with if I'm already doing that else where.


Now if every guy your meeting wants just a hook up, I'd hazard a guess that that's something you're putting out.

The majority of men will go after what they think they can get.
scrills, sixelamy and CatitudeBoo like this.
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn
Now if every guy your meeting wants just a hook up, I'd hazard a guess that that's something you're putting out.
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
I was going to mention this as well. Certain attitudes/energies attract certain people. And while you may not mean to put out that certain attitude/energy, it can come out anyway.

Guys are wired to want sex, that's how they are made. Granted, everybody is different. My fiancÚ tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.

Sadly, a lot of women I know have slept with men on the first date. Media and movies also promote this behavior. Of course guys are going to try, they see it happening everywhere - even if it may not be reality.
2c-3a - med-coarse - normal-high porosity - high density

NP/LP: CJ Daily Fix, KMF Whenever / Giovanni TTTT
RO/LI: Sevi Pumpkin Seed, CJ Argan & Olive Oil, YTBbs
DC/PROTEIN: KC Stellar Strands / CNPF
STYLER: CJ Curl Queen
COLOR: henna, amla & indigo
: glycerin in high/low dews, polyquat-10 & 11, parabens
Okay, whoah.

So, girls or women are "nice" (i.e., worth dating) if they refuse sex?

And, "sadly" a lot of women say "yes" on the first date?

Nothing personal, sixel, but this is some antiquated thinking, in my opinion.
Josephine and eveum like this.

http://geaugadoggy.wordpress.com
agreed.

just because a person refuses sex early does not mean they are a "nice" girl. too often, women's worth is intertwined with how soon they put out or don't put out. It's ridiculous and a person's sexual track record does not dictate the quality of their character or heart. if a man chose to judge me harshly for something he did too (i.e. having sex 'too early'), then that's an *******.

some women want sex just as much as men. as long as it was consensual, safe and fun without any hurt feelings, unwanted pregnancy or STIs, how is that "sad"?
Josephine and claudine191 like this.
CG since Dec. 2013
3b/c ~ fine ~ high porosity ~ low density
No-Poo: Creme of Nature Argan Oil Moisture & Shine
RO: Suave Naturals Wild Cherry Blossom Conditioner
Styler: La Bella Extreme Sport Styling Gel

Last edited by CatitudeBoo; 03-11-2015 at 07:58 PM.
I'm really glad that you all are chiming in. It's really sad that times have changed where people think it's ok to be "friends with benefits" or have a no strings attached/no title kind of arrangement. Monogamy is almost nonexistent.
Originally Posted by SweetRellie
I don't think it's sad at all, as long as people are being honest.

There are time in my life it's worked for me. I still want sex, but don't want to be in a relationship. I also think I date better when having regular sex. I'm not so likely to jump in bed with every other guy I go out with if I'm already doing that else where.
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
Very good point, I think I ruined potential with one guy because I was so h0rny lol. We're still friends though.

On that note, I asked a guy to chill me yesterday and it wa good...yes!!! (it has been a while since I've had some good ...)

Last edited by Josephine; 03-12-2015 at 03:22 PM.
Now if every guy your meeting wants just a hook up, I'd hazard a guess that that's something you're putting out.
Originally Posted by CurlyCanadian
I was going to mention this as well. Certain attitudes/energies attract certain people. And while you may not mean to put out that certain attitude/energy, it can come out anyway.

Guys are wired to want sex, that's how they are made. Granted, everybody is different. My fiancÚ tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.

Sadly, a lot of women I know have slept with men on the first date. Media and movies also promote this behavior. Of course guys are going to try, they see it happening everywhere - even if it may not be reality.
Originally Posted by sixelamy

I've heard guys say this and it doesn't really work for me. So what if you do have sex on the first date and everything else clicks? A guy who's going to throw it away because you both had sex is not worth it(so I'm not really so sad over my potential I mentioned above).
CatitudeBoo likes this.
My fiancÚ tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.
Originally Posted by sixelamy
But yet, he was willing to do it. So, in theory, he wasn't a good guy, and you would have been justified to end it?

What do you mean "one of the ~only~ reasons?" I'm sure there's more he liked about you than that.

***

My objection with the "come over and chill" has less to do with sex (bc you can sex after a date or not sex while chilling at home). To me, it has to do with the guy going out of his way to do something nice. If a guy likes me, he needs to set himself apart from the rest, and show me he is the type to go the extra mile to please me and be selfless when needed. Those are traits women need to look for in a husband. Not just be ready roll w/ the first lazy, selfish bum they meet. If he can't bring his game up for even the first few dates, then the future isn't looking good.

(Not saying marriage should always be the goal...but think twice before you get deeply attached to someone who is clearly not marriage material bc you never know when your goals might change.)
Munchy and CatitudeBoo like this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 03-12-2015 at 04:37 PM.
My objection with the "come over and chill" has less to do with sex (bc you can sex after a date or not sex while chilling at home). To me, it has to do with the guy going out of his way to do something nice. If a guy likes me, he needs to set himself apart from the rest, and show me he is the type to go the extra mile to please me and be selfless when needed. Those are traits women need to look for in a husband. Not just be ready roll w/ the first lazy, selfish bum they meet. If he can't bring his game up for even the first few dates, then the future isn't looking good.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yep!

My fiancÚ tells me one of the only reasons he stuck with me is because I denied him sex on our 2nd or 3rd date and he realized I was a nice girl and that was what he was looking for.
Originally Posted by sixelamy
But yet, he was willing to do it. So, in theory, he wasn't a good guy, and you would have been justified to end it?

What do you mean "one of the ~only~ reasons?" I'm sure there's more he liked about you than that.

***

My objection with the "come over and chill" has less to do with sex (bc you can sex after a date or not sex while chilling at home). To me, it has to do with the guy going out of his way to do something nice. If a guy likes me, he needs to set himself apart from the rest, and show me he is the type to go the extra mile to please me and be selfless when needed. Those are traits women need to look for in a husband. Not just be ready roll w/ the first lazy, selfish bum they meet. If he can't bring his game up for even the first few dates, then the future isn't looking good.

(Not saying marriage should always be the goal...but think twice before you get deeply attached to someone who is clearly not marriage material bc you never know when your goals might change.)
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
Yes, this is it, put some effort into it. Guys are so freakin lazy these days or you are not their first option and are just backup.
I have a boyfriend but I met him on the internet through gaming and we were talking for a year before we met up. So I've never been on a date, or been asked to go out on a date, by anyone lol.

I don't judge women or men who have sex on a first date at all, nor do I think there's anything 'sad' about it. It's not a trend by the way. The media doesn't need to promote this behaviour because it happens anyway and it always has and always will! Men and women are sexually attracted to each other, sorry. But personally I just cannot imagine going to a strangers home for any reason, I would feel very unsafe and to me it's an odd situation. I feel like you can never be too careful. I don't know how people do it.
curlypearl likes this.

Low Shampoo: Aveda Be Curly Shampoo
Conditioner: Tresemme Naturals Nourishing Moisture/ Perfectly Undone
Treatments: SM Black Castor Oil Masque/ Packet Gelatine
Leave in: Redken Diamond Oil Conditioner
Styling: AG Recoil Curl Activator/V05 Mega Hold/Cornstarch
Refresh: Redken Fresh Curls Curl Boost


Between Waist and Hip Length (stretched), 2C with 2B roots

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:13 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com