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View Poll Results: Should I give him another chance?
Yes, it can't hurt. 5 12.82%
No way, he had 7+ years to get it right. 22 56.41%
Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but the kids are worth it. 7 17.95%
Other. (Please respond.) 5 12.82%
Voters: 39. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 04-25-2004, 11:49 PM   #21
 
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Originally Posted by lovin_my_curls
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the sex addiction thing (which I believe is very real) I see as adultery, not phsyically with porn, but it is adultery in the heart, which is just as serious.
Several years ago I had a friend who was dealing with this. Her husband simply could not make himself stop doing it. He even got a PO box with an assumed name so that he could order XXX rated videos through the mail and she wouldn't know about it. They all starred the same woman, which made her feel really inadequate. Obviously this woman is what he prefers and she didn't look anything like that.

After promising so many times that he'd stop, she finally found a book in his briefcase called "How to film porn movies at home using your friends and neighbors as the stars." She finally left him at that point.

Divorce is hell, there's no going around it. But staying together in a loveless marriage is just as awful.
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Old 04-26-2004, 07:35 AM   #22
 
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Two parents that are happy, responsible and seperated are better for the kids than two parents that stay together who are miserable, fighting and not able to spend loving, quality time with their kids. That's just my opinion...

Ask yourself if you want your children growing up thinking that women are supposed to be treated the way you are, or that your marital situation is setting a good example for your kids. Don't be afraid to be selfish in this situation, it's really a gut instinct your dealing with, not self-centered tendancies...
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Old 04-26-2004, 08:19 AM   #23
 
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I couldn't even begin to say stay or go and don't think it's my place to even give advice being the situation at hand. But I did want to say the least you could get out of his going to counseling and trying to make a change is a good divorce. No fighting no name calling no bashing to the kids about the other parent makes a world of difference in a child's life. Maybe through all this he's doing to change he'll get that picture if it doesn't work out
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Old 04-26-2004, 09:11 AM   #24
 
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I see where you've refused to go to counseling. You think you've got your crap so together that you need NO guidance to sort thru your feelings? What happens if he becomes everything that he should have been for the last 7-years?

People fall in and out of love all the time. Marriages/loves go thru ebbs and flows... rises and falls... good times and bad times.

It's easy to say "You don't love him. End of story." It's entirely another to recognize that you don't love the person he WAS (or became) and yet now he goes to counseling all on his own (very difficult for the usual egotistical male)... AND you see it's actually paying dividends!!!

How freakin' often does THAT happen!?!?! A second-chance need not take 7 more years. Maybe it's a year and things turn around splendidly!!! Maybe it's a year and he falls into bad habits.

He's making an effort. I think you have some work to do sorting out what your feelings really are... I suspect that it is not loving who he became. He is making an effort to change that and you see the positive turnaround (so far).

My recommendation is that YOU go seek some guidance. Be sure that you are not confusing not being in love with the past-him and failing to re-establish the ties that bound you to commit to each other in the first place. It takes work to get over bad history. From what you've posted above, you found someone who is DEMONSTRATING that he is prepared to rededicate himself to his marriage and family... and that the work he is putting in is paying dividends.

I don't know the whole of your history, but you've indicated that he is going thru a positive transformation that he took the initiative to undertake, even if due to facing the end of his marriage.

My vote? Given what you've typed to open the thread... I say second-chance.
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Old 04-26-2004, 10:11 AM   #25
 
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Meph - excellent response. I was thinking the exact same thing.
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Old 04-26-2004, 10:15 AM   #26
 
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It might sound ruthless but I don't think it would do the kids much good living with a man like this.

I don't see how you can love someone who's deceitful and mean. Why is it about you that you don't want to put up with it any more?

ETA: I have a bias that we make excuses for ourselves and others way too much b/c we're either lazy or dishonest with ourselves. Do the hard work and feel good about life.
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Old 04-26-2004, 11:24 AM   #27
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StephS
Meph - excellent response. I was thinking the exact same thing.
Granted... there may be more to the situation about which I am unaware... he knocked her around... something like that. Or there is something that indicates that his transformation will be short-lived.

But I gotta be honest... what I wouldn't have given (a while ago) to have my SO embark on such an initiative. For me and my children... having loving parents who remain married is too late. For wonderwoman... unless I've missed something... there clearly is a shot.

I think that many of the respondants are focusing too much on the history, and not enough on the effort WHICH has yielded (apparently) positive, desirous results (though it's early yet).

Code:
FYI... the "gun-waving" thing, if I remember correctly, was wavylexi's SO... not this dude...
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Old 04-26-2004, 11:42 AM   #28
 
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Can't believe I'm typing this, but... I agree with Mephisto.

Maybe try a legal separation, live apart, and go to counseling on your own to see how you feel about it. This would help give you some time to figure out whether he's for real and what you want. Divorce and being a single parent is hard (and so is being married). If after doing the counseling thing on your own, you decide you might want to give it a second chance, try going to counseling together before bringing him back in the house. Good luck!
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Old 04-26-2004, 12:40 PM   #29
 
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If you decide you want to start back over, I would start from the very beginning: regularly scheduled dates, clear sexual boundaries until you feel ready, etc. I'd also expect him to publicly reaffirm his vows. These conditions may seem harsh, but will help each of you see this as a new phase in your marriage and not just "one more chance".

I'd also pay attention to how much effort he puts into maintaining a quality relationship with your children. If his "new leaf" is not sincere, it might be much harder for him to fake a real relationship with your kids than it will for him to fake a real relationship with you, because he already knows what buttons to push with you to get his way.

Also, if you decide to give him another chance, pray that God will help you love your husband again. God is love, and I have no doubt He would be glad do that for you.
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Old 04-26-2004, 01:06 PM   #30
 
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I agree 100% with Meph on both his posts.

If he wasn't showing change then I'd say walk but he's making the effort and it could be very worthwhile now to also take that step and join him in counselling.

You state you don't want to divorce for religious reasons, keep praying into the change that has started and expect great results. Look for the good and encourage the good as you see it occuring and don't keep beating him up for the bad.

It won't be easy but I don't see this marriage as a total loss either. Also, your kids will see your working it out and they will remember that even though things are tough right now.
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Old 04-26-2004, 04:57 PM   #31
 
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Lovin_my_curls, can I just say YUCK!!! Your poor friend. Is she doing okay now? Did they have children? As someone who experienced just a fraction of what she went through, I truly hope she has found confidence and happiness.
Yes, they had a baby boy who was less than a year old when this started. She knew he liked porn when they met and was ok with that, as long as they could watch movies together. She didn't know he had the PO box until she rearranged the furniture and found 75 videos crammed behind his desk. He kept saying he'd stop, and then she'd find more crap. They had nonstop drama for three years before they finally got divorced.
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