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View Poll Results: Should I give him another chance?
Yes, it can't hurt. 5 12.82%
No way, he had 7+ years to get it right. 22 56.41%
Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but the kids are worth it. 7 17.95%
Other. (Please respond.) 5 12.82%
Voters: 39. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 04-23-2004, 07:51 PM   #1
 
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Default Should I give him another chance? Long.

Here is the condensed version:

Me 27, him 31.

Married in 1996, three children.

Him: Irresponsible, disrespectful, moody, sexually demanding, disregrads my feelings and opinions, impatient with the children, has spent countless hours playing Playstation 2 and computer games, addicted to porn, tells lots of lies secondary to porn addiction. Obviously, there are a lot more details that go into all of the above, but this IS the condensed version.

Me: Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, really tried to be patient, put needs of family first, and love unconditionally. I don't believe that I had any unreasonable expections.

My confusion: We are in the process of a divorce which I asked for about 5 months ago after lots of tears and prayers. But now I am confused. He has begged for a 2nd chance. I said no way. He has gone to counseling ALL BY HIMSELF because I refused to go with him. He is being counseled for his sexual addictions as well. I have truly seen his efforts to be more reliable and a better father. He really seems to enjoy the children now as opposed being annoyed by them, etc.

I don't love him. I can see the possiblity of it working, but it would be a long process of counseling and easing back into our intimate relationship when I feel ready to trust again.

Am I being selfish? Is it unfair of me to throw my children into an uncertian future just because I don't love him?

I know nobody can make this decision for me, but I would appreciate some objective advice. Thanks! :headscratch:headscratch.gif
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:01 PM   #2
 
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Thanks to those of you that read my mini-life-saga and voted. I am bumping this for more opinions.
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:10 PM   #3
 
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Whew. Tough one. I'm all for saving the marriage for the sake of the kids 9 times out of 10. Yours may be that one in 10... I admire your keeping whats best for the kids number one in your mind.

But, I gotta say, I don't buy the "Sexual Addiction' at all. I think it's carp. I think therapists who believe in that give the clients an "excuse" for irresponsibility and selfishness. With that said, I'm not sure he'll change and it sounds like you''ve given him plenty of chances.

I think you may be right to go with your instict of "enough". However, If you aren't sure, why not kick him out and separate for awhile?
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:31 PM   #4
 
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Default Re: Should I give him another chance? Long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderwoman
Here is the condensed version:


I don't love him. I can see the possiblity of it working, but it would be a long process of counseling and easing back into our intimate relationship when I feel ready to trust again.
You don't love, trust, communicate with him.

Why would you want to stay married?

I am occassionally for staying together for the kids, but if you are miserable, your children WILL pick up on this. They are very receptive little things, and even though YOU may not think you are showing signs of being unhappy, they will pick up on it.

You've given it a chance, and undfortunatley, it sounds like his effort came a little bit too late. I have heard about sexual addictions, and I am not sure if they are crap or not. I remember hearing that it is more about the "conquest" of getting someone in bed, someone who is/was unattainable and all of that...I don't know. Have you guys recieved counseling together? I know you mention that he's gone on his own, which is great, but perhaps you need to go together and you can make a better deciscion then.

Just my opinion.
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:33 PM   #5
 
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Is this the same man who raised a hand to you and who you were afraid would pull a gun on you? The best thing you could do for your children is stay away from there. Ask yourself if you want a son to grow up to be like this man or a daughter to think she doesn't matter and men can treat her however they want. Of course, the answer is no. Stick around and they will think everything that does and has happened between you and your husband is how things are supposed to be between men and women.
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Old 04-23-2004, 10:16 PM   #6
 
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No way, no how. While I think it's great that you're keeping your kids #1 in this, I also totally agree with the above comments - your kids will know how much unhappiness and tension they're surrounded by if you're together. Yes, it's great if kids can have both parents in one house, but it's even greater if they have a happy, safe, secure, comfortable environment to grow up in, whether it's with one parent or both. It's far more important that those needs be met than having 2 adults in the house.

Also, you know you don't love or trust him, so why in the world would you want to put yourself in that situation for an unlimited amount of time? While thinking about what's best for your kids, don't forget to think about what's best for YOU. Your needs have to be met as well. You don't want to spend your life in a loveless marriage with an untrustworthy and disrespectful man. You deserve better, and so do your children.
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Old 04-23-2004, 10:40 PM   #7
 
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My parents started their whole run around with divorce when I was in 6th grade, they finally divorced when I was in 12th grade. The reason they stayed together was "for us kids". In hindsight my Mother realzies that it was NOT a wise decision to stay together for us kids, because really, them together=hell. Seriously. It was not good. They didn't beat each other or anything, but even being at the house was horrid when they were both home.

With that said, I am NOT saying to leave him. If you do give him another chance, it will hurt more than likely. Pain happens, we all go through it, but it can make us stronger. This will be very very hard for you and for him and for the kids. But, if he is truly changing, then this might bring your whole family to a positive change. It will just take a while to get there. I see it as possibly the serious threat of the divorce and things actually happening made him finally get his act together, and you said you could see change.

But, be careful. My Dad, love him a whole bunch, but he would do that, be great with us for a while--then fall back into his old habits. Same with my Mom. If the changes last for a long period of time, then I would trust them more. This takes change on everyone's part, permanent change-which I don't think is impossible, but it can't be just a surface change, it has to be a heart change. And that can be very difficult to measure, but his actions should speak from his heart.

I think what you need to weigh are the positives and the negatives...if he really is having a heart change, your family may become really strong because of this trial. However, if things are just at a high point and will crash once again...it could cause more hurt. Is he worth the risk? Are you willing to put your emotions on the line once again? Your kids will be happy if you and him truly are, and that means if you are together or not. Please, do not just stay with him for the sake of the children, as somoene mentioned above, they pick up on things and know how you truly feel despite your outward apperance.

I personally do not believe in divorce for religious reasons, however, the sex addiction thing (which I believe is very real) I see as adultery, not phsyically with porn, but it is adultery in the heart, which is just as serious.

I'm praying for ya....that is a very tough situation. Keep us posted on your decision.
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Old 04-23-2004, 11:37 PM   #8
 
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i voted other; this is what i'd do if this was my dilemma: i'd go to counseling with him. then decide. if it goes well, try again. if not, forget it. get divorced and move on. my initial reaction was get the divorce, though. i hope everything goes well for you!
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Old 04-24-2004, 01:36 AM   #9
 
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Wow, everybody, thank you for your thoughts. They are really appreciated.

Discgirl: No, I am not the one in an almost violent situation. He has never been violent.

Brookly: I don't believe in divorce for religious reasons either. I believe that my family is my most important responsibility. That is why this decision was such a tough one, and why, even while in the process of it, I am questioning myself again. And I agree with you about the porn addiction. I would rather that he had cheated with an actual 3-dimensional woman (I can totally understand falling in love with another person) than to feel like my marriage is threatened by every seductive photo or movie scene or anything sensual at all (because this kind of thing is everywhere and so widely accepted).

Mom2LilRob: You are exactly right too. It was me realizng that my children needed a happy, confident mom that led me to the decision originally.

I really appreciate all of your thoughts. If I did give him a second chance, it would actually be like his 4th or 5th second chance. I am probably just not confident enough in my decision because every time I tried to talk to him about my feelings he would tell me I was wrong.

Totally unrelated, how do you quote somebody's response into that little white box like Mom2LilRob did? Thanks.
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Old 04-24-2004, 08:18 AM   #10
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Totally unrelated, how do you quote somebody's response into that little white box like Mom2LilRob did? Thanks.[/quote]

You click on the quote button in the top of the post you want to reply to and it will appear in your post.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I'm sure it is more difficult with kids involved. Just remember that YOU are responsible for your own happiness, and while your kids may love their dad, they are going to respect you and appreciate you more when they see you making positive changes and being happy again. Best of luck to you and your little ones. Keep us posted!
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Old 04-24-2004, 09:30 AM   #11
 
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You don't love him. End of story.

It isn't better for the kids to be in a loveless home, all that does it teach them that this is what a marriage is..

Better to be apart and provide a happy home then togther and living a loveless life.
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Old 04-24-2004, 12:14 PM   #12
 
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if he wants to change thats great. going to councilling and all that is wonderful for HIM. for you however, u need to realize that being a marriage where there is no trust or love is hard on the children. my parents have had a rough marriage and sometimes i wonder why they are still together. obviously there is no love, yes they care for each other, but i know that they stuck thru the marriage for my brother and me. and now i feel guilty for their 'loveless marriage'. stay with him if u believe he can change. otherwise, its time to let go. he should change for him, not for u. u never know what will happen tomorrow, so its best to take care of urself, today. if he changes and its a change that lasts...then maybe in the future, since the kids are the bond the two of u have...maybe u'll be able to get back together. i think for now...u have to take care of u and ur children first. u dont want them to grow up in the environment he has created. u dont want them to follow in his footsteps, bc really, children learn from their parents' behaviors.

i hope u find some peace in all this...as hard as it is...take care!
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Old 04-24-2004, 12:25 PM   #13
 
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agree with mostly everyone. But continue to pray about it. I'd leave, I don't like the sound of the sex addiction stuff.
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Old 04-24-2004, 12:45 PM   #14
 
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Other. If you really don't love him anymore (be honest with yourself), then it's time to move on. IF he changes in the future, then I agree w/gemidevi that you could always get back together. If not, then you've already made your break and can start getting on with your life. Do what is right for YOU. I agree that the kids are important, but you don't want them growing up in a loveless-marriage environment. Good luck.
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Old 04-24-2004, 12:57 PM   #15
 
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Quote:
But, I gotta say, I don't buy the "Sexual Addiction' at all. I think it's carp. I think therapists who believe in that give the clients an "excuse" for irresponsibility and selfishness.
I agree wholeheartedly. And I must add that if I were with a man who claimed to have a sexual addiction, I would not have unprotected sex with him, if at all. Because a lot of cheating men use their 'sexual addiction' as an excuse for their infidelity.
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Old 04-24-2004, 03:44 PM   #16
 
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Quote:
the sex addiction thing (which I believe is very real) I see as adultery, not phsyically with porn, but it is adultery in the heart, which is just as serious.
Several years ago I had a friend who was dealing with this. Her husband simply could not make himself stop doing it. He even got a PO box with an assumed name so that he could order XXX rated videos through the mail and she wouldn't know about it. They all starred the same woman, which made her feel really inadequate. Obviously this woman is what he prefers and she didn't look anything like that.

After promising so many times that he'd stop, she finally found a book in his briefcase called "How to film porn movies at home using your friends and neighbors as the stars." She finally left him at that point.

Divorce is hell, there's no going around it. But staying together in a loveless marriage is just as awful.
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Old 04-24-2004, 04:21 PM   #17
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scubagal
You don't love him. End of story.

It isn't better for the kids to be in a loveless home, all that does it teach them that this is what a marriage is..

Better to be apart and provide a happy home then togther and living a loveless life.
I agree.
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Old 04-24-2004, 06:26 PM   #18
 
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Thank you everybody for your thoughtful responses.

I think I figured out what I am going through and it is GUILT. Guilt for moving on and feeling good about it. It just doesn't come naturally to a mother and wife to put her own needs first, whatever they may be.

I am a doormat no more!
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Old 04-24-2004, 07:28 PM   #19
 
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I think I figured out what I am going through and it is GUILT. Guilt for moving on and feeling good about it. It just doesn't come naturally to a mother and wife to put her own needs first, whatever they may be.
Ay yi yi. I'm one of those who advocates mothers sacrificing for their children (within reason and reason is always a subjective measure). However, I feel your statement that it was putting the needs of the children first (to stay with him) is an inadequate miscategorization and that may be where your guilt is coming from. It's not like you are leaving your husband to be with some hot boy toy who gets you off. Yes children need a father, but not just any kind of father. From what you mentioned about thim, they could be suffering more being in his presence than being away from him.

It might have been some projection going on that your kids needed him when, in reality, it was probably you (or part of you) that needed or wanted him so you stayed for security, for familiarity, for companionship and such.

I just can't see how someone who was bothered by his own children is a positive influence. You know? I'm all for fathers being around, but that's when they are FATHERS and not dudes taking up space. You're not a father just because the biology is there.
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Old 04-25-2004, 02:54 AM   #20
 
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Thanks everybody, let me say again how appreciative I am for your responses.

Lovin_my_curls, can I just say YUCK!!! Your poor friend. Is she doing okay now? Did they have children? As someone who experienced just a fraction of what she went through, I truly hope she has found confidence and happiness.

Sigh, why do such lame things happen?
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