My Crazy Family - Part 2 (...and the drama continues)

...yes, I said it, the drama continues!

I took everyone's advice, I got that book Toxic Parents and am almost done reading the entire thing! (good read - very insightful) and I'm learning a LOT about myself, my upbringing, and how to interract with my family - generally speaking. Most importantly, I've distanced myself from them ... I haven't stopped by the house, I don't call, haven't asked for ANYTHING! So I'm feeling pretty good about myself and things are 'quiet'. Of course - until this morning....

My CRAZY sister gave me this bootleg copy of Microsoft Office to put on my computer. She never asked for it back, never said she wanted it back...and to be honest, I never downloaded it. Just forgot! Anyhow, that was over a month ago, and yesterday she emails me that she wants the cd back. Well I recall that there is a burned cd on top of my home computer and I emailed her back that I would give it to her (thinking that was the MS Offc disc). Forgot it last night, and this morning she calls and says that she is stopping by for her cd....

At 7AM she comes to my door (which is fine, I know she's on her way to work) and I can't find my keys...so I motion for her to wait 1 mins while I get a key to open the door. That chick breaks out HER keys and is fervently trying to get in!!! I motion AGAIN for her to hold on - I get a key and open the door. She comes STORMING in my place ...but I ignore her attitude and go towards the computer room. I hand her the cd I had and she proceeds to start YELLING:

"This isn't the cd I gave you...the one I gave you had a jacket. WHERE IS THE CD I GAVE YOU?"

I asked who to lower her voice because people are asleep. She then demands to know WHO is in my house (she knows I have a roommate) and I told her XXXX is sleeping....so PLEASE lower your voice. She gets louder, tells me 'NO', and again yells "where is the cd"? I stood there staring at her blankly, told her that we could go back and forth all day, but I don't know where the cd is, and I"m sorry. I thought the one I had was correct...for the 3rd time, she continues to yell, "WHERE is the cd? I can't believe you just LOST a cd?" and she looks downright CRAZED - eyes all big, mouth wide open, screaming. SO I stand there, calmly, and ask her for the final time to lower her voice....she says NO again...and I ask her to leave my home - and I point towards the door. Do you know she gets up from the room, SLAMS the door on the computer cabinet shut, and yells "Oh - you're DONE now" as she walks out. I had to GRAB the door behind her because she tried to slam that one too.

All of this.......at 7am, with my roommate alseep - over a bootleg CD!!! Now after reading that book (Toxic Parents), I calmed down and really THOUGHT about what just took place - and decided to send her a quick email - apologizing for misplacing the cd, but informing her that she is no longer WELCOME in my home if she chooses to act that way - because she would never allow anyone to step up in HER place and disrespect - so neither will I. Asked that she give my spare key back, and that was that.

I'm really trying to assert myself without being MEAN - but I also want to set boundaries with this 'family' of mine!! How DARE she?!!! Did I go TOO far with how I handled this? Sad to say, my sister is just as miserable as my parents, and SHE will need ME way before I will ever need her....being that she has a baby on her own, and is continually at odds with my parents herself.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Kurls,
I congratulate you. You handled the situation really really well, in my opinion.

My family is not like that, but my ex was. Be thankful that you can tell your sister to go home and not come back. You can't do that with your own husband because he lives there.

Seriously, you did well. You didn't get angry and kept it under perspective. Continue the good job.

Just remember, it is not within your power/responsability the way they behave. They have issues and you are an easy target because you are close to them. Hopefully they will see the light when no one talks to them. Although I have seen that not ever happen because they just keep fighting among each other, hopefully you won't be part of their little catty circle.
congratz on standing up. And no I don't think you reacted badly. My first reaction would have be to kick her butt. I think she was looking for a fight. Her first reactions were that of extreme impatience (on wanting to get in), and yelling immediately over such an minor item.

Good job.
Instead of asking for the key, you should change the locks. She could have made a copy.

Good luck.
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
I agree with bloom, change the locks, if not for you then for your roommate. Parts of my family are very toxic too. It's a process the peeling away from those patterns. Even now my one sister will try to engage me in "senseless" behavoir but I won't play. I became very direct about it with them many years ago. Once when I first moved to Oregon my sis tried to get me upset about something and I said, I've moved 3,000 miles away do you really think I want to play? But I would change the locks because I can see in her distorted view that your sister might enter your apartment "in her concern for you."
THAt is a whole other reason why I want the key back - part because I'm SICK of how she speaks to me/treats me...but the other part is because NUMEROUS times she has 'dropped in' for no reason at all. She'll just use her key, come in (no matter what I'm doing) and help herself to my food....she'll bring IN a meal with her and sit and my table and eat it...she'll bring my neice by and expect ME to keep her entertained while she gets a break....or she'll come by just to complain about the 'latest' issue she is having with my parents. THAT is what I meant by - she needs ME more then i will ever need her - because she uses me, and I'm hip to it and tired of it.

I know this sounds really cruel and mean - but I dont' WANT to be bothered with my family anymore. Doesn't mean I don't love them or care what happens to them - but I just can't tolerate such behavior anymore. I'm losing respect for myself...and that's not cool. So I have to CHANGE how I let them treat me!!
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
I don't think what you're saying sounds cruel or mean. It sounds like you're done playing games in unproductive relationships with your family. When I see my family now, after many many years of abstinence, it's in a controlled manner. Maybe lunch at a restaurant so that it's public and it's lunch so it's only going to be an hour or so at a time. And if behavoirs flair at the lunch I would not hesitate to get up and leave. I think it is truly about having respect for yourself and identifying the destructive behavoirs. Hang in there and if you don't already have a couple try to form some supportive but healthy friendships. My friends became my family for many years.
I think you handled the situation very well. Your sister was probably doing her best to get a rise out of you because people like that thrive off of conflict. They really want to get a reaction out of you and by maintaining a calm demeanor you probably pissed her off even more. There is no reason to get that upset over a bootleg cd being misplaced. And good for you, it really sounds like you are taking action to do what is best for you.

I also would have the locks changed.
Thanks for this post and for the book title. ITA with all of the above suggestions and have one more: find the CD, give it back to your sister and close out that drama. You have her CD, she has your keys. Give her back what's hers and re-establish what is yours.

I'm also from a family with a crazy past. One of the things I have to recognize is that the "drama" is key to the fabric of the relationship because it's all that we know -- and I play my own part in the drama. For me the key is establishing boundaries, and I have to admit I'm not particularly good at it. With me and my parents it's either all or nothing at all -- dysfunctional connection, or estrangement. My challenge is safe reconciliation that respects me first and foremost, and that honors my parents.
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Thanks for this post and for the book title. ITA with all of the above suggestions and have one more: find the CD, give it back to your sister and close out that drama. You have her CD, she has your keys. Give her back what's hers and re-establish what is yours.

I'm also from a family with a crazy past. One of the things I have to recognize is that the "drama" is key to the fabric of the relationship because it's all that we know -- and I play my own part in the drama. For me the key is establishing boundaries, and I have to admit I'm not particularly good at it. With me and my parents it's either all or nothing at all -- dysfunctional connection, or estrangement. My challenge is safe reconciliation that respects me first and foremost, and that honors my parents.
Originally Posted by Suburbanbushbabe
In all honesty - i wish I COULD give her the stupid cd back, but I don't know WHERE in the world it is. That was over a month ago!!! I couldn't tell you what I ate for lunch today.....

I'm working REALLY hard now not to play into the 'arguements' and the crying...the inevitable CYCLE that my family goes through all the time. The boundaries issues is something I've let slide for WAY too long - and today was my 'enough' moment! Sister or no sister - she needed to understand that I am NOT to be disrespected...not by anyone. But I agree with you on the 'parent trap' - mine are the same way - it's all or nothing with them. Either you do as they SAY, or you are cut off...ignored...treated like you are a MAJOR disappointment. And I'm learning that I still have to honor my parents, but NOT at the sake of disrespecting MYSELF. I can't honor others if I don't have love and honor for me....so my parents are 2nd now, they have to wait till I'm good and ready.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
I'm going to chime in and congratulate you. You handled a difficult scene very well. Your sister was looking for a fight. Good for you for not falling for that. I'm also going to agree with every one that you should forget about getting that spare key and head out to Home Depot for a new lock. Who knows how many copies she and your parents have at this point? Again, you have every reason to be proud of the way you handled yourself this morning!

I wanted to add that you can be proud of the way you are handling the situation with your parents too. That's even harder than sibling issues IMO. I had to cut my father out a long time ago, because it was a "do as I say or else" about my marraige, too. It's not easy to do, but sometimes it is the only way. Stay strong, you deserve a happy, healthy life, without the Toxic energy they give off. (love that term, btw. It's perfect.)
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That nutty sister of mine emailed me this back:

"Grow up. Grow the #$@* up and take responsibility for your actions and then call me on mine. Good day."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! That is how she is - when she's backed into a corner, she attempts to talk to 'me' like she's SCHOOLING me ... hahahaha. I think that reply was hilarious!! All over a stupid cd...
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Oh, your sister won't see it this way, but YOU ARE taking responsibility for your actions: your actions in response to the way your family is treating you, and the responsibility for your own emotional health. Again, good for you!
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Wow. You have my sister! She's tried to "school" me repeatedly and she's way more messed up than I will ever be. Good for you for standing up for yourself! I'm also in the process of removing myself from toxic people in my family.
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You really need to find the CD and give it back to her.
AKA lotsawaves
AKA new2curls
You really need to find the CD and give it back to her.
Originally Posted by g-stringranny
Yeah, I agree. The less reason your sister or your parents have for getting in your face or trying to pull the superiority card, the better. And getting the locks changed isn't a bad idea either, I'm sure your roomie would appreciate it!

Good job on being so calm... glad that book is helping you.
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Good for you, kurls! I would look for the CD and see if you cab possibly find it. Also, I agree with changing the locks. If you ask her for her key, you know she'll just make another one. I'm glad you're keeping a sense of humor about this. You have to laugh at situations like this, or you'll end up crying enstead.
*Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~ George Carlin

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